The Fab 5 and Dad

[JujuB]

I agree with v. Some more opinions from social workers and people that work with kids perhaps, before you uproot them.

I would live in a card board box to be near my son. Her actions are not normal.
Not sure why you want to go put of your way and the kids way to make things easier for her. I know you say its for the kids benefit to be nearer to her. But shes the adult. And had and has choices
But im not a professional that works with children.

I will tell you my MIL went out of her way to shield my ex from what his dad did. Kept telling him his dad was out providing when really he had left. When he came back she denied and lied aboit what was obvious. I feel that the secrecy and enablement regarding bad behavior and marital committment contribited to issues. Because of this i have been forthright with my son. And will continie to be when he gets older. I will not cover up for his bad behavior.

[J5K]

Thanks V and Juju for the input.

I have had 5 or 6 therapists between myself and the boys. Half say it would be better for the kids if we were in the same city. Even xW says that. Yet the thing that really stops me from moving is the fact she chooses not to work. The entire financial burden is on me.

What I like about this person is he makes me see a perspective about her and myself that no other therapist has ever helped me see. It has made me more confident and sure of myself and who I am. Either way, I have time, lease on the condo is not up until the end of the year so for now just going to enjoy the boys.

We went sledding today on a big hill. The boys had a blast, their sleds went so fast even S4 was a daredevil on his sled! I had a smile on my face the whole hour we were out on the hill.

[Dawn70]

I agree with V and Juju, though you have already addressed their comments. LOL It doesn't make a lot of sense to me that a counselor would urge you to move closer to someone who doesn't seem to make time for their own children. If you move closer, will that change? That is a rhetorical question, by the way, as I know that no one but here actually knows the answer to that. While your children are still pretty young, so you have to make decisions for them, I don't think it hurts to ask their feelings and really hear them. I would be interested to know what the other adults who work closely with your children (teachers, school counselors, etc) think about it. Good luck in whatever you decide. The one thing that seems obvious to me as I read your posts is that you are an awesome dad who works very hard to take care of your kids and to put them first.

[dream]

I don't think things would be easier for you and the boys if you moved to be closer to her. I think it would be less stable and chaotic. She doesn't call regularly. She doesn't maintain the current visitation schedule. She wasn't even prepared for the car exchange last month (no car seats)! I think she would expect you to do even MORE than you already do if you were nearby. I think she would stop by whenever she felt like it and would expect you to go along with whatever she would like. All of this is only my opinion.

Of course, in an ideal world, both parents would live nearby, follow a schedule, and work things out together. Unfortunately, she hasn't shown that she is able to comply with anything like that.

I'm glad the boys are getting the help they need (meds and therapy). It sounds like you've made huge progress with them.

[marina7]

Jim..... hello I hope you and your boy's are doing well...

Need some advice and anyway I could find you through social media or this will do. You seem to be the one I have in lot in common LBS a WAW and adopted kids.

We go to guardiam ad litem last court date my lawyer did recommend, my kids didn't know I honestly wanted them to talk to her like they do with therapist no pressure or nothing just them tell the truth well W told kids this weekend also showed them a picture and gave them a background of the Guardiam Ad litem telling KIDS she is really nice ya going to like her. Remember she makes the DECISION if I ever see ya again. Yes W told kids this I was shock how can she just tell my kids this.

The question is how do I approach this lawyer when W has gotten her foot in the door first do I go in there and listen or do I just go straight with everything I also don't wanna sound like a bitter xw or a crazy EX. What and how you did it for them to see w behavior w does lots of lying and gaslighting me constantly with me or kids but in person she knows how to manipulate the system or people in general.

[J5K]

Well my internet friends, I hope everyone is strong and doing well.

The boys are making improvements in their behavior. My connection with them is growing yet the path I am going down is still unknown.
Lots of sessions with the psychiatrist and he believes the boys will be better off in Canada. The social healthcare system will support them better than here in the US if anything were to happen with their mental health. He has communicated to me that having this many kids that have already had a lot of trauma in their lives will have issues. Whether they are with her or me, the point he is trying to make is that the support system there will be better for the boys from a healthcare perspective.

With respect to the boys being better off with me or her, this is predicated on one thing, if xW will be able to sit in a room with me and discuss how to co-parent. He is going to have a video conference with her next week. He expects to see certain reactions with her behavior to change. He also will expect her to come to an agreement with negotiations of transitioning the boys and finances. He is well aware of her actions and what she has financially vs. me, then he will make his decision. If he decides that she is not a good fit to raise them then he and I will start discussing plan B.

Boys are spending the weekend with her at her boyfriend's house. She calls him her partner. She is living with him and now she says she is planning to move to a different location. I ask her why she is not working and she says it is none of my business. I try to communicate that it is for the kids and she thinks I am just doing this for the money.

There is no winning in a D. I look at all the things I have in my condo and see waste. All I need is a bed, desk for my computer, couch and some kitchen utensils. Aside from that everything is wasted money. All accumulated in a matter of 5 years that could have been saved for experiences with the family. She wanted a four thousand dollar piano as a decoration in our home. It is now hers and only God knows if she still has it or has sold it.

I am at peace with myself when I have the boys. They are my purpose in life. They say, if you truly love someone, let them go. This is the path I am taking and I pray it is the right choice.

In the meantime, I am on antidepressants which has helped, yet am going through a grieving process he says due to possibly losing the boys. Although I feel defeated, time will heal me and I will move forward.

Happy Easter to all of you and enjoy and cherish the time with your families and loved ones.

[JujuB]

Hapoy easter jim.

What do you mean possibly losing the boys? It sounds like you have been great for them.

[J5K]

Hi JuJuB,

What I mean is changing the arrangement where the boys will live in Canada with her.

The one point the psychiatrist is making is the social healthcare system in Canada will be more supportive and free, if for some reason the trauma the boys endured prior to us adopting them triggers an issue as they become adolescents.

xW continues to say that she will not be in a room with me. Psychiatrist says if she cannot, then the boys should stay with me.

If she can be in a room with me then we still have negotiating to do on the transition.

[dream]

I think your boys should stay with you regardless if your XH can be in a room with you.

And to move to Canada for their healthcare system?? That's a terrible reason to move. Just because a system is free, does not mean that it is better. I think you're doing great with the services they have now between school and counseling/therapy.

Hope you're all doing well.

[dream]

edit - I meant XW