2017 - New year - same MLC but I'm moving along

[Irish M]

Hi guys, thank you all for all the support.

I do not envy you one bit. She is definitely spinning and looking for a "If this happened would I be 'here'" type answer.

Hi Cali,
yes I got that as well from her as well. I don't envy myself either lol

I'll let her figure it out. She does seem more lucid but then again they are good at playing games.

I hear a lot of defending / blaming. I don't know the whole history of your sitch, she refers to your jealously twice. I don't know if you did anything wacky out of jealously or something. If not, the phrase "...and your jealously was born" feels like she's pointing a finger at you.

Hey Brubeck, the jealousy part, well she had a similar crisis over 10 years ago. Left, went manic, met an OM and 3 months later she came back begging. We just went on like nothing happened. But in my core , I had no more trust in her. As time went on and we got married, I did trust her. She earn my trust. Jealousy was gone. Then Mid life part 2 in 2015, a new OM, chatting up sites, I told her I won't accept it and she blamed it on my Jealousy.

So yes blame is still there in some part of her message. She is showing some remorse in we should of done this or that.

hmm, seems like she has a very good therapist that she respects. It sounds like the IC is helping her connect the dots to what happened 10 years ago so that hopefully she figures out those unlearned lessons.

Hi HaWho
yes it seems. Hope she continues. If i look back at the last time she said she was seeing a therapist was 5 months ago. So its good she is sticking to it. I hope for her she finds her way.

I think you have to take some time to figure out how you really feel here. You've said there's no going back for you. Does that also mean that there's no moving forward in a new relationship with Exw? Our old marriages are dead, so they say. How much of a sounding board do you want to be?

I'm reading a lot of what she's doing and saying. You aren't really talking about what this is stirring up for you personally. Maybe that's a choice. If so, sorry if I'm overstepping.

Hi Bttrfly xoxox hugs back at you. You, overstepping.. never :-) And if you wanted to you know you are very welcome to do so.

I haven't really stopped to think about me. Yes, that marriage is dead. There is no going back. I would purely be open to seeing my girls reconnect with their mom.

I'll be honest. Reading her messages I see the old her shining through. I have 2 more messages that i'll post down below. These ones did stir up some old emotions. And I do feel for the woman I once loved. I feel her pain and struggle. I just pray she makes it and her and the girls can find peace. As for me, seeing that happen will be the gift of all gifts.

I don't know the ins and outs of your story nor what happened 10 years ago, though I have read along since I moved to the mlc forum.

Hi Roist, That 10 year ago crisis was the same as this one. Only a lot shorter. A quarter crisis they call it. She was gone a few months. Neglected the kids, partied, spent money, cheated with an OM, shark eyes, change in clothes , new friends...then crashed , cried in my arms for a week and then was back to the way she was before and no real memory of anything.

So in 2015 it was all a repeat for me. I knew from the day she said ILYBDLY and told the kids she didn't want to be a mom that this crisis was back.

I would prefer my W to just disappear like yours if we do split. I am sure it was hard initially bit seemed better than constant interactions and change overs. I really felt for your daughters though.

Her disappearing was a blessing. I was able to detach faster. Not have her monster as much. The girls were sheltered from her and OM. Sometimes I think she is aware of what she is doing and her leaving like that is to protect them, knowing they are in good hands. Having lived her mini crisis I knew this was an illness of some sort. Her family on her mothers side all suffer from it. Its not talked about but it is so present.

I think in future replies you could state something to the effect: the past cannot be changed and wondering about past what ifs won't change it either. As for the girls, they are old enough now to make their own decisions about their R with W and whereas you are not against her reconnecting with them, it is only her that can make that happen.

I agree, the past is the past and I can't dwell on it. Especially the bad. This woman gave me 2 amazing daughters and 17 years of family and love. I want the girls to have their mother.

I know this has to be tough mentally. That is why I took the time to write do much. Bear in mind you have no pressure or obligation to anything including responding to her. Give it some head space but don't let it consume you.

