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I just loved the vibe of this last post. Your strength and wisdom shine through and I enjoy reading about what you are up to over there.

I felt calm reading it!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Hi Ciluzen,
I literally sat up all night reading back through your threads a few weeks ago. I was just stunned by your story, your rise and fall, and honesty. Then I got caught up in my own saga, and kind of forgot about you. (I don't visit the MLC forum much as it's all I can do to keep up on Newcomer's)- but today, out of nowhere, I just thought of you. I'm still not great at navigating my way around these forums, but best I can tell, you haven't posted in quite a while. Please update if you see this, and let us know how things are going. I draw much inspiration from your posts.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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Oh, Leahsue! That was such a nice thing to hear. I'm still lurking and periodically posting on other people's threads, but I have been moving into my new house (slowly) and trying to stay on top of my other activities at the same time.

I promise to update very soon...a lot is happening! Let's just say, this really does get easier. I've decided to just push past my fears and just go for it in many areas. Failure is no longer seen as a roadblock, but a stepping stone. Keeping up a positive attitude takes practice, so I push that, too. As the saying goes, "transcend the bullsh*t". It becomes water off a duck's back. The good things keep coming if you do the work; the bad things fall to the side as you no longer feel them as a burden, but a chance to learn.

I know this post is kind of cryptic, but I will sit down after I'm moved in this weekend and post a real update...a more typical ciluzen novel.

Thank you, Leahsue, for telling me you draw inspiration from my posts. That's nice to hear. I'll catch up on yours.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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Hi Doll, so nice to "see" you! Best wishes with the move - I thought that's what you've been doing! Looking forward to your novel xoxoxo miss you!


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Feb 2017
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So glad you checked in!! Along with butterfly, I will look forward to a ciluzen novel! (I think another thing I love so much about your posts is your amazing ability to paint word pictures. I could totally see outside your window in your last house, the mountaintops, the barn, the snow.... you truly have a gift. Maybe you should pull these old posts together into a short (or long) book.) smile


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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I'm feeling fairly content today. Not sure exactly why; I have so much unfinished, in flux, in states of disarray...I see myself standing in front of a garden gate (its time for me to get things prepared and planted) as a large cloud of butterflies, startled, flies up and surrounds me, blocking my path. Thrilling, harmless, magical, yet confusing, tickling and comforting at the same time. Also, clouding my path and causing me to close my eyes and stand still for their preservation and mine. That's me, right now. Standing in a soft bit of welcome chaos with all of the hard work and possibilities just beyond the wings.

Its Mother's Day. I've had a two and half hour talk with D26 (she's recovering from a flu) and a brief but welcome talk with D25 (just had her birthday last week), who's on her way back from an overnight. I just got off of the phone with XH...he called for really no reason other than to see how Mother's Day was going. On Friday I was sending both of our moms flowers and had asked if he wanted his name included...its becoming a tradition, lol. He had asked to be included at Christmas, so this time I thought I'd ask (He said "Yes!")

Although I was NC, I made a decision last week. A realization that a 180 should have been to let him feel more needed. Don't get me wrong...there's this funny little fine line between letting go, moving on, and pursuing. But based on his actions toward me and others (a need to offer his help), and comments toward me about being so independent and not needing anyone, I realized asking for his help makes him happy. And...NC was helping me detach, but he wasn't really moving...away or closer. He always starts out very unsure around me, like I'm a dangerous wild animal that is ready to turn and bite him at any moment. So I'm pretty consistant about being the lighthouse...but still. Its like he was waiting for something. So why not experiment a little, as MWD suggested. Besides, I realize that although I didn't always need his help, it was very nice to know it was there when I did. I also realize that I took him and his help for granted. Don't you appreciate the good things more once they're gone? Hard lessson learned.

He offered the use of his truck for my daughter's portion of the move, but knew I would be using it, too, even though I didn't ask (hindsight with new realization...I should have asked directly). I had some big guys help me move furniture. When the truck didn't start, he asked if I needed him to come out to fix it. I said yes. Then thanked him. He asked if there were plans for D25's bday, so I invited him. He called to use the truck and asked me to help dump the contents so he could use it (daughter's old couch and trash), then proceded to help me move a few items to my new house when I told him I only needed it still for those. Thanked him again. He toured the new place and seemed pleasantly surprised by the location and neighborhood. He asked me questions about school, work, activities, etc. He hasn't asked me about me in...a long, long time. The next day he came over for D25's bday. I can truthfully say we had a decent time as a family. Then he drove home. Such a strange dynamic now.

I've been slowly unpacking and either tossing, donating or finding a place for things. Funny how living without things for almost a year can make you reassess their importance to you.

I met with my mentor (a student a year ahead of me in my program) and already received my text books. I'm also thinking that I'll try to simply take a leave of absence from work or work part time as a substitute for a bit to pay for insurance, as the university no longer offers health insurance for students (bummer!): something I was counting on. Oh, well. Still just keeping my knees bent.

I've planted bright annuals in all of my pots, baskets and window boxes and received so many compliments from passers-by (I'm across from a great old park so lots of walkers, joggers and families).This is a good place for me to be at this time in my life. My veggie garden got prepped this weekend, compost heap is started, and herbs and veggies will go in from starts and seeds over the next few weeks. I'm getting bids for paint and a new roof this week. I plan on painting trim and window boxes myself, tiling the bathroom, and creating brick, paver and flagstone pathways, patios, and planters, refinishing the porch deck and front stairs myself, as well. Busy bee!

Soccer is over (everyone gave me coffee gift cards...go figure, lol!) and the days are longer, so getting stuff done keeps my mind off of things I dwelled on during winter. I also joined a figure drawing event at the same place I attended the concert...and the organizer seems interested in me (?) I enjoy this outlet, so I'm keeping things a bit at bay. I do enjoy the feedback for my artwork, though.

Things are good. I'm making plans and enjoying the moments and opportunities as they come. Some of the things in the future are a bit scary; but I'm learning that scary is just unknown, unknown is just different, different can be amazing and wonderful. I'm also learning that change (symbol:raven) can lead to rebirth (symbol:phoenix). Which leads to me telling my daughter that I might take her up on her tattoo offer. A caduceus type symbol (healing) formed of two women (really the same woman but intertwined as two aspects of her); one the personification of a phoenix burning and reaching out and up to a sun, the other a personification of a raven reaching up and out to a crescent moon. As you look down their forms become more fish-like with tail fins even more wrapped together...I'm a pisces. Art nouveau style or Mucha. Ahhhh...we'll see.

Happy Mother's Day, all. I'm sipping some Macallan and nibbling some dark cherry chocolate. I know mine's pretty good!


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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Thanks for a lovely post Cil xoxoxo always great to hear from you! I've always felt that your husband was still quite connected to you, and applaud your decision to do a different kind of 180.

The new place sounds lovely and the plans you have will make it yours. The tattoo is interesting. I'm too commitment phobic for a tat.

Re: organizer's interest, hmmm - I think you are right to keep it at bay since it's a good outlet for you.

off to work for me now, happy Monday xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Posts: 5,301
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Hi Cil, glad to hear you are all moved in and enjoying yourself in your new garden! Your new place sounds charming, and lovely to have the footfall of park visitors too...

Nice that you were able to call on your XH for help and the support was there. I agree with Bttrfly in that you and he do still seem to have a connection...

Sounds like you have some other fun activities going on too....great update and I'm pleased you are doing so well.

Enjoy your new home!! Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Great update Cil and your house sounds lovely too! Hopefully it will help to get those artistic juices flowing!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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I read all of your posts and am truly amazed at how you have conducted yourself. Your H seems to care about you very much even in his fog. I hope this continues to turn around for you!

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