WAS vs MLC..not sure it really makes a diffence

[job]

I agree w/Blu. You came off sounding like his mother or someone in authority. MLCers don't respond back very quickly. It could take them days, even weeks to respond back. Why? Because they are out there doing their thing and don't want to be bother w/"mom or dad". Your expectation level of your MLCer is far too high. Lower it because you are dealing w/a man/child. Lower it because you and the kids, sad to say, are not number one on his radar right now.

You've just validated his excuse for leaving you. Don't give him any more justifications for what he's doing. If you do nothing else this weekend, go back and re-read the responses to your postings and start educating yourself more on MLC. Do what works and leave the rest behind. If you get the urge to text him, come here first and run the text by us. We've been where you are at and know what may or may not work.

[Sotto]

Yes, I agree with the wise advice of others, and I'm sorry if you felt a sting from the 2x4. It is difficult to receive feedback sometimes - but sometimes the things we find hardest to hear are the very things we need to hear...((((hugs))))

Now then, do remember that you and your H are two separate individuals. How and whether he responds is up to him. And (importantly) his type of response and non-response needn't influence how you interact with him. If you notice above - you are effectively saying - well, he did this and so I....

Actually, you can choose to respond constructively and with grace whatever he may do. Equally, you can choose not to initiate contact with him. You can already (hopefully) see that the last interaction didn't further your cause - but a single interaction never made or broke chances of possible reconciliation.

I agree that your expectations of him seem far to high. If you can get those down to minimal or none - you won't be disappointed - and who knows you may get the occasional pleasant surprise.

Last thing I would say is - if you feel driven by emotion and want to post something to him - maybe post it here and wait for some feedback before you contact him. For a while, my emails were carefully crafted and edited by helpful DBers. But as time went on I got into my groove and didn't need that any more...I became mistress of the constructive, upbeat and minimal response...

Take care and hope you have a nice weekend xx

[HaWho]

You've already been given excellent advice so all I wanted to suggest, on the heels of Sotto's superb advice, is to consider implementthing the 24 hour rule.

This means, when you want to say something/write something back, sit on it for 24 hours. As Sotto said, consider asking for advice on a response. But, slowing things down is key. This enables you to respond vs. react. It gives you time to cool down and teach yourself to think along the lines of "what is my goal here? What do I want to accomplish?"

Now, I know that you wanted him to understand how you were thinking. And that would be all great stuff if you were dealing with a normal person. But you are not, unfortunately. This is where reading about MLC and depression comes into play. As you are experiencing, people in depression can't handle their own emotions never mind another person's. It's stressful and overwhelming to them. The smallest things cause them circuit overload. It's not an act, it's real. Sadly, it is up to to find other outlets for getting out those emotions.

I am 2 years 3 months post BD and I still go back to re-read info on MLC and depression. And I did go through a "run of the mill" depression myself so, if you've gone through one, I can promise you depression is real.

Keep moving forward and stay positive.

[skyhigh]

Skm,

Not the best message but I understand when the frustration reaches a certain point, it's extremely difficult to hold it. I have been guilty of it too at the beginning and the results were always very explosive on his part, I had to apologize to calm him down (he used to say "I cannot live that way anymore...and was using my messages to justify his behavior again..), I apologized while in my head I was spewing, but my main goal was to stop him from running farther away and bring back the situation to a more "normal" level of communication.

So what did I learn from it?
They are extremely sensitive to any critics or complains.
There have no interest at all in our feelings and our complains or nagging "as they call it", just reinforce their decision. So I stopped talking about my feelings and focused more about being respected.
If i had something not nice to say, it was most probably better not to say it. Unless I didn't care anymore about our relationship. I deleted a few messages.

You got some great pieces of advice already. I will add those to ask yourself:
What is the objective/goal of my message?
Are the words I used neutral or might be interpreted in another way?
Is it really necessary to send it? Is it going to help my situation in any way or make it worst?
Do not you use YOU when writing a complain, it's way too personal.


Re read the threads on:
detachment
pursuit and distance

Please learn to DETACH, you are detaching not for him but for your own sake.
Detaching doesn't mean you are not caring or loving him anymore but you are not affected by his words or actions the same way, so de facto the situation becomes calmer, more manageable.

[SBJ]

Haven't heard from you in a while...just checking on you.

[skm0619]

Hey SBJ, thanks for checking on me.

I have purposefully not come here to post recently. The last post I made I got a HUGE 2x4 and I'm sure it was needed, but I think it went a bit too far. I feel as if we come here for support and encouragement. I unfortunately did not feel that after the 2x4. I also know that we will make mistakes along the way and if I remember correctly we should pick ourselves up and do better, and that is what I am trying to do.

Nothing has changed in my sitch. I still do not hear from my H, and I do not make any sort of contact with him. I don't expect to hear from him either.

I wonder if all of this is really what I want to continue to do. I know I still have a lot of work to do on me. Honestly I have been doing all of this work in hopes that he would come back, but how is that going to happen when we have no contact? What I do know after re-reading the responses to my posts is that all of this work should be for me and not H. Because otherwise what really is the point of all of this. My H is not living in reality and I don't know that he ever will. I have to let him go through this on his own. I just hope that he can figure things out.

I have said in the past that if he wants the D then he can file, so I will continue to wait and see what happens from that standpoint.

