WAS vs MLC..not sure it really makes a diffence

[skm0619]

Hi skyhigh. Obviously I have not posted lately.

I have been having some really sad days this past week and I just couldn't bring myself to post anything. Nothing new or particular is making me sad it's just those awful mood swings

I did have dinner with a friend recently who I hadn't seen in a while, so that was nice. She and I had a very good talk about my situation, and she confided to me about some very personal issues she has been having as well. After speaking to her I felt better in the sense that I didn't feel alone in my thoughts. She allowed me the freedom to express how I was feeling, and not be scared or judged for saying certain things. I haven't really been able to express some of those things to my other friends, so it was nice to be able to get that out.

The support from everyone here is wonderful....no question about that, but I sometimes feel like reading everyone's sitch makes me more sad. I hate that we are here and having to go through all of this, and I sometimes feel it sets me back.

I don't initiate communication, but neither does my H. The last communication was asking him to check on the dogs and he could only do a half @ss job of that. He left the little one (who just had surgery) in his crate in the dark with no food or water, and was only here to check on him for such a short period of time. After coming home from a 13 hour work day finding the poor dog like that I sent him a text and asked him for the garage remote back. I asked (texted) him to mail it to me so that neither of us would have to see the other. Of course he never responded to the text. He mailed it the next day. Previously when I had asked him to return the garage remote he didn't want to because he said that was his only access to see the dogs. I guess he doesn't care about anything but himself anymore.

I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I received a letter from the court telling me that the D has been dismissed due to not having sufficient enough "evidence" to continue. The papers were filed in May of 2016 and my H never went to see a lawyer or give any kind of response to the court. So now we are back to where we started from.

I just don't understand why a man who makes no contact with me at all, who said he didn't love me for the last 3 years of our marriage, who had a 3 year affair, and has said he wants a D since the day I asked him to leave in November of 2015, has not gone to see a lawyer??? What is he doing?!?!?!?!

[skyhigh]

I totally understand your pain, your sadness and your anger. Trying to make sense of a situation, trying to find a solution but sadly there is nothing you can do when they are in full replay/full anger.

I am glad you were able to talk to a friend and express your feelings and thoughts, it helps to sort them out. I spent 3 hours today listening to a friend who just learned that her boyfriend cheated on her during the last few months of their relationship.

I know sometimes reading all those posts can be depressing but I found some with some success stories, some with piecing in progress, Hawho, bluwave, SM34 ... Reading them help me to make sense of my own struggles.

It's a very long road and the ending is not guarantee. It seems that your WH is totally into his own world and he is getting deeper into it. There is nothing you can do.

The best way I found to deal with that situation was to take small decisions in regards of how I was doing at that very moment.

First try to figure out (not easy), what are his advantages for not filing for a divorce since he doesn't want to have any connection anymore with you, put all the ideas you can have on a paper. Remember they are in limbo but their own interest (selfishness) is the one always driving them, what can be the positive for him not to file (you keep paying the home loan then when you divorce his part will be bigger, you might be forced to pay for half of his business taxes..., he is entitled to half of your retirement so the more he waits.., he can also borrow against the house and then in case of divorce, it becomes common debts...) MLCers need money, a lot of them, it's a common denominator). Or it could be something else, you are the person who knows him the best. Their mind is very twisted so sometimes so you might have to twist your mind to figure out.

Revisit talking with your GP to help you with something or just to have something if you feel you need it.

Keep in touch with your friend.

Ask yourself:
If he contacts me about the dismissal of the divorce, what should I say?
Today do I still want to be his wife?
Am I ready to way for months or even years? If yes what is my deadline: 3 months, 6 months, one year before re- assessing my decision?
What can I accept? What are my boundaries?
During that time what can I do for myself since he won't be around? Establish your GAL plan according to your needs of today! Re-assess later!
Do I still want to wait for him knowing that chances might be slim just to be sure I did everything so I won't have any regrets knowing I have already been very patient and understanding for a while?
Do I want to allow his f... behavior to destroy my sanity? I am worth more than that!
Take control of the situation on your side.

Then make a decision for today and the following weeks (one months a time) and start with baby steps. You might take a decision today and re-assess it in a few weeks and change it fully. It's Ok.

Right now you need to extract yourself from that crazy limbo situation who is destroying your sanity and your health.

[Rouky]

Skm I'm just catching up my up on your situation and skyhigh has nailed it. She has given you a lot of good advice. Put yourself and your needs first. Stop overthinking. I know easier said than done.

[skyhigh]

Take charge! I know how tough and scary it is but you can do it!
I know how painful must be the constant deep stabbing of your heart, how painful is just to think about him, how painful is to imagine him with somebody else...
I know how the feeling of being powerless can drive you totally nuts for hours and days at a time.

That's why on top of GAL you might want to start working on Detaching, it's tough, very tough but the survival of your mind is at stake.

Detaching doesn't mean not having any more feelings but it means you stop having their actions affecting you,. It's not something you can master in a few days, it's more a journey with a few set backs. It's more something like " and so what?" and you move on with no thoughts about it. After a while, it becomes easier and one day you realize you just don't care anymore... you valid their thoughts (you are polite) but simply don't care anymore unless it's really crazy/ not respectful , then that's another story, that's boundaries...

Big hugs, you can do it, it's not easy. Imagine you had a terrible accident , you had major surgeries , spent a few weeks in ICU and, now you need to recover fully . Rehab is your next step, painful, long but at the end the New You.

[skyhigh]

Hope you are feeling a tiny bit better today!

[skm0619]

skyhigh.....I appreciate all of your input so much.

Everyday I felt like I was working on detaching because I was not initiating contact with him and was leaving him to himself. But the more I think about it he is consuming all of my thoughts and that is not detaching. I guess I not doing a good at it at all!!!

I don't want to stop caring about him, but he has definitely stopped caring about me. It is hard for me to think about myself in this process, but I know I have to, otherwise I will never be able to move forward.

It scares me to think that he is not filing for divorce because he is trying to get money out of me somehow, or that he is doing it to be spiteful. I do know that he is hurting financially as I received a piece of mail today for him at the house that stated he had been denied for a loan due to his income being insufficient to manage the total debt.

I am SLOWLY learning that I have major control issues I am working on this everyday and feel that I am making strides. One day at a time. I just wish he could see all of my hard work, but I know that all of this is not for him but for me. I just wish somehow he could see it.

I so appreciate everyone here more then you know

[skyhigh]

Hi,

Detaching is not easy, at the beginning it seems that we have to fight our own instincts of fixing things but little by little it comes. Did you read the thread on it? It's well done.
Also detaching doesn't mean you stop caring or having feeling for him, it means that you are trying not to be affected by his behavior/words and restrain yourself to intervene. You validate but don't give any input.

Detaching is not being cold, it's like you are with a neighbor. Nice but move on.

It took me a long time to understand and really apply it, it's so difficult when you are so hurt.

Try to care for yourself, set up small goals, I know it's easier to say than to do, I remember when my thoughts were all about him, OW and the future of my marriage. I was obsessed.
What do you do as GAL activities?

Allow yourself to cry if it makes you feel better, your world has been changed against your own will and there is nothing you can do about your relationship with your husband right now, he is in full limbo.

Financially, may be should consult a lawyer to have a better picture of what could happen to you if he doesn't pay his debts?

Does he know that you stopped the divorce?
If yes, how did he react?
If no, do you have the intention to inform him?
If you have the intention to inform him, how do you think you might do it
Do you intent to forward the mail to him?
Do you still keep him inform about your healing dog?

Just a few questions going through my mind, sometimes it's not easy to process information and questions when we are in heat of the situation?

I am sure you changed, if you are on this forum, it's because you want to understand what is going on and also your mind is open to change.

I, personally changed, I changed things I used to do that he didn't like but also I changed as a person.

We cannot go through that terrible experience without reflecting on ourselves and changing who we are.

Big hug to you and I hope that your dog is doing better, I am glad you have them to keep you company.

[skm0619]

Detaching is not easy and it goes against everything that feels natural for a relationship that is in trouble. I have read the thread on it and there is a lot of good info on it.

I am learning that what I need to do is care for myself and put myself first. I have good days where that is so easy to do, but it seems there are more days when that seems impossible. The obsessive thoughts are unbelievable sometimes. How can one person consume so much of my thinking?? I am still having days where the crying is endless but I am okay with that.

I agree with the comment that "my life has been changed against my will and there is nothing I can do about it." This is where I am learning that my control is an issue. I have found that learning to let go of things has been a good thing, and I see that making the conscious decision to not try and control stuff really does benefit me in the long run.

