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#2723512 12/31/16 05:24 AM
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Hello everyone!

Last year this time I was a complete emotional mess, did everything wrong as XW was trying to negotiate with me about the move and the boys. I was so controlling and angry.

This year I am just sad she is not around any longer to see her kids. I still love her but she has gone NC with us. She has not called the boys since their last visit with her on Christmas Eve.

I have been able to get some help to organize the house and get things settled in. It is amazing how many things a person can accumulate over a short amount of time. We literally are able to furnish two houses.

I hope to be posting more positive updates this time around and less about my emotions and feelings. Lord knows I have a lot to deal with raising the Fab 5! grin


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2723525 12/31/16 08:05 AM
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Welcome to the Big D Jim.

Happy New Year to you and the boys.


V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Thank you V!

As always great to hear from you!


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2723675 01/01/17 06:38 PM
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Hi Jim,

While I am not yet facing the big D I still plan on coming to visit you here. You are my friend and I tend to stick around my friends like a fungus. laugh


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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On NYE XW texted to speak with the boys later in the day, I mentioned they were available now to talk. She said OK, so she spoke to them. She did not call them on Christmas Day. After she spoke to the boys XW and I spoke. I offered her the boys and said I would drop them off either on Jan 1 in the evening or during the day on Jan 2 since they have an extra week vacation before school starts. I also stated I did not need a response at that time and she could think about it.

XW calls back 10 minutes later and starts to spew that I always change plans last minute and what is convenient for me. I stated that I was not trying to do that and that I was looking for a simple yes or no answer. I followed up with I will take it as a no and politely hung up the phone.

On Jan 2 I texted my L and told her about the convo. L asked if I had it in writing, I said no. I said her excuse was she was not getting a car until Wednesday and that she did not have time to book a hotel to stay with the boys.

It is very clear to me that FIL does not want the boys staying at his home anymore.

I crafted a follow up email seeing if XW wanted to take the boys for a few days after she gets her new car and she replied again with more blame on me and stated no. At least I have this in writing now.

Two nights ago a close friend of mine told me that XW is now on OM4. Friend did some FB stalking of new OM and sent me a pic of XW and OM. Apparently now she is dating a firefighter and ended the "serious relationship" she had with the police officer. New OM has two small boys around ages 3 and 5.

I think XW is now playing watching new OM's boys.


I was a bit melancholy on the 30th and 31st thinking back on my emotional state a year ago and how there was potential to save the M.

Now I am more numb to what XW is doing and how she has moved on with her life. I still get sick thinking about how she is just focusing on herself and not wanting to communicate more with the boys.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2723987 01/04/17 07:24 AM
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That is sickening and I will pray for you, your boys, and your xw. I'm far behind you but think that detachment is even important to you now than ever for your sanity and ability to move forward.


- m and ww in 30s
- s4
- m 11 yrs, t12
-ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM
- bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa
- 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
J5K #2724456 01/07/17 09:28 AM
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Originally Posted By: J5K

On NYE XW texted to speak with the boys later in the day, I mentioned they were available now to talk. She said OK, so she spoke to them. She did not call them on Christmas Day. After she spoke to the boys XW and I spoke. I offered her the boys and said I would drop them off either on Jan 1 in the evening or during the day on Jan 2 since they have an extra week vacation before school starts. I also stated I did not need a response at that time and she could think about it.

XW calls back 10 minutes later and starts to spew that I always change plans last minute and what is convenient for me. I stated that I was not trying to do that and that I was looking for a simple yes or no answer. I followed up with I will take it as a no and politely hung up the phone.


There really is no winning with a person lost in sin. Her selfish entitlement is telling her she should have the boys all the time and you should disappear. Her fantasy alternate reality tells her you aren't nice, everything you do is manipulative, you can't handle the boys yourself, you don't really want the boys at all but only "kept" them from her to punish and manipulate her. But when you offer them up to her last minute like this --- even offering to drive them to her BBBBBUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTT she has other plans with OM #3, #4 or whichever all of the sudden her kids become an inconvenience and at the slightest inclination of feeling guilty (what mom in her situation wouldn't drop everything to spend an extra week with her kids) she therefore has to twist it in her mind to make this your fault that REALITY isn't allowing her to see the kids despite your generous offer. No doubt she'll mentally fall back shortly to the "Jim can't handle the boys that's why he hoped I'd take them off his hands, so I just said no so he can suffer" and "pretty soon he'll be begging me to take the boys, I just need to set myself up with a place we can all live together and then the boys will be with me someday" (It's always someday with this fantasy dreamers).


Originally Posted By: j5k

On Jan 2 I texted my L and told her about the convo. L asked if I had it in writing, I said no. I said her excuse was she was not getting a car until Wednesday and that she did not have time to book a hotel to stay with the boys.

It is very clear to me that FIL does not want the boys staying at his home anymore.

