No, don't give the envelope back to him. He may very well feel uncomfortable, ashamed and embarrassed giving them the money at this time. It appears that he's trying to avoid having to look at the disappointment and hurt on their faces because he's gone, etc. I would go ahead and give the children their envelopes and cash at Christmas. He just can't face them at this time, especially w/Christmas right around the corner...too many good memories he can't face right now.
As for the clothing, some of them don't think about what they are wearing and don't give a second thought about "matching suits", etc. He may very well just like the jacket. Don't try to over analyze his every word and move. It'll drive you crazy.
Acceptance?? Why do i accept my situation and i do not accept my brother' s?? He got married to OW4 one month prior to his death. He told my BIL and one of his son that this wedding was a crazy wedding to ensure OW4 would get the widdow pension .( which she did not get cause the marriage was too short and my brother was terminally heal.) At his funeral, his older son had a chronique panick attack and we had to call the ambulance. While attending to him, my son comes to me angered and tells me the priest asked OW4 if she wanted to delay the ceremony for a few minutes until the ambulance was gone and everyone else would be present?? SHE SAID NO!!!! my brother' s 2 son missed their FATHER'S funeral.. My brother' s SUV was to be given to his Son2. Did not happen.. she has both vehicule. Last Christmas, who attended the family reunion? You guessed it.. Ow4..
Last summer, My niece got married.. who attended without invitation? Yup.. OW4.. both nephew did not show up . This year, i hear my nephew say: This woman has been " married to my father for a month and now, i am suppose to spend all my holydays and family gattering with her? Dad' s funeral and will are not completed cause we do not want to deal with her.. She annoys me and brother.. Bro is messed up when we approach the subject. He does not want to deal with this. Last night was our gattering... ONCE AGAIN, both nephews missing and OW4 present with her BOYFRIEND and daughter.. is it just me or is this f*cked up??? We left very early.. My son was really upset. He misses his cousins and it pisses him off that they have been put aside for her ..
This is my next move.. no matter how anyone feels about it.. through the holyday season, i am surprising my kids with a visit to Ex-SIL and BOTH of my nephews.. no one will take them away from me.. my law: KIDS FIRST!!
Update of the Holidays.. This year was the warmest (feeling wise) we have had since BD. I shared my situation in regards of XH with a very religious SIL of mine. It brought tears to her eyes and she shared with me an encounter she had with him a week prior. They ran into each other up-town and he approached her to say hi and ask how she was doing. She thought it was odd of him but conversed with him anyway. Her thoughts: This is God' s work.. I think she is right.. Kids spent Christmas Eve with me. ( All 4 ) and EX-H picked them up on the 25th to bring them back on the 26th in the evening.
On the morning of the 25th was the opening of the gift, an afternoon as a family, followed by a supper before Ex-H arrive. I gave the money to each children with the whole story. I explained the why " from MOM and DAD " . Again, weird but positive was their response. I told them to make sure to thank him personally and individually. They did!
Some of you might disagree with what I am about to share.. Going back a little way.. When EX-H' s job was threaten, I made him an offer to sign a release form for his child support. He refused. I insisted in helping him. He refused. I did not want FRO to reinforce payments. I did not want him to lose his home or truck or anything. I did not want another Rock- bottom for him. I was afraid of it. I let it be and waited to see what was going to happen. Outcome: the deal from the government and EX-H' s generosity to us. My demands on our separation agreement are complete. Kids are financially secure and their schooling covered. Once again, I have offered complete release of EX-H' s child support form. He still refuses to sign. I told him ANYTIME he wants to stop, all he has to do is sign the form I have home. He said he would pay as long as they are going to school unless he loses his job. That is the only tie-breaker for him.
Now, it is my turn.. building for my future.. Overall, everything is above my expectation.. Great outcome. I never thought I could do it. Thank you Ex-H for your co-operation overall. You surprise me.. In bad at the beginning but for better and better as time goes by. We might not be a complete unit but we are good. We achieved our goal.
I do not know if it is because I still have children living at home but even after all these years, I do not feel like my story is over in regard of my ex' s MLC. So many weird encounters with him. It will be 8 years, this June.. If son choses Sudb. College, it will be an interesting summer for me and ex-H. I know he will take charge of the move.. I need to read some more about touch and go. when I open the lines of communication with him, the children lose theirs. Would Anybody here know why??
