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#2723600 01/01/17 03:38 AM
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...206#Post2723206

I would like to wish every single one of you a Happy New Year and may this New Year bring you inner peace, self love, courage and laughters.We are the only captain of our ship.

Leap of faith is for me to take that jump in the unknown. I have noticed that holding on is only hurting me. I thought I'd die (literally) 21 months ago but i'm still alive. Hurt yes but i'm still breathing. My life hasn't turned out how I expected it, although looking back now I have done and achieved things I'd never have thought I was able to do.

What the future holds, I don't know as I'm only on a journey to rediscover me.

Rouky #2723607 01/01/17 07:01 AM
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Happy New Year to you too.

I like the title of your new thread and that's what we should be doing...taking a leap of faith. We won't know what the world has in store for us if we don't take that leap of faith.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2723628 01/01/17 10:45 AM
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Hey Rouky,

Happy New Year to you and here's to peace and love! I know that the person you will rediscover is an amazing and beautiful one. One that is strong, resourceful, inspirational and many other lovely attributes. 2017 will be an amazing year for you as it will for me with our new found circumstance of only having to please ourselves and take care of our children.

God Bless you, Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
shotgun #2723634 01/01/17 11:11 AM
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Nice message. Best wishes for the new year.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2723645 01/01/17 01:46 PM
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Happy New Year, Rouky! Wishing you all the best this year! Be so so proud of yourself and how far you've come. With each obstacle you get stronger and stronger. You really can do anything. Take that giant leap.... We're rooting for you!!!


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Pax_luv #2723820 01/03/17 09:51 AM
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Happy new year rouky!


I still have yet to catch up. But I know from our history on newcomers, you deserve much peace and happiness for the upcoming year.

Hugs

J.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2723828 01/03/17 10:29 AM
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Well what an interesting reading I had. I read again the lighthouse story, and I have realised that I need to be the lighthouse for myself not H. This is a new perspective that I'm willing to follow and to see where it will lead me.

H is making me laugh with his temperature checking (if I can call them like that). Got a phone call on Christmas Eve which I found hilarious because he knew how important this day was for me and my family. I guess it was his way to remind me that he still exists! Then just when I was about to go out on NYE, I got another text about something I asked him regarding our children 2 days earlier which didn't even required a reply. I was also pleasantly surprised when he had the kids ringing me on NY day as I wasn't expecting it. Now he is supposed to pick up things for the kids but hasn't made any arrangements for it (normally the old Rouky would have dropped those things to his place, but not this time), so I had to text him late in the afternoon that they would be ready for collection from my front door. Might be harsh but seeing him physically would send me straight back down the pity hole, and it is something that I don't want to feel again.

For 2017 I don't wish health, money or happiness for myself but spiritual growth because I know that when I am where I'm supposed to be health, money and happiness will be already there or will follow suit.

Rouky #2723845 01/03/17 11:27 AM
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I love your comment about spiritual growth smile

And just wanted to tell you how much I relate to your battle against negativity.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2723850 01/03/17 11:40 AM
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2017 will be so much better, I just know it.
So nice to hear from Shotgun! (If you see this, do know that there are lots of us out here thinking of you and wishing you well, Shotgun.)
Take care, all.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
NYGal #2723897 01/03/17 03:26 PM
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Happy New Year!

I fight negativity the most for one week every month! Lol, those hormones send me over the edge in negative thoughts.
You are doing a WONDERFUL job taking your life and happiness into your own hands. I'm so happy that you went out & had a good NEw Years Eve. .


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



twinmom #2724140 01/05/17 12:25 PM
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I'm just journaling as it find it funny. Got my kids back after a week with their dad. They didn't miss me (which is weird as I'm not sad because at least I know they are looked after). Apparently OW had two sleep over.
Is it normal but I'm starting to feel sad for OW as H told the kids that she is just a friend, she stayed in the guest bedroom, and what is more funny is that she wasn't there on NYE or NY day.
Honestly in here we are always told to look at the actions not the words. I don't believe that she stayed in spare room but her not being there for such important dates (they have been together for 4 years now). Also they had a family gathering at his house and she wasn't there. So why after 4 years would you not invite your girlfriend when you spent Christmas with her and her family?

I know I'm mind reading, and on the other hand his actions are showing someone who isn't prepare to commit ( even after 4 years), and I would be lying if I didn't want him and OW to have some consequences for what they have done as I feel it would be really unfair of God to have them hurting me like they did and no consequences for them.

Yes I sound sour because I'm grieving a marriage.

Rouky #2724150 01/05/17 01:23 PM
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I hear ha rouky.

We both need to be ok with things not always being fair. In the short term any how.

To be honest, I don't think your husband is capable of really truly committing to anyone. It's not about you, or OW, or his ex. It's about him. It's simply who he is. All OW has right now, is a man incapable of real committment and honesty.
I would rather have no one then have that. So yeah, she has consequences. And your ex just doesn't have the depth to experience what real love and committment for another is. That's a consequence as well.

You my dear, have great empathy, insight and the capacity to truly love someone when you are ready. (Hopefully someone deserving and able to reciprocate)

I am working on just accepting the cards I'm dealt. Fair or not fair. A husband that didn't want to be in a partnership with me. Everything else is irrelevant and we have to proceed that way.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2724282 01/06/17 10:18 AM
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Just venting as I'm really annoyed with one of my friends. She was telling me that actually she finds H considerate towards me as he has introduced IW to kids as a friend and that she stayed in the guest room. She thinks that he is doing the right thing for the kids as if his relationship with OW don't last the kids won't get too attached to her. I read on many posts here that Hs usually don't hesitate to initiate a lot of contact with their kids and OW, so why mine isn't doing it like everyone else?

She also added that maybe this OW is bringing the best out of him and I told her that it was hurtful as I felt it was implying that I have been a bad wife and a bad mother! . The kids even told me that they were playing board games with him and her! When we were together he couldn't do that because he was saying that there were some jobs to be done in the house!

Basically tonight I feel like sugar because I feel H is becoming a better dad than when we were together (implying I was a bad wife), he is doing more fun things with them (no I feel like a bad mother), that he is being considerate on how he introduces OW (I feel like he isn't taking any responsibilities for his actions by saying she just a friend and introducing her gradually!). I feel like he is putting bullsugar in my kids' eyes as he hasn't told them the truth of who she is. I feel like my kids don't remember before when we were together and he was never there. I feel that my kids are going to love their dad and OW more than me and mainly that they won't see who their dad really is and the pain he put me through
Friends also added that maybe OW being in spare room was because we are still married and he doesn't want to confuse the kids with sleeping with OW!

I really feel that the kids will never condone what their dad did to me and them, that he gets to look good whereas I believe he has very low moral values, but mainly that he will never been made accountable/ get consequences for what he did.

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Hi Rouky! My apologies for being away for so long but I am curious about your GAL activities these days. What did you do the week your kids were with their dad? I personally still struggle a little bit with getting out but I feel so much better when I do. Are you getting exercise? Dressing sexy? There is a hot way the girls are doing eye shadow these days that looks a little like Cleopatra and I love it! I've let my hair grow out and my beard get scruffy. STBXW would never let me do either. Anyway I hope you have plans for the weekend!

Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
shotgun #2724416 01/06/17 09:26 PM
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Hi Rouky, IDK if I've posted on your thread but I try to follow along and your last couple posts resonated with me. I'm sorry to read about your friend and I know how you feel about H, I've been there and I know that disgusted feeling about OP with no morals being introduced to my kids and not being able to do anything about it. I won't go into detail but I had a major insult to that injury which I've pent up which makes it worse but it is also reminder how completely out of it W is. Remember, you know the truth of the situation and deep down your H does too. I wouldn't consider OW staying over not having much contact. Remember she is probably as messed up as your H is right now and your kids will eventually figure it all out if you be their rock. Try not to give her your mental energy, I know easier said than done, I've been struggling with this really bad the last couple weeks.

As far as OW brining out the best..well that's just not true. He's putting on airs, OW probably wouldn't stick around to babysit while he did chores/maintenance around the house. Must be a MLC thing, my W did the same. Before BD she was always sick and didn't do many activities with the kids and I, then after she leaves and hangs out w/OM she starts doing things with them that she wouldn't with me and the kids. We have to remember it's them and not us.

Kyh #2724499 01/07/17 03:36 PM
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Proud with myself as it's two days after my kids have given me a lot of details of their holidays with ex and one day since my friend made me doubt and I'm back to my normal self. Usually I would have dwelt on it for ages, but just two days is a sign I'm on the up. Today hardly thought about ex! Whoo hoo!

To answer your questions Shotgun my GAL activities have taken a rather quiet turn. My work doesn't stop once I have left school, I have about 2/3 hours of work in the evening once kids are in bed. So going out is a bit hard, so most of my GAL are at the weekend. I try to do one activity with my kids each day and when they aren't there I meet up with friends. It's too cold to dress sexy here. Hahahah!

Kyh thank you very much for stopping by as your post really cheered me up. All that you say is so true as I was unhappy in my M but still wouldn't consider cheating on ex. Both him and her must be pretty messed up.