I crafted a follow up email seeing if XW wanted to take the boys for a few days after she gets her new car and she replied again with more blame on me and stated no. At least I have this in writing now.


Good documentation. It's always a good idea to keep a dated journal of such even if u just copy/paste your individual posts from here and insert it into a calendar app of some kind.

Originally Posted By: fk5
Two nights ago a close friend of mine told me that XW is now on OM4. Friend did some FB stalking of new OM and sent me a pic of XW and OM. Apparently now she is dating a firefighter and ended the "serious relationship" she had with the police officer. New OM has two small boys around ages 3 and 5.
I think XW is now playing watching new OM's boys.


Her priority is and until she repents will remain herself. It's why your boys need your protection and they are better off "visiting" mom far away but living primary around you and your family of origin. Spend time with your female relatives so the boys are exposed to decent strong women to counterbalance the short changing they got for a mother.

Single women with young boys can be targets for deviant sexual pedophiles. Educate yourself on how to watch for red-flags and how best to defend your children in age appropriate manner against such men that may be around your ex-wife during their "visitation" the next few years. The statistics regarding such are horrifying.


Originally Posted By: fk5
I was a bit melancholy on the 30th and 31st thinking back on my emotional state a year ago and how there was potential to save the M.

Now I am more numb to what XW is doing and how she has moved on with her life. I still get sick thinking about how she is just focusing on herself and not wanting to communicate more with the boys.


Communicating with the boys she does only out of obligation and she probably cries every time after she speaks to them. She avoids calling because it makes her FEEL bad and reality is too be avoided at all costs. If she's throwing herself at this new guy and his kids, it's simply to fill & avoid the void she's FEELING about your/her own children. She THINKS it's helping her feel better, but's it's not really. She blames others but as you and everyone else pulls away she's left alone and bitter about the life she can eventually only blame herself for. I would not be surprised at all if she were utilizing crutches now. She's probably using alcohol and/or pills to TRY to escape the pain of waywardism. It's a dark place so it's not surprising at all she's no longer the shining light she used to be -- darkness is actually defined as the absence of light.

Unless she repents - you (and your boys) will be far better off without her around at all.

I do want to indicate there is always hope. Include her in your prayers because it would be nice for the boys to have a Godly mother again someday despite the divorce. I don't think anyone is incapable of changing but the impetus has to come from within her now. She's God's job and no longer your responsibility. As the only remaining healthy parent, your job is YOUR health and physical/mental well-being. Your boys need you.


The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
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GB,

I always appreciate your advice and comments! I read them multiple times to ensure I soak in every detail.

The boys and I are finally settling in to our new home...we are slowly inching into some normalcy...first week in the new school has been good, no issues so far.

XW continues to only contact the boys once per week minimum.

XW and S7 had their birthday a little over a week ago. XW calls to wish S7 a Happy Birthday while we were out to dinner, I answered, wished her a Happy Birthday and passed the phone to the boys. Our tradition has been that the birthday boy gets to pick the meal of their choice.

NC then from XW for about a week. I start to prep to have the boys visit with their mom over MLK weekend as the JOD states that visits in TO will occur on long weekends. I text XW to confirm and she states she wants to take them the last weekend of the month. I stated that is not what the JOD says, she refuses to take them after a couple of phone conversations and XW spewing that I am trying to control things and that she has other plans. She and I go back and forth with the L's and ultimately she does not take the kids.

XW asks me to meet her earlier on the last weekend as the boys have a half a day, I stated that I cannot due to work and the only thing I can offer is for her to pick them up after their half day of school and that I would meet her halfway on the return home. She gets upset saying that is not how it works and that she gets to pick the weekends she has visits with the boys.

L's are now going back and forth on discussions to lock things down even more where it will clearly state that XW has visits either the 1st and 3rd weekend of every month or 2nd and 4th to end this banter.

Last couple of days have been a bit of a rollercoaster, XW gives me windows of when she will contact the boys and never follows through with calling during those times, she kept saying she wanted to talk to them to find out how their first day of school was and never did after the week was over. Yesterday S2 had a birthday and turned 3! We had a great day! My family came over and we celebrated. XW stated she would call between 6pm and 630pm and ended up calling at 655pm. If it wasn't a special occasion I never would have answered the phone, but I did and let her speak with the boys. I am handed the phone back and wish her a good night and she wants to start to talk about other things, I politely tell her I have company over and need to get back to the party and hang up. She tries to call back twice and I do not answer either time.

Later around 10:45 or 11pm she starts to text about various things, I do not respond as I was exhausted and was in bed trying to get some sleep, she starts to call and I hang up, she continues to call about 12 times and I finally had to turn off my phone.

It is clear she has no consideration for my schedule and how busy it is, yet I have to be considerate of hers, which I have offered as much flexibility in mine as I can.

I am not sure how long this anger in her will last, I do know that she has made some threating comments that continue to solidify that she is going to ask for change of custody of the boys at a certain time, in the near future.

