A.P., perhaps use one of those giant bands they use for yoga/physical therapy. I had one of those break once during an exercise and it slapped me quite hard right in the face. I, too, will be home (alone) for NYE. Well, my chances of getting killed by a drunk driver are greatly reduced!!
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Pinn, Happy New Year to you too! Sometimes I can't see the wood for the trees when there are positives in my sich. D keeps reminding me that we are so much further along than even a month ago. I think I am just tired of not knowing what H is thinking that's what drags me down so badly. Anyway not had an update from you for a while....
Rose, I try so hard to think of life without H and I know myself and D will be just fine, I just don't want to think this is the only option I have to accept. I've accepted my Sister's invitation but I had a huge fight with D as she wants to spend it with her friends. I'm now going to stay sober so I can her pick her up from her friends house. Bleh!
Altair, he is going over to his friends house to spend it with their family. I told him I was hurt that he decided to do this. I know I have fallen if the DB wagon big time but more about that later! As far as I'm aware he hasn't gone to IC and he is not the type to do so either.
AP, I like the prunes idea! I can't imagine how much harder this must be for you and others who have been married for so many years. Sotto made this point a few posts back. You and Altair say you will be alone for NYE but actually I feel that this is what I should be doing too. The only reason why I am going to my Sister's is because D has insisted (part if the fight we had yesterday) but really all I want to do is stick two fingers up to this year so I've nothing to celebrate.
Journaling - me H and D have all had a falling out albeit by text with H. I'm finding I am having less and less patience these days and I think it's because I am just so tired of this all. D has told H she never wants to see him again because he has decided to spend NY with someone else's family. I know she said the out of a bit of teenage selfishness because she wants to be with her friends but feels guilty about leaving me on my own even though I am happy to be alone. She feels that if he was here she wouldn't have to worry about me and that is why I have had to accept my Sister's invitation.
I threw a few truth darts at H yesterday and I don't feel guilty about it. I'm fed up of tiptoeing around him and being so nice and accommodating. D even told me to stop treating him like a princess!
Bttfly was talking about having intentions for 2017 rather that resolutions. I think my intention for 2017 is too stop being so nice!
Anyway, let's see what excitement the NY brings and if H decides to turn up in NY day it will be interesting!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly23 - Your comment about your D reminded me of something out of my own past that I've not shared here before. Feel free to share this with your D if you like.
My Mother and I were always close. I felt that she was the glue that held our family together. Around the time she turned 60 though she stopped spending time with us, spending time with some friends who she called her "new family" (longer story redacted). I was quite upset about this but never made a fuss and let her live her new life. A few years later she was diagnosed with colon cancer and died a week or so later. My W pushed me quite hard to go and see her on her death-bed but I refused saying that she had cut me out of her life and that if she wanted to talk to me she only had to call and that I felt that "death-bed reconciliations" were too fake.
Some years later when my D24 was perhaps D16 I confronted her once saying that if she kept pushing me away I would let her go. We are still quite close.
After BD1 and before I found out about the affair, W mentioned to me that one thing she was scared of was me abandoning her like I had my mother. I told her that no - my mother had walked away from us and that I had let her go. W got very thoughtful after that.
I think about the parallels with my mother leaving my life and my W leaving quite often and it always makes me sad. In both cases I let them go and still feel that it was the right thing to do. My mother never came back. I promised my W that I would not abandon her - but when does the time come to know that she's indeed gone? I struggle a lot with that especially since she continues to maintain connections to me.
So - what I'm trying to say in my usual long-winded story-telling way is that even though your D is angry at H and even though he has chosen to walk his own path that she should keep a part of her heart ready to accept him back if he does return.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I am sorry to read that you had such a tough time for the end of year. Not sure if this is a 2x4 or what but IMO your resentment, frustrationsnd disappointment are all related to your expectations. You want things to go a certain way and when they don't you are upset.
I understand this . I truly do, but it is not helping you. Expect him to be distant.Expect him to not want to be a couple. Expect him to be like this for a long time. If you manage to have low or no expectations of him, you cannot be disappointed by him. So assuming you can achieve this, what are you going to do differently to live your life?
Lashing out at him may feel good but will it help you? Leave him be and let him come to you.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Expect him to be distant.Expect him to not want to be a couple. Expect him to be like this for a long time. If you manage to have low or no expectations of him, you cannot be disappointed by him. So assuming you can achieve this, what are you going to do differently to live your life?
I for one am sure that we all have higher expectations than our spouses can live up to...maybe that is our problem with the relationship as a whole. We want to be a couple with the person that we said our vows to, but somewhere along the way, their wires got crossed and led to their confusion. I am also trying to keep low to no expectations, but I realize that it is extremely difficult. Seeing posts of our spouses out having a good time w/o us is hard...at least to me, but I am trying to sink it in my head that she is trying to relive her lost youth and find something she feels was missing.
We need to re-find ourselves...the people that we put on hold for our significant others. I saw a quote on New Years Day from Tony Robbins...he said Decide who you will become, what you will give, and how you will live. Gave me some food for thought. I like who I am and what I have been able to achieve, but as with everything else, there is always room for improvement.
God Bless!
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Not feeling well today. It should have been my first day back at work but I've caught the lurgy that's been going around my family.
AP, I'm sorry about your relationship with your Mum, that must have been very hard for you and also very courageous of you to share such a painful part of your life with us. It surprises me though that your W was aware of this but still chose to leave.
D apologised to H on NY Eve morning and everything was all ironed out in the end. I think she just gets her knickers in a twist (as do I!) