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Originally Posted By: MrBond

You said you read DR. If you did, you would see that just because there is another person or even a divorce, you still can change it. The point is whether or not you want to. You seem like the very "matter of fact" type of person. Your M can still be saved. You just have to want to make the changes.

Now I want to stress that your actions are not to blame for your H seeking someone else, but if you want to save your relationship, YOU have to be the one to change.


Mr. Bond...not meaning to hijack, but...

I have read the DR book and am struggling with the whole...how am I going to save my M when it is imminent that we are going to be divorced in the near future and she doesn't want to fix our M. I am becoming a better version of myself for me and my children, but should I embrace the D as something that she has to complete (as our original M is dead anyway)? Should I do what I said I would never do and totally let her go? That seems to be the advice mostly found on here...drop the rope and don't be afraid of losing them. Totally counter intuitive, but seems that I have no choice in the matter. Not to mention that it is totally against my moral views...I hope and pray this is the right thing for me to do.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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skm0619 Offline OP
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Mr Bond......

Let me say that a lot of what you are saying is true, and I acknowledge my faults in my M, and I have no doubt that I did things to make my H feel that I didn't love him or need him.....no question about that. Could I have done things differently, absolutely. The sad part for me is that I wish he felt like he could have communicated his feelings to me, other then by shutting down or choosing to have an affair.

As far as being the type that likes to be in control...there is definitely truth to that as well. I think that all of us have some need to want to be able to control certain aspects of our lives. That is why this process is challenging because I only have control of myself in this. I am choosing to make better choices and can hope that those choices can help me to become a better version of me.

I am a very "matter of fact" type of person. Is that a good or bad thing, I'm not really sure? I am learning who I am as I go along this journey and definitely hope that I am able to look back at things and see how I have changed for the better.

If I am honest, and that is really the only way I know how to be, I was a bit taken back by everything that you said to me (nice big 2x4). Why, probably because there is a lot of truth in all of it and it struck a nerve. As I go through this process...as painful as it is to have someone point out your faults to you smile....it is not done to hurt me, but to help me.

One thing I know for certain though is that I will never take responsibility for his infidelity, he made that choice.

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Hi I hope your dog's surgery went well.

It's sad he didn't contact you back but it's typical of MLCer behavior while they are in limbo, their priorities become different. They are distancing themselves from their loved ones. It's hurts but sadly it's "the norm", their norm.

Just keep him informed in a very formal manner, facts no emotions, it might help him to get in touch with you without "being afraid" of any emotional pressure. I know you just want him to be just informed but remember their mind is in full limbo, we are "the reason of their unhappiness', and they want to avoid at all any emotional/pressure conversations. They have a strong tendency to interpret and twist anything the wrong way. So what I found the best is being polite/formal as if you were dealing with your boss and writing/reporting an event for a formal report being read later on by the C.E.O.

It seems you are more in control of the journey imposed to you by him.

I know how sharp is the pain in your heart, how it takes sometimes the breath away, how it can also numb you. So don't get mad at yourself we went through that, some days are better than others. But once you get in charge (making decisions you decide not you were forced to take) and get your mind busy, you will notice that you will be looking at your own situation and the critical thinking will take over the emotional thinking.
Did you read the excellent description of the different phases of MLC by Conway or by Heart Blessings (their writings made me understand exactly what to expect, what to do and what not to do)?

Big hugs to you and my best wishes for your dog,


Me 52+ WH 57+
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The reason why I was able to determine your personality is because mysel and the other vets have seen many like you before. The issue is that you seem to believe that because he's with another woman you can't try. That's not what DBing is all about. You STILL make those changes but you learn to make them to make you better. Start learning how to compliment rather than criticize. Start learning how to communicate better with others. Start sharing responsibilities and not controlling.