We will have to deal with that when it comes.

On a positive note, the school system is great and the boys are really enjoying settling into the new home and school. I have been interviewing part time sitters also and think I may have found a few candidates. My goal right now is to get into a good routine by the end of the month and get back to some sort of normal.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2726143 01/18/17 07:55 AM
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My goodness, my heart goes out to you! Sounds like your XW if just super unreasonable. I am glad you have found some peace in your new place and that your sons are settling in and adjusting to everything. Hang in there!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
J5K #2726194 01/18/17 12:17 PM
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Hi Jim,

You sound like you are in a good place, apart from all the dealings with XW. I get the impression that you are feeling good about your choices and you seem more at peace. I hope this confirms that you made the right choice to not move to Toronto! I can only imagine how you would have been living completely on her terms there.

I'm going to encourage you to have even firmer boundaries with XW. There is no reason to let her call 12 times late at night before you silence your phone. She's obviously not calling to talk to the children and there was no emergency, I assume. It almost makes me wonder if she was drunk...

But it is good documentation for how she communicates. It's enough, though, the pattern is going to be clear in court. Now you can show the court how well you handle it to minimize drama.

I think calling for the children at 6:55 when the agreement is between 6 and 6:30 is fine. I would answer even if it's not a special occassion. You don't want to be seen as too strict - it is after all about the children. You don't want to restrict access to the children unless it is extremely unreasonable (demanding you wake them up to speak, calling at 6am or during church on a Sunday, etc.). This is about *their* right to contact with their mother, not *her* rights. Keep that in mind (that's what the judge does) and you can't step wrong.

Her contact with you can be routed through L to minimize stress on you, and it sounds like you're doing a good job of managing that.

Have you visited the SPARC website? deltabravo.net is a fathers' rights group that has amazing resources for fathers.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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Dawn,

Thank you for the support! I am still hopeful that one day XW and I will reconnect, but that is probably a year or two down the road, maybe more.

Painter,

So nice to hear from you! I am in a better place except with XW. I still have those feelings of walking on eggshells sometimes when we talk briefly on the phone.

Since XW and I are basically NC, there are limited boundaries in place. It is clear she still doesn't respect me. I keep conversations short and sweet on my side and only discuss the boys, if she starts to go off on a tangent I politely dismiss myself from the conversation and hang up. This infuriates her more and then she starts to text and spew more.

Today my L drafted a letter to XW's L with very specific incidents that happened over the last week and a half. Without going into details, my L stated we would file for sole custody if XW doesn't start to be more cordial with me.

Correct, there was no emergency and she did not want to speak to the boys, she wanted to dictate things to continue to make me feel bad and try and overwhelm me with stress and anxiety.

Most of the time I do answer the phone. I do not answer when we are driving and I am en-route to pick up the little ones from daycare. There have been multiple times though where she says she will call at a certain time and never calls at all that day.

Anyway, trying to be as upbeat as I can when we talk, but I still struggle internally.

I will look into the SPARC website! Thank you for the info!

Hope all is well with you!


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Your strength and resilience to raise your 5Bs singlehandedly is amazing. I can't imagine a mother abandoning her children in that way.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gordie, thank you for the support. I do what I can. I still feel so unorganized in my life right now. Still a lot of loose ends to clean up, but I can only do what I can each day.


Since the letter went out to XW last Friday, a lot less communication through text.

Monday I had a meeting with the boys teachers, social worker, and principal at the new school. I called XW to have her conference in. We gave the teachers history on the boys. XW started to make comments about the boys behavior and made it sound like they are struggling due to my actions. She threw in a couple of other jabs as to me not being a cooperative co-parent. I said nothing until after the discussion was done. When XW was off the phone I apologized to the teachers and gave them a bit of my perspective on things but did not say anything negative about XW, I just stated that I want the boys to excel as much as possible.

So no formal response back to the letter my L sent. Since I have to get my things out of storage though, I think it would be best to meet XW this weekend and have her visit with the boys even thought it should have been 2 weekends ago.

XW also sent me texts this week with respect to the furniture, asking if I wanted to buy the formal dining room and the piano. I said I would think about it. She stated that it will cost her 6K to move her things to Toronto. Ha! That is double the price of what she received quotes for from when we were going to move all the furniture. I validated and in the end she said well she will look at selling the items online, they are just things.

I think to myself, we paid thousands of dollars for that piano and now she wants to sell it instead of giving it to her kids. She wanted to have the boys learn piano and now she will sell it for pennies on the dollar.

Nothing but lies continue to come out of her mouth. She had the nerve to say she doesn't trust me going through the storage units and is concerned I will damage her things as I try to get mine out. I just cannot deal with her being so negative about me anymore. I may be the type of person that avoids conflict at times, but I am not a malicious person, if I wanted to damage her things that would have happened a long time ago when I had a lot of anger and resentment towards her.

