Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #2

[Surfer]

WW spoiling for a fight all day

NEVER, EVER, EVER take the bait. You are facilitating this matey. STOP!

NEVER TAKE THE BAIT. You know what she is doing.

she was laughing my my face.

Damn right she was!!!!

She's trying to manipulate me

No sh!t Sherlock! You even understand this and you know what you SHOULD do!!

I SHOULD know better. I knew even as it was happening.

Get a grip. Windsor Davies. Look through her at these times, not at her. Don't focus on her. Listen, but don't feel her emotions. Windsor Davies! "Oh Dear, How Sad, Never Mind". Got it!! You need to become an impenetrable shield. Why, because:

1 - She will continue to hurt you
2 - She will continue to hurt your children
3 - You will dominate communication as she spews (she is only trying to take control as she feels weak)
4 - You deserve respect, this is disrespectful manipulation

Again:

Get a grip. Windsor Davies. Look through her at these times, not at her. Don't focus on her. Listen, but don't feel her emotions. Windsor Davies! "Oh Dear, How Sad, Never Mind". Got it!! You need to become an impenetrable shield. If needs be, validate, but lightly. Windsor does this, "Oh Dear, How Sad". You do it by saying that seems tricky, I believe you etc (only).

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Okay. Fired early and hadn't read everything.

Don't fret about the MBR row. Your D will remember of course. You must STOP all arguing in front of the kids. They learn how to interact from this.

Here is my prediction, your sitch follows mine so closely. Your W will eventually leave your house and take your kids (Me), possible vs she may get a shock and stay (see Sandi).

I do believe your W is abusive. Have you read the book on abuse yet? It may be physical, it may be FOO - frankly who gives a sh!t. It is what it is. My W's is FOO and potentially physical IMHO.

Fact is women who do this do it gradually but escalating quickly from the point they think they have your b@lls and you will never leave. It happens to good guys. I know you are a good guy also you are NOT a pu$$y. You are a good guy. Its her problem. Basically, it is very, very unlikely she will ever change. Sorry - read the book....

Right now, separate all finances. Hand her over to the OM and walk the fcuk away is my view - in your mind. You could actually do it, but like you, I couldn't because my kids were scared. Now, looking back at the point you are in, the thing that damages most is the arguing in front of the kids. If it is not possible to stop them hear M start to shout then exit, you must NEVER react (let them remember only her). Got to bed earlier etc. In time if they talk, they will talk about M's shouting. Don't let them remember yours. If it does not happen ever again, they can't remember it.

W will try and goad you into physical abuse. You must not EVER take this bait. I have had this. The good thing about good guys is we don't hit women. The Verbally Abusive Woman preys on this security. It's win, win. She will escalate until the point she hits you or she goads you to do the same. My W got Physical then left. I never did. I couldn't.

You must walk at first sight of her picking a fight. Go to bed at 9pm, go for a run, a drive etc.

Another warning, my W used to encourage me to drink (not bottles of whiskey but get a few in with friends). She did this so my guard was not rock solid. I would do what you did, I engaged. I learned quickly.

There are some dark days ahead mate. Sorry, but be prepared. Your armour is STFU. That's it.

Problem is, my W found an account in her name (rest tied down), with a lot of money in it (an ISA I set up for her, again tax efficient), she took that and ran. Okay not ideal, but I can handle that. See the abuse 'for the kids' stopped. For me it goes on. But with the book on abuse and other learning, I have more skills that Pele on acid!!! I am slowly going to close down the manipulation. V is amazing at this!!! She has has a much crazier WS than me and is a total genius on this. I am very much still learning. But she has helped me so much (V - if you are reading this - thank you so much!).

You must learn to control all reactions. Mindfulness apps are great for this right now for you. Try Headspace and Calm there are others. They cost nothing.

Listen brother. I am steps ahead but have had a very similar journey (they are never the same). Know this, its all about how you conduct you for you and the kids. I will paste a recent message on my post for you to read. To give you hope.

Keep it tight. YOU - do it for your D and SS (he has seen this all his life I bet! - poor lad). You owe it to him too.