Roist, first of all you are an amazing person with a big heart. it shows in your message to me. I too pray for you and all who are here. Yes it is and has been tough. time does help with that and I do find that I have grown so much. I think I am at the point of not responding to help her but to be a shoulder to lean on instead. I can't pick her up but I will help her walk. If she asks.

You are about 7 months post final divorce!!! Isn't six months post divorce typically a time when they wake up a bit and realize what they've done? If so, she's on target.

Didn't think of that, I only see the every 2 months she pops out. If she has realized all that she has done let's see if she does the next step to fix it for her girls. I again won't tell her what to do.

I definitely won't watch either. And i'll change the channel if it gets too scary.

I have no advice, only support. Given the h@llish situation, I think you are doing great.

Thanks Gordie.

I am in your corner and thinking of you daily. Stay strong my friend. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

likewise SBJ, likewise :-) Happy to have you here. I too am praying for you and your family.

I like the way you responded

I think gently validating without any solution is good
because if you get too close or suggest anything close to reconnection
she may bolt

treat her the way of a distant friend

Hi Peace :-) Yes I wouldn't want to scare her if she has come out of her hole. I don't need another few months of MLC. That is if this is what it is. It could very well be just a hard touch. I was tempted to test her out but then I thought. Nope. Why bother.



Hi Irish .
I really like us talking. I missed it. When I left you I left a big part of me. We were so close and connected. I lost a lot when I left you.
My sister doesn't talk to me still but I didn't have good relationship with her anyway. She talks behind my back and says that I am mentally ill. Oh well. who cares.

Hi XW, I'm sorry to hear about you are your sister. I'm sure she misses you.
As for the mentally ill, she probably doesn't understand what you are going through.

Its funny you say that. I know something happened to me. I should of got help!!!!! everything would be different. I would of found why I was feeling off, solve my pain I was feeling. I don't know. I don't know anymore. I think I didn't have the tools to deal with it. I didn't have the right mindset to get help for me , for our couple. We did once say we should see a therapist before I left. But I abandoned the idea. It was dumb. I did love you. Entirely and truly.

that was the last message. I did not reply. Will wait since its late.

She still only messages me from work. I presume not to alert OM. I'm sure if he read these he'd ask questions.

This is the closest she has ever got to saying she was not all there. Something was amiss but she couldn't put a finger on it.

Like you all say. Be cautious. So I'll let her continue her messages. I'll try to validate a bit but I fear she will jump back into the hole.

March 1 Doctor appointment for D14 is coming up. I'm sure it is affecting her. It is affecting me.


thanks again for all your love and support. I couldn't have found a better family here than I did. God bless.

[job]

Irish,

I would be cautious. Something's definitely going on w/her...could be the om and your xw are on the outs or she's in financial trouble or she may be waking up just a wee bit. Whatever the reason for the texts, keep them simple and to the point, which you've been doing.

I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers and praying that your daughter gets good news on March 1st.

[bttrfly]

Irish this is just so sad. You are doing great at being distant but supportive. Keep up the good work. I can only imagine how difficult this must be.

There's so much it's hard to know what to make of it all but I was a bit concerned about the attitude towards her sister. On the one hand she's saying to you that something is wrong with her yet she discounted re her sister's belief that she may have a mental illness. I'm not really sure what to make of that.

Keeping prayers going for you and your daughter.

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

[CaliGuy]

Just my mind reading logic here ... the sister/mental ill bit may have just been a test to see if Irish would take the bait and pile on the "Mental ill" wagon. If she is anything like mine, she knows something is off but does not want that terrifying mentally ill label thrown at her by those she respects .... as hard as it is to believe sometimes they do look at the LBS as an authority figure and fear rejection ...which seems to me like she is testing at the moment. Again ... just my opinion and take on this new revelation she has ramped up communication quite a bit as of late, I would agree reality has set in and the fantasy is losing its shine so she is circling back and touching base a bit.

Irish you are handling things very well ... it is so easy to get sucked in but as you mentioned they are craft and tricky creatures, but you are swift on your feet and you have been at this long enough to have the tools to navigate this .... and like I , you realize if things can be patched between her and your daughters they would be better for it ... again its on her to do this but I too am hopeful for 'the awakening' if only for my sons sake.