I signed the boys up for AM care, still struggling to find an afterschool nanny though but not giving up. Lots to do in a short amount of time.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2727605 01/27/17 03:58 PM
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She certainly won't let you have the piano for less that half of what you paid for it so selling it makes perfect sense and if you sell it together you should be able to arrange to have a friend or relative buy it for penny's on dollar and then transfer it to you behind the scenes as a gift or for future consideration.

Pretty easy to be the best offer when you get to see all the prior offers. If the price goes too high, then just take your 1/2 and be done with it.

Don't try to be upfront about it either and figure you can just pay her a little bit more than the highest offer and she'll be OK with that. Rational doesn't work in these situations but if and when she ever comes to her senses and repents she'll be relieved you were able to "save" the piano from her foolishness.


The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
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I would speak to your L regarding the furniture. In my state we split things 50/50. If the piano is important to the kids let the L know. He maybe able to convince the mediators for you to keep it.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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It has been a hectic couple of weeks. I am trying to sustain some normalcy and routine with the boys. Overall they are happy but it is apparent they have all regressed with behavior issues. I tend to keep it together and am in bed about an hour after they fall asleep! LOL!

The new school has been great in assisting and helping the boys focus. Lots of support and love for them. I have also signed them up for karate and one other activity.

My afternoon nanny starts next week, cannot wait to get some help to assist the boys in becoming the best men they can be.

XW and I are still up and down, she continues to blame all kid issues on me. Our conversations are more cordial, but tend to drift towards her criticizing me and what I have not completed based on her timeframe of when things should be done. I can no longer take that type of conversation and politely dismiss myself from the conversations.

She has now filed a motion saying I am denying her weekend visits with the boys and not adhering to the judgement, which is completely untrue. She sees them once per month and has never exercised her parenting time in Michigan. This is a matter of her interpretation of the judgement vs. mine.

I had no choice but to file a counter motion. She has made statements that she cannot take the boys on their mid winter break, spring break, and summer because she will not be able to afford it. If this is truly the case then I have no choice but to change the circumstances and request child support now.

Of course her perspective will be that I am being punitive towards her. My L also wants to lock down and define visitation more clearly so that XW and I do not go around in circles debating which weekend the boys visit with her.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2733106 03/07/17 11:23 AM
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How are things going?? Are the boys enjoying their new school?

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Thank you for checking in dream!

The boys are enjoying their new school. The teachers and staff have been incredible in helping to work with both S7s and their behavior issues.

Things are somewhat still status quo with XW. She calls about once per week to talk to the boys. We have brief conversations with respect to the kids after she speaks to them. Most communication is through email.

Both our motions were heard by FOC. FOC suggested we use Our Family Wizard for communication and modified her visitation so she can see them every 2nd and 4th weekend of each month. On the 2nd weekend she can drive here to pick them up and take them anywhere she wants. I am still required to meet her on the 4th weekend halfway. FOC also stated that she is required to pay 50% of the cost of the extracurricular activities the boys were signed up for.

About a week and a half after the motion hearing, XW was texting me trying to validate her visit for February. I had signed up for OFW and added her info which then sent her an email to sign up for the website. She then started texting me as to why this was necessary. I asked her if she had spoken to her L and if she signed the order, she responded like she had no idea what was going on. As of today the order is still not signed.

XW has been more cordial with me and I have kept things very brief. The boys do not talk much about her but it does come up once in a while. S5 last night asked if mommy and daddy will ever get back together. I hugged him and told him not to worry and everything will be fine and that he is loved.

I know I have a hole in my heart since she left, I can only imagine what these children are going through. I pray that someday XW and I will be able to at least be in the same room together with the boys and maybe eventually date again and try a second time. In the meantime the boys and I go through our regular routine and do our best to get through each day!


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2737903 04/07/17 02:51 AM
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Hi everyone,

XW has not held up her end of the D. She has not taken the boys on the long weekends, spring break, and has not notified me about taking them over the summer like she fought for.

L and I will now be going back to court to request child support in May.

XW was also supposed to sign up for OFW and has not. She still communicates through texting. The conversations are more cordial and minimal. Only discussions about the boys.

For me things are better. I still miss her but also have this unsettled anger/disgust that she would leave her family.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2738171 04/09/17 05:40 AM
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Hi J5K..

Your feelings of anger/discuss are valid.. i have been there.. i have raised my 4 children on my own for the past 9 years. Those feelings you have, i still carry around. She is oblivious to the dammage she is causing. In her mind, every action she takes is justified with lies and excuses.. keep your focus on you and the welfair of your children. Be the dream team. So many people dream to have what she had.. it is her lost, not yours.. you and the boys are the FAMILY!!! The most important foundation of a good life..

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I am pleased to see OFC being recommended, you may need to join her up and pay the fee as one off and send her the link. It may save you a lot of pain in the fullness of time.

