Sitting in the cafe in Ravenna

[AndrewP]

Previous thread Cabin in the Woods
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2723724&page=1

Revenna is a town in Italy close to the famous Rubicon river. I've decided to move out of the Cabin for my health and have settled down here for a nice glass of vino and to try the pasta.

Will I get up and cross the Rubicon? I don't know.

Pull up a chair and wave to the waiter for another glass. I'm not sure how long this will take but I will be glad of your company.

[Coly23]

Hey AP, great choice of location! Italy just happens to be my most favourite country in the world especially Sorrento!

So as you may or may not know 'crossing the Rubicon' means to pass the point of no return as with Julius Ceasar and his army. Does this mean that you about to or are mulling over whether to make a significant change in your sich?

[AndrewP]

So as you may or may not know 'crossing the Rubicon' means to pass the point of no return as with Julius Ceasar and his army. Does this mean that you about to or are mulling over whether to make a significant change in your sich?

Exactly. Back in the Cabin I rambled on for a bit about initiating the separation. That's really about all I have the power to do. Yes, I do want W to come back out of affection and Love and I also feel a Duty towards her and our marriage that persists which is keeping me here in the cafe.

I can take a few more baby steps in terms of banking and finance, even in terms of making the separation "public" knowledge and still not cross over. Waiting for W to make her choices clear and to cross over herself either towards me or away has been very frustrating as I am sure you can relate to. I think she's in that Gondola over there in the middle of the river spinning in circles with neither oars or rudder .... <smile>.

I'll wave the waiter over. What would you like .... I may be here until the spring. I really don't know. I've thrown my watch away so that I don't keep staring at it and am trying to listen to my heart and head instead.

[DonH]

Andrew said at the end of the last thread, "None of my friends IRL have the patience for this sort of thing from me..." This is a very astute observation on your part. I'm much with your friends but keep it to myself most of the time. What I'd like to suggest you consider is, why are you waiting for your ww/waw to decide how you will live the rest of your life? Why is it up to her to de idea what you will do next?

[AndrewP]

DonH - Thanks for the visit. In my case I'm not necessarily dealing with a WW/WAW. This is the Mid Life Crisis forum. As I believe I wrote earlier, part of what keeps me Standing is Duty. My W has not explicitly released me from it. Whether that is a coldly calculated move on her part or just my imagination I cannot say.

[DonH]

Okay, MLC then, insert whatever monicker you'd like, the question remains the same for all types in all situations and sexes - why wait for YOUR SPOUCE to make decisions on how you live your life? You keep saying you are waiting for her to decide... Basically what you will do with your life. Should that not be YOUR decision not HERS? What if she NEVER decides? What then? even little things like picking up items, you think more about her than what's best for you. It's your life Andrew. You get to make these decisions regardless. The only thing worse than living in limbo for five years will be living in limbo for five years and one day. I'm not saying you should complete D unless you decide to. I'm saying you should stop letting her make the decisions for your life.

[Altair]

AP,
I'm sure if I were in your shoes I'd do things just as you are-- slowly and one bit at a time. By now, like you, wedding photo would be gone. that obviously is one difference in our situations- H separated accounts, forwarded mail, took every last thing that was his. (of course, left wedding photos unhung, didn't take those)
I haven't had the physical option of the slow-purge, it's all in my head but I believe the process is the same. Separation agreement is a maybe, but like you, is it worth the money for probably nothing? Anyway, I've pulled up a chair and quite like staring at the river. I think I'll start with a glass of Chianti. (hi Coly)

[CaliGuy]

Andrew .. just going to address some things in your post that jumped at me:

The way that I make decisions is to gather facts and then let them stew until they form themselves into an answer.

I do the same, its proven to be a very successful way of making important decisions not only in my personal life but also in business, I have never don't the 'knee-jerk' reaction which so many people do seem to do and regret later .. easier to get your thoughts/logic to over power emotions ... but with the MLCrs this does prove challenging at times and will wear on ones patience far more than you would have anticipated.

The fact that my W hung around the house for months and then moved out on her own all the while (presumably) carrying on her affair but never trying to bring anything at home to a conclusion was and is a source of confusion to me. Odd as it may sound, even though I hoped that she would come back home and reconcile I never really expected her to. Sometimes hope would surge and I would have a temporary expectation but that hope would get quickly crushed.

This is textbook cake-eating on her part, mine did similar however I had no idea there was a crisis, trouble on the horizon nor even an A/OM until after she had her ducks in a row and had moved out, was months later that she informed me there was 'someone else' then all the flags and signs from the past made it all much clearer what had happened. What we fail to realize is they do have a plan but the fog is so thick often times it takes them a bit to actually pull the trigger on things like the divorce ... they are dealing with all sorts of things so this does get put on the back burner for several reasons ... .personally in my sitch I have been looking down the barrel of D for 3 years ... yes 3 years ... truth is I have taken a stance that its her D and she can go through with it if she would like it does not change what I am doing nor my lifestyle at the moment regardless. I am living my life.

I wrote recently on ForGump's thread about problem solving and how one of the struggles that I have is having multiple end-points for my journey. I have no clue where my path will take me which is why I am taking slow, deliberate steps along it making sure that my options are covered and that I am true to myself. My most recent rambling posting is related to the fact that very soon I will have reached my personal Rubicon - the point of no return. If I start dating that greatly reduces the chance that W will be accepted back. If I file for separation I'll be out several thousands of dollars for a benefit to myself that I am unclear of along with the worry that W would not cooperate in the process.

So I am in perhaps in the process of moving out of the Cabin to sit in a nice cafe in Ravenna to drink some wine and think some more. Do I cross that river or do I order the pasta? I really don't know and until I do know, here I sit.

This is an interesting perspective. And what I was aiming at you looking inward towards is the fact you have suddenly felt you are in 'Limbo' where the direction and 'multiple endpoints' as you put it are more up to your W coming out of crisis than they are within your control, or the fact you could choose this or that which is in your control but not a choice you wanted to make.

Often times just sitting in the Cafe looking at your own reflection in the mirror behind the bar is a good way to spend some time.

[Altair]

Don H, if I may--
I don't think AP is letting his W decide (nor am I). Over and over on these threads you end up seeing the LBS actually making the decision whether to take someone back (or not), or deciding to end it. i know my H may never have the b*lls to actually end this thing and force my hand. OK, but it will be my decision and I will do it should it come to that.
Taking H back at this point after disappearing might not be something I can do, I don't know. For now, I choose to -not wait- but just am choosing a non-action. I don't want to throw out ultimatums or file without really thinking this through. Sitting by a river is not the same as H deciding what happens next, to me. I hope I have not assumed too much AP.

[AndrewP]

Sitting by a river is not the same as H deciding what happens next, to me. I hope I have not assumed too much AP.

I say it again "Soul Sister"