I have already posted in the Newcomers section, but thought maybe I would try over here as well. Initially I thought that my H was a WAS, but after reading posts and "speaking" to several of you I now feel that he is definitely a MLCer. Not sure if it really makes a difference how I chose to continue, but it was a light bulb moment for me.
Briefly......I've been married to my husband for 10 years. I found out on November 2015 that H had been having an affair for the past 3 years of our marriage.
He states that he only had sex with the AP once, but they continued an EA for a total of 3 years. On BD I asked my husband to leave the house and he has been out since. He has been very distant for the most part, not answering phone calls, texts, etc and has mentioned several times he wanted a divorce but would never file papers. After waiting for some hope, and there wasn't any, I ended up filing for divorce in May 2016.
In June of 2016 he agreed to go to a very intensive marriage retreat for couples of infidelity. After the 3 days were over he looked at me and said "I finally get it" and was really making a lot of effort to reconcile with me (phone calls, texts, doing what he said he would do, showing affection etc). I was very guarded but hopeful. He told me he still wanted me in his life everyday and still loved me. Things were going well. We were participating in weekly phone calls with our recovery group and I was starting to let my guard down. About a month into reconciling he stated he could see old patterns and decided that he did could not commit to the process any longer. He has yet to do anything on his part in regard to the D. Has not had any IC.
The last time we spoke was the end of November and I told him I regretted filing and that I do not want the divorce. I told him that I still love him because he is my husband and I don't know how to turn that off. I had not told him ILY for a long time.
I recently bought the DB/DR books and have finished both of them I acknowledge that I could have made better choices in my marriage, and could have been a better wife, and that likely contributed to him seeking out what he needed elsewhere. His reason for the affair was because I didn't need him enough and I didn't love him enough.
Looking back now on things that have happened since the BD, and also thinking about things he has done prior, this is a MLC.
BEFORE BD: - working out was his highest priority - making sure he had the "right label" on at all times - when he turned 40 4 years ago (which is the year he started the affair) he was on social media a lot and ended all posts with "its only a number" - hanging out with people who are 10-15 years younger then he is, which I can only suspect is to make him feel younger
AFTER BD: - He has moved into a rental home that is the exact same floor plan of our home...seems odd to me - bought a brand new truck - has racked up a significant amount of debt in the year - has had insufficient funds on several occasions - is not being responsible when it comes to taxes (owns his own business and has not paid quarterly taxes this year) - keeps himself really busy so that he doesn't have to stop because then that would force him to see what he has done
As a grown man his family, mostly his parents, have a significant hold on him and also still have control of decisions he makes. They have told him that they are not upset by his affair, they just want him to "move on" from this. We briefly tried to reconcile in June and when he let his mother know her response was "she needs to know that this is for her benefit only, and nothing else." His uncle told him "I hope you make the right decision" and when his father learned I had filed he said "make sure and take her for everything she has"
Anyway.....I could go on forever and no one wants that, especially not me. I look forward to hearing from those of you who have words of wisdom.
hello - i'm very sorry you are here, but you are among an amazing group of people. please keep posting and know that you are not alone. Job or Cadet will post homework for you soon. It's all information that will be extremely helpful to you as you navigate these waters. xoxoxo hugs
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I am very sorry that you are here. Whether he is a WAS or MLCer, the things that we do here would be the same, i.e., give them space and time. No ILYs, no relationship talks, etc.
Do you have separate accounts? If not, you may want to think about that, as well as your credit cards. If you are hesitant to separate your accounts, then you will need to keep a very close eye on them. You also may want to think about doing a credit report to make sure you don't have additional debt that is tied to you. If you are paying a mortgage, you may want to check to ensure that he hasn't taken a loan out against your home. Yes, they can and some of them will do these things and you do not want the creditors to come calling or knocking at your door w/their hands out for money. Protect yourself financially. For now, this is a business deal that has gone south.
Sounds like your h never grew up totally. He was most likely stunted emotionally at a young age either by one of his parents or another authority figure. In fact, it appears that his parents are still controlling him. He's rebelling in some ways and unfortunately, for now, you are going to be the target until he figures things out.
Listen, it's not your fault if he went out there and had an affair. He had choices and he made the wrong choice. He was an adult and should have come to you and talked about how he was feeling and then the two of you could have worked on whatever the issues were. No, don't take on that burden of feeling guilty about what he did. That is on him.
For now, work on you, keep the focus on you and continue moving forward. If he contacts you, you can be civil/friendly. Let him do the talking, listen and validate. No relationship talks unless he brings them up and if you aren't happy to hear what he has to say, then reply "I'm sorry you feel that way" and either change the subject or cut the conversation short. Don't be readily available to him. Go on w/your life as if he isn't coming back.
As for the comments from his family, consider the source because blood is always thicker than water...but you need to take care of you and not think about how they see things. This is between you and your h, not his family...again, protect yourself financially because your h isn't going to do it for you.
Please continue to post, we have a wonderful group here and we are all in this together. Some are further up the path and others are just starting out, but no matter where you are on your path, we will be here to listen, validate, offer advice and even give a few 2X4s every once in a while.
Keep the focus on you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
skm0619...glad to see you post on this side of the wall...alot of good advice on here from all of the vets. I am still very new to this also, but I am trying my hardest to adhere to all of what I am told.
It is exactly backwards to what I thought one should do, but it was said to me to do what works, not what I think should work.
Hope you have a good last few days of 2016...
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Just checking in...didn't see you post anything yesterday and I was hoping that things were going well for you. I hope the last two days of 2016 go smoothly. May you have a Happy New Year!!!
