I'm just journaling as it find it funny. Got my kids back after a week with their dad. They didn't miss me (which is weird as I'm not sad because at least I know they are looked after). Apparently OW had two sleep over. Is it normal but I'm starting to feel sad for OW as H told the kids that she is just a friend, she stayed in the guest bedroom, and what is more funny is that she wasn't there on NYE or NY day. Honestly in here we are always told to look at the actions not the words. I don't believe that she stayed in spare room but her not being there for such important dates (they have been together for 4 years now). Also they had a family gathering at his house and she wasn't there. So why after 4 years would you not invite your girlfriend when you spent Christmas with her and her family?
I know I'm mind reading, and on the other hand his actions are showing someone who isn't prepare to commit ( even after 4 years), and I would be lying if I didn't want him and OW to have some consequences for what they have done as I feel it would be really unfair of God to have them hurting me like they did and no consequences for them.
We both need to be ok with things not always being fair. In the short term any how.
To be honest, I don't think your husband is capable of really truly committing to anyone. It's not about you, or OW, or his ex. It's about him. It's simply who he is. All OW has right now, is a man incapable of real committment and honesty. I would rather have no one then have that. So yeah, she has consequences. And your ex just doesn't have the depth to experience what real love and committment for another is. That's a consequence as well.
You my dear, have great empathy, insight and the capacity to truly love someone when you are ready. (Hopefully someone deserving and able to reciprocate)
I am working on just accepting the cards I'm dealt. Fair or not fair. A husband that didn't want to be in a partnership with me. Everything else is irrelevant and we have to proceed that way.
Just venting as I'm really annoyed with one of my friends. She was telling me that actually she finds H considerate towards me as he has introduced IW to kids as a friend and that she stayed in the guest room. She thinks that he is doing the right thing for the kids as if his relationship with OW don't last the kids won't get too attached to her. I read on many posts here that Hs usually don't hesitate to initiate a lot of contact with their kids and OW, so why mine isn't doing it like everyone else?
She also added that maybe this OW is bringing the best out of him and I told her that it was hurtful as I felt it was implying that I have been a bad wife and a bad mother! . The kids even told me that they were playing board games with him and her! When we were together he couldn't do that because he was saying that there were some jobs to be done in the house!
Basically tonight I feel like sugar because I feel H is becoming a better dad than when we were together (implying I was a bad wife), he is doing more fun things with them (no I feel like a bad mother), that he is being considerate on how he introduces OW (I feel like he isn't taking any responsibilities for his actions by saying she just a friend and introducing her gradually!). I feel like he is putting bullsugar in my kids' eyes as he hasn't told them the truth of who she is. I feel like my kids don't remember before when we were together and he was never there. I feel that my kids are going to love their dad and OW more than me and mainly that they won't see who their dad really is and the pain he put me through Friends also added that maybe OW being in spare room was because we are still married and he doesn't want to confuse the kids with sleeping with OW!
I really feel that the kids will never condone what their dad did to me and them, that he gets to look good whereas I believe he has very low moral values, but mainly that he will never been made accountable/ get consequences for what he did.
Hi Rouky! My apologies for being away for so long but I am curious about your GAL activities these days. What did you do the week your kids were with their dad? I personally still struggle a little bit with getting out but I feel so much better when I do. Are you getting exercise? Dressing sexy? There is a hot way the girls are doing eye shadow these days that looks a little like Cleopatra and I love it! I've let my hair grow out and my beard get scruffy. STBXW would never let me do either. Anyway I hope you have plans for the weekend!
Mark
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Hi Rouky, IDK if I've posted on your thread but I try to follow along and your last couple posts resonated with me. I'm sorry to read about your friend and I know how you feel about H, I've been there and I know that disgusted feeling about OP with no morals being introduced to my kids and not being able to do anything about it. I won't go into detail but I had a major insult to that injury which I've pent up which makes it worse but it is also reminder how completely out of it W is. Remember, you know the truth of the situation and deep down your H does too. I wouldn't consider OW staying over not having much contact. Remember she is probably as messed up as your H is right now and your kids will eventually figure it all out if you be their rock. Try not to give her your mental energy, I know easier said than done, I've been struggling with this really bad the last couple weeks.