Maybe it is because he has a direct line of communication w/you and he doesn't have to "rely" on communication w/the children in order to feel "close and/or near" you. I know, it sounds crazy, but sometimes just being in touch w/the children keeps that one little strand of thread in place to the spouse. Maybe he has a way of slipping in comments or asking indirectly about you and what you are doing. Maybe the children are sharing some of your life w/him and don't realize that they are doing so.
It's had to say what is really going on in their minds, but some day, he might be able to tell you more about this...but that is much further down the road, if ever.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You might be onto something. MLC is a world of non-sense. Complicated.
The last relationship I had, D2 said he asked a lot of questions and seemed jealous. He came to the store quite often which surprised all of us. The look on his face was pure love and admiration. so much that my co-workers approached me about it. Mean while, he has a lady at home. This look is still present unless she is with him, then he is normal and casual.
I stick to reality. I see his behavior as a web. It is simple for me. Lady present in his life, no me. The way I see it, I have been replaced in regards of life partner. When a problem arise in his life, he comes to me. I bring her to life every time. lol I ask questions like: "What does she think?" "What is she doing to help you with this?" "Why can' t she do this?" "You discarded me, you traded me in for a new life partner. It is not my place to help with this." Anything that has nothing to do with the kids welfare is none of my business." " you told me often in the beginning that your choices were none of my business, well true but this also means that your problems are yours, not ours. You need to figure this out with OW now, not me."
Last week-end, we went on a road trip to visit D21. He texted me all week-end to make sure we were safe on the road and to make sure we made it ok. roads were slippery in the morning and evenings. He is showing he cares. This kind of behavior was gone and is making a come back..
I am not sharing because I want something out of it, I am sharing to keep track regardless the outcome. Maybe to have behaviour comparisons or understanding amongst other posters?
This is just my opinion, but it sounds like he's starting to wake up just a little bit. I would sit back and observe.
If he comes to you for assistance, I would simply say "h, you will need to decide how to handle this situation on your own." I think he doesn't trust her judgment and doesn't want her actually involved in the things that are very important to him. She's like a window dressing to his MLC life. Tossing the ow up in his face is a reminder of how much he's messed up the lives of everyone and it keeps the ow in his focus all of the time, which means he may stay w/her because there is no hope of reconciling w/you. By throwing up her name to him when he seeks your advice, it shows that you still harbor resentment and anger towards him and what he's done. Throwing the ow up in his face doesn't accomplish anything, except maybe make you feel better, but again, she's nothing but a window dressing to his MLC and if it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else.
I have a question for you...if he woke up, made all of the right moves, etc., would you consider taking him back? Whether you would or not, you will still need to co-parent and you both have children and activities that you both will need to participate in now and forever, i.e., marriages, grandchildren, etc. Hold your head up, back straight and remind yourself each and every day that you are the prize. The ow is nothing more than window dressing that can be changed out on a moment's notice if he should decide to attempt reconciliation w/you (that is, if you want to try to do so).
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
From the very beginning, I said: " Give me the man he was and I would take him in a heart beat. give me the man he is now ( secretive, lying, unpredictable, unreliable...), the answer is no.
The old Husband is coming back. I see it. I agree with you. I am damaging more than helping him. I never thought of it this way. Thank you for pointing it out.
Meaning of friend, relationship partner, parenting etc.. The place someone has in your life has been a reflection of mine lately. ( brought on by the last relationship I had). I wonder if he gave me the role of "mother" for him to..
The future will tell! As long as the events stay positive, it will be welcome in my life. Would I take him back? I have no clue. Not yet.
Take each day as it comes, sit quietly and the answers will be revealed to you.
If the old h is returning, it will take some time for him to feel comfortable in his skin once again. Both of you have changed so much during this journey and the both of you will be starting over again, hopefully, as friends. Take things slowly and do not rush the process and definitely leave the ow out of the mix...there will be time enough to share your thoughts/feelings, etc. w/him once he's fully awake and strong enough to listen and actually hear what you have to say.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think she is right.. Kids spent Christmas Eve with me. ( All 4 ) and EX-H picked them up on the 25th to bring them back on the 26th in the evening.