Hang in there Irish I have a hunch she is not done yet.

[kml]

Perhaps, if the opportunity presents itself, you might suggest she discuss the possibility of bipolar disorder with her therapist.

[Ginger1]

Irish, from what I read, I believe she may be mentally ill and her sister is right. Do you believe she is?

[mirage]

Irish,
I agree with Cali. An MLC'er is a crafty animal in the fact that they can lie to themselves easily, so lying to someone else is very easy.

You handle things so well with her. That healthy boundary you set for yourself is important, more for you and your daughters than her but being able to validate what she is saying.

Again, agree with Cali, she is not done. Most people don't know the length's an MLC must travel to become completely whole. The length of time is longer than most people care to admit.

Hang in there, your doing great.

Mirage

[Ginger1]

Perhaps, if the opportunity presents itself, you might suggest she discuss the possibility of bipolar disorder with her therapist.

I didn't see this. Completely agreed. I don't know so much as a MLC but rather bipolar. I am not a doctor, but I lived with a bipolar mom, as I think I may have mentioned.

You also said she did this 10 years ago where she went "manic".

[peacetoday]

Irish

I sense she is testing you to see if your still there
not sure why
she may still have a while to go

they may like to keep OM and X both just in case

I would continue as you are very kind and supportive as you've been -yet no suggestions and NO Relationship talk
and maybe take some time in between exchanges
this way you can continue with your life

stay distant-especially when she tries to bait you as she does..she wants to see where your at

[Irish M]

Thanks for everyone prayers for my D14. I am positive her condsition will be corrected safely and fast. We draw on each others strengths, I have faith.

I would be cautious. Something's definitely going on w/her...could be the om and your xw are on the outs or she's in financial trouble or she may be waking up just a wee bit.

Yes something is brewing that's for sure. I am standing back clear of any possible backlash or debris. She's on her own on this. Financially, I will not help her. Her mom has that role. As for OM. I am not even thinking about him or asking how her relationship is. I best continue thinking of him as a symptom that she needs to take care of. Not me to put any focus on him.

There's so much it's hard to know what to make of it all but I was a bit concerned about the attitude towards her sister. On the one hand she's saying to you that something is wrong with her yet she discounted re her sister's belief that she may have a mental illness. I'm not really sure what to make of that.

Hi Bttrfly , I think she can saw it but anyone saying it about her upsets her. That is why I replied to that in saying. Maybe she doesn't understand what you are going through. It doesn't point any judgement at her and it validates her own thoughts. You cant call a MLC crazy, it's doesn't do anyone any good. It is probably the reason she avoids her sister.

Just my mind reading logic here ... the sister/mental ill bit may have just been a test to see if Irish would take the bait and pile on the "Mental ill" wagon. If she is anything like mine, she knows something is off but does not want that terrifying mentally ill label thrown at her by those she respects

Exactly and her sister is a nurse so she should know better. At least I'm not playing into it and adding wood to the fire.

Again ... just my opinion and take on this new revelation she has ramped up communication quite a bit as of late, I would agree reality has set in and the fantasy is losing its shine so she is circling back and touching base a bit.

Yes, it's more positive communication from her. It started out bad but the last 2 days and this morning has nbeen more pleasurable. Again, I'm not getting pulled in because I see she is nowhere near the finish line. At least it's a sign that they do eventually see through the fog. If she decides to run back in well hopefully the next visit to the real world she will bring some more clarity with her.

and like I , you realize if things can be patched between her and your daughters they would be better for it ... again its on her to do this but I too am hopeful for 'the awakening' if only for my sons sake.

That is my only goal with XW. if I and no children with her, this post would of ended long ago. It's all about my girls and their future.

Perhaps, if the opportunity presents itself, you might suggest she discuss the possibility of bipolar disorder with her therapist.

I first thought about Bipolar in her manic times. But 10 years between crisis's shows it more to be MLC. I have a friend who's wife is bipolar and refuses often to take her meds. Its a life time decease. I really feel for him sometimes.

Irish, from what I read, I believe she may be mentally ill and her sister is right. Do you believe she is?

