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Silent follower here.

I think it is the right thing to do like job said to set those boundaries needed to be set in place. Good job on that.

What is her need to tell you how happy she is without you?

That's an easy one. She isn't. People who are truly content and happy in their lives do not feel the need to continually blame and spew at the ones they believe were the cause of their unhappiness. People who are as happy as she says she is, wouldn't look back to what they claim makes them unhappy. No reason to go there if they are truly happy.

She is clearly one miserable sad woman. Any woman who does what she has done to her kids must need to believe something in order to go on.

Hang in there. I'm glad you have blocked her from you phone. You deserve peace.

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You let her push your buttons Irish - gotta get a little tougher. You took the bait. Don't do it next time.

Her text was a sad and very obvious attempt to make herself feel better. If her life was really so good, trust me, she would not have been texting you on her birthday.

If you want to be compassionate, just validate and move on. Something like:

"I'm sorry you feel that way about our relationship, I did love you and regret that somehow you couldn't feel it. I'm glad you are happy now. Be well."

I know you're mad at her for her behavior with the girls but I would take that text as further proof that she's really unwell and leave it at that.

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Originally Posted By: peacetoday

She is so insensitive..she acts like a child
never asking= only boasting
no regard for your feelings or the girls


Hi Peace

I's just unreal but everything about MLC is unreal.
I've honestly had enough. I thought I was detached from it but I guess I wasn't.

Now I can definitively say good riddance.

And I don't think it was I who was still attached to her. I think it was always the idea of my girls having this person as their mother that hurt me most. My hope she would wake up was for them at this point. Now that is even gone. My girls don't deserve a mother like this.
No concern for them, no interest in them, no real attempt to connect.

Originally Posted By: peacetoday

I wonder how she will feel when she realizes you are not available and can't get through to you
I think it is a good choice at this point-
let her know you are done playing games


She has that one access point available to her. But to be honest. If she was sane, wanting to connect to the girls. How hard is it to create a new facebook profile and message them, how hard is it to mail them a letter, drop something at the door, communicate with the school counselor and try to connect somehow. She has done not of that. I would have tried every possible measure to let the girls know i love them, miss them and respect them. She has failed on everything.

Originally Posted By: bttrfly

It's astounding how out in left field they are. hard to remember at times like these that it's an illness - theirs, not ours.


hi bttrfly xoxox your hugs are always welcome. Yes its astounding. I went through the stages of thinking maybe it was me and not her. Maybe i did drive her away, neglect her. etc But then I look at my notes, screen shots of her new facebook, her comments to the girls, her actions and I get the relief in knowing it is her. I did nothing to deserve this , the girls did even less. Her family history has repeated this behavior in 3 generations and has spread out to aunts and cousins of hers.

We all want to think that my MLCr will be different. My odds don't look good. So I am cashing in my chips and I am leaving the casino. Game over.

Originally Posted By: Kyh
Looking back a few post I think you knew it was coming when you mentioned her bday coming up.

Reading what she said I couldn't help thinking she is seeing you and your Ds doing well and wants you to be as miserable as her.


Hi Kyh :-) thank you for your thoughts :-)

Yes its expected, birth dates, mothers day, xmas, new years, etc etc.. too many special dates. They must dread them.

I too believe she is miserable and has to put on the fake show to save face. She was a stubborn one before MLC, I don't see that trait changing any time soon. I mean she hid her sadness and depression from me for a year prior to BD,. So her talent of putting on the happy face is there.
Originally Posted By: job

To me, it sounds like she's trying to convince everyone and yes, even herself, that she's happy and has done the right thing. When people tend to brag like that, they are looking for validation and attention. Poor thing, she's miserable as the dickens and she truly wants attention for you and the girls. She, in her confused little mind, knows that she messed up big time.


Hi Job :-) We are doing fine. I'll add an update on my girls at the end of the post.

As for XW, Attention was so important to her. She needed it. Hope she enjoys the ride because when and if it all comes crashing down it will be bad. I don't want to be witness to it.

Not sure if she know she messes up. In November when she had her moment of clarity. I truly believe she did. In this state of mind. She did nothing wrong.

Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Silent follower here.
What is her need to tell you how happy she is without you?

That's an easy one. She isn't. People who are truly content and happy in their lives do not feel the need to continually blame and spew at the ones they believe were the cause of their unhappiness. People who are as happy as she says she is, wouldn't look back to what they claim makes them unhappy. No reason to go there if they are truly happy.

She is clearly one miserable sad woman. Any woman who does what she has done to her kids must need to believe something in order to go on.


Hi Ginger the silent follower :-) So happy you messaged me with your comment. I really feel that was her game. To seem happy and make me sad. Her saying that didn't affect me the way I think she wanted. It did the opposite.