I am very pleased to read about your anger, to me this marks the beginning of healing. From day one on the board I read the words of a remarkable man and father. A quite extraordinary gifted and loving person, in my eyes you are getting stronger.

Bringing up your sons is a full time job on its own without work and a difficult ex. I too am disappointed that WW has made little effort with her sons, although I confess with no surprise.

Much hugs and rainbows to you and the boys

Know I hold you in high esteem, for your grit and determination.


V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


J5K #2738790 04/13/17 11:55 AM
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I'm not surprised that she hasn't held up her end of the divorce agreement. She wasn't all that interested in parenting when this all began. When was the last time she saw the kids?

Hope all goes well at court next month.

I'm so glad that you changed your mind about moving to Canada.

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I am so frustrated reading about your wife's selfishness. I was in the ICU recently and missed my children terribly. I swear she has no soul.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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Hi all,

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I am at a loss of what to say anymore about XW. Some days she is cordial through OFW others she is back to my interpretation of criticism.

S8 and S3 were in the hospital on two different occasions. I called XW immediately, also asked if she wanted to come down to help and she said no. That really bothered me. Luckily I was able to find sitters to watch the other boys while I was in the hospital with the two.

Both S7s continue to have behavior issues and the school has been great in supporting their needs. I finally have them back in therapy again. One of my S7s was suspended for a dangerous thing he did at school. When I spoke to him about his feelings I found out XW is kissing OM in front of the boys. This really bothers him. He opened up some more and expressed his feelings about visiting his mom. XW has also stayed with the boys at OMs house now instead of ex in laws. My ex FIL does not want them at the house. Apparently OM does not stay there overnight with the boys, which is at least something.

I also found out that XW bought the house in Canada. She has not moved in yet but has moved some things out of storage. The most frustrating thing for me now is that as we speak here and there through OFW, she continues to lie. Her tone through emails does not show any respect for me either.

XW did not notify me stated in the judgement on whether she will take the boys for the summer so I have started planning for an au pair. I will also need a part time sitter as these little guys are a handful. XW sends a request on specific dates that she would like the boys over the summer. I just stated that she lost her time with them based on the agreement and left (this was during one of the exchanges with the boys). She was very upset.

I want to be the nice guy and give her something, but I also can see the perspective of the tough love approach. At some point in time I wish I could just speak to her so we could discuss an alternative method so we both have access to the kids.

In the meantime, I have been doing fun things with them on weekends. We have our ups and downs each day which never leads to a dull moment and all 5 are unique in their own way. I continue to have a bit of hope that some day the family will be back together. For now I am good with the NC and only discussing the boys.

Somehow XW has still not managed to hit rock bottom as she has her OM and XMIL supporting her needs. Not mine to worry about though. She is the one missing out on the little things these guys do day to day.

Oh yeah, and she still has no job.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2742252 05/07/17 04:34 AM
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All I can say is what an amazing and loving father you are.

My rainbow strength to you and the boys

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hope everyone is doing well.

The motion was heard in court last week. XW has to pay child support now. More than what I thought. She has not paid any of the L fees or the extracurricular from the last time we were in court 2 months ago. Judge told her lawyer she has to pay.

The last couple of months have been rough. Boys have been seeing mom every two weeks and they have had a hard time adjusting. During this time she would call two or three times a week. Now with the new results she has only called once this past week since the last visit.

She and I also need to meet with a parenting coordinator to learn how to coparent better. I am sure I will learn things I am doing wrong and need to keep my feelings and emotions out of the discussions we have.

Both S7s continue on a rollercoaster ride due to the D. They are going to therapy weekly and are also attending pet therapy that a teacher is trying to implement in the school district. It seems to be helping.

Now I am looking for an au pair to help with things since XW only wants the boys one week each month over the summer. The judgement says different and I interpret it as all or nothing for summer parenting time. I guess we will see what the parenting coordinator says.

I know the boys miss their mom. I wish there is more I could do to fix things but know that is beyond my control. Still considering moving there, but we are still a long way from making that decision. In the meantime we will see what happens with the payments she now owes. I did find out that whatever laws are in the states are recipricol and can be enforced in Canada and vice versa. So there is no running away from her responsibility from a financial perspective since she made the choice to D.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2744290 05/23/17 05:23 AM
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You continue to amaze me and you are a wonderful father. I feel for your boys, but with your support, I know they will thrive.

in the second grade my daughter's school did a thing called "lunch buddies" once a week they would meet at recess. They were kids of parents of divorce. They talked open and freely about it. It helped my daughter so much. It really helped her to feel like she wasn't the only one and that her struggles with the situation were the same struggles other kids had. Perhaps you can suggest that to the school? it could help your kids and other kids as well.

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Hi J.

I have always read your situation with such heart ache, regarding what those children have had to go through.