Just got a dilemma and would like some feedback from people here. I have been dark with ex for 3 months now (unless it relates to kids), when he comes to pick up kids I don't see him or if I have to talk to him because the kids want me to say something to him I do it from another room. I can't bring myself to see him physically and I'm wondering what impacts this might have on my kids. They see me not coming to the door when they are pick up and they see I don't speak to him face to face. Am I showing them the right example? On one hand I'd like to show kids that I can have a cordial relationship with their dad but on the other hand I don't see why I should be cordial and friendly with him. If a friend had betrayed me like he did, I'd no longer be in contact with him/her, so why pretend with ex?

My eldest also asked me to invite her dad for her birthday party. I said that she will a birthday party with her dad and one with me. I have been honest with her and added that at the moment I'm still hurt and I need time to heal and for me healing includes not seeing her dad. Don't know if I handle it well but I have always tried not to lie and I'm not going to start this now.

I want my kids to be brought up as honest people and having values.

Rouky #2724519 01/07/17 06:15 PM
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Hi

I hear you and honesty is important
but sometimes we can tweek the truth
"I am still hurt and I think forgiveness is the best action"..then your kids see strength, courage and discipline
maybe you can work on forgiveness a little at a time..

if we forgive,,the load gets taken off us
WE win
he/they will still have consequences -no one can outrun karma but that is not for us to determine their consequences
I would work on creating a cordial R..work on forgiving and letting go


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Hi Rouky, I understand how you feel. I have only seen XH once since BD and I have no idea how I would feel if I had to see him again. Pretty rattled I would guess. In fact when I have to go to 'his city' I get irrational fears about bumping into him, or OW or worse, both together..

But he and I don't have to kids together and I am lucky enough that SS chooses to keep in touch and his Mum encourages that too. I don't need to be in contact with XH for that to happen.

When you have kids together, I think it is healthiest if you can get to a point of interacting face to face, even if that is in a fairly minimal and pleasant way. Your kids will notice if Mum & Dad never see each other and it will impact I think..

I get how hard it is though....(((((hugs))))...and I agree with Peace - working towards forgiveness as a gift to yourself is so important - letting go of the need to 'punish' or for him to feel 'consequences' - life tends to do this, there is no need for you to hold on to any of that. If you can release it and feel peace within yourself even when 'faced' with him, that will be further progress forward for you...

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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I have been really struggling lately. I can't seem to let go, got another text today from ex about him taking the kids to a theme park that we said we would but couldn't because we didn't have the money.

Now I'm really feeling like a pill of ...! It feels like ex is out there to make me feel like a bad mother because he is doing so many nice things with them and he wouldn't do them when they were younger. Oh! I get it when they were younger it was hard work now that they are more independent it's easier.

I can't believe that ex can't realise that if he can do all this things it's because we no longer have financial difficulties. It hurts because we said that once the house would be sold we would do all the things he has done with the kids, the only difference is that I'm not part of it! I knew our old house was financially draining us but we always had insight to sell it and start to live because we sacrificed a lot (well I did), so I put up with his antics as I could see the big picture, not him.

Here what I want to write to him: Thank you for letting me know about your trip to X I'm glad to see that you have now some time and money to spend on the kids. Funny that you couldn't be like that when were together. Oh I forgot you found the because you'd prefer working 7 days a week and sleep in another woman's bed!

Rouky #2724551 01/08/17 05:00 AM
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Why does he need to tell me what he does with the kids when it is his weekend?

Rouky #2724554 01/08/17 05:15 AM
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Hi Rouky - put down the phone, step away and no-one gets hurt!!

I think in his messages to you he is trying to reinforce to himself - I'm a good dad. In truth, the stuff he does has a ring of 'Disney Dad' to it - and all of that is up to him. What is up to you is your reaction/response. And if you send what you'd like to send is that the person you want to be in this break up? Be responsible for your own part and let him be responsible for his.

I would say you have two positive choices here - 1) Don't respond and go happily about your day - 2) respond with something reasonably positive - Okay, have fun :-) - or similar..

I don't think the problem is his actions/choices as such - but your degree of attachment to them...in many ways you are doing really well and have made much progress, but this is maybe an area to look at....

Now step away from that phone my lovely!! Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2724595 01/08/17 08:30 AM
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I agree w/Sotto...don't text or call him. What he's trying to do is convince himself and others that even though you are separated, he's still being a good dad, or should I say, he's practicing being a Disney Dad. He really doesn't need to tell you what he's doing w/the children because they'll tell you themselves when they get home. It's all about appearances and reactions. He wants to get a reaction out of you.

If he mentions it again, say thanks for the update and leave it be. It's not necessary to respond to messages such as this.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Yup
I agree for Job and Sotto
If he texts I would reply-
I would not call-
text back-A simple Thanks -have fun-or great! thats it-or nothing but nothing still shows your anger towards him

They do and will feel the consequences especially and more so when we take the high road
When we are kind,,they will give more..this is for your kids
Disney dad is the best many of these guys can do
remember he is in a Crises and it is real


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Thank you very much for all your good advice. I just texted back thanking him for letting me know.

Sotto I think you are spot on on having to work on my reactions when I get updates from him. I'm jealous that he does all those things now when he is showing that he could clearly have done them when we were together. Also it also an issue about how I feel about myself as I take it as I have failed to bring the best out of him when we were together but OW seems to be able to do it. I see it as a failure from my part as a wife! Really need to work on this.

Thank you Peacetoday I know you are right that it's a good thing that he does engage more with the kids. I'm not ready yet to see him physically as I know it will upset me, H knows me very well and how to trigger me. So I want to get to a level where I can face him and not show anything. Until then I'll stay dark but will make the effort to go to the door if we need to converse.

Thank you Job for your advice they are always wise hence I'm glad I post here first before I did anything stupid.

Note for self NEVER EVER again let a weekend with kids with no plans as I guess that is what sent me over the edge. In the end went out to a soft play and met another mum there. Had a great time. Now feeling much better.

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You are awesome Rouky! Glad you feel better in the end. This is survival and you fought through every emotion this weekend. Keep forging ahead and keep living for Rouky wink


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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Just journaling. My youngest slightly upset me this morning by blaming me for not letting their dad know about a dress up day at school. She added that her dad told her that it was my fault. So I stayed calm (a 180 for me) and showed both of them when I got the message, when I forwarded to their dad and what was his response and carried on with my daily routine.

Then at the end of the day I went to pick up the kids from their after school club and got asked for ex details because he hadn't paid. I got told by the manager that last week he turned up with the kids without having booked them in. He had the cheek to tell the manager that he thought I had booked them. As it was his week as far I was concerned it was his job to look after them, and everything that goes with having kids. Clearly he is still expecting me to arrange things for the kids while they are in his care. Nope! He has fired me as his wife so I'm not helping him in any form or shape when it comes to the kids during his care. I can see that he is still find things to blame me for. I guess it's a sign that he will never take any responsibility for anything and that he has some anger towards me (ie the blaming game). Gosh that must be so uncomfortable for him to feel anger towards his ex and his wife. OW has gained a hell of a prize.

Other than that back to myself, had a brilliant day and didn't think of ex apart from this morning and this afternoon. Feeling good.

Rouky #2725010 01/10/17 11:58 AM
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The emotional ups and downs are so difficult rouky. I struggle too. I don't want to physically see my ex either.

I am happy for whatever influences my ex to take some interest in my son, but only because I know it benefits my son in some way...regardless of exes motive. At least the kids will have a good memory to look back on.

Children know though. And they will know even more when they are adults. You are a great mom that was there for them, when times were difficult. They will be able to verbalize that when they are older and have more life experiences. And probably show it already in their own little ways.

Life is filled with easy times and difficult times. Your ex seems to leave when times are difficult. Eventually things will get difficult with ex and OW and then it will be OWs turn to complain about things being unfair. By that time you will be in complete peace because you are doing so much to become more positive.

Glad yesterday was a better day for you.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2725076 01/10/17 07:33 PM
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Hi R

The MLCer is a terrible parent for the most part

I totally get that you dont want to help him-

The only thing I would be concerned about are the kids
as long as they are well in his care then great
I think many a MLCer has a bad memory and may not know or remember what to do-

The OW do get a great prize!
Water seeks it own level


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I'm not very familiar with the expression water seeks its own level. What does it mean peacetoday?

Thank you very much for stopping by JuJub and peacetoday. My IC made the same comment about the fact that I should be happy that ex is involved with kids but she pointed out for how long? She made me realised ex has been really looking after kids for the last 6 months (since we both have our own house each), so it is still new/ fun to him. She also said that old habit does hard, and i can see it. I got introduced to SD two months after I moved in with him, he introduced kids to OW two months after having his own place!

To be honest even if it's hard I'm working on cleaning my side of the street, so I can be healthy again. It looks like H hasn't learnt or refused to learn from his two failed relationships!

The session with IC was very upsetting but I felt so much lighter after it. I was keeping everything in and it had to go out!

On the goal front I'm looking into booking a holidays for me and the kids that isn't going back home, so I'm excited about that. I am also considering going part-time with my job. I love it, unfortunately i have only been back for a week and I'm hardly sleeping well. I know it will be a scary step if I take it but I'm talking about my mental health as well as it would allow me to spend more time with my kids and not to rush them so I can do some work in the evening. So this is something that I'm going to explore. I never ever wanted to go part-time but the last two years have taught me that there is more to life than my job!