It doesn't matter that he's not there. It's how my W came back.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Skyhigh.....
Thanks for asking about my dog. He tore his ACL and had to have it repaired. Surgery went well, so now we are on the road to recovery. It will be a long road but we will make it smile

I finally did hear from my H about the dog MANY hours later. For me it was like why bother responding after that length of time. I know that it doesn't take 10 hours to write 3 lines in a text message. This is a man who doesn't go to the bathroom without his phone so I know he got the message much earlier. I am learning that his head is in such a weird place right now and he doesn't know if he is up or down. I also know that he has no idea how to respond to me. I am taking your advice about keeping him informed on a formal level. I did let him know after surgery things went well with his dog, but again no reply and it has been more then 15 hours since I sent that text frown Before I would have sent him a text spewing all kinds of negative things, accusing him of not caring and saying mean things to him and blah blah blah. Now, I am having no expectations from him. That is the only way for me to not allow myself to get into that head space.

I like what you said about once I start making decisions on my own and not ones I was forced to make that things will start to look different. I am trying to really let things go...it is hard, but I'm trying. I am also trying not to have any expectations because that only sets me up for heartache.

I did read the description by Hearts Blessing about the MLC, but I am going to go and read it again.

Mr Bond.....
I am making changes to make me better. This is a difficult and challenging process to go through and I am allowing myself to make mistakes along the way. I think that is the only way I will really learn what is best for me.

What I am also learning is that initially my intentions were to do what I thought I needed to do in order to get my H back and make my marriage better. But what I found along the way was that even though the communication between my H and I is very rare, mostly non existent, I can still work on me. It is a foreign concept to me, and it will take me time and I am giving myself that time.

I am slowly learning that it doesn't matter that he isn't here.

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Sorry about the puppy operation. I too was left with the pets. She says that her landlord won't allow them...by them, I mean 3 dogs and 2 cats. I am not a cat person, but she and my two youngest had to have them...now they are my responsibility. Two of our dogs are 15 plus and sure to have big bills soon, and one of them is the size of a horse and eats like one. Her parents never allowed her to have pets as a child and told her once she married she could have all she wanted...haha, now she leaves them with someone she knows will take care of them while she leaves him behind. While I am a bit frustrated by it, I love my dogs...the cats, not so much, but I tolerate them for my kids.

Originally Posted By: skm0619


I like what you said about once I start making decisions on my own and not ones I was forced to make that things will start to look different. I am trying to really let things go...it is hard, but I'm trying. I am also trying not to have any expectations because that only sets me up for heartache.



That is the hardest thing for me as well...switching my mindset from the we to the me. I have done things for 25 years for the married couple we were.

Originally Posted By: skm0619


What I am also learning is that initially my intentions were to do what I thought I needed to do in order to get my H back and make my marriage better. But what I found along the way was that even though the communication between my H and I is very rare, mostly non existent, I can still work on me. It is a foreign concept to me, and it will take me time and I am giving myself that time.

I am slowly learning that it doesn't matter that he isn't here.


Your last line really spoke to me...it doesn't matter that she isn't here. I'd like it if she was, but I am strong enough to handle what life throws at me. With her or without her I will be who God wants me to be.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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SKM

Seen your post about social media on SBJ's thread. Its quite normal for them to do that as a sort of validation, they feel if they can get 10 'likes' its just confirmation that what they are doing is right all along which is contrary to that little voice they continuously try to hush as they run deeper and deeper into the tunnel.

My MLC'r blocked me moons ago which was probably the best thing she could have done for me, I would highly recommend any LBS'r who has someone in MLC to block them on social media as its very much like snooping and we all know what happens there .... best to let them go cray cray on their own and save that wasted energy and apply it to something much more constructive.


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"I am slowly learning that it doesn't matter that he isn't here."

Good. And how can you speed that along? YOu have to start believing it.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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I totally agree with you, that's a challenging and difficult process. I took me a few months to master the "Zen attitude" a.k.a. detaching. It's a tough road and making mistakes is part of it, we are human, we are learning from them.