I truly do not understand how it is possible that your wife is able to look in the mirror every day. I wonder the same of my ex, but for some reason it feels worse to me when it is a mom. What lies does she have to tell herself daily? I just do not understand and its hard not to judge someone that does not put their children first.

For me, I have chosen to just accept that this is all my ex is capable of offering and I stopped taking it personally. My anger at him for leaving, and for not being a good dad is subsiding. Its just not in him. Instead, I am just so grateful that I am given the opportunity to raise an amazing child the way I like.

My son is actually really cool with the situation. He actually told me he is happy because now when he visits his grandmother, his father takes him out. (My ex did not spend much time with him when we were together) He also was in a "banana splits group" with school and it was really helpful. I also make sure to never allow him to see me angry at his dad. I talk nicely of him but very minimally.

You have been a solid rock for your children. I am glad that things seem to be working out legally in your favor. I am glad that you have stood strong and acted in the children's best interest. You are doing great.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
J5K #2764627 10/07/17 03:53 AM
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Hope things are going well for you, J5K. I've missed reading your updates.

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Hello all!

I know it has been a while since I have posted...the boys have kept me busy and there have been a few ups and downs over the last 6 months. I just wanted to say that we have our new normal now.

I think about all those who have supported me often, know that you are not forgotten. I hope to read more in the future and learn that everyone is living life with joy and happiness each day!


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2767815 11/10/17 12:09 PM
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It's so good to hear from you. I'm relieved to know you and the boys are well. Maybe you will find time to let us know more.

((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
J5K #2769148 11/25/17 10:29 AM
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Thanks for checking in. I'd love to hear more about what you and the boys have been up to these days. Glad that things have settled down for you.

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I hope everyone is well.

Here of some highlights from my last post in May.

4 of the 5 boys are in school. Academically 3 are doing well. S8 struggles and the school has been great in getting help for him. XW still does not have a job and will not pay for tutoring.

S6 and S7 struggle with their behavior at school. S4 was just kicked out of daycare for behavior issues.

The school district has helped in getting a child psychiatrist involved to help S5 and S7.

Of the 5 boys, all will end up on medication of some sort to help. Although it is not my preference, I hope this will help them. XW has agreed to this which is surprising to me.

XW has now learned to call within the window of time agreed to in the judgement. She also continues to speak to me with criticism as if she has a say on what goes on in our daily lives. I just end up politely hanging up most of the time.

She continues to only see the boys once a month. Last fall she saw them only once the weekend before Halloween. Since I have the boys every US Thanksgiving she did not visit them in November or December. She was supposed to have them for 2 weeks this past Christmas break and she said she wanted to be fair so she took them the first week of January. She stated she wanted them from December 23rd through December 29 or 30th, when I said that it would be better if she took them the second week, she agreed and said she would take them from January 1st through the 7th. I brought up that she hasn’t spent a NYE with them in 2 years and her response was I would not let her.

She continues to choose not to work. She is still seeing the same man and goes out and enjoys her life, continues to take vacations, etc while contributing the minimum required for the kids. When I bring up issues and we communicate through the court appointed app her responses continue to be blaming and negative.

I usually ignore and do not respond to those comments.

The boys and I are in a good place, are things perfect, no, but we smile and laugh a lot and I enjoy watching them each develop their own personalities.

The most recent psychiatrist that is working with the boys is very good. I look forward to working with him more to help the boys and myself be the best we can.

The only thing I feel sad about is that I had an amazing person come into my life a year ago and lost an R with a person who the boys were getting attached to. This past year I was in a very dark place and lost perspective of what i truly wanted. I don’t know why I continue to only learn after I lose someone in my life. If it wasn’t for this person I think I would still be in a dark place. I don’t like that I pushed away a person that did everything they could to be kind and supportive to me and my boys. I truly did not want her to be the rebound person.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2775649 01/17/18 05:59 AM
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Good to hear from you. I just told a newcomer about you. He has three adopted kids. Marina 7 is his name, if you see this post he would probably like to hear from you.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I ma glad you are doing well and those boys are lucky to have you and vice versa. You sound so much stronger.

As far as that person...... people come into our lives always with a purpose. It may have been to teach you something, it may have been exactly what you needed at that moment in time...... and if it really is meant to be, you will find your way back to eachother.

Keep fighting the good fight.

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Hi Sandi and Ginger,

Great to hear from you. I will find Marina 7 and see how I can help.

Ginger you are right! She is a beautiful person. I will elaborate more later but as always, if you truly love someone then set them free, let them be happy. Being in an R or M is a choice and we all deserve to be with a person who chooses to be with each one of us.

Funny how life works, this child psychiatrist that the school district found for the boys is amazing. Our last conversation has brought up a lot of feelings that are not necessarily negative but have me thinking about what “I” want to do and need to do for the boys. Of course there are many different ways to handle this. The frustrating part is making the choice.