For my GAL activities I am starting to make choices that get me out of the house more often. I know I have not done a good job of this previously, but all I can do is keep doing it.

As far as the mail thing....he told me that he changed all the addresses for mail that he wanted/needed to get. But I do still get some important mail (car registration, loan application denials) for him at the house so he obviously hasn't really taken care of it. Moving forward maybe I will start writing "not at this address" and put it back in the outgoing mail.

I would be lying if I said I was not concerned about him not having paid his quarterly taxes for 2016 and how it might affect me. If it becomes an issue then we will definitely have to have a conversation about it. Hopefully he will be mature enough to have that conversation if it in fact does go there. He doesn't respond to text messages so I can not imagine him really wanting to have THAT conversation.

As far as his other debts....when I spoke to my lawyer he said I should not be responsible for those because they are not in my name and they were established after we were separated. If he is unable to pay them and the credit card and loan company really want there money (which they usually do) then they can definitely come after me.

The last time I spoke to him in November I told him that I was planning on filing a non suit on the D because it was not something I ever wanted in the first place, so he is aware that was my intentions. I can only assume that he was made aware by the court as I was of the dismissal of it.

As far as our sweet little dog....I took him for his 2 week follow up today and he is doing well. I did send a text to my H after the appt to inform him that the dog is doing good, but I have absolutely no expectations that I will get any response from him.

I want to change who I am, and I will change who I am. Unfortunately this has shown me things about myself I don't like and only I can make those changes. I do still find myself becoming angry quite easily and that is something I don't like about myself. I never thought of myself as an angry person before all of this happened. I can only hope that this anger comes from all of my hurt and once that hurt has resolved so too will the anger.

[skyhigh]

Detaching takes time, it's an internal struggle, it took me time to find the right balance. Even today I have to remind myself "validate, don't give your opinion... or just something very neutral if asked".

Being angry is normal, you have been the victim of the ultimate treason, your husband had an affair, he justified his affair by blaming you... I was angry to a point that some days I was going to practice my serve or play against the ball machine just to let my anger out thinking the balls were his face and her. I am still sometimes when I think about what he did and how he behaved.

About those obsessive thoughts, as you can experience they come by waves, usually they are triggered by a thought, an object, a place... What I find for me the best to lower them was to take some AD (Wellbutrin XL) for just a few months, that medication is usually used to help people to stop smoking. Not only it lowered those thoughts but since my mind was more "free", helping with GAL.

Again GAL doesn't mean you have to be out , going to gym or party all the time, it's more about caring about your own interests and slowly rebuilding your life without him while thinking about what changes you want to make in your life.
For the financial point of view, be very careful, may be you should ask your lawyer what you can do? There are so many variables. His creditors can ask to put a lien on your house (if it is marital property) and then ask it to be auctioned. I don't want to scare you but it's not something to put aside. I remembered the first time I met with my lawyer, I was at rock bottom but I wanted to protect my kids to the best I could.
Glad to know your little dog is doing well.

Take care I am to go to work.

One day at a time...

[skm0619]

I had a great time out with my friend last night, did some girly things and then headed home. She always has some interesting things to say to me in regard to my H and how he is treating me.

I mentioned to her that when I do send texts to him, which is rare, it is only about the dog and his recovery, or if I need help watching them while I'm working because frankly we don't have anything to talk about anymore. I have noticed that he will usually wait at minimum 24 hours to respond to a text, if he even does at all. NOW, this is a man who doesn't go to the bathroom without his phone so I know he gets my message. She made the comment that he is purposefully and intentionally making the choice NOT to answer me because he can, and because he knows I am waiting for his response. Not really sure why after hearing her say it did it make sense to me that she is right.

So this morning I woke up, got ready for work and sent him a text that said "the purposeful, conscious and blatant choice that you are making to not answer texts about the dogs is something I am trying to understand, the sad thing is that your choice to do that is really only hurting them and that makes it hard for me to understand." WELL, wouldn't you know....2 minutes later he answered that text saying he would like to help out with the dogs. I can honestly say that I made the conscious effort NOT to answer his message (I know immature) for 5 hours. Gave an excuse of being at work and being too busy with really sick patients, not having time to eat and etc. 20 minutes later he answers and says "don't forget to eat dinner."

Now while all of this is so trivial in the grand scheme of things it just pisses me off that he acts that way!!!!

Sorry just needed to vent.

Yes, one day at a time