Final point. You DID NOT CAUSE THIS!!! You really, really did not. I can not express this strongly enough. Also, you will NEVER cure her. Only she can. She probably won't IMHO. The reason I believe this is that you clearly apologise for your own outbursts. Does she???

Final, final point. If she smokes the odd spliff. Most likely so do you. Don't. No excessive drink and no drugs are a total No NO. Even a spliff will bring a grumpy down at some point and you will be tempted to spew. Same with hangovers. She can.

Keep a record of everything too. One that can be relied on in court if needs be.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Stop seeing problems. "The main problem is".

Solutions.

Surfer.

[PatientMan]

Woke_Up,

You have GOT to detach. What do you know about this process?

-PM

[cbtdad]

Patricia Evans, who is an expert on Verbally Abusive behavior and wrote many books, says that in her experience she has never seen a woman who is verbally abusive change.
I am a verbally abusive man and controlling person. My marriage may not make it because of it. But I've worked very hard on me and my issues, but it's going to be a lifelong effort to work on this. It's something that was engrained in me over time when I was younger.
I think it's best you detach and do your best to move forward.
I know that's really tough, but it may be best I believe.

[Surfer]

Cbtdad echoes what I am saying.

Look, we are all verbally abusive at times IMHO. However, if you are able to say I am sorry and mean it and, hopefully, not repeat the abuse (telling you W 'she is wrong', 'you don't mean that', calling names etc), you are not abusive. Abuse is systematic covert or over but constant. If your W struggles to, or never, apologises then she is most likely abusive and sadly she may never change. The book I pointed you towards is Patricia Evan's. Learn to cope with her for now, strengthen yourself and DO NOT ENGAGE.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It's not your fault. In many ways it's not hers either. Someone else damaged that little girl in your W. Try and be as kind and sympathetic as you can but do not get on the crazy train.

If it helps, you are not alone. I have lived this and a, still living this, it gets better but it's not yet amazing. It will be however, for I control my own happiness. You control yours too....

Just be as strong as you can be for your D and SS and don't expose them to any animosity at all if you can.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Have you read about projection? It might help.

Surfer.

[Woke_Up]

Final, final point. If she smokes the odd spliff. Most likely so do you. Don't. No excessive drink and no drugs are a total No NO.

Surfer - thanks mate. You've written loads and I will digest and get back to you. Really appreciate it all.

I thought I'd answer this point though - as most of my contracts are in the rail industry, with he ever present possibility of a random drug & alcohol test, I can confidently say there are no drugs of any type for me. Weed is the worst and it stays in your system the longest. I would never jeopardise my ability to provide for my family. I'm not holier than though, I have dabbled in the past, but this is now. I barely even get to crack a beer these days.

Cheers

[Woke_Up]

If your W struggles to, or never, apologises then she is most likely abusive and sadly she may never change.
Surfer.

This is her. Even yesterday when I asked her to apologise for the unfounded rapist comments, she thought I was talking about the EA and said she won't apologise, she won't be forced to apologise, she will only do it for herself.... which is rarely.

You're right. Someone once told me that behavioural personalities are set by teh time someone is 5 years old. Not sure if this is true, but I do know that growing up her father was controlling, mentally abusive to her mother, and mentally and physically abusive to her - she was the one tat always stood up to him, and therefore always took the beatings.

When I met her, she was 12 months out of a cr@ppy co-dependent R, and still not over it. She pretty much hated men while still wanting me. I guess this is where my rescuer personality came in. Thought I could prove to her that not all men are a-holes. You're right. She is damaged from before. It is not her fault. I do not know if she would even acknowledge it as damage. She says her childhood made her stronger, the person she is today, who takes no cr@p.

I have the book you mention, I'm waiting to get into it. The irony of actually being in this situation and having virtually no private time to do any reading. I'm back at work on Tuesday, with plenty of train time for my reading.

[Woke_Up]

Stop seeing problems. "The main problem is".

Solutions.

Surfer.

Rumbled. Gotcha. Thanks for assisting the clarity mate.