It sounds like your head and heart are spinning with all of these negative thoughts and questions. We all go through these periods. In addition to speaking to your IC, do you have activities that you can do by yourself or with others that will give you relief? Here's what works for me: prayer, meditation, venting with a couple of my really close buddies. Take care of yourself, accept that you feel terrible right now (and vent), but also that feelings are temporary, and believe that you will get through it.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I still have those moments of depression but they are now very few and far between. When it hits I just do whatever I have to do to survive. Sometimes I just curl up on the couch and watch tv or sleep a little. Thank God it no longer happens every day and in fact I have only had one such day in the last several months. We have to forgive ourselves when this happens and get back on track as quickly as possible.
You are beautiful and you will survive this. Something much better is coming your way. Whatever your ex has with his ow is their problem. You don't have to put up with his $h!t any more thank God.
Love always, Mark
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Please. Do not be jealous of OW. She is not getting a prize. Would you ever go for a man that cheated on all of his wives? I would stay away from a man like that with a 10 foot pole. She has much suffering ahead. She has not invested very wisely in a partner. It will be worse for her because when he does the Same to her, she will be older. She will not have any settlements to protect her either because they have not been married.
They might be having some fun out right now, but you can be too. And you need to! But you have to make that fun. I remember reading Monas posts. She made a point of going out and making her own fun and staying positive.
We get a choice in our lives. To look on our days with excitement and positivity and happiness, or to look upon them with remorse and doom and negativity.
You and I both need to face each day with smiles and positivity.
It won't take several attempt Shotgun. One hit is all I need :-).
I have noticed that things seem to come and go in phases. I remember Job saying that a leopard rarely changes his spots and I have to admit that it's true.
Ex went away abroad with OW (which is his right) but to do so he used holidays time (which he is also entitled too). I understand that ex needs time with OW if they are to carry on as a couple but what I don't get it is that he is depriving our kids from quality time with him. So basically when our kids will be with ex for their holidays with him, my kids will be looked after by someone else because ex will have used all his holidays with OW! Even my kids are treated better than my SD, ex still puts his needs first above his family. Now understand that at times you need to be selfish but when it comes to young kids, they should always be your priority. So no change here from ex.
Then ex decided that he wanted to talk to me. So I listened, and he kind of half apologised for taking the kids away on Mother's Day saying that he hasn't done it maliciously but he hasn't got any mother and it was booked a long time ago. I only told him that I just pointed out the day to him, but I didn't go into a rant about it. I said that I knew it was a birthday present for our eldest, so I understood that he couldn't do otherwise. I think ex was looking for a confrontation as he was very angry but I didn't give him the satisfaction ( one 180 for me!). Also ex never did anything for i on Mothers day anyway, so no change.
Then ex proceeded by telling me that he was having a lot of problems with SD and her mum. He also said that he knows that SD got invited to youngest child birthday party. I said yes she was and that SD is also invited to eldest party because my eldest wanted her sister there. I said to ex that SD is our kids' sister and if our kids want her there she will be.
Ex said he understood but then he really became agitated and agressive (not physically) and without such words asked me for his help. Basically next time I see SD he doesn't want me to add more fuel on the fire. In short SD asked ex to help to pay for driving lessons (the deal was he buys SD a car and her mum pays for the lessons but ex never bought the car), but ex refused to pay for them saying he hasn't got any money, and still find some money to go abroad with OW and our kids for their birthdays! . Then ex went on about saying that SD asked for an expensive present for Xmas (he bought it), that SD has been rude to him as she noticed that he was treating our kids better than she ever was (which is true).
At that point ex was very angry and saying that his daughter is going to get it, that he will show her all the texts her mum sent her and SD will realise that if he doesn't have a relationship with her it's because of her mum. So ex asked me not to get involved in it! WTF! I told him that after being 11 years with me he should know better as I have never ever interferred in his relationship with his eldest daughter, that I'm not like his ex and that when I'm with SD our discussion doesn't evolve around him!
Another 180 from me as I refrained myself from texting him and trying to sort it out for him. Ex has always had that this expectation that if he gets into a mess his loved one (mum, sisters or me would) sort it out for him. Not this time! I just wanted to text him saying that you agreed to buy a car but don't deliver, and you say you can't pay for driving lessons but you can afford to go on holidays abroad with OW! But I didn't. I feel sad for SD because he clearly hasn't put his finances in order but furthermore it is sending SD a message that she isn't important because he prefers spend money on OW instead of helping his daughter to be more independent.
What strucks me was how much anger he has in him! He is the one who left SD 17 years ago but he is still very angry! Ex doesn't like to be challenged because he believes he is always right! He wants to show SD how bad her mum is, and fact he is going to make himself look even worse. SD's mum has raised her on her own, without financial help from him so no matter what he is going to say he won't be able to portrait her mum as a baddy! It will be him. And also he found time to spend time with OW while being with me so if he really wanted to spend time with his daughter he would have found as when you want something you always find a way to get it.
So clearly ex has still got his old habits: only wanting to spend money on him and OW (not his kids), being financially unstable, being true to himself, not taking any responsibility and finally still a lot of anger! Wow I wouldn't want to be in his shoes and I certainly wouldn't want to be involved with someone who behaves like towards his exes (no respect for women), and his children as it is a big telling about who he is really as for OW she certainly has gained a price!
