The high road: rocky with a great view

[ciluzen]

Hey Gordie! ]
I am NC with XH except for important things (concerns about kids, financial stuff), because it has helped me quite a bit to move forward and work on me. Yet I still believe in standing and being "the lighthouse". My motto is "kindness, kindness, kindness". First and foremost and on my mind when I am dealing with others. It has changed my interactions with EVERYONE, not just XH. Most people behave negatively because something has affected them, so I try to be kind even if I don't understand the why.

I still love XH and know he still cares about me. I know he looks for my car at the ski area. He expressed to my girls that he wanted my 50th to be special and wanted them to make sure of it. He tries to make sure I'm ok by quizzing my girls and his staff (who are friends of mine). I hate our situation; I hate what happened; I hate the assumptions and choices he made. Yet I also understand his low self esteem, controlling nature, stressors and feelings that he is not in control (which has always caused him to lash out and be angry). His age obsessed MLC crud. I'm not in control of any of that, either. Its his battle to wage.

So what should I do-how should I treat him? I give him space to work on him, while I spend my new gift of time figuring out who I am again and what makes me happy. Funny thing is, some things I had said I didn't like...I actually do, but was protecting a fragile ego that couldn't stand to not be the best at something. I worried too much about what others thought or what I thought they would think. I realized I love skiing. I'm not good at it, but by going my own pace instead of just trying to keep up and being scared to death, I have improved greatly. It is something that has brought me genuine moments of happiness...alone. Being forced to get myself out of tricky, difficult situations and relying only on myself has done wonders for my self esteem and outlook. I guess in a wierd way, I'm thankful to XH for that. But that's who I was before I gave up on me and became just the wife and mother...putting everyone first. I was the backpacker, surfer girl, longboarding, barefoot art student with the crazy curly hair and no responsibilities. I feel like I got a do-over, but with a little wisdom and maturity this time around.

So again, do I want now to be friedly when I see him? How about this...I am KIND. I am genuinely happy with myself and kind to those I encounter; whoever they are. If they want to go beyond "hello", "please", or "thank you"...beyond "beautiful day, isn't it?"; then, if I can take the time, I will. In the case of XH, I feel he still looks at me as if he expects me to lash out or reject him at each meeting. When I don't, he shows he wants to spend time with me. I've noticed some subtle "tests" in our convos. I don't react as I would in the past. Not trying to control anything but me anymore. So, kindness, kindness, kindness. What happens, happens. That's what I want from me. I have no expectations from him.

[ciluzen]

LT and Sotto, thanks for visiting! Still trying to keep to not reading too much into things, but it is my nature to analyze the heck out of things.I love puzzles and mysteries (not really jigsaws or mystery novels, but more the kind encountered in real life).

XH has a long way to go, but I saw that he has been thinking hard about some things having to do with family, work, life. He's chewing on a few thoughts...but again, no expectations. Who knows what he will come up with.

[Gordie]

Wow, that is so inspiring!!!

[Kyh]

Hi Cil,

I just wanted to stop by and say I enjoyed your post this evening. I can see a lot of parallels in our situations/MLCers and it was nice motivation to keep being kind to W w/no expectations.

[ciluzen]

Thank you Gordie. I guess writing something that is inspiring fills my cup a bit for a while. I'm glad you found some good in it!

Kyh, I see some parallels, too. It does get better...and easier. On the surface, I have let go enough that everyone is "amazed" at how well I'm doing. Of course, they don't get to see my rough patches...I keep that to myself. They are less rough and further apart these days. I have a few people I share my inner feelings with, though. I keep it brief. Its more a report, a few questions about their take on some of my ideas or on his behavior. It has become less and less of my interactions with others and only in response to questions.

Funny, I can see and understand some of his behavior. I explained to a friend that it was like I had married Benjamin Button. He was a man amongst boys when I met and married him; in attitude and maturity, demeanor and poise. So strong and self assured. I felt safe and protected by him. I trusted his judgement and decisions. I was happy to follow him anywhere, and enjoyed that he asked me my opinions and listened to me. We were good partners. But in his 40's he became a boy. He became more and more impulsive. He second guessed himself or put off making decisions until forced to. He drank more, slept more and wanted to be the party host or life of the party. Money became more of a focus...not saving it, but making more to spend on big stuff (and "playa-playa" clothes- his words). He went from man to teenager to the scared, unsure and angry boy. I feel sorry for him right now. Who wants to be him?

Funny, today would have been our 27th anniversary. I'm ok today. Its also my dog's b-day...she's 5! I shared a picture on FB that was taken at her doggy daycare. They dressed her up with a silly green hat and green boa (they always dress up the birthday pups). She looked ridiculous, but happy. She's a chocolate lab....she's always happy. It got a lot of response from my friends.

Then I got a message from someone who just said she was thinking of me a lot today and hoped I'd had a good one. She used to work with XH and knew what today used to mean to us. It was just out of the blue; not someone I talk with much. I guess people are still amazed. I actually almost forgot about it. How very weird things have gotten.

[HaWho]

Glad to hear you are doing well.

And what you wrote about he regression you've witnessed, well, I understand ad that all too well.

Thinking of you.

[ciluzen]

Regression. I know, right? HaWho, you are absolutely amazing in how you are able to keep it together with your H in the house. I'm in awe of your patience and sense of humor in situations that would probably have me screaming. I don't know though...maybe not the "new" me. But I have very little contact (will probably be non-existant soon).

So, a few quick (well, probably not...I'm wordy) updates since Friday.

