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Joined: Apr 2015
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I am glad your break is going well.

Yes . Self care is a priority and if you need to delete her messages to help not dwell on them, that is a good action.

You are right in your assessment of her, but that is only the part that is missing. Focus on the good points.
1 she wants to reconnect with your girls.
2 she wants you on her team. (This is a debatable topic but for now consider it as positive)
3 she admitted she was wrong.
4 she illuded to putting girls before current bf
5 she is contacting you a lot and apparently hidding if from bf
6 she wants you to be happy.
7 she is in therapy to help her move forward.
8 om, moving out etc have not made her happy.
9 she realises your M was good and she was wrong to say otherwise
10 she acknowledges how good a dad you are.
11 she realised she has still a void and isn't trying to artificially fill it.

That is just off the top of my head. There are surely more. I am not asking you to do anything different. Continue as you are but I think it would do you better not to dwell on what is missing and appreciate/acknowledge what is positive. You are right to be cautious. Definitely.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 726
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Hi Roist

Your message was well taken and needed.
I guess I got to protecting myself. I do see her moving forward and there are a lot of positives. I should remind myself of them more often. I thank you.

My email and phone are no longer blocked. She knows she can call. I'll still hold off making first contact. I will accept her communications.

In the end if her relationship with her girls can be saved, that is all that matters at this moment in time.


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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Posts: 3,925
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I would think it would be hard to keep your expectations low
and also not to loose hope
although she is peeking out and that is excellent, the process may take longer than
you would want or think
continue on with your life and plans but be positive if you can about whats to come


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Bon matin mon ami.
Roist's list is great with the following caveat from me -
#5.
Hiding it from OM. I'm sorry. That's a red flag for me. I cannot put that in a positive column. At best I'd rate it neutral to negative, so on a 1-10 scale, 10 being completely positive and 1 being completely negative, and 5 being totally neutral I'd but that as a 3.5-4. Why? Because while it's nice that she's contacting you and saying all these positive things, she's clearly still potentially hedging her bets by keeping the OM in the dark.

What would it take for this to be positive in my mind? Her being honest with OM. In fairness, we don't know that she isn't being honest with him. So. I'm actually not sure if this is helpful. I think ... you are wise to keep your guard up, while sending her the best thoughts in wishes and hopes for healing in her future.

Still looking for eagles. I took the camera out of my car and found myself at the lake yesterday morning quite unexpectedly. Way down the lake there was a raptor sky dancing. It could have been a hawk, but it looked like it may have been a male eagle (they are smaller than females). Regardless, it was beautiful. Of course if I'd had the camera with the 300 zoom ... m e r d e ....

wink

Have a beautiful day with your beautiful girls and keep doing what you're doing. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 726
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Hi Peace, yes I will continue my path. It hasn't been long enough and no real actions yet from her. I do have faith in her though.

Hi Bttrfly
I agree with you on the major red flag. No messaging after 5pm Friday and they don't start until 8am Mondays. Evenings are also quiet.

I don't want to be a secret so I'll let her know the next time she reaches out.

She sent an email to the girls though. Friday before her leaving work. They just stumbled upon it today. It said: hi girls, I miss you like crazy. Maybe we can talk one day. I love you more than anything in the world.....

The girls found it off. D16 says: How could she declare that kind of love for us when she's gone. Love in my books has a whole different meaning.
If she did love us that much she would of did the right thing.

They decided to not answer.

Hugs xxx


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Joined: Feb 2016
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Hello Irish

I've been on these boards since 2015 under a different name. But this is my first time posting on your thread.

What really stands out in your situation to I imagine every one of us posting here, is that your ex was capable of walking away from her children.

That is an act that is just so unnatural and uncommon. I think that every single mom here would agree that It goes against every instinctual fiber in a mother's being. And my heart goes out to you and your daughters.