I hope you are finding some peace in your sitch. It sounds like your W is like my H living in a fantasy world. Will they ever come out, who knows?

[SBJ]

Sorry you having a hard time of things. I think detachment is the key for us. It is hard and I still have moments, but it is getting better. We will make mistakes along the road and can only try to do better along the way.

It has been said many times on here that it is up to you to decide when you are done standing. You have to decide if he's worth the fight. If he is, then you know what to do. If your hurt outweighs your love, then you have some decisions to make.

At this point in their journey we have been forgotten or at least all of our good times together have been. When and if they ever come out of this, we will be their only source of those true memories. Both good and bad. (Paraphrased from AmyC).

I pray that your path gets easier. God Bless!

[skyhigh]

I am really sorry you felt those those posts as "too much".

They were trying to help you, to give you advice (guidelines) for your future messages. They care for you, they were worried, they were just trying to help you not to push him further away.

I didn't find them offensive but helpful. I know by experience if you express your true feelings to the MLCers, usually it does not go very well with them, even when you are piecing, you still need to be very careful about the words being used, yesterday I had to hold myself a few times, but I knew if I was going to say what I had in my mind, it was going to be a disaster, so I asked myself "Is it worth the fight we might have after?".

You are doing that work on you for YOU not for HIM, the main goal is for you to be able to rebuild your life through that terrible phase you are going through right now. By working on detaching, your reactions to his behavior won't affect you the same which makes the relationship between the two of you less explosive while still having feeling for him.

Even if I am in the piecing phase with my husband, he is still very "touchy", but somehow it doesn't bother me that much anymore since I am detached, I do care for him but I know I can be ME even without him.

I know it's tough for you not to have any contact with him, but did you think about sending him a message to apologize about being so "straightforward of him", it doesn't mean you mean it but it could be a way to reopen the line of communication again between the two of you. I did that a few times, just to calm down the situation, I was fuming inside but it worked. I felt like a doormat but I was successful to stop him to run further away from me and reconsider his position, Psysara did the same a few times.

Don't try to put a timeline on his MLC, there is no way to know when they might come out of it.

Care for yourself, I know it's painful and some days are worst than others.

One day at a time, tell yourself he doesn't define me, I am not the cause of his MLC and I am going to show him what he is losing.

Remember don't beg, don't nag, don't engage in any R talks, those are big No No. MLCers hate pressure and "negative talks". That's a very special game we need to play in order to stay in, it's not fair for us but our options are very limited.

Big Hug and hope this coming week will be a better one.

[skm0619]

Hello Skyhigh....

Let me start off by saying I know that those 2x4s are meant as a way to "wake us up" and are not meant to be offensive, and I'm sure I did get told what I needed to hear, I just felt it was too much. With that said I am not going to focus on it any longer.

This is where I am trying to decide if I can or should continue to stand for my M. I have not seen this man since November and I have not spoken to him since the first of January. He does not initiate contact AT ALL. I am the one who sends the texts and they are usually about the dogs. Now I love my dogs and they are my children, but honestly do I really need to continue contact with him about dogs? He says he wants to know how they are doing, so then why doesn't he send a text and ask?

I did think about sending him a text to apologize for my earlier message that I sent him, but have no clue what I would say. I sent that text to him 2 weeks ago so I'm sure he has long since forgotten about it.

He continues to ignore the bigger things like taxes and other financial issues. He has since taken out another loan, which I can only assume is to pay off his large debt.

I know that him cheating during out marriage doesn't define who I am. I have been on my own for 14 months and don't need him to make sure I survive because I have done it for this long. I was the bread winner in the relationship. Since he has been gone my financial status as actually improved because he is not here to continue to be selfish with his choices to want to spend money.

Someone last week at my work asked me "what are you waiting for" in regard to the D. Sometimes I wonder that myself? How much longer can I continue to play this game with him when I am the only one who is willing to play?

He abandoned me, walked away for our marriage and everything that comes with that. Does he really deserve me?

[skyhigh]

May be you are playing/putting with that game because at the end if you end up filing for divorce somehow you will be sure that you tried everything to salvage that marriage and it will make it "easier" to move on without having that nagging feeling "may be I should have tried that ... or gave him more time".

How much longer, only you can answer that question. It really depends of each individual, I know that a few months ago, at one point I gave myself a dateline and decided if no progress were made I was going to file. I was willing to be a lighthouse but not forever and with boundaries, but some don't mind waiting for a few years. It's a very personal decision, there is no right or wrong answer.

Does he deserve you? Sincerely I don't think so, his behavior shows a complete lack of respect toward you, he is in full replay, until something cracks his fantasy land, he will keep going.
You deserve a loving/caring companion, you have been very patient.

May be realizing that you are really moving on, is going to wake him up from his fantasy land. Who knows? Again there is no guarantee.

May be you are his back up plan if suddenly he needs "monetary help", that's why he didn't file. MLCers are very manipulative and selfish. Who knows?


That's only my opinion in regard of your question, and only you can decide until when you are willing to wait, only you can decide how much you can bear, only you can decide when enough is enough.

That's a journey, a tough one, we are mourning the marriage we thought we had, we need time to process our emotions and make up our mind about our decisions.

What do you feel is the best for YOU, for your own sake?

There is no wrong or right answer, the best answer is the one you feel is the one you can live with, the one that satisfy your mental sake the best, because at one point you deserve to be in peace with.