I went hiking with D26 and her puppy. He's been acting skittish around people so she wanted me to help her with him. I also chose this time tc push aside her boundaries about speaking to her about XH. I explained that holding in emotions and negative thoughts until they blow is what destroyed XH and my R, and that I was getting a very unsettling anger vibe from her. She would let little comments about him out to me, then bristle if I responded even in a positive way or (more telling)...especially if I showed no reaction. So I called her on it.

At first she said, "I'll be glad when you get over this". So I stopped her and told her that as much as I respected that she may feel that way, that statement was demeaning, rude, condescending and inconsiderate. NO validation from me. I asked her if she could ever imagine this happenning with her H of 1 1/2 years and she told me they had great communication. I laughed and said, "so did we, until we didn't". Until he became afraid of sharing his feelings for fear of hurting mine. Things can change as situations change. She then was ready to listen. So she and I talked and I expressed my feelings about her spending days at a time with not only him (which I encouraged) but with Bubbles, while giving me a rushed 15 minutes to an hour or two at a time. Then I listened to her and got her take. And listened and listened and listened.

She is angry at her father for doing this to not only me, but our family. She has had to practically beg to spend time with him without others, but most of the time he choses others over her. According to her, he feels his time not working is precious and he should be able to spend it with whom ever he wants. Her take is that he has chosen others over her. He hardly ever calls her. Her anger came out. We were able to work through it and, I believe, get past a bit and reach an understanding. I reiterated that bottling it all up and hoping it will go away on its own just makes it worse, even if it seems easier. You may be able to fake it til you make it with some things, but only if you are working on it as well.

On a different note...I'm getting a house! Our housing market (sellers market) has been nuts up here. I was getting stressed about buying a house, as getting a loan would be nearly impossible for me if I didn't find something by June (MFT program, no income other than spousal support while in it, only 3 1/2 years of spousal support left...banks don't like that). I found a house that was amazing in my price range within hours of it being listed and the sellers were going to accept all offers until the next evening and then pick the best one. I offered $10,000 over list...still didn't get it! My friend that looked at it with me was heart-broken and couldn't understand why I wasn't. So...thank you DB and MWD for the "no expectations" mantra. Also, I'm still learning that if it doesn't happen, maybe something better is coming down the pike. It was newer construction in a very nice, quiet, older neighborhood and had many components of my ideal (for my price range) home, but no character really.

I went out yesterday with my agent and low and behold, the last house I looked at...was IT! I felt like it was mine when I walked in. It was not only in the neighborhood that was "calling to me", but was right across the street from the park! 1949 house, upgraded and well taken care of craftsman bungalow, but not "flipped". Just funky and wierd enough to be "me". The for sale sign wasn't up yet, it wasn't even online yet...boom. Got the offer in and accepted within hours. I'm sooooo happy! As I told my friend...the other was not meant to be. This one was!

I'm learning...keep your mind open to the possibilities, figure out what you want, have no expectations, and accept that some things are not meant to be. Just kind of trying to have informed "feelings" be my guide. I'm still waiting for THAT feeling with XH...the not meant to be one. I'm not able to shut that door completely. But I am VERY grateful for the things breezing through my other doors and windows right now!

[Kyh]

Hi Cil,

Just wanted to say thanks for stopping by my thread and congratulations on the house. How exciting!

[ciluzen]

Thanks Kyh! I'm very excited for the house. I'm really happy that my pup will have a yard again...not quite the 10 acres she had to roam before, but after apartment life, I think she'll be happy. And no coyotes (usually) here.

I had to call XH yesterday. D24 called me in hysterics from work while having a "panic attack". She usually doesn't contact family until there is an issue or she needs something. She will ignore most attempts to reach her, as well. I'm the 'lucky" one who she reaches out to or responds to the most. If anyone has someone in your life with ADD/anxiety/depression and issues with substance use...I'm open to advice.

She is not in control of herself. Her "panic attacks" are becoming daily occurences. I was happy she was going to finally see a therapist (not just get meds from a psych who does no real work with her), but she says she can't afford him. Her landlord also apparently told her they wont renew her lease and she has to leave at the end of next month. And...she insists on starting back to school in April. I got this, tears, and screaming spew interspersed with "I don't want to be alive anymore" and "I can't do this" in a 5 minute call...while she was at work in a treatment center for at risk teens (yeah, I know).

XH has said he wanted to help parent and he would help when she got low enough to ask. She won't ask him, just me. So, I called XH. And woke him up (Sunday afternoon). I never get the prepared, friendly, charming XH at these times. His solution is to send her away to a treatment facility. She isn't able to function on her own; he dealt with her on the ski trip. I explained that those usually have to be voluntary. I asked if we could both try to talk to her in person, united front so to say, and he agreed. I know that this will all have to be on me to arrange, though. He'll just wait for me to tell him when to show up. He says he has a friend who had to get help for his nephew in the manner he's suggested so he would call him. I don't know if he realizes what all this entails and I'm not sure he can handle the research and set-up required...he never has before.

So, excited for house...not loving the other part of life so much right now. Also thinking her diagnoses is off. I'm really starting to think she is Borderline P.D. She's been an interesting kid all of her life. Getting her help as an adult is sure not going to be easy.

[bttrfly]

first darlin congrats on the house - you will make it a home in no time, i'm sure.

second, i'm glad you spent time listening x 100 with d26. mlc is a family disease.

third, i think exh is right that d24 might benefit from treatment. i do think you are going to have to lead the way, however.

you may find alanon to be helpful to you. many of the same principles as DB.

again so happy for you on your new home! xoxoxo