As far as OW brining out the best..well that's just not true. He's putting on airs, OW probably wouldn't stick around to babysit while he did chores/maintenance around the house. Must be a MLC thing, my W did the same. Before BD she was always sick and didn't do many activities with the kids and I, then after she leaves and hangs out w/OM she starts doing things with them that she wouldn't with me and the kids. We have to remember it's them and not us.
Proud with myself as it's two days after my kids have given me a lot of details of their holidays with ex and one day since my friend made me doubt and I'm back to my normal self. Usually I would have dwelt on it for ages, but just two days is a sign I'm on the up. Today hardly thought about ex! Whoo hoo!
To answer your questions Shotgun my GAL activities have taken a rather quiet turn. My work doesn't stop once I have left school, I have about 2/3 hours of work in the evening once kids are in bed. So going out is a bit hard, so most of my GAL are at the weekend. I try to do one activity with my kids each day and when they aren't there I meet up with friends. It's too cold to dress sexy here. Hahahah!
Kyh thank you very much for stopping by as your post really cheered me up. All that you say is so true as I was unhappy in my M but still wouldn't consider cheating on ex. Both him and her must be pretty messed up.
Just got a dilemma and would like some feedback from people here. I have been dark with ex for 3 months now (unless it relates to kids), when he comes to pick up kids I don't see him or if I have to talk to him because the kids want me to say something to him I do it from another room. I can't bring myself to see him physically and I'm wondering what impacts this might have on my kids. They see me not coming to the door when they are pick up and they see I don't speak to him face to face. Am I showing them the right example? On one hand I'd like to show kids that I can have a cordial relationship with their dad but on the other hand I don't see why I should be cordial and friendly with him. If a friend had betrayed me like he did, I'd no longer be in contact with him/her, so why pretend with ex?
My eldest also asked me to invite her dad for her birthday party. I said that she will a birthday party with her dad and one with me. I have been honest with her and added that at the moment I'm still hurt and I need time to heal and for me healing includes not seeing her dad. Don't know if I handle it well but I have always tried not to lie and I'm not going to start this now.
I want my kids to be brought up as honest people and having values.
I hear you and honesty is important but sometimes we can tweek the truth "I am still hurt and I think forgiveness is the best action"..then your kids see strength, courage and discipline maybe you can work on forgiveness a little at a time..
if we forgive,,the load gets taken off us WE win he/they will still have consequences -no one can outrun karma but that is not for us to determine their consequences I would work on creating a cordial R..work on forgiving and letting go
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi Rouky, I understand how you feel. I have only seen XH once since BD and I have no idea how I would feel if I had to see him again. Pretty rattled I would guess. In fact when I have to go to 'his city' I get irrational fears about bumping into him, or OW or worse, both together..
But he and I don't have to kids together and I am lucky enough that SS chooses to keep in touch and his Mum encourages that too. I don't need to be in contact with XH for that to happen.
When you have kids together, I think it is healthiest if you can get to a point of interacting face to face, even if that is in a fairly minimal and pleasant way. Your kids will notice if Mum & Dad never see each other and it will impact I think..
I get how hard it is though....(((((hugs))))...and I agree with Peace - working towards forgiveness as a gift to yourself is so important - letting go of the need to 'punish' or for him to feel 'consequences' - life tends to do this, there is no need for you to hold on to any of that. If you can release it and feel peace within yourself even when 'faced' with him, that will be further progress forward for you...
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I have been really struggling lately. I can't seem to let go, got another text today from ex about him taking the kids to a theme park that we said we would but couldn't because we didn't have the money.
Now I'm really feeling like a pill of ...! It feels like ex is out there to make me feel like a bad mother because he is doing so many nice things with them and he wouldn't do them when they were younger. Oh! I get it when they were younger it was hard work now that they are more independent it's easier.
I can't believe that ex can't realise that if he can do all this things it's because we no longer have financial difficulties. It hurts because we said that once the house would be sold we would do all the things he has done with the kids, the only difference is that I'm not part of it! I knew our old house was financially draining us but we always had insight to sell it and start to live because we sacrificed a lot (well I did), so I put up with his antics as I could see the big picture, not him.
Here what I want to write to him: Thank you for letting me know about your trip to X I'm glad to see that you have now some time and money to spend on the kids. Funny that you couldn't be like that when were together. Oh I forgot you found the because you'd prefer working 7 days a week and sleep in another woman's bed!