Jokingly I said, Dr. you are going to tell me to move to Toronto. He said yes, but you don’t have to. Our session ended but I am going back because I am making great progress. He thinks he could have helped save my M if he had known about us 2 to 3 years ago. He had a video session with xW also. We both told the doc the same story. In the end he said what everyone else said, he is sad to see this happen because it is fixable.

He is also happy he is working with me. He thinks I am the more stable one and will coach me on how to best help the boys and balance the co-parenting with xW. He hasn’t read the DB book, but he is solution focused. I know I will need support from him to accept what my reality is and minimize the drama from her. He thinks we have a 25% chance that we will get back together. He cautioned though for me not to have any expectations and to live life and not do anything drastic like give up the boys if I do move there so more to come!


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2776880 01/27/18 01:36 PM
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So the boys are visiting their mom this weekend. I drive them to TO as I am spending the weekend here for work. We exchange at the hotel we are staying at. She does not have car seats in her van. I was surprised and asked where they were as she always talks about safety for the kids. She states that they are at her parent’s house. I stated she knew that she was picking the boys up and could not understand why she did not have car seats for them.

She started to spew because I did not have the padding on the seats I had. Needless to say, I gave her booster seats for the little ones. The exchange was a disaster.

I have been talking to a great psychiatrist and he has helped me a lot. He and I both wish she would speak to him more because the one time he spoke with her he got her to think about things and how she treats me.

I also called tonight at the allotted time to speak to the kids and she did not pick up. Unreal!


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2776950 01/28/18 10:06 AM
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I am relieved that things are a little more settled at least.

Although WW does seem a little same old, same old.

Hugs

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I hope everyone is staying warm. We received 8 inches of snow here!

S8 and S6 are now on medication to help them with their ADHD. Poor guys are tired at certain times of the day. It has helped them focus and listen to adults more. Mis-behaving has decreased at school for them.

XW is upset that 4 of the 5 boys are on meds now. She feels that I did not consider other alternatives. Last week we had a 4 hour conversation, it started with discussing the kids and then rolled into talking about the past. I stood my ground and in the end when I hung up the phone, I felt no guilt or remorse on what I said.

Her contact with the boys is still inconsistent. I am also trying to be more flexible on when she calls. She had not called in 4 days and yesterday she calls at 7:30 pm which is a half an hour after the time agreed in the judgement.

As time has gone on, I think more about how tough the kids are. They totally understand what is going on. S8 said he prefers to stay here instead of moving closer to mom. He said he has cousins and family here. There is not a whole lot of family near mom. His preference is for her to move closer to us.

Psychiatrist is trying to get me in a mindset to move there. He says it will be better for the boys. How do I let go of my ego and execute? When I think about it being better for the boys because they will get to see her more, there are times I am confident with going through with it.

I also think that I overthink things. I think about what xW says or what she will say and I let it get in my head. My initial reaction is it is all talk and lies about her becoming more involved. I don’t even know why I worry about it. I should just focus on knowing I did something good for the boys.

Oh! And one last thing, I keep seeing the silly video of the divorced man on FB and how he has 2 boys and his goal of how to teach them how to be a caring man by doing things for their mother. I feel 99.99% of the D’d population would think that post is not real. Thoughts on this?


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2778330 02/10/18 01:36 AM
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My thoughts are you need a new psychiatrist. One that understands disorders.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I agree with v. Some more opinions from social workers and people that work with kids perhaps, before you uproot them.

I would live in a card board box to be near my son. Her actions are not normal.
Not sure why you want to go put of your way and the kids way to make things easier for her. I know you say its for the kids benefit to be nearer to her. But shes the adult. And had and has choices
But im not a professional that works with children.

I will tell you my MIL went out of her way to shield my ex from what his dad did. Kept telling him his dad was out providing when really he had left. When he came back she denied and lied aboit what was obvious. I feel that the secrecy and enablement regarding bad behavior and marital committment contribited to issues. Because of this i have been forthright with my son. And will continie to be when he gets older. I will not cover up for his bad behavior.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Thanks V and Juju for the input.

I have had 5 or 6 therapists between myself and the boys. Half say it would be better for the kids if we were in the same city. Even xW says that. Yet the thing that really stops me from moving is the fact she chooses not to work. The entire financial burden is on me.

What I like about this person is he makes me see a perspective about her and myself that no other therapist has ever helped me see. It has made me more confident and sure of myself and who I am. Either way, I have time, lease on the condo is not up until the end of the year so for now just going to enjoy the boys.

