Sitting in the cafe in Ravenna

[LouR]

Hey Andrew

Well, what a week you have had!!

I know you said you have finished standing, and I respect your decision, you must do what feels right for you.

But ...I want to touch on something you posted the other day -

There's "something" wrong with her. Something very worrying. Well beyond rebellion, poor decisions etc. I do hope that she reaches out to someone for help. I can't help her and she doesn't want me or my help.

You can help her - you can give her space and time to unravel and slow down the thoughts that are constantly buzzing around her head right now.

She does want your help - just not right NOW and not from the pushy guy you are coming across to her as right now.

You know my story - my h contacted one day out of the blue, he needed my help, he needed me to listen. Despite us having rare contact for a year he knew he could pick up the phone and I would listen, I told him he could and then gave him the space he wants, I was/am his lighthouse - I don't know if he will do it again, half of me hopes he will and half of me hopes he will let me go -

You feel your w is crazy and that to an extent is true, depression is a kind of crazy. Her head is whirring, the thoughts are random and never the same for long, can you imagine living like that? You are making decisions from a clear head, if you have a bad hangover, tired and are coming down with a bug, would you want to have to make decisions? Because that is how your w is feeling and you are asking her to concentrate and be clear headed.

I really do understand you wanting a resolution one way or another, its a extremely frustrating situation and it has you go through every emotion know and discovery of a few new ones. I hope that whatever happens you find peace in yourself. For me a piece of paper won't do that, working on myself and my own life will.

I don't feel married to my h anymore, yet I am in no rush to get a d, I dont need a piece of paper to tell me I am single and my life is once more my own. If I meet someone else and eventually m is on the table, then I will address d ...if my h has not already filed, which he seems in no rush to do.

So, perhaps grab a great bottle of wine (which you still have to recommend to me) and take a step back for the weekend, have some time away from all this and have some YOU time. I can't recommend it enough, its very hard but enlightening to your own weaknesses.

I hope that no matter what you decide to do you continue you to post here, I for one value your friendship and will miss the education I received from you ha ha.

Have a good weekend Andrew, xoxo

[Westo]

I have a question Andrew, if you don't mind.

Has your decision got anything to do with flower girl (or anyone else) and any interest you may have?

[Ginger1]

I think many of us here asked you a particular question, including me darkness, and job, but you never did answer, and of course that is your choice.

But how is your life going to look or be different whether you are standing or not standing? Is there something you would be doing different that you aren't doing now? Is it a control and closure thing so that you could say "the door is closed, I decided you can't walk back in"?

There is a gift in your situation. Many of us with young kids who need to have contact or make decisions regarding them need to close the door for legal, custody, or what's best for our kids reasons. Our lives WOULD look different if we weren't standing. Since your kids are out of the house, contact isn't necessary, and nothing between the two of you would be different whether or not you are "standing" you can afford to let her bake. I think that's a great gift. I look to HaWho who has her ex under her roof with her 2 young kids and has to keep things sane for everyone involved in a tricky situation. Lord bless her, I don't know if I would ever have that strength.

Whether you are done is your decision. No judgement there. But it is obvious you want your marriage to work. You have decided you don't because it isn't happening on your timeline and you aren't getting the answers you want right now. Just make sure that is a good enough reason for YOU to close the door. It doesn't matter if anyone else thinks it's right wrong. You just need to be honest with yourself.

Because aside for dating, if you are living your life the way you want it, (which you should be doing regardless if you are standing or not), life stays the same, and you just leave her alone to bake.

[job]

Andrew,

Everyone has given you excellent advice. Not one person is saying to stay in one place, i.e., we are all saying continue to move forward". If you need that piece of paper that says you are divorced, then by all means run out there and get it...but you know what? Nothing in your world will change because you will still get up each and every morning to a new day, going to work, coming home to a house that requires cleaning and upkeep and two fur babies. The only thing that a divorce gives you is the freedom from guilt of dating and not honoring your vows.

Now, my question once again is what will be different from today if you were to divorce next week? Is it the lady in the flower shop that you have your eye on? Does she create those little butterfly flutters in your gut that makes you think that you might want to investigate the relationship a bit more? If you say yes to this question, then think back...you've been talking a bit about the flower lady for quite some time and you are/were still married. Not saying you were having an emotional affair, but you are interested in her as a "friend" for now. For now, be careful as you are walking a thin line of getting emotionally involved w/this woman and your marriage isn't over, nor are you ready to get involved w/someone else. You've got to have time to heal and clean up your baggage and put it away or you'll be taking that baggage into the next relationship.

Andrew, I am not pointing this stuff out to you to make you feel guilty, because I'm not your guardian angel, but what I want you to do is to truly think about things. What's the rush? Slow down and think things through. Yes, you say you are done and aren't standing any more and this is a good thing because you are dropping the rope and hopefully you will stop contacting your wife. Dropping the rope will take the pressure off of her and maybe, just maybe, you'll stop watching her every move on social media.

Whatever you decide to do, understand this...your marriage didn't crash over night...it took several years for it get to this stage and the same applies to how your wife feels. It's not going to heal and become healthy again w/a snap of the fingers. It's going to take hard work from both parties. She's working on herself internally and you are working on yourself. If you are lonely, get out there and join a gym or get involved in some community activity, whereby you are w/other people. Sitting at home and thinking about her all of the time isn't healthy. These are things that you would do whether you are separated or divorced. Time for you to move from that one spot you've been standing in for quite some time. Get moving!