I didn't feel an ounce of jealousy, or sadness that I am not part of her happy life. It actually made me flip a switch off. Off to her. How she can make such a remark knowing that she doesn't see her daughters and the longer she is in this tunnel the less chance of her having a normal relationship with them will be. I'm not even angry at her.. just done.

Originally Posted By: kml
You let her push your buttons Irish - gotta get a little tougher. You took the bait. Don't do it next time.

Her text was a sad and very obvious attempt to make herself feel better. If her life was really so good, trust me, she would not have been texting you on her birthday.

If you want to be compassionate, just validate and move on.


Hi KMl :-)
this time not really. I've had enough of being compassionate and enough of being angry. I simply let her know, I'm not interested. Enough is enough and set the rules going forward.

I truly wish her luck.


Update , My D14 is scheduled finally to see the specialist on March 1.(no I will not update my XW) She can ask my family doctor, i gave her the number a few weeks back or message me.

D16 is graduating this year so I am starting the oh so important process of fining a graduation gown. Love being a Dad.

Not sure I will update as much but I will drop in on a few more of your own posts. So all you silent followers.. start posting your story. I promiss it will help you get through this.

last note. Job, thanks as always for being here. Editing my poorly positioned paragraphs and being a true support.


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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mon ami i will miss you frown


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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take good care


married 14 years
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D final 3 /09
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Irish,

The door is always open and we will be here when you need us. Please let us know how your daughter makes out.

Take care.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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hey bud. happy valentine's day to you and the girls! how are you? how is d14??? xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hi bttrfly :-) xoxo happy belated valentines day to you too.
Hope everyone is doing good. I have a lot of catching up to do.

my D14 is doing good. No real symptoms and we are scheduled to see the neurosurgeon march 1st. we cant wait.
She is a little scared but I reassure her every time.

I had a great St-valentines days supper with the girls. Raclette. yummy
Not sure if everyone knows what that is. but its a must try. Sort of like fondue but with different kinds of meats and cheeses.


I'm back here tonight because my XW popped her head out of her hole again.
a small message asking

how are the girls and any updates about D14

I was pleased. I replied .
They are doing good and D14 has an upcoming appointment march 1st , So you can message me after that date if you want an update.

I promised myself I wont update her if she doesn't ask for it.

She wrote. I know now what i did was wrong. The marriage wasn't fake and I'm ready to do anything to be part of the girls lives. I miss them so much...

Also are you going to hold a grudge about all the mean things I said???


I took my time answering. and it was a simple reply.

XW, I do not hold a grudge. That emotion died long ago. The only hurt I feel is that the girls don't have their mother in their lives.

I won't tell you what you need to do.

I know one day they will reach out to you. Empathy isn't one of the Teens highest qualities. That comes with age and experience.

Take care.


She replied to me.

Irish, I was a good mom, my daughters always came first, I even put them before me. Me and the girls were like best friends. I never hurt them, beat them, abused them. I love them. You are a good dad and I think you handle a lot. If you don't help me you will handle a lot alone for a long long time....

Funny how she always puts the multiple dots at the end of her messages.
Anyway, I wont answer. She clearly doesn't see what she did or is simply putting the rug over it.

Looks like I'm in for a few good days of her messaging me. Its been a few months so she is due.


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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the last sentence is what bothers me.

the first way i took it was as a threat.

but then i re-read it. perhaps she meant that she's sorry you have to be both parents due to her choices.

then there are the ...

deliberate ambiguity so you have to fill in the dots? I dunno. SO I fall back to what we learned in the beginning about mind reading being unhelpful. Heck half the time I wonder if they even know what they mean.

I think you handled it beautifully. Well done, mon ami!

Anyway, glad for an update. You know, you could choose to update us on you rather than waiting for your ex-wife to see her shadow and give you 6 more texts until springtime wink

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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job Offline
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Irish,

I'm glad that your D14 is doing good and her appointment is right around the corner. Hopefully you will get some answers and will know what comes next w/her health.

I'm also happy to read that St. Valentine's Day was a pleasant one for you and the girls.

As for your xw, yes, she's poking her head out once again and is trying a different tactic to get info. Sometimes they are nice and other times nasty. It will be interesting to see if she holds steady and starts doing what she needs to do to reconnect w/her family. Time will tell.

As for the last sentence, she's basically stating that she wants you to rebuild the bridge that she tore down so that she can walk across it and be in her daughters' lives. Unfortunately, she's not grown enough to realize that no one can do that for her...she has to do that herself. Also, you've been traveling your path a while and have taken care of not only yourself, but your daughters. It's not like they are infants...they are growing up quickly and don't need their dad nearby, i.e., like you would have done if they had been infants.

You are wise to not respond to this last message. Leave her to stew and think a while. She'll be texting again very soon.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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