Today I have filed for divorce and I feel so much at peace with myself. I have no anger towards ex as he is who he is.
Why have I done it? When I came here I truly believed that I could save my marriage, made some wrong moves but now I can clearly say that I have given it my best shot. I have grown so much that I'm way ahead of ex and unfortunately I can't see any growth or even lesson learnt on his part. I'm too far ahead for him to catch up with me. Ex is stuck in his anger towards me ( wonder what I did to deserve this! Haha), still stuck in his old ways ( putting himself first) and most importantly he hasn't worked on him. Ex is always blaming others for things that don't go well in his life, and therefore isn't looking at what he might have done for those things to happen.
I have decided to go for adultery but refused to name OW. She might have known all along that he was married or she might have been a victim of his charms I don't know but I have dignity and it is not in my nature to be vengeful. I didn't go after OW when I found out, who do it now? It will appear as petty and as someone who hasn't healed. I don't want to be consumed by hatred and anger. Yes ex has done me wrong big time, and yes it's unfair but I have made peace that sometimes life is unfair.
I want to be happy and feel loved again as I think I have a lot to offer. I'm not filling to find someone else as I don't want at the moment, but I want closure. If I ever come to meet someone again, I want to be able to tell that person that I'm free to love again as ai would be divorced not separated.
I still love ex but not enough to start a new marriage if he was to come back. Trust is completely gone and I wouldn't be able to forgive and forget how I became a divorcee, nor all the agression that ex expressed towards me. He has chosen his journey by forcing me to make decisions for him, and it was hard but at the same time for the last two years I have accomplished things I thought I would never be able to. I'm so strong that I can't believe what I have achieved. Ex is still the same. For example while I was talking to him regarding our eldest being bullied on the phone he carried on cutting tiles meaning I could hardly hear him. This man has no respect for me, why would I want him back?
Yes at times I wanted revenge (and I feel there will still be a part of me which would want it), but I have faith that at some point ex will have to answer to God.
I have made new friends. I have a life that I enjoy (ok still sad times but they are fewer apart), BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY I HAVE CONQUERED DEPRESSION. I love the new me, so much more positive, calm that going back with ex would drag me back in the hole and I'm not prepared to live like that again.
Everyone here who has read, posted on my thread you are incredible, amazing and i wouldn't have found peace without your guidance. Thank you so much for your kindness, your support, your friendship and your honesty.
I am sorry it has come to this, but you are the only one who could decide what you wanted to do. You gave it your best shot and you've done all you can do. I think you will find that as you walk your path, you will feel a bit more free and light of heart because you know you've done all you can. I can honestly say that once the divorce papers were signed, I felt a huge weight lifting off my back. I didn't have to wonder and worry about when he would strike next w/something stupid and/or silly and I certainly didn't have to worry about taking on any of his debt if he should over extend himself.
Take it one day at a time and know that we love you and will be here to walk the rest of your journey w/you. No matter what happens, we are here for you....after all, you are family and family sticks together.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Rouky, I'm proud of you for what you posted. It was eloquently stated and shows someone who made a thoughtful and careful decision. You followed your heart and clearly didn't do this to get a reaction out of your h. You've learned a lot on your journey and I think you can move forward with your head held high. Thats the silver lining to all of this. You've become a more humble, self aware human... While I think the experience is just devastatingly painful... I think our capacity to be more patient and loving grows for having walked the DB path. It will serve you well as you continue moving on.
We're here for you. Wishing you tons of peace.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Well I feel that there has been some progress for my kid after my meeting at school, so I'm pleased about that.
Meeting with ex was comical because in front of our kids he didn't acknowledge me, nor did he made any eye contact throughout the time we were together. I looked beautiful and smiled a lot. Him, well he is still slim but has grown a beard (funny because he ate to spend more than two days without shaving), but what surprised me is how old his face looked. He is only 38 but he really looked old. Ok I could say 60 but I would be pushing it too far. Hahaha.
After the meeting I felt sad for about an hour but now I'm fine. There is definitely no physical attraction towards him, still have a soft spot for him but it's more nostalgia than anything else. Ex has made his choice, unfortunately I think he has let slip through his nest a good, kind, caring and loving person. Maybe he will realise, maybe he won't, but I'm in a such a better place than I have been for a long time, and I'm actually looking forward the future. I'm going dark with ex as it's the only way that I feel will help me to detach.
Youngest kid asked me if I love her dad I said yes because I do still love him but I also added that it would be impossible for us to be back together. She was puzzled, so she asked me again if I loved him and I said but as a friend.
Life still goes on for me. Don't know how I'm going to survive this weekend. Have a party at my place on Friday night, out with kids on Saturday all day then having some friends (that I haven't seen for ages as they moved away) for lunch on Sunday. I'm content with my life. No longer scared of being on my own forever as I like my own company and I have amazing friends.
Hi Rouky, I'm glad that you have made a decision that you feel at peace with. For me, I didn't choose to file for D, but I certainly found it helped me with closure when the D was finalised. It was freeing no longer to be 'wedded' to that situation and be the wife of someone who was boyfriend to someone else - ugh.
Good luck with things and I wish you well in coming months. From all that you post I do see that you have moved a long way forward.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You sound like you are doing amazing. Not only are you putting closure to an unhealthy relationship with your husband, you have have closed the doors to an unhealthy relationship with yourself.
I look forward to reading about your continued growth and overcoming negativity.
I've still been reading & I'm sorry I haven't commented lately. You have done an amazing job of working on you and getting to the point of being happy alone. Congrats on getting to this point. I hope you find a companion that is worthy of the new you to spend time with! You deserve some "icing on your cake".
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Rouky I am so proud of you. You have remarkable grace and strength. I feel so lucky to know you and will always draw inspiration from you. Be strong for your kids and carry your head high and they will be fine.
xoxoxoxoxoMark
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Thank you very much everyone, I don't think any words would be good enough to express how much I appreciate your support and encouragements.
Life carries on and work is absolutely crazy so I'm looking forward a break soon. I don't know how to explain it but I know I have done the right thing about filing because if I happen to meet someone I wouldn't want that person to deal with it, but at times I feel sad about it all. I have seen my shortcomings in my relationship although deep down at times I'd have like ex to realise his part and work together as a team. I know I feel sad because I'm tired and when it's the case I feeel down and I cry for anything. This shall pass too.
I'm proud of myself and in a way how ex has very recently started to interact with me. Ex has a tendency to do things last minute but this time he gave me notice to swap weekend. Also he is keeping me more up to date with the kids, so I guess he has realised that I have boundaries and that if I have enough notice I would be more than happy to help him out.
So now coming back on swapping weekend, I had planned something but was able to change it. What I'm proud is that I would have gone ballistic that he wanted to swap weekend when he has his kids whereas has no problem to cancel his activities for OW. Most probably I would have written a nasty/ truth darts to him but I didn't as for the first time I didn't see the point of doing it. It would have served me no purpose, I don't want to keep tabs with ex. I don't want to want revenge anymore, maybe OW is going to bring the best out of him.I just want to be happy and still live by my values.
I can't undo the past, I only wish I had learned more about relationship to make it work. The positive side is that I'm now better equipped.