Just forgot to add that I thought I wasn't behaving with dignity but after all I am and ex and OW can't take that away from me. I truly believe that I will come out of it a better woman (am already are) and ex will not learn anything from his experiences as I can see him being the same. I really know who he is, OW has the charming version for now. Good luck to her.
Rouky, you made me laugh with your 'one hit is all I need' comment!
Wow, your ex's life sounds a little complicated doesn't it? It does remind me of the saying - as you sew, so shall you reap. He has burned his way through two marriages, had children with each wife - was unfaithful - and now his life is rather fraught and his interactions with those present and former nearest and dearest are stressful. Sounds as though he's still seeing that as everyone else's fault - SD being difficult, ex is horrible and so on...all them and not me..
I think you are right to gracefully step out of the firing line here. If he's looking for someone to blame, no need to be a target for that.
I understand what you are saying about your SD. I feel the same way about my SS, who used to live with us every weekend and we did a lot of family stuff. SS told my good friend that he doesn't see that much of his Dad now as he doesn't feel welcome with OW there. I don't really understand that and I feel for SS who says - well, my Dad's an idiot, but he is my Dad and I love him....But I think it is just where the MLCer is at - me, me, me...and some more Me...
Take care Rouky and don't worry about what he's doing. If he wants to take OW away and lose out on quality time with his kids, that is truly his loss...
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Wow Rouky that is one screwed up man you were married to. You were a saint for trying to hold everything together in that situation. I suppose MWD would say that he is angry that things haven't turned out as expected in his new relationship. But who cares? It's his misery and hers. You really are the stable one in your picture. Since I am involved in my second divorce with a cheating spouse, I am starting to notice a pattern. The WAS appears to want to walk away at least partially from the children as well. I have learned that it is good strategy and important to the children to require that WAW remain committed to them and meet their obligations regarding parenting time and financial support. My ex complains bitterly of having to pay support but also commit more time to S than I do in spite of the fact that she moved 15 miles away and demanded that he go to school in her town. As I am sure you have discovered, it is the quality of our time together that really matters.
I hope you are having a great weekend Rouky, Mark
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Just jotting down thoughts. Tomorrow will be my two years anniversary when I kicked ex out. Funny enough I'm very peaceful about it.
I have grown so much and become such a better person that this date will not affect me. When I started to date ex I was very naive about relationship (I had this Disney ideal in my head), not anymore. At times I wished I had learnt about relationship earlier and maybe I could have saved my M, but most often I'm glad it happened as it pushed me to face my fears (ok not that n a nice way).
When I met ex I was desperate to be with someone and to be loved by someone and I thought that love (Disney fantasy) would conquer it all. Now I know better as relationship requires work.
I'm breaking the cycle of feeling unloved with my kids. I give them hugs (which I never got as a child), I tell them I love them (which again was never told), and I don't use put down names (which I would/ still get now). At times I'm really struggling because this is all I know but I'm aware that I'm breaking a cycle and each day I get better.
I'm proud of myself as now I appreciate life (practising being grateful is one thing I really love doing), I have understood a lot about myself and I'm rectifying or accepting more my flaws. I'm more compassionate and I do things without expecting anything in return ( I'd do it but would still feel upset if there wasn't a return). I have also learnt that most of my issues are way back in my childhood and how my parents transferred their knowledge on me. I don't blame them because they didn't know better and all this kind of soul searching is alien to them.
Whereas on the other hand I have the knowledge and I'm changing the course of my life. It isn't easy every day but each and every of them I'm getting better. I know I'm an awesome lady and ex has lost a diamond, but if he hadn't done what he did I would have never embark on this journey.
On D front, solicitor admitted losing my wedding certificate and despite several texts to ex to forward his copy to solicitor he hasn't done it. Well I'm no longer second guessing why he won't do it and what his reasons are. I'm sad that it has to come to this and that I will still have feelings for ex, but unfortunately there is no longer a future for us. I'm too far ahead of him now and I don't see any changes from his part (still blaming people for his problems).
On this note when ex comes to pick up kids he doesn't sound all that happy and cheerful. Today he was supposed to pick kids up for karate but as it was getting closer to the beginning of the lesson and he wasn't there I assumed they weren't going so I started to bake with them. Ex turned up 40 minutes later and kids said they didn't want to go with him. Usually ex would kick a fuss because it would have cost him money but not this time. As I would have friend I texting him to say sorry the he had to come all this way for nothing and within 20 seconds he replied. Now that is very unusual because he never replies to my texts when it is for something like that thank he would consider as trivial. Y
I don't know what is happening with him but with today a last week chat, this is very out of character for him! I'm not reading into it as I now for real feel that I have dropped the rope. It has three days that I didn't think about ex and I feel so much uplifted.
I'm not dating, nor am I looking for anyone. I GAL but as much as I'd like but shout to get me out of the house regularly. I'm at peace with the feeling that I could be single for the rest of my life but most importantly I'm loving myself more and more each day and my fears are gradually being taken care of.
I came here to save my marriage but I saved me. If ex hadn't cheated on me I'd have never dealt with my low self-esteem, feeling unlovable and mostly my depression. I'm not saying thank you for what he did but one way or another I would have had to deal with my demons and i guess the betrayal was the only way to force me to look deep into me and change the course of my life.