We went sledding today on a big hill. The boys had a blast, their sleds went so fast even S4 was a daredevil on his sled! I had a smile on my face the whole hour we were out on the hill.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2778458 02/12/18 02:15 AM
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I agree with V and Juju, though you have already addressed their comments. LOL It doesn't make a lot of sense to me that a counselor would urge you to move closer to someone who doesn't seem to make time for their own children. If you move closer, will that change? That is a rhetorical question, by the way, as I know that no one but here actually knows the answer to that. While your children are still pretty young, so you have to make decisions for them, I don't think it hurts to ask their feelings and really hear them. I would be interested to know what the other adults who work closely with your children (teachers, school counselors, etc) think about it. Good luck in whatever you decide. The one thing that seems obvious to me as I read your posts is that you are an awesome dad who works very hard to take care of your kids and to put them first.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
J5K #2778944 02/17/18 06:57 AM
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I don't think things would be easier for you and the boys if you moved to be closer to her. I think it would be less stable and chaotic. She doesn't call regularly. She doesn't maintain the current visitation schedule. She wasn't even prepared for the car exchange last month (no car seats)! I think she would expect you to do even MORE than you already do if you were nearby. I think she would stop by whenever she felt like it and would expect you to go along with whatever she would like. All of this is only my opinion.

Of course, in an ideal world, both parents would live nearby, follow a schedule, and work things out together. Unfortunately, she hasn't shown that she is able to comply with anything like that.

I'm glad the boys are getting the help they need (meds and therapy). It sounds like you've made huge progress with them.

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Jim..... hello I hope you and your boy's are doing well...

Need some advice and anyway I could find you through social media or this will do. You seem to be the one I have in lot in common LBS a WAW and adopted kids.

We go to guardiam ad litem last court date my lawyer did recommend, my kids didn't know I honestly wanted them to talk to her like they do with therapist no pressure or nothing just them tell the truth well W told kids this weekend also showed them a picture and gave them a background of the Guardiam Ad litem telling KIDS she is really nice ya going to like her. Remember she makes the DECISION if I ever see ya again. Yes W told kids this I was shock how can she just tell my kids this.

The question is how do I approach this lawyer when W has gotten her foot in the door first do I go in there and listen or do I just go straight with everything I also don't wanna sound like a bitter xw or a crazy EX. What and how you did it for them to see w behavior w does lots of lying and gaslighting me constantly with me or kids but in person she knows how to manipulate the system or people in general.


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
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Well my internet friends, I hope everyone is strong and doing well.

The boys are making improvements in their behavior. My connection with them is growing yet the path I am going down is still unknown.
Lots of sessions with the psychiatrist and he believes the boys will be better off in Canada. The social healthcare system will support them better than here in the US if anything were to happen with their mental health. He has communicated to me that having this many kids that have already had a lot of trauma in their lives will have issues. Whether they are with her or me, the point he is trying to make is that the support system there will be better for the boys from a healthcare perspective.

With respect to the boys being better off with me or her, this is predicated on one thing, if xW will be able to sit in a room with me and discuss how to co-parent. He is going to have a video conference with her next week. He expects to see certain reactions with her behavior to change. He also will expect her to come to an agreement with negotiations of transitioning the boys and finances. He is well aware of her actions and what she has financially vs. me, then he will make his decision. If he decides that she is not a good fit to raise them then he and I will start discussing plan B.

Boys are spending the weekend with her at her boyfriend's house. She calls him her partner. She is living with him and now she says she is planning to move to a different location. I ask her why she is not working and she says it is none of my business. I try to communicate that it is for the kids and she thinks I am just doing this for the money.

There is no winning in a D. I look at all the things I have in my condo and see waste. All I need is a bed, desk for my computer, couch and some kitchen utensils. Aside from that everything is wasted money. All accumulated in a matter of 5 years that could have been saved for experiences with the family. She wanted a four thousand dollar piano as a decoration in our home. It is now hers and only God knows if she still has it or has sold it.

I am at peace with myself when I have the boys. They are my purpose in life. They say, if you truly love someone, let them go. This is the path I am taking and I pray it is the right choice.

In the meantime, I am on antidepressants which has helped, yet am going through a grieving process he says due to possibly losing the boys. Although I feel defeated, time will heal me and I will move forward.

Happy Easter to all of you and enjoy and cherish the time with your families and loved ones.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2783574 04/01/18 01:43 PM
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Hapoy easter jim.

What do you mean possibly losing the boys? It sounds like you have been great for them.


M: 42
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Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Hi JuJuB,

What I mean is changing the arrangement where the boys will live in Canada with her.

The one point the psychiatrist is making is the social healthcare system in Canada will be more supportive and free, if for some reason the trauma the boys endured prior to us adopting them triggers an issue as they become adolescents.

xW continues to say that she will not be in a room with me. Psychiatrist says if she cannot, then the boys should stay with me.

If she can be in a room with me then we still have negotiating to do on the transition.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
J5K #2794594 06/07/18 05:12 AM
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I think your boys should stay with you regardless if your XH can be in a room with you.

And to move to Canada for their healthcare system?? That's a terrible reason to move. Just because a system is free, does not mean that it is better. I think you're doing great with the services they have now between school and counseling/therapy.

Hope you're all doing well.

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edit - I meant XW smile

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