There must be some thing seriously, and physiologically wrong. It reads that way. Her writing reads that way. I think you are handling it very well. But just as we wouldn't expect someone that had a physical handicap to be able run a marathon we might have to come to terMs that some one that has some sort of mental handicap might not be capable of being a reliable parent figure. And that can be a very hard thing to come to terms with, but also freeing. Because then we are accepting the person for what they can give instead of what they should. It allows us to give up resentment and anger which is just so so harmful.

Again. I am so sorry for your daughters. Every child deserves the emotional support of both of their parents. And their is a lot to process. I hope your daughters have only the best resources. It seems like they have the best of the best fathers.

Hugs

J.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Hi Irish,
I understand the pain and confusion of D16s question. I'm sorry the girls are holding her at bay, but I completely understand why. What I'm really sorry for is that the girls feel they have to protect themselves against their mother. I wish with all my heart that this situation can be resolved in a way that heals the damage done.

As Juju said, they have the best of fathers. You are their rock and if you need a rock of your own, we are here {{{hugs}}}
xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
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Posts: 1,654
B Bttrfly is right and hugely so if talking about an eventual reconciliation. I could make arguments why it is a good thing and why it is not so good. Essentially I mentioned it in the first place to try focus on positives rather than negatives. I found it to be positive as it shows cracks in other R. Plus she is continuing to contact you despite knowing it could upset R. Yes these are not the qualities we look for to build a R. Do definite red flag for that, but still does show current R isn't perfect.

For simplicity you can replace it with another point. I think her sending an email to the girls is positive. Its adequacy and content are surely lacking. But remember your W is lost in her thinking. She does not know HOW to do it better yet. But she did reach out to them.

I suffered from depression before. It can cripple someone's ability to DO what needs to be done, even to do what you want to do. It probably took your W a lot of effort to send that E-mail. It is easy to think she thought that those few lines would fix things and that is dillusional of her. Maybe she didn't put in an effort, but I think it is also probable that she just did the best she could.

Before you are in contact with your W, I ask you to take a little time to consider your approach. Don't just acknowledge that the girls got her email and don't want to reply. Say something along the lines "that it wasn't enough for them to get passed their hurt" and/or "they don't understand the discrepancy between her words and what she did. " a simple statement that they choose not to reply will be a slap in the face for W. Maybe she deserves that, but being rejected may have the opposite effect on W. Instead of hitting her with that and sending her away to lick her wounds, a slightly more empathetic reply could help her continue to search for how to reconnect better.

Similarly with your D's, you could take a step too. This is obviously confusing for them, not forgetting their sense of lose and abandonment. Discuss their feelings with them. Don't explain her actions to them, but you could say she is trying to connect the best she is capable of right now. I am short on time but I wanted to just say, maybe you could take the sting out of their initial reaction so they can see passed the obvious.

I am not telling you to actively work towards their reconciliation but how you communicate to each party, can have an important affect.

I don't understand why you are going to contact W about her hiding her contact with you from OM. At this stage that has nothing to do with you. It is controlling. I do not see how it can help you or the girls. Why not wait and see later if there is merit to doing so.

Irish, these are just the views of an impartial outsider with the aim of looking at things differently. I know this cannot be easy and this may be adding to your confusion. But my advice and comments are said with the best of intentions and like all the posts here, you are free to take away from it what you feel will serve you.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
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The hardest thing for me is to realize that my sons relationship with his father is essentially none of my business. It is between them and up to them to tend. I say this because I feel that you Irish get that completely.

Think a bit before saying anything about you being a secret. I feel like that would pop her back into the rabbit hole. That can be said later no?

Courage non ami! Xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
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I agree with the others

I would not say anything about OM or your situation..
that may bring them closer..she will have to decide on her own if that R is what she wants
Your validation and kindness will help her make her decision

I like the way Roist responds about the email and your W
an empathetic view may be the best way to deal with her

a reconnection with the girls may be for everyones best interest

Even though it is easy for us to understand the girls hurt- your W may not know why they can't get past it.she probably is steeped in denial still

and I also agree her lack of words or knowing what to say to fix it
she may not fully understand the impact this had on them
especially since she hasn't talked to them

go easy
good luck


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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