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Hey SBJ..thanks for checking in, that means a lot to me that even during your tough times you manage to think of others, to me that speaks volumes about you as a person
I have been doing my homework and reading the threads recommended. I had a decent last two days, tried to stay busy or GAL. I of course still and will have moments of sadness, and I honestly don't expect those to stop anytime soon, but I am learning to deal with them.
I have just finished taking 6 weeks off of work to try and do some soul searching, and to try to get my head screwed back on straight. Obviously I have not been in the best frame of mind and it was starting to have an effect on my job. Tomorrow I will head back to work and I am actually looking forward to it.
I hope you are doing well. I'm sure like me you are taking things one day at a time.
My hope for us is that the last few days of 2016 are good to us.
Yes, we do have separate accounts. He finally closed his account (which was also in my name) last week. I was upset by that because he was not managing his money well and I did not want it to have an impact on me. Like I mentioned he has racked up a large amount of debt since separating, but all of it is in his name. But my concern is that he can not make payments then do I become responsible. He did not have any debt prior to the separation.
I have always paid the mortgage (both names are on the house). I make quite a bit more then he does financially and I do think that has always been an issue for him. I can remember one conversation after we were separated where he said he likes knowing that he can take care of things financially all on his own. But what he doesn't see is that really is not reality as he has managed to get himself into debt. He has never really had a good concept of money, his parents paid for everything for him up until he moved over to be with me. They still continue to help him financially even to this day as a 44 year old man.
As far as contact with him...he does not initiate any communication with me at all. If I text him about something he makes sure to wait as long as he can until he replies....so immature. And, when he does he is very brief and to the point.
I will never take responsibility for his choosing to have the affair. What I do take responsibility for is my actions during our marriage. I know I could have done things different and even better for that matter. But I can not change that now. What is so hard is that he never communicated with me how he felt. He just walked away and never even tried to make things better between the two of us and THAT is what is so hard for me. And, that is what keeps me in this place I am in. He abandoned me and our marriage. It is like it never really meant anything to him. He even told me that he didn't love me the last 3 years of our marriage....that really hurt me.
He is from England and when his family would come visit us in the states I tried to do whatever I could to make them feel at home and make them feel that my home was there home. They never reached out to me during this and like I mentioned earlier have made some nasty comments about me. He listens so much to them when it comes to making decisions and that is a difficult place for a wife to be. He doesn't know how to make this about me and him....he makes sure to tell his parents and sibling about things that really are none of their business. His parents even told him to lie to other family members about why we were separated. I like to refer to him as a "manchild"
Luckily I do not need him financially. I do have a concern when it comes to taxes. I guess I will just have to wait and see.
I am really trying to focus on me....it is one of the hardest things I have had to do (as crazy as that sounds). I so appreciate everyone here and all the knowledge they have to share. It is a very comforting thing knowing I can come here and have people support me.
You need to consult a lawyer to know exactly what are the rules in your state. Debts in a marriage are common debts until you file for separation or for divorce. Don't wait! Job is right be very careful about the money, MLCers have a tendency to spend and borrow a lot of money, remember in case of divorce he will get half of your house and he can also borrow money against it. His creditors can ask to put a lien on the house to be reimbursed if that's the only money available, did you think about that, that's why may be he doesn't mind accumulating debts because at the end, there is money somewhere... I don't want to scare you but to make you aware of certain things.
I know how painful it is when your husband tell you he doesn't love you, that's what mine told me in front of his OW1 (a mutual friend and his supposed soulmate) when I caught him, I will never forget that moment. It still hurts even she has been long gone.
Right now you are still longing for him and you are hurt because you are full of questions with no answers. Even if he comes back you might have no answers or just some trickle truths.
Don't put your life on hold for him, he is not putting his for you.
Live, laugh, cry, relax, look to the future you cannot change the past, stop letting him be in control of your life even when he doesn't want to be a part of it right now. It doesn't mean you don't have feelings for him or are sad about what happened but it means you are become actor of your life and stop being his "victim".
Sorry for the 2 X 4! It's something my friends did to me and my kids too. My daughter told me "Dad is an idiot, stop crying about him, he doesn't deserve it, you are great, you are beautiful, you have us, make him see what he is losing, live your life, he doesn't define you or us". It was a wake up call, not really the words I expected but she was so right. Somebody is by himself upstairs, the kids are with me downstairs and we are having a great time, who is the loser...
Engage in activities you like or new ones, you need to have your mind busy with something that will bring you some "endorphins". I know it is easier to say than to do but give it a try, I tried yoga after delaying it for many months (my friends laughed at the idea of me on a mat doing very slow moves and meditating, I am a very competitive single tennis player... guess what I loved it. Now my son wants to go with me, since Djokovic does it, he is a senior. It seems mom got her GAL.
So Skm0619, I hope I didn't offend you but I talked to you as if I was talking to my best friend, that's also the way my friends who went though that very difficult journey talked to me, they lifted me back to the top step by step (with a few glasses of wine and endless conversations), they comforted me in their arms while I was crying and sobbing. We celebrated together our positive moments, we made new memories without them, we had fun, we created a new life for only us, something our ex or still husbands will never be able to take away from us or destroy. We "are".
I wish you from the bottom of my heart a Good Year 2017.
Life is a journey, and sometimes you might be surprised to find new doors you were not aware of, open them and something new might be behind them. Keep you mind open, trust God, follow his sights. Something also I didn't expect during that journey, I was afraid of losing my faith, I didn't it went stronger, I realized God is showing us the road but we have to been willing to open our mind to his sights.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
I acknowledge that I could have made better choices in my marriage, and could have been a better wife, and that likely contributed to him seeking out what he needed elsewhere. His reason for the affair was because I didn't need him enough and I didn't love him enough. 