Hi Ginger,

Her sister is right. Her family history on her mothers side proves the Crisis children theory and MLC. It all started with her grandmother. Then her children ( my Xmother in law and her sister.) both had MLC, X-mother in law had a 3 year deal with MLC and her sister ( my XW aunt) is stuck in it. The story's from their crisis's would make a lot of the MLC's situation here seem like a walk in the park. So that generated my Xw crisis. All repeating history because the kids had no stable environment. My Xw sister had a small one but it was caught by fellow nurses and she was treated. Sh does seem a little self absorbed still but her family is intact. Who knows s=what goes on behinds those doors.

Again, agree with Cali, she is not done. Most people don't know the length's an MLC must travel to become completely whole. The length of time is longer than most people care to admit.

Hi Mirage, I agree as well. not done yet and it could be just a hard touch. I am only pleased with the content of her communication . It;'s less on me, more on her and what she is feeling towards the past. I still have my check list of things she needs to do before I would be convinced of her rebirth into the real world

-1- Put the girls first.
-2- Show true remorse ( not a simple sorry or my bad)
-3- Walk on fire
-4- Therapy, therapy and therapy. (she says she is doing.)
-5- Write the girls a letter and spill her heart and soul out for them. Show them that they had nothing to do with this and accept that she was not well.
-6- Drop the narcissistic personality. Very new to her character since this all started
-7- Walk on fire ( oh I said that already)

there's is so much more but that is the starter list.

Perhaps, if the opportunity presents itself, you might suggest she discuss the possibility of bipolar disorder with her therapist.

I didn't see this. Completely agreed. I don't know so much as a MLC but rather bipolar. I am not a doctor, but I lived with a bipolar mom, as I think I may have mentioned.

You also said she did this 10 years ago where she went "manic".

I truly believe MLC. the therapist I saw and with the girls to help is understand what the heck was going on said she was in a crisis. Depression and unresolved issues as a child. Not sure if bipolar takes a 10 years holiday. She didn't show any signs of it before the first short crisis either. But who knows . the brain is a weird and straight thing at times. Not sure if anyone really I understand how it works.

I sense she is testing you to see if your still there not sure why she may still have a while to go
they may like to keep OM and X both just in case

Hi Peace ,
Possibly you are right. I'll keep my distance and not answer to most of her messages unless I feel it can be a validation or about the girls. As for OM, She can have him , I wont be standing in line. that's one thing I'm sure she knows. The girls want nothing to do with him. He is a part of her leaving them. I won't be her friend knowing he is there.

Let's say she leaves him. Gets an apartment or house to be able to build trust and a relationship with the girls. The moment she blames them for her leaving him or I , the girls would just leave. She has to decide alone that her relationship is over and it should of not happened the way it did. It cant be a story of lost love because of the kids.


Quiet messages Yesterday. Got in late after work and an evening with a friend. Waited until this morning to read my home emails. One from XW talking about a journal she made of her experience of her pregnancy of D16

I'll first give you an Idea of the journal. D16 was supposed to open it at her 16th birth date.

It starts out by her talking about herself, who she is, where she works, her age etc. Then it goes into her thoughts on me. How we met, the love and bond we had. The way we built our relationship ( no soulmate love)
She does go on about her thoughts of me the first time she met me.

It then jumps to our time living together. Our first apartment. then our planned pregnancy of D16. Details of her body changes, what she felt and the week by week events up to the pregnancy and choosing of the name.


.
It is a few pages and quiet detailed along the way. Emotions, ideas, details of how we were as a couple. It is by far the most loving thing XW has ever put to paper.

her email yesterday.

Hi Irish, read the journal that I did for D16 about our pregnancy. It brings back so many happy memories :-)

my reply.
Yes it was a well written journal of those times. D16 hasn't read it yet. I'm sure she will one day.

Now no reply from that. Also she is home and not at work. If I look at the hour she sends these messages they are from work. I guess at home she will avoid emailing.

I for one won't look at my emails this weekend. I will be out all day with my camera. Lots of fog in my area. Above seasonal temps. Tomorrow back to a cold snap.

Hope you all have a great weekend.

Irish