At first, those thoughts were so obsessing, I remember that I couldn't think about something else (I had so many oops.. my brain was down the drain) but I thought I could deal with them (PTSD, silly me)... the college visits and the applications were around the corner so one day after I just couldn't take it anymore (crying, sobbing, not be able to function as a "normal" mom) I made an appointment with my GP and asked him to help me (while crying), he prescribed Wellbutrin (6 months) and Ambien (1 month), they worked very well, finally I was able to let it go for a few hours... and be more outgoing and sleep. I am off from them.

It's good that you are starting to have no expectations from him because sincerely while they are in limbo, they are "different". It doesn't mean he won't keep hurting you emotionally from time to time, but if you have no expectations, the hurt will go down tiny bit by tiny bit.

Something crossed my mind, it's just an idea, may be you can keep him updated once or twice a week about your dog, add a picture... just to keep some kind of connection with no pressure. Sometimes pictures are better than words. Don't expect any answer, but he will know that you are still "caring" for his feeling but without requesting anything, something like being the "lighthouse". Again that's just an idea.

Avoid spewing at all cost (that's the toughest), it reinforces the thought they were right about what they did, it validates their actions. It makes them running away even faster. And if they are ambivalent they will be leaning on the other side. Negative points for us.

Don't expect him to express any remorses or regrets anytime soon, it might take years... men usually don't express feelings or remorses verbally but more through their actions.

Courage, you are stronger than you think. Believe in yourself even if right now you are full of doubt, anger and sadness.


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I actually had a good day today. I think it was the first day that I didn't cry or shed a tear in a while. PROGRESS smile

CaliGuy:
Thank you for posting. I agree with you on the social media postings, and their need for validation. My H used to post very frequently on all the sites prior to his affair. I can remember one incident where I was going to have surgery and he posted on his FB about "getting ready to go to surgery" and he got all these comments wishing him well etc. Everyone thought it was him having the procedure because he MADE it all about him. Just another way for H to validate how he thinks that what he is doing is the right thing, and because they don't know how to get what they need from themselves so they need others to give it to them.

SBJ:
I am feeling good about how I am doing right now, but I know that I am going to have my set backs and days where I feel weak....no question about that. I just hope that with all the support I keep getting from everyone here that it will help me get through the tough days. I know that we are both struggling, but I also know that we are strong. I read a quote today that said “you never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have.”

As far as my dogs....I honestly don't think I could have made it through this past year without them. As I have mentioned, I don't have children so these two are my kids smile They gave me companionship and they did not allow me to feel lonely when I was alone.

Mr Bond:
It has been over a year since I found out about the OW. I know for some, that may seem like a long time, but for me it is still a very vivid moment that feels like it just happened yesterday. For me to finally start to come to the realization that "it doesn't matter that he isn't here" is still early for me. I can feel some of the old me coming back, as well as some happiness. So I guess you could say that I am "starting to believe it." I just have such a hard time with the fact that he makes no effort to communicate with me. It is as if I never existed.

Skyhigh:
I always appreciate and look forward to your comments to me. I appreciate your suggestions on how to handle certain situations. I agree that I need to be the one to keep him in the loop about the dog. I know that he enjoys hearing about them, and I know that he is sad about the whole surgery situation. I also know that he wants to help me with them he just doesn't know how to do that. I just wish he would make some effort to check on them. Prior to my leaving for 6 weeks he would come and check on them while I was at work often. Now that I am back he has not made any effort.

I did feel pretty good with myself that I managed to keep it together and not send a text spewing how I felt about how he was acting. When ever we would speak I always managed to get in there what a piece of sh*t I thought he was, or that all of my hurt and anger was his fault or I would berate him for the affair. After I did that I would feel awful about it. That is not who I am and DO NOT want to go back to that place ever again. I remember him telling me that e never knew I had "so much venom inside of me."

I am a strong person and I forgot how strong I really was because this whole situation has really knocked me on my ASS!!

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