Not sure where I am so no title!

[Altair]

COly- hi!
He's a man. If he wants to sit in silence next to you in the cinema-- go!
(also he is a british man lol)

[Coly23]

Lol Altair! Let's go a step further, he's breathing that should be enough!

I was reading on an old thread by goodattitudegirl who was trying to reconnect with her XH and it was suggested to her that outings to the cinema should be relegated to friends and couples who are already in a relationship. I can see where they are coming from. When me and H were together we loved going to the cinema. He would often hold my hand or put his arm around me but now it is way to uncomfortable. The last time we went we went he literally didn't know what to do with his hands he was so awkward.

Anyway, still have the lurgy but hoping I will feel better by tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to a Saturday night out!

[Altair]

That's interesting. For me, the cinema is not intimate, but dinner is. so, ok!

[AndrewP]

Hi Coly23! Just popping by as I make my way around.

You'll have to fill us in on how the film was. Enjoy it, laugh if there is something to laugh at, sigh if it is sad. Be present in the moment. I'm glad that you and your H are seeming to be getting to know each other again. You have both changed in this journey, you perhaps more than you realize.

I'm proud of you.

[Coly23]

Journaling - I think my night out with H went well. I was going to get the train to his part of town but he offered to pick me up and put away all the Crimbo decks at the same time. H parked his car outside his flat and then we walked down into town and had some nice Thai food.

During the evening I noticed that H only had one alcoholic drink and when I asked him if he wanted another one he said he couldn't because he was driving me home! No way did I expect him to take me home and I insisted that I could make my own way back so after the restaurant we went to a pub for a few drinks.

We talked about lots of things including work and D and he told me he would like to come with us when D has her interview for college this Saturday. Neither of us actually need to be there as she is going in on her own but I am taking her so strange that he wants to come along too.

PURSUING ALERT!
During our conversation I mentioned to H that I wanted to take D on holiday after her final exams and that I was thinking about my Sister's apartment in Spain. For some reason my mouth wasn't connecting to my brain at the time and I asked if things go ok between us if he would like to come along and he said..... YES!

Anyway, I'm not going to tell D and I'm not building up my hopes too much either. We will still go if he decides he doesn't want to.

After the pub H was not happy about me getting the train home even though I insisted I was a big girl and I could take care of myself and insted suggested I got a taxi. He even insisted on giving me the fare which I refused to take but he wouldn't let me go until I took it. All very strange!

Happy Sunday everyone!

[roist]

Hey Coly.

I believe people should work towards a better M rather than away from a bad one. I should post thatto myself as lately I am not doing so.

Most people focus on what they don't want in their M and don't focus on what they do want. By focusing on what you don't want that gets emphasised and more present. So focusing on improvements is healthier.

That being said ye are not working on improving your M together.Your H has not committed to that yet. So please reread the threads here about pursuit and distancing.

I am glad H is making steps in the right direction. I hope that continues.

Best wishes

[Coly23]

Hi Roist, thank you for your comments.

You are right H hasn't recommitted to the marriage but he has agreed to work on our relationship which I hope in turn will help us to rebuild a better marriage. I've read many piecing posts where both parties have recommitted to the marriage too quickly, with all the expectations that come with that, without first rebuilding their relationship and with not good results which is what I am trying to avoid. It may not be everyone's cup of tea because he hasn't begged to come home etc but I'm not expecting that.

With the distancer and pursuer dynamic I don't think this works in all relationships and I'm sure it's something that we are supposed to avoid with an MLC'er rather than encourage? With my H he seems to mirror my actions. The more I distance he distances so I know this doesn't work for me. I know I ask him to do a lot of things however if he didn't want to do it and kept saying no then I would stop as continuing would be pursuing for certain. However I'm still giving him lots of space which I hope will help. It's all trial and error at the moment but I know for certain that I'm in a much better place than I was a couple of months ago.

I did have a quick catch up on your sitch but will have a proper read shortly.

Hope everyone is doing well....

[roist]

Yes it is about doing what works.

The distancing dynamic is a complicated one. In most cases once the lbs distances the WAS becomes distant.TThe lbs perceives this as not working do pursues again. IMO the lbs often does this too soon and the WAS has not had the time to assimilate that the lbs could be moving away from them. I am not saying that this is the case for you but is something I noticed in newcomers.

I am happy things are improving between you and you are enjoying rebuilding a R. I worry about your expectations still. You interpret all his baby steps as meaning he is walking a separate path but towards reconciliation. Yes it's a possibility but not a fact. I urge you to really work on reducing your expectations. Otherwise they will get the better of you. Plus each time he veers away from those expectations you get upset and let him know. Lately your H has reacted rather well to this guidance but too much pressure will make him bolt.

With my two warnings in mind, maybe you are on the right path. I liked your last reply. It showed reflection, logic and understanding. Keep on going.

Best wishes

[BluWave]

Hello Coly!

I am glad to read that your H is coming around and willing to work on your M. He seems consistent in his actions, which is great.

I can't help but wonder how you feel about not addressing the way he picked up and left with no explanation? That was very hurtful and confusing for you. Is there any part of you that feels as if you are letting him off the hook too easy? He now knows he can leave and just come back. Does he understand the hurt he caused you and D?

I am not suggesting you bring this up now or do anything about it. I am more thinking about your heart and how to honor/protect it, as he is coming back into your life. If this doesn't get addressed, my fear is that your resentment will begin to resurface.

Blu

[Coly23]

Hi Blu, great to hear from you again!

You are right that we need to address his leaving but he told me at NY that he isn't ready to talk about it yet so I guess I have to respect that.

He is coming over more often. For example he asked if he could join me in taking D to her college interview after which we had brunch together. He also asked to come over on Tuesday to go with me to D's information evening at school and then to grab a bite to eat afterwards. I can see a slow change in him but I still don't trust him 100%. Last week he texted me every night because he couldn't come over due to work but I still feel I spin when I don't see or hear from him. I'm trying to give him space and not push him but it is getting harder as my patience is starting to wear thin.

I know it's only been since the start of the new year that he agreed for us to work on our relationship but where I have been working on it since December last year it seems like a lifetime. IDK, I feel so scared all the time that he might be just stringing me along. Time will tell....