Take care.

[AndrewP]

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful comments. Please don't think me rude for not responding / addressing them at this time.

I have spent so much time examining my soul under a bright light that it perhaps has gotten a bit sunburned so I am going to attempt to be quiet for a while.

I do not know what the future holds for me or how involved I will be here going forward. This place has been part of my life for almost a year. In some ways it feels like home. I am grateful for the kindness and support that I have received. I will probably hang around for a while like that young adult who still comes home to do the laundry.

Thank you all.

[Westo]

(((Cwtch)))

[job]

Andrew,

No one knows what the future holds for any of us and that's why we suggest leaving the door ajar and moving forward w/our lives.

This Forum isn't just about MLC, but about people and how they are dealing w/the fallout of a spouse in MLC and yes, even some walkaways, sex addicts, drug addicts and alcoholics. We make every effort to support all who come here no matter the circumstances. However, when we see someone that continues to try all avenues to get their spouses to wake up, we get a bit firmer, i.e., just as I did last evening. If we didn't care, we wouldn't come here an hand out 2x4's or challenge the posters on what they are doing or thinking of doing. Trust me, we all do care about each other and want to help any way that we can.

Whatever you decide to do about your marital situation, we will stand by you and be here to listen and offer up advice/suggestions.

[SBJ]

AP...Sorry things are hitting you heavy right now. Just remember, that you are in control of yourself. Nobody can tell you what to do or how to live.

I know you have been in this much longer than I have, but I truly believe there is hope for us all. Maybe the simplest answer is for you to have some space away from all of this. Continue living life for yourself and realize that true happiness only comes from within.

God Bless... But those who trust in the Lord for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles;they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak. – Isaiah 40:31

[AndrewP]

K - Weird question of the day. Not related to DB at all.

The final "archeological freezer contents" have been tentatively identified as 4 chicken quarters that were frozen together for quite some time. There's a fair but of freezer burn but I hate to throw out food. I have put them into the slow cooker with a bit of paprika on top to cook up. Plan A would be to let them finish cooking up and then make some chicken stew from them after deboning. Any other (simple) ideas that would involve things that I have in the house? 75% of what is made will need to go back into the freezer - there's no way I can eat that much in one sitting.

Journal Update - The last of STBX's things have been cleared out of the house and put into the front porch this past weekend. I'm going to put a couple of book-cases out there too. The remaining will need a good dusting and cleaning and then I'll re-shelve the books. All of the pictures of her have also been removed from the house too. Sigh.

I had a nice call with D24 a couple of days ago. We're getting pretty excited about my visit there in March. She's pretty baffled by her mother as well but knows pretty much nothing about what is going on in her life. It's interesting some of the comments that she makes about not being surprised at her mother avoiding dealing with anything and at the mess that was in the house. She sounded excited about the fact that things are now clean(er) and tidy(er). I asked and she agreed to retain a copy of STBX's digital files against the chance that they are never retrieved. There are things in there that are part of D24's heritage that it would be a shame to lose along with some important documents. D24 has also agreed to accept custody of my wedding rings etc along with some things from my wedding. I don't want that part of her heritage to be lost and am grateful that she accepted this. She's not sure what she'll do with my rings but is thinking of making a shadow box. The rings are size 13 (I have very large hands) far beyond anything that she or her H could wear but she also thought about getting them resized down so that she could wear them.

I've been trying to get together with S22 with the usual challenges of him not responding to my messages. He finally got back to me that he's not been well (he gets sick a fair bit) - we've tentatively schedule Friday for dinner. I have some minor things from the house to take down to him too.

I've visited with a few good friends who have been very supportive of me on this journey and to a person they are all very pleased that I have decided to stop standing which is nice. From time to time I have doubts if this was the right decision for me but those doubts never stick long.

This weekend marks the deadline for a few of the items on my list that I shared with STBX. Her credit card will be canceled, online access removed and a couple of very close friends will be told that we are separated and asked to not make a fuss. I'll also be disconnecting her email access to my private domain. I'm sure that she doesn't want to be associated with it especially since it is named after my boat. There is no reason for me to involve STBX in any of this.

I've also done a lot of reading on my obligations and the separation process in Ontario, Canada. According to what I've read I can legally dispose of STBX's goods after giving her appropriate notice and ensuring she has access to the house to get them. I've done all of that but before taking any real action I've added it to the list of things to talk to my L about.

I've been playing around on Facebook a bit. I stopped following STBX's updates a few days ago. I find that I don't really care what she's up to now. I also found a few of the people from here but TBH am uncertain about reaching out to them. I experimented with creating a "throw-away" profile but Facebook grumbled at me. I agree with job's wise advice that having too solid of a link between this place and my real world could cause all sort of trouble.

So - simple chicken cooking ideas please. I'll be checking in about 4 hours to see what people have come up with. The simple answer of just splitting it up into stew may well be the best answer though. Spicing ideas would be helpful too. What IS marjoram after all? So many bottles filled with oddly named substances ...

[Altair]

AP: Absolutely no on eating freezer burnt food. UGH! Don't do it!