Rouky #2725255 01/11/17 06:43 PM
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Hi
It means they are at he same level
he is in MLC..he is having an emotional breakdown
she is also sick or in need of a person in crises
they are similar both having issues..they attract each other

I like what you said:
Im working on cleaning my side of the street
That is where is at!

Peace


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Just need some help on how to phrase something. Ex has decided that our kids need to do some martial art to toughen them up. He is happy to pay for the lessons and kit but he is expecting me to drop them every week to this club when it is his time with them. I have no objection on them doing it but I object on having to drive them every week. He is making the commitment to have them doing it, so he should be making the commitment to take them.

So I was thinking to write something like that but I still want him to get few truth darts: Let me know when they will start, I'd be happy to help as much as I can but I would hope that you are not expecting me to drop them every week because of your work commitment like I would not expect you to look after them when I have my work commitment such as parents' evening or open evening.

Any thoughts would be welcome? Reading it back it sounds vindictive but it will cost me petrol to get them there when he only pays the minimum for child maintenance.

Rouky #2725738 01/15/17 07:19 AM
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Okay, so how about...

Hi H, martial arts classes sound like a nice idea for the kids. If you let me know when they are due to start, that would be great. I presume you're happy with getting them there & back, but if I can help with that on occasion, just let me know. I look forward to hearing how it all goes. Best wishes, Rouky.

I think that sounds positive but also lets him know that you are presuming he has all this i hand as he has set things up....XX


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2725741 01/15/17 08:14 AM
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Sotto you are such a gem. Ex texted me that he is expects me to take them as he says he can't because of his work. I really don't know how to phrase it. He gave me two days and I reply that one will be better than the other but I never mentioned at anytime that I will take them.

How do I end up in such awkward situation?

Rouky #2725742 01/15/17 08:16 AM
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He said he can't guarantee to take them there.

Rouky #2725743 01/15/17 08:31 AM
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Rouky,

If he wants to kids to be in this activity, then he will need to figure out how to take them on the days he has them. Let me ask this, what does he do w/the kids when they are w/him? Does he work late or work from home? I wouldn't set myself up to be the taxi for taking the kids all of the time.

If he can't work out the schedule w/you, then the kids don't go to that activity. Why tie up your free time when they are w/him?

Bottom line, he either works out the schedule to ensure that they get there and back on his days of visitation or they don't go.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Okay - so how about..

Hi H, ah I hadn't realised you'd intended I might take them. I'm not going to be able to help on a regular basis on those nights. But I can step in on occasion if you're unavailable. I'll leave you to have a think about whether the class is feasible given your work commitments etc..

Best wishes, Rouky


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Good work Sotto smile

Westo #2725765 01/15/17 11:14 AM
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Sotto,

I like what you wrote. He needs to understand that she's not going to be the taxi for any of these activities that he comes up w/on a routine basis, i.e., that he shares custody, therefore, on the days he has the kids, he's responsible for getting them to and from their activities.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Update to make you laugh. Ex said as he will be working away and it's most likely impossible for him to take kids he thinks that this can be done between us. I don't agree with my kids to learn martial art to defend and attack. I do believe in the philosophy surrounding martial art not in the aggressive side of it. So I texted him that I understand that he has to work away but I don't understand why it is expecting of me to help him out. Gosh got a nasty reply straight away!

This man is unbelievable. He wants to commit the kids to a spry but he is expecting me to help him out when he fired me as a wife. The kids go back from his weekend with him and they didn't even mentionned it!

Rouky #2725787 01/15/17 03:28 PM
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I mean sport and he has to audacity to text back saying that it's for the kids! My kids do an activity every day apart from wh n he has them. If he is putting on me the guilty trip it ain't gonna work as I take kids to their activities and don't ask fi his help. Don't even ask for his help when I have to stay at work late!

Rouky #2725791 01/15/17 04:22 PM
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To reply to your earlier comment Job, in the separation agreement there is a time when ex is supposed to pick the kids up, so far for the last 6 months he hasn't stick to it and I have always accepted his lateness because it wouldn't effect me that much if he was to be late anyway. When he has the kids there is always his sister or OW around or he drops the girls on his next door neighbour.

I'm glad to see that the kids see their family more, that they have made new friends where they live, but it looks like ex is hardly ever on his own when he has them.

Last update. Ex has decided not to take the kids to martial art after I texted him that if he is making the commitment to take them there he has to organise everything. I guess the word commitment scared him. Hahahaha.

I see his point that it might help the kids to be more confident and I will always support such initiative, nevertheless he shouldn't be expecting me to be his taxi driver when he is the one who makes the commitment. He even had a go at me saying that his request isn't about helped him out. If taking kids to a club that hHE has booked on HIS night when he can't take them isn't helping him out, then I don't know what it is.

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Hi Rouky.

It took my ex some time to recognize that I was no longer going to be at her beckon call. I guess she felt that I would continue to do everything when it came to our son as I had always done. Historically she would sign him up for something and it was understood that I would get to everything on time. I was fired from that position by her and she has to work those things out now. Just another way the child gets screwed in all of this but he seems to be ok with it.

Sorry to not have something more positive to say. How about you and I go dancing?


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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I love dancing. Count me in Shotgun :-).

I was talking with a friend and she was saying that my marriage might have failed because I didn't have any demands on H. Ok you might say that she isn't a good friend to say this but it got me thinking. I never stopped ex to go out as I felt that he had a life before me, so me being with him shouldn't put an hold onto it, also I hardly asked ex for help as I could do most things on my own, and I thought if I was to ask for things I would come across as needy and demanding.

So my question is how when you are demanding, isn't it another way of saying that you have expectations from the other person. What's your intake on it?

Rouky #2726052 01/17/17 02:58 PM
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My first thought Rouky is that you should stop shouldering the blame for your husband having had an affair and breaking up his family. All the psycho-babelists will tell you that you weren't fulfilling your husbands needs and I wasn't fulfilling my wife's so they found it in another person. I'm really sorry if I offend a psychologist with this statement but that thinking is total horse $h!t. You didn't say anything about your husband going out because you trusted him and his having an affair never crossed your mind because you would have never had one. And lastly you never asked your ex for help because you loved him and wanted to make his life as pleasant as possible. I don't think it is said often enough that the person who had an affair simply has a lower set of morals than those of us who were left behind. I now thank God that my wife cheated on me because it opened my eyes to the reality of my marriage in that I did everything that mattered and was loyal, caring and nurturing and everything else that women put in their profiles on dating sites getting nothing in return from my wife. The Lord will find something better for both you and I Rouky as we are very good people and we just have to let it happen in His time. Hang in there and get out and do something!

Love you always, Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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Thank you Shotgun for your comforting words, as always you know how to put a smile on my face.

Funny enough I'm happy on my own. I have friends that I text regularly. I go out once a week to the cinema and usually I'm out each weekend when the kids are with their father. One change I have noticed is that I have always hated being in my own company, although this time I like it. I no longer watch tv but prefer to go back to reading books. I'm so much more relax with my kids now, I can't even recognise myself.

Another thing is that my sister said she noticed that I looked happier this Christmas that I have ever been for a long time, even my boss said that to me this morning when I went to ask him to take some time off to see one of my kids to compete in a gymnastics competition.

I think I fell in love with ex because he was charming and I was lonely. Looking back I can say that he brought the worst out of me but on the other hand (I'm not going to thank him though!), he has done me a huge favour because I'd have carried on with my life and avoiding confronting my problems and keep burying my head in the sand. What he did forced me to take a very good look in the mirror and decide to do something about it. No very easy everyday, but I'm not the person I was nearly 2 years ago, and I'm happy with this new version (still work in progress).

Ex texted to tell me that he is considering changing job. Now that's a surprised not as this summer it will be the three year mark for him. Since the moment I got with him he changed jobs every 3 years! I guess old habits die hard, and shows how immature he is if he can't stick to a job more than 3 years! It seems is looking for something. I really wouldn't want to be in his shoes, because at some point he is going to come and crash (he is only 39!) and it will be OW's problem. He can't run indefinitely, can he?

Rouky #2726117 01/18/17 05:39 AM
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Unfortunately Rouky he can run forever. Not surprising that he changes jobs frequently as he changes the women in his life every few years as well. Bottom line is he is unhappy with himself and will likely forever be searching for an answer that lies within himself. Glad to hear that you are getting out. Also glad that you are enjoying your own company. Why would you not like being with a beautiful, intelligent, interesting, loving, wonderful person? Keep up the good work and stand proud!

God Bless, Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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Thank you very much for your kind words Shotgun. I also wondered about your question! I guess ex doesn't see what you see.

We had an issue with elsdest and I had to break my NC rules. We managed to get civil. I passed on information to ex but if I hadn't rung him I'd have never known about the outcome of the situation. When I asked him why he hadn't informed me he got extremely agressive. I had been with ex for 11 years and he never show any sign of agressivity towards me until I kicked him out. I saw him being aggressive towards the mother of his eldest child, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised now as it is how he treats people who are no longer convenient to him. He doesn't like to be challenged! He said I have told you now, and we managed to finish a cordial conversation. Usually I would have carried on challenging him but 180 for me. Though I still sent him a message to thank him for dealing with this issue but sent a truth dart saying that I keep him up to date when there is an issue with kids, so I would appreciate the same courtesy.

Youngest kid told me that she asked when ex was coming back so we could be family. He replied that now where he lives is his house. She also asked him if OW was his girlfriend he said no that she was a friend and that he hasn't got any sleep over at hers! Is he for really, he can't even tell the truth to his own kids about OW being his GF!

It looks like someone who has a lot of anger (I wonder why because my conscience is clear), who can't even take responsibility for his actions but I'm seeing a side of him that I have never seen until then:the lies. Then again he was able to lie to me for two years, now I'm wondering if he was ever truthful in our M.

Another thing that I'm hurting for my kids is that for a year, my kids used to see their step sister once a week but since we each have our own house the girls have only seen her about 4 times. I guess as you said Job a leopard doesn't change his spots, and he wanted to look good to start with but got bored with it. I'm wondering when this will happen with mine.

Rouky #2726598 01/21/17 04:24 AM
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Rouky I know that this is very unfair but your children are reaching a very impressionable age and you have to show them incredible grace and strength. Many children suffer irreparable damage at this point because of the actions of their parents. Through all of this Hell that I have lived over the last few years I have learned that I am a magnet to ladies who lost a father in their pre-teen years or early teens. My ex was one such person. Her emotional development is stunted at the point when her mother left her dad and she will likely never overcome it.

Be strong for your daughters and seek professional help for them and yourself. The person who you share children with is a weak piece of $h!t and they are starting to see it. Be the person in their life who is wise and powerful and able to overcome adversity. As in your marriage all the work is falling on your shoulders but you must persevere for your lovely children.

God Bless you always Rouky and I am here praying for you, Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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Thank you Shotgun for these lovely words.

As a whole my life is good.After a couple of crazy weeks at work, things have started to settle. I had to increase contact with ex as our eldest is having serious issues at school that has lead to ex and I to meet up with her headteacher next week.

In a way i'm dreading it as i will have to sit in the same room as ex ( going dark for the last 4 months has been so beneficial, that i'm scared to be drag down that hole again).

IC is going very well, and it was nice of her to tell me that she sees me glowing and smiling. She added that my glasses are off now, and i can see ex for who he is. I have changed and sadly I can't see ex changing. I'm getting better with my boundaries and ex doesn't like that I stand up to him.

Unfortunately he doesn't like to be challenged when wrong. He told me one thing and 5 minutes later he told me the complete opposite. I calmed down, texted him and made him understand that I knew he had lied and that I would expect from him the same courtesy as I show him when it comes to our kids.

I'm so pleased with myself as I'm consistent with my interactions (or lack as to speak) with ex, but also by the fact that I have grown so much recently that I can't see how I still can save my M. Ex isn't showing any sign of personal growth and to be fair I wouldn't want to be in his skin as there is so much anger. I am way ahead of him, and I can't see him catching up with me. In his eyes I'm still wrong, and I don't want someone like that in my life.Each time an incident with ex occurs, there is another layer coming of me. I said to IC that for the last few years (even before BD) I was wearing the coat of black leaves and that little by little with every incident with ex, one of these leaves is coming off and a ray of sunlight is coming through.

I still have my triggers but instead of them bugging me for days and days, it is only a matter of 30 minutes max. I believe more and more that the issue isn't me but ex.

I'm on my journey, and yes it is extremely hard but my outlook on life has changed so much that I don't want the old Rouky and I certainly couldn't go back to whom i was a couple of years ago. It wasn't me, it should have never been me, and IT WILL NEVER BE ME.

Rouky #2727477 01/27/17 03:53 AM
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I am very impressed with you Rouky. I love it that you are seeing ex for what he is now. He will struggle with your boundaries but they are keeping you safe. Your child having issues at school is a consequence of her issues at home but you can show her that you are strong and let her see your grace coming through. Stay focused on your child when you meet with her teacher and know that all of us here are with you at that moment.

Glad also that you are seeing that the failure in your marriage was your ex's doing. Sure you would do some things differently but you were always dedicated to him. Sadly he was not dedicated to you. Or his family. You can't change that but you have learned so much about yourself and the strength and beauty that lies within you.

Love always, Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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Today I have filed for divorce and I feel so much at peace with myself. I have no anger towards ex as he is who he is.

Why have I done it? When I came here I truly believed that I could save my marriage, made some wrong moves but now I can clearly say that I have given it my best shot. I have grown so much that I'm way ahead of ex and unfortunately I can't see any growth or even lesson learnt on his part. I'm too far ahead for him to catch up with me. Ex is stuck in his anger towards me ( wonder what I did to deserve this! Haha), still stuck in his old ways ( putting himself first) and most importantly he hasn't worked on him. Ex is always blaming others for things that don't go well in his life, and therefore isn't looking at what he might have done for those things to happen.

I have decided to go for adultery but refused to name OW. She might have known all along that he was married or she might have been a victim of his charms I don't know but I have dignity and it is not in my nature to be vengeful. I didn't go after OW when I found out, who do it now? It will appear as petty and as someone who hasn't healed. I don't want to be consumed by hatred and anger. Yes ex has done me wrong big time, and yes it's unfair but I have made peace that sometimes life is unfair.

I want to be happy and feel loved again as I think I have a lot to offer. I'm not filling to find someone else as I don't want at the moment, but I want closure. If I ever come to meet someone again, I want to be able to tell that person that I'm free to love again as ai would be divorced not separated.

I still love ex but not enough to start a new marriage if he was to come back. Trust is completely gone and I wouldn't be able to forgive and forget how I became a divorcee, nor all the agression that ex expressed towards me. He has chosen his journey by forcing me to make decisions for him, and it was hard but at the same time for the last two years I have accomplished things I thought I would never be able to. I'm so strong that I can't believe what I have achieved. Ex is still the same. For example while I was talking to him regarding our eldest being bullied on the phone he carried on cutting tiles meaning I could hardly hear him. This man has no respect for me, why would I want him back?

Yes at times I wanted revenge (and I feel there will still be a part of me which would want it), but I have faith that at some point ex will have to answer to God.

I have made new friends. I have a life that I enjoy (ok still sad times but they are fewer apart), BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY I HAVE CONQUERED DEPRESSION. I love the new me, so much more positive, calm that going back with ex would drag me back in the hole and I'm not prepared to live like that again.

Everyone here who has read, posted on my thread you are incredible, amazing and i wouldn't have found peace without your guidance. Thank you so much for your kindness, your support, your friendship and your honesty.

Rouky #2727881 01/30/17 03:54 PM
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Rouky,

I am sorry it has come to this, but you are the only one who could decide what you wanted to do. You gave it your best shot and you've done all you can do. I think you will find that as you walk your path, you will feel a bit more free and light of heart because you know you've done all you can. I can honestly say that once the divorce papers were signed, I felt a huge weight lifting off my back. I didn't have to wonder and worry about when he would strike next w/something stupid and/or silly and I certainly didn't have to worry about taking on any of his debt if he should over extend himself.

Take it one day at a time and know that we love you and will be here to walk the rest of your journey w/you. No matter what happens, we are here for you....after all, you are family and family sticks together.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Rouky,
I'm proud of you for what you posted. It was eloquently stated and shows someone who made a thoughtful and careful decision. You followed your heart and clearly didn't do this to get a reaction out of your h. You've learned a lot on your journey and I think you can move forward with your head held high. Thats the silver lining to all of this. You've become a more humble, self aware human... While I think the experience is just devastatingly painful... I think our capacity to be more patient and loving grows for having walked the DB path. It will serve you well as you continue moving on.

We're here for you. Wishing you tons of peace.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
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Well I feel that there has been some progress for my kid after my meeting at school, so I'm pleased about that.

Meeting with ex was comical because in front of our kids he didn't acknowledge me, nor did he made any eye contact throughout the time we were together. I looked beautiful and smiled a lot. Him, well he is still slim but has grown a beard (funny because he ate to spend more than two days without shaving), but what surprised me is how old his face looked. He is only 38 but he really looked old. Ok I could say 60 but I would be pushing it too far. Hahaha.

After the meeting I felt sad for about an hour but now I'm fine. There is definitely no physical attraction towards him, still have a soft spot for him but it's more nostalgia than anything else. Ex has made his choice, unfortunately I think he has let slip through his nest a good, kind, caring and loving person. Maybe he will realise, maybe he won't, but I'm in a such a better place than I have been for a long time, and I'm actually looking forward the future. I'm going dark with ex as it's the only way that I feel will help me to detach.

Youngest kid asked me if I love her dad I said yes because I do still love him but I also added that it would be impossible for us to be back together. She was puzzled, so she asked me again if I loved him and I said but as a friend.

Life still goes on for me. Don't know how I'm going to survive this weekend. Have a party at my place on Friday night, out with kids on Saturday all day then having some friends (that I haven't seen for ages as they moved away) for lunch on Sunday. I'm content with my life. No longer scared of being on my own forever as I like my own company and I have amazing friends.

Rouky #2728034 01/31/17 02:42 PM
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Hi Rouky, I'm glad that you have made a decision that you feel at peace with. For me, I didn't choose to file for D, but I certainly found it helped me with closure when the D was finalised. It was freeing no longer to be 'wedded' to that situation and be the wife of someone who was boyfriend to someone else - ugh.

Good luck with things and I wish you well in coming months. From all that you post I do see that you have moved a long way forward.

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Rouky

You sound like you are doing amazing. Not only are you putting closure to an unhealthy relationship with your husband, you have have closed the doors to an unhealthy relationship with yourself.

I look forward to reading about your continued growth and overcoming negativity.

Lots of Hugs

J.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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I've still been reading & I'm sorry I haven't commented lately.
You have done an amazing job of working on you and getting to the point of being happy alone. Congrats on getting to this point. I hope you find a companion that is worthy of the new you to spend time with! You deserve some "icing on your cake".


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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happy for you honey! hard won peace of mind! xoxoxo well done!


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
bttrfly #2728574 02/05/17 12:24 PM
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Rouky I am so proud of you. You have remarkable grace and strength. I feel so lucky to know you and will always draw inspiration from you. Be strong for your kids and carry your head high and they will be fine.

xoxoxoxoxoMark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
shotgun #2728593 02/05/17 03:06 PM
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Thank you very much everyone, I don't think any words would be good enough to express how much I appreciate your support and encouragements.

Life carries on and work is absolutely crazy so I'm looking forward a break soon. I don't know how to explain it but I know I have done the right thing about filing because if I happen to meet someone I wouldn't want that person to deal with it, but at times I feel sad about it all. I have seen my shortcomings in my relationship although deep down at times I'd have like ex to realise his part and work together as a team. I know I feel sad because I'm tired and when it's the case I feeel down and I cry for anything. This shall pass too.

I'm proud of myself and in a way how ex has very recently started to interact with me. Ex has a tendency to do things last minute but this time he gave me notice to swap weekend. Also he is keeping me more up to date with the kids, so I guess he has realised that I have boundaries and that if I have enough notice I would be more than happy to help him out.

So now coming back on swapping weekend, I had planned something but was able to change it. What I'm proud is that I would have gone ballistic that he wanted to swap weekend when he has his kids whereas has no problem to cancel his activities for OW. Most probably I would have written a nasty/ truth darts to him but I didn't as for the first time I didn't see the point of doing it. It would have served me no purpose, I don't want to keep tabs with ex. I don't want to want revenge anymore, maybe OW is going to bring the best out of him.I just want to be happy and still live by my values.

I can't undo the past, I only wish I had learned more about relationship to make it work. The positive side is that I'm now better equipped.

Rouky #2728951 02/07/17 12:40 PM
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Just writing down my thoughts. I have noticed that when I'm really exhausted I seemed to be very on edge and want to cry like today. Nothing happened with ex nor at work but I'm thinking back of what has gone wrong in my relationship. I know that for the last 23 months my life has improved so much and I'm better off without ex, but I still have that feeling of what if? I guess once I'm off I'll be fine.

I keep wondering if life is really unfair and if ex will walk away from what he has done without consequences. If it was to happen I'll be definitely annoyed (the least to say) as I have gone through so much pain that him walking free of anything would be unbearable.

Kids don't tell me what they do with their dad. I don't want to ask and got advice by IC not to ask them anything, but I'm wondering if there was something wrong would they tell me? Both are chatty box and if i want the know something I have to ask them. Is it normal?

At times I feel like I have failed my family, my marriage, my kids and my ex. Colleagues and friends keep asking me when I'm going to go out there and meet someone. I go out and have GAL even if it's only reading a book at home in the evening, but I doh understand the urge to ask me to be with someone. I'm not ready the slightest and I'm still married. Sorry if I'm old tradition but I have my values.

Is anyone having doubts even after a two years separation? I keep wondering if I did the right thing two years ago. Ex appears to be happy, so how could he be after what he did? I guess God has his mysterious ways.

Rouky #2729202 02/08/17 03:26 PM
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Bonjour Rouky! Sometimes when I am a little sad I look at your thread and it always makes me feel better. You are amazing and an inspiration. God does have his ways and we must be prepared to accept things on his timeline. In the meantime we just keep moving forward and working on ourselves. Did you do the right thing two years ago? Of course you did. You did what you had to do to survive an affair by your husband. You are surviving. The next step is to thrive. Your husband made decisions for the whole family and everyone is trying to live with it. As for meeting someone new, you will know when the time/person is right. I do respect that you aren't comfortable dating while still married. It bothers me to. As stated previously I have learned that decent people don't want to get involved with a married person. And that is how it should be. Keep trying new things and try to get out socially once in a while. Hopefully any new relationship will start out as friends anyway.

Friends always, Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
shotgun #2729730 02/12/17 09:55 AM
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Rouky

Just want to let you know I relate to all your posts. It's been almost 2 years for me as well. And like you, I still go through the ups and downs.

I really don't feel like you failed your family. You always wanted to fix your marriage and you were willing to forgive and move past a lot more then most. You had flaws like every single person does. It really comes down to the fact that your husband just can't deal with real life conflict that comes up in every single marriage. None of us are perfect. And we have to accept that not being perfect should never cause our spouse to walkaway.

I don't know what makes some people committed and some people capable of walking away. But that's really what it seems to be. Level of committment. Because marriage is hard and we all fail.

I actually tried a relationship and while it ended amicably, I was not in a good position to date. I was so insecure about my own failings in my marriage, I think I overlooked certain things that I never ordinarily would have. I wanted to please and be agreeable like during bomb drop and then just never really spoke out. The old me would have been a bit more confident. I also was under stress with son and divorce and realized I just did not have the bandwidth. And yeah, there is the question of what type of person would date someone not divorced. Although in my case I think it was someone that was just really inexperienced with relationships (decent but not necessarily good to lack that relationship insight either)

I have to say, I do look forward to dating and meeting new people but maybe not till I take care of other aspects of my life....divorce, and sons services.

I like shotguns advice...socialize and work on friendships first.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2729859 02/13/17 10:22 AM
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Thank you for your lovely posts Shotgun and JujuB.

My life is still going ahead with everyday activities, but I have put on hold my social life as I'm very tired mentally. Work has been very stressful, so much that I have made aware my boss that I'm considering going part time. Now that is a 180 for me as I have always been brought up with s*#k it up and carry on. Going to last time would mean a loss financially but also a gain to do other things. My ex used to tell me that I was always thinking about the future and now by thinking of going part time I no longer think will i be able to cope financially? What about my retirement fund? I'm no longer worried about that. I no longer live in the future but in the present. Will I go part time? I give myself a couple of months to sleep on it. Another 180 as usually for me it has to be done here and there.

I still have days of ups and downs but I truly believe that I'm past the anger/ unfairness stage of my story. Well there are some days I still wish for revenge! We are only human after all!

My next step is working on deep healing and self-esteem/ confidence. This one is a tuff cookie to crack because I have lived with it for 41 years, and as one said old habits die hard. I'm doing a lot of reading on healing after an affair and all that comes out is to show compassion and understanding towards the unfaithful partner. This is where I'm struggling a lot. I can now clearly see my responsibility in the failure of my marriage, but isn't it too much asking to feel compassion for the unfaithful?. I now see why my ex must have felt unloved ( yes I was distant but also now I was deeply depressed), unwanted ( as he was working 7 days a week I learnt to deal with things on my own so I thought that when he'd come home it would be another worry less to think about!).

According to few articles compassion will accelerate healing, I understand why it might help but like ex I had past issues (now being dealt with one by one) but I didn't chose to cheat. The fact that ex never expressed remorse (even genuine one) doesn't help with me feeling compassionate.

Was reading another article about some separated parents getting presents for exes for Xmas, birthday and father/ mothers'day (which I do for the kids) and I guess I'm grateful that he does the same as his ex never got anything from him. The article was also underlining how important it is to be friendly with ex. Now I'm not too sure about this one as if we had separated amicably it wouldn't been a problem, but the separation was imposed to me by ex. When it comes to the kids we do communicate and show a united front but in all fairness if we didn't have kids together I'd not be in his life. Friends don't treat each other by betraying them. Am I wrong not to be friends with him? As far as I'm concerned he is my kids' father and I don't wish to be his friend as you don't treat friends like he did.

Rouky #2729926 02/13/17 04:31 PM
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Wow tomorrow Valentines Day is the day 2 years ago I found out about my ex's affair. How time flies!

How I feel about it? Well a tiny punch in the heart but not really hurting. I have grown so much and learnt so much about relationship that I'm definitely a different person from last year and on DD the year before. I have gained so much knowledge that I'm eager to learn even more.

Just to finish in a funny note. This happened today.
My kids: " Mummy can we buy you something for Valentines Day with your money but don't eat all of the chocolates! " I struggled to keep a straight face. Love those kids to bits.

Rouky #2729990 02/14/17 08:20 AM
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Happy Valentines Day

Im not too sad. I will do something special for my son after school for Valentines Day.

I think that when couples separate in a way that is respectful and decent and mutual, friendship becomes easy. I do not foresee being friends with my ex either. He treated me worse then an enemy would. But I do still love him.

A therapist I occasionally talk to went through hell with her husband. He left her, was having an affair. He hid a lot of money from her and court was very favorable to her. She said it was a huge battle. She had a son with epilepsy.

She said that years later they ended up being friends again. She said they became very good friends to the point where they would hang out as couples. Each with their own respective gf/bf. Sadly, he died young in a MVA and she said it was really hard for her to get through that.

Right now, I honestly cant foresee this for my future. Maybe if i was really happy and satisfied with my new life then I could be happy for him and his new life and friendship could come from that. Thats the only way I would be able to fathom a friendship. It would be hard to forgive unless I was healed and whole though.

Its crazy though, because I hate my ex and often want him to suffer. But at the same time, I do not want anything bad for him and I feel bad when I sense that he is down or suffering. I would feel a huge loss if he died.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2730045 02/14/17 11:59 AM
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Hi Rouky and JujuB!

I hope you don't mind if I jump into the conversation. I have been wondering the same things as well.

After all H has done to me and his lack of remorse, I find it really really hard to imagine a scenario where I would want to exchange gifts with him or spend time with him. If a friend treated me this way, I would write them off. The only way back into my life would be with a very sincere apology and a lot of work. I don't see H doing either.

The desire for retaliation/retribution is strong at times. Sometimes I can put it in God's hands and backoff. Other times, I want so badly to be the one to lay it on him; especially so I can see him squirm. Not very DB, I know.

I guess I have more work to do in processing all of this. So it's back to the drawing board . . .

Thanks for letting me chime in.

FightOn #2730097 02/14/17 02:55 PM
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Welcome on board FightOn, the more the merrier.

I understand so much how you feel. I don't think I can be friends with ex if I don't get a sincere apologise, and this will never happen. On a positive note kids told me today that they like staying with me and that their dad is a boring dad. Basically each time he comes to see them for his hour visit he takes them grocery shopping! Maybe taking them to see their aunties or grandad could be better but not my problem anymore.

Another good notes both of my kids have super cuddly lately and I have enjoyed every minute of it.

Rouky #2731073 02/21/17 02:34 PM
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Just reporting.

Solicitor sent the papers to ex two weeks ago but he still hasn't replied nor mentionned anything to me, then today solicitor told me they lost my original wedding certificate! Interesting as ex has the other one, so solicitor is asking him to forward it! Not surprised by ex lack of reaction as he has always been like that.

GAL is good as I have been out a couple of times literally 30 minutes after getting a text to go out. IC sessions are still going well and IC thinks I look healthier and in a so much better place than last time she saw me (a month ago)! 3 cheers for me.

Spoke to SD to tell her about filing, and I was feeling sad for her as she has hardly any contact with her dad now. He moans at her that she doesn't text him but he doesn't text her either. Ex promised her to buy her a second hand car and guess what I never happened. Ex refused to help her to pay for her driving lessons but ex told her that he is saving to build a jacuzzi in his garden!

He is no longer the man I fell in love with and obviously his priorities aren't the same as a normal human being, although each time I have asked for money I get it (but I know it's guilt). Ex's mum had gambling issues, and I think ex has the same as he can't save any money! I guess he is living his life how he wants but to be honest I'd rather be in my situation than his. I think he is also milking OW like he did with me, she really has won a price.

And me I'm happy. Days without thinking about ex constantly are becoming mor and more frequent. I see life in a whole new light and I love it. People are pushing me to date and I'm like: " why is it a requirement to be with someone to be happy?". I'm rediscovering me, no I'm finally accepting who I was always was instead of changing myself to please others. BD was the worst experience of my life but also a life saving one as I would have never appreciated what life is about. I was married to an emotional vampire who stole of my energy, joie de vivre and who will be doing the same to OW, now I have cut the cord I'm free.

JujuB #2731617 02/23/17 04:45 PM
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Originally Posted By: JujuB


I really don't feel like you failed your family. You always wanted to fix your marriage and you were willing to forgive and move past a lot more then most. You had flaws like every single person does. It really comes down to the fact that your husband just can't deal with real life conflict that comes up in every single marriage. None of us are perfect. And we have to accept that not being perfect should never cause our spouse to walkaway.

I don't know what makes some people committed and some people capable of walking away. But that's really what it seems to be. Level of committment. Because marriage is hard and we all fail.


I've been having this same conversation with myself lately. You summed it up perfectly for me. Thanks!


M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6
11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA
Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing
1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break
2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing
2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
Rouky #2731619 02/23/17 05:11 PM
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Originally Posted By: Rouky
The fact that ex never expressed remorse (even genuine one) doesn't help with me feeling compassionate.


Im only 3 months into this horrible journey and my wife clearly articulates that she feels guilty but has no remorse about the affair or about not trying to fix our marriage. The lack of remourse is painful.

Originally Posted By: Rouky
... if we had separated amicably it wouldn't been a problem, but the separation was imposed to me by ex. When it comes to the kids we do communicate and show a united front but in all fairness if we didn't have kids together I'd not be in his life. Friends don't treat each other by betraying them. Am I wrong not to be friends with him? As far as I'm concerned he is my kids' father and I don't wish to be his friend as you don't treat friends like he did.


I'm having a tough time on this one too - friends dont treat people like my wife has treated me since BD #1.


M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6
11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA
Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing
1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break
2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing
2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
Rouky #2731794 02/24/17 07:40 PM
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Hey Rouky!

So happy to see you this strong. You are seeing things much more clearly and that is a good thing. Happy to hear that you are GAL and no you do not have to date anyone. There is always pressure to be seeing someone but I like you am in no hurry. I do talk to girls and occasionally hang out with someone in a completely casual setting but one thing is certain; The next Mrs. Shotgun will have a heart of gold and a #@^& made of creamed corn!

Love Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
shotgun #2732331 02/28/17 03:49 PM
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I sound like the perfect description of the next Mrs Shotgun. Hahaha.

Life is good for me, busy with work and kids. I have more ups then down but at times it is a bit of a struggle to keep my head above water. My kids are having more and more regular contact with OW and they seem to like her. It hurts they like her but on the other hand (180 for me) she is being good with them, so I guess the positive is that she might be a good stepmother to my kids (at least better than I was with my SD!).

Other than that just reporting, first meeting with ex since I filed. We were out for the kids' parents/ teachers meeting. Ex didn't acknowledge me, so I just said hello and ask how he was. I didn't get an answer but wasn't expecting one. I just wanted to show my girls that even if I hardly have any contact with their dad, when I do I behave cordially and politely. I nearly burst out laughing because as soon as we saw our kids' teachers ex moved his chair far away as possible from me. Was he expecting me to jump on him? Or was it that he was uncomfortable as I really looked nice ( nice make up,perfume and a lovely dress). The funny thing is that I wasn't expecting him to turn up so I'd dressed up normally.

Once more no eye contact with ex but I did notice that he looked older and he didn't appear that happy. I guess he could have had a bad day at work. The only thing I can honestly tell you is that if ex was to come back I'd not take him back. I can't explain why but it's coming from my gut feelings. I guess there has been too much hurt for me to turn a blind eye (which I wouldn't anyway).

In 20 days it will be my two years separation date, not feeling to
sad about it (I guess there will be an odd feeling somehow), but my life has never been this good. I'm nearly there with my fight against depression. I'm more positive and feel better about my physical appearance. Most of all I have started to love myself, and this is the best gain out of this situation. Shame that ex isn't part of it but if he didn't do what he did I'd have never ever done the work I'm doing now. I'm not saying that I condone what he did but if it hadn't happened I'd have not work on myself to be a better me.

Rouky #2732356 03/01/17 12:32 AM
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Rouky you are doing so well. Very proud of you for showing up at the conference looking and smelling all sexy! It is a positive if whoever your ex ends up with that the kids get along with her. If he isn't looking at you he is probably angry but hey that's his problem. Keep looking hot whenever you go out and one of these days our paths will cross and I will sweep you off of your feet. Keep up the good work, Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
shotgun #2732464 03/01/17 04:01 PM
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I really love when English speaking people use the phrase sweep you of your feet as if I translate it words by words in my mother tongue the outcome just makes me giggles!

After a kind of a rough night after seeing ex, I'm back to my old self and that is good. Last night I was thinking that I fell in love with ex because his eyes were so blue and nearly see through, well last night they were dark blue. Never seen his eyes like that before.

GAL is looking good out twice this week and just booked a holiday on the spur of the moment with a friend. So yes life after BD does get better.

Rouky #2732495 03/02/17 12:14 AM
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Rouky- glad you were able to bounce back quickly after seeing your ex. On your earlier post, you mentioned he looked older and not that happy. I bet he's not happy. I felt the same way about my ex too the last time I saw him 4 months ago. I think my mouth opened and I gasped because he aged like 15 years. Definitely did not look happy at all.

I make the assumption it's partially because they don't do the intense work that we do. They thought they could find happiness elsewhere and yet.... They brought their same issues to their new situation. Nothing is going to help them, until they can do some 180s within themselves. It's a shame really. I feel like we have the secret sauce and were more than willing to help our ex's with it, but...... Well, ya know. Their loss, right?

I'm glad you have some nice GAL activities planned. Kudos to you for booking a last minute holiday! Sounds exciting!


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Pax_luv #2732719 03/03/17 04:38 PM
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Feeling sad and crying a lot. Got a phone call from solicitor ex is accepting the ground of divorce, then he tried to contest over payment but as accepted to pay for it. I guess it is his way to say sorry and it should bring me closure but it doesn't.

What can't he see what he has lost? Why do him and OW deserve to be happy? It feels like life is good for them! He is also going away with kids on Mother's Day! Ok it is his weekend with them but for the last two years I always had them on this day like when it's my weekend but it's father day I let him have them. Also he is off on holidays with OW! And yes am cheesed off as we couldn't go away that much because we didn't have much money but now that he is single he has more money. Not fair: what has she got that I don't have?

Sorry but I wanted to let the steam out. On the other hand NASA stressful week but all worked out in the end, and my two nights out were very good.

Rouky #2732818 03/05/17 08:46 AM
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Hi Rouky!

Awesome that you were out two nights last week! Also proud of you for booking the holiday. I have gotten a little lazy about GAL but I am enjoying working in my shop these days. My therapist worked with me for a time trying to figure out why I had stopped doing my art but we kind of strayed away from that work. Just needed time to heal emotionally I suspect.

What has OW got that you do not? A substandard set of morals that allows her to get involved with a married man. I am telling you that the decent women are very reluctant to get involved with me because I am only legally separated. The tramps are glad to but I will not settle for that. Your ex will.

Keep moving forward and hold your head high Rouky. Also don't hold your husband having blue eyes against the rest of us who do too. There is nothing dark about mine as they are very bright and wide open! Your eyes are wide open as well and believe what they see. They are the pathway to your soul and you must trust them.

God Bless you always, Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
shotgun #2732824 03/05/17 09:55 AM
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Hi Rouky, I hope you're having a better day today and Shotgun is spot on with his posting to you about OW. I recall reading once that OW is nothing to you and has nothing on you. She is his problem not yours...it has helped me to think that way anyway...

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Thank you very much Shotgun and Sotto for your reply. Unfortunately I'm still struggling and really looking forward to speak to IC. I'm jealous of OW because I work so hard to build what I had with ex, and now she is reaping all of my hard work. I was looking forward to have nice holidays with ex but they are both on holidays now! I stayed up until late doing the house up with ex after a full day at work, and looking after our children.

OW has done none of this, she is enjoying her life (who buy the way has improved since being with ex) with my hard work and I'm seriously cheesed off! I gave that man everything, put up with his antics because I believed that our future would be better once we would be mortgage free! Instead he is doing all what we had planned to do but with her!

Can someone tell me why I'm feeling like this. My head is well screwed on and I know that I couldn't trust him even if he was coming back (which I don't) but my heart is not accepting it. I know they are both better suited because they are very similar but I can't get my head round that apart from being depressed I gave him everything and I know I have a lot more to offer him than she does. So why did he chose her over me?

Rouky #2732981 03/06/17 03:24 PM
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Rouky,

It sounds like your head and heart are spinning with all of these negative thoughts and questions. We all go through these periods. In addition to speaking to your IC, do you have activities that you can do by yourself or with others that will give you relief? Here's what works for me: prayer, meditation, venting with a couple of my really close buddies. Take care of yourself, accept that you feel terrible right now (and vent), but also that feelings are temporary, and believe that you will get through it.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie #2733004 03/06/17 07:01 PM
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Hey Rouky.

I still have those moments of depression but they are now very few and far between. When it hits I just do whatever I have to do to survive. Sometimes I just curl up on the couch and watch tv or sleep a little. Thank God it no longer happens every day and in fact I have only had one such day in the last several months. We have to forgive ourselves when this happens and get back on track as quickly as possible.

You are beautiful and you will survive this. Something much better is coming your way. Whatever your ex has with his ow is their problem. You don't have to put up with his $h!t any more thank God.

Love always, Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Rouky #2733062 03/07/17 08:45 AM
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Please. Do not be jealous of OW. She is not getting a prize. Would you ever go for a man that cheated on all of his wives? I would stay away from a man like that with a 10 foot pole. She has much suffering ahead. She has not invested very wisely in a partner. It will be worse for her because when he does the Same to her, she will be older. She will not have any settlements to protect her either because they have not been married.

They might be having some fun out right now, but you can be too. And you need to! But you have to make that fun. I remember reading Monas posts. She made a point of going out and making her own fun and staying positive.

We get a choice in our lives. To look on our days with excitement and positivity and happiness, or to look upon them with remorse and doom and negativity.

You and I both need to face each day with smiles and positivity.

Lots of love rouky!


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2733670 03/10/17 07:21 PM
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Hey JujuB maybe Rouky would touch her ex with a ten foot pole. Repeatedly until he is unconscious.

Hi Rouky!


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
shotgun #2733680 03/11/17 03:49 AM
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It won't take several attempt Shotgun. One hit is all I need :-).

I have noticed that things seem to come and go in phases. I remember Job saying that a leopard rarely changes his spots and I have to admit that it's true.

Ex went away abroad with OW (which is his right) but to do so he used holidays time (which he is also entitled too). I understand that ex needs time with OW if they are to carry on as a couple but what I don't get it is that he is depriving our kids from quality time with him. So basically when our kids will be with ex for their holidays with him, my kids will be looked after by someone else because ex will have used all his holidays with OW! Even my kids are treated better than my SD, ex still puts his needs first above his family. Now understand that at times you need to be selfish but when it comes to young kids, they should always be your priority. So no change here from ex.

Then ex decided that he wanted to talk to me. So I listened, and he kind of half apologised for taking the kids away on Mother's Day saying that he hasn't done it maliciously but he hasn't got any mother and it was booked a long time ago. I only told him that I just pointed out the day to him, but I didn't go into a rant about it. I said that I knew it was a birthday present for our eldest, so I understood that he couldn't do otherwise. I think ex was looking for a confrontation as he was very angry but I didn't give him the satisfaction ( one 180 for me!). Also ex never did anything for i on
Mothers day anyway, so no change.

Then ex proceeded by telling me that he was having a lot of problems with SD and her mum. He also said that he knows that SD got invited to youngest child birthday party. I said yes she was and that SD is also invited to eldest party because my eldest wanted her sister there. I said to ex that SD is our kids' sister and if our kids want her there she will be.

Ex said he understood but then he really became agitated and agressive (not physically) and without such words asked me for his help. Basically next time I see SD he doesn't want me to add more fuel on the fire. In short SD asked ex to help to pay for driving lessons (the deal was he buys SD a car and her mum pays for the lessons but ex never bought the car), but ex refused to pay for them saying he hasn't got any money, and still find some money to go abroad with OW and our kids for their birthdays! . Then ex went on about saying that SD asked for an expensive present for Xmas (he bought it), that SD has been rude to him as she noticed that he was treating our kids better than she ever was (which is true).

At that point ex was very angry and saying that his daughter is going to get it, that he will show her all the texts her mum sent her and SD will realise that if he doesn't have a relationship with her it's because of her mum. So ex asked me not to get involved in it! WTF! I told him that after being 11 years with me he should know better as I have never ever interferred in his relationship with his eldest daughter, that I'm not like his ex and that when I'm with SD our discussion doesn't evolve around him!

Another 180 from me as I refrained myself from texting him and trying to sort it out for him. Ex has always had that this expectation that if he gets into a mess his loved one (mum, sisters or me would) sort it out for him. Not this time! I just wanted to text him saying that you agreed to buy a car but don't deliver, and you say you can't pay for driving lessons but you can afford to go on holidays abroad with OW! But I didn't. I feel sad for SD because he clearly hasn't put his finances in order but furthermore it is sending SD a message that she isn't important because he prefers spend money on OW instead of helping his daughter to be more independent.

What strucks me was how much anger he has in him! He is the one who left SD 17 years ago but he is still very angry! Ex doesn't like to be challenged because he believes he is always right! He wants to show SD how bad her mum is, and fact he is going to make himself look even worse. SD's mum has raised her on her own, without financial help from him so no matter what he is going to say he won't be able to portrait her mum as a baddy! It will be him. And also he found time to spend time with OW while being with me so if he really wanted to spend time with his daughter he would have found as when you want something you always find a way to get it.

So clearly ex has still got his old habits: only wanting to spend money on him and OW (not his kids), being financially unstable, being true to himself, not taking any responsibility and finally still a lot of anger! Wow I wouldn't want to be in his shoes and I certainly wouldn't want to be involved with someone who behaves like towards his exes (no respect for women), and his children as it is a big telling about who he is really as for OW she certainly has gained a price!

Sorry for the long post.

Rouky #2733681 03/11/17 03:59 AM
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Just forgot to add that I thought I wasn't behaving with dignity but after all I am and ex and OW can't take that away from me. I truly believe that I will come out of it a better woman (am already are) and ex will not learn anything from his experiences as I can see him being the same. I really know who he is, OW has the charming version for now. Good luck to her.

Rouky #2733710 03/11/17 12:32 PM
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Rouky, you made me laugh with your 'one hit is all I need' comment!

Wow, your ex's life sounds a little complicated doesn't it? It does remind me of the saying - as you sew, so shall you reap. He has burned his way through two marriages, had children with each wife - was unfaithful - and now his life is rather fraught and his interactions with those present and former nearest and dearest are stressful. Sounds as though he's still seeing that as everyone else's fault - SD being difficult, ex is horrible and so on...all them and not me..

I think you are right to gracefully step out of the firing line here. If he's looking for someone to blame, no need to be a target for that.

I understand what you are saying about your SD. I feel the same way about my SS, who used to live with us every weekend and we did a lot of family stuff. SS told my good friend that he doesn't see that much of his Dad now as he doesn't feel welcome with OW there. I don't really understand that and I feel for SS who says - well, my Dad's an idiot, but he is my Dad and I love him....But I think it is just where the MLCer is at - me, me, me...and some more Me...

Take care Rouky and don't worry about what he's doing. If he wants to take OW away and lose out on quality time with his kids, that is truly his loss...

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2733741 03/11/17 05:40 PM
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Wow Rouky that is one screwed up man you were married to. You were a saint for trying to hold everything together in that situation. I suppose MWD would say that he is angry that things haven't turned out as expected in his new relationship. But who cares? It's his misery and hers. You really are the stable one in your picture. Since I am involved in my second divorce with a cheating spouse, I am starting to notice a pattern. The WAS appears to want to walk away at least partially from the children as well. I have learned that it is good strategy and important to the children to require that WAW remain committed to them and meet their obligations regarding parenting time and financial support. My ex complains bitterly of having to pay support but also commit more time to S than I do in spite of the fact that she moved 15 miles away and demanded that he go to school in her town. As I am sure you have discovered, it is the quality of our time together that really matters.

I hope you are having a great weekend Rouky, Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
shotgun #2734955 03/19/17 11:09 AM
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Just jotting down thoughts. Tomorrow will be my two years anniversary when I kicked ex out. Funny enough I'm very peaceful about it.

I have grown so much and become such a better person that this date will not affect me. When I started to date ex I was very naive about relationship (I had this Disney ideal in my head), not anymore. At times I wished I had learnt about relationship earlier and maybe I could have saved my M, but most often I'm glad it happened as it pushed me to face my fears (ok not that n a nice way).

When I met ex I was desperate to be with someone and to be loved by someone and I thought that love (Disney fantasy) would conquer it all. Now I know better as relationship requires work.

I'm breaking the cycle of feeling unloved with my kids. I give them hugs (which I never got as a child), I tell them I love them (which again was never told), and I don't use put down names (which I would/ still get now). At times I'm really struggling because this is all I know but I'm aware that I'm breaking a cycle and each day I get better.

I'm proud of myself as now I appreciate life (practising being grateful is one thing I really love doing), I have understood a lot about myself and I'm rectifying or accepting more my flaws. I'm more compassionate and I do things without expecting anything in return ( I'd do it but would still feel upset if there wasn't a return). I have also learnt that most of my issues are way back in my childhood and how my parents transferred their knowledge on me. I don't blame them because they didn't know better and all this kind of soul searching is alien to them.

Whereas on the other hand I have the knowledge and I'm changing the course of my life. It isn't easy every day but each and every of them I'm getting better. I know I'm an awesome lady and ex has lost a diamond, but if he hadn't done what he did I would have never embark on this journey.

On D front, solicitor admitted losing my wedding certificate and despite several texts to ex to forward his copy to solicitor he hasn't done it. Well I'm no longer second guessing why he won't do it and what his reasons are. I'm sad that it has to come to this and that I will still have feelings for ex, but unfortunately there is no longer a future for us. I'm too far ahead of him now and I don't see any changes from his part (still blaming people for his problems).

On this note when ex comes to pick up kids he doesn't sound all that happy and cheerful. Today he was supposed to pick kids up for karate but as it was getting closer to the beginning of the lesson and he wasn't there I assumed they weren't going so I started to bake with them. Ex turned up 40 minutes later and kids said they didn't want to go with him. Usually ex would kick a fuss because it would have cost him money but not this time. As I would have friend I texting him to say sorry the he had to come all this way for nothing and within 20 seconds he replied. Now that is very unusual because he never replies to my texts when it is for something like that thank he would consider as trivial. Y

I don't know what is happening with him but with today a last week chat, this is very out of character for him! I'm not reading into it as I now for real feel that I have dropped the rope. It has three days that I didn't think about ex and I feel so much uplifted.

I'm not dating, nor am I looking for anyone. I GAL but as much as I'd like but shout to get me out of the house regularly. I'm at peace with the feeling that I could be single for the rest of my life but most importantly I'm loving myself more and more each day and my fears are gradually being taken care of.

I came here to save my marriage but I saved me. If ex hadn't cheated on me I'd have never dealt with my low self-esteem, feeling unlovable and mostly my depression. I'm not saying thank you for what he did but one way or another I would have had to deal with my demons and i guess the betrayal was the only way to force me to look deep into me and change the course of my life.

Rouky #2734957 03/19/17 11:26 AM
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Sad that ex couldn't see my worth, but how could he possibly have done as wasn't seeing it myself!

shotgun #2734977 03/19/17 03:52 PM
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Originally Posted By: shotgun
Wow Rouky that is one screwed up man you were married to. You were a saint for trying to hold everything together in that situation. I suppose MWD would say that he is angry that things haven't turned out as expected in his new relationship. But who cares? It's his misery and hers. You really are the stable one in your picture. Since I am involved in my second divorce with a cheating spouse, I am starting to notice a pattern. The WAS appears to want to walk away at least partially from the children as well. I have learned that it is good strategy and important to the children to require that WAW remain committed to them and meet their obligations regarding parenting time and financial support. My ex complains bitterly of having to pay support but also commit more time to S than I do in spite of the fact that she moved 15 miles away and demanded that he go to school in her town. As I am sure you have discovered, it is the quality of our time together that really matters.

I hope you are having a great weekend Rouky, Mark


Agreed 100%

And really disturbing that many walkaways are capable of walking away from the kids. (More so when it's mom shotgun) that's the thing I just can't fathom.

Any insight about this ?

Any insight on what works to help the kids with this? I think we should have an additional section on the children, like we do for surviving divorce or midlife crisis.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Rouky #2734978 03/19/17 04:00 PM
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Rouky,

You and I put ourselves down a lot regarding how we acted in our relationships. But there is a certain dynamic to our relationships that cause actions and reactions. Don't be hard on yourself. I really get the idea that your ex would be like this with any one.

Also, one of the worst things to read about on these forums is when people reconciled with their spouses, only to have to go through betrayal twice. Ugh. It's heart breaking and doesn't ever seem to get easier. Sometimes I think it's a blessing in disguise when they don't come back.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2735054 03/20/17 07:53 AM
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Hi

The best thing to do for the kids is just be there for them

Listen to them
give them encouragement and lots of positive affirmations
dont talk negative about the MLCer
work your pain out in therapy
dont bring it up to them
let them know you are okay and you can handle it

This is what I found to work best
My kids are fine today even without any contact from their dad
They continue to do well in school and college and make great choices


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Rouky #2735167 03/20/17 04:33 PM
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Hey Rouky I learned something else about you when you spoke of your parents and your childhood. I'm very proud of you for breaking the cycle by making sure that your children feel loved. I have a very similar story about my childhood and I have dedicated my parenthood to making sure that a cycle is broken with my children. More food for thought I guess........


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
JujuB #2735805 03/23/17 06:30 PM
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Great idea JujuB. A section about children who suffer so mercilessly through all of this. My ex definitely walked away from our son. I think they are in a better spot now thankfully. His grades are good and that is a very important indicator. I let him decide when he wants to be with me and it has seemed to empower him. He starts drivers ed Monday and soon he will drive wherever he wants to. He is a low key kid and has a strong survival instinct so I don't worry too much about it. Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
shotgun #2736065 03/26/17 02:19 AM
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Just quick update. Week been tougher than I thought with the anniversary. I really struggled everyday.

Still got some GAL in as going to the pictures and dancing. Had a great time dancing yesterday.

Today is Mothers Day in the U.K. Ex has taken kids to a theme park on that weekend and it's midday and I still haven't heard from my kids. Actions speak louder than words. Very tempted to send ex a text but it won't achieve anything and it will show him that his actions still wind me up, so I'm not going to give him this pleasure (180 for me)!

So instead I'm off for a walk in the forest and some cake afterwards. Got to enjoy the sunshine.

So to all my friends here : Happy Mothers Day xx

Rouky #2736074 03/26/17 05:16 AM
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Happy Mothers Day Rouky!


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
shotgun #2736078 03/26/17 07:52 AM
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Happy Mother's Day to you (and to everyone else in the U.K.)!

Nice work on the 180, sorry you have to do it though. Maybe you can make an agreement down the road so it doesn't happen again. My decree agrees to w and I getting the kids for Mother's Day and Father's Day.

Kyh #2736084 03/26/17 08:17 AM
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Happy Mother's Day!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Happy Mother's Day!

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Thank you so much everyone. Glad to see the back of this week.

Had a huge breakdown so called a friend to the rescue as I was in flood of tears. I didn't hear from my kids all day. Ex brought them back 2h before their bedtime! My friend told me to treat today as any other day and that's only commercial. She also added that because of how my MIL died could be the reason why ex behabed this way. I understand how hard it must be for him as it wasn't a natural death, although all I wanted was a phone call that never came.

I don't understand myself as far the last two years I have been able to deal with important dates without too much drama whereas this year honestly I'm all over the shop. I know I'm stronger than two/ a year ago so why now. I'm getting recurring dreams of ex and it worries me as a) I can remember them, b) they feel so really like if they were in flesh in front of me him and her.

At least he had the decency to only go away with our two kids and not involved OW with them.

Rouky #2736188 03/27/17 04:30 AM
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Thinking of you Rouky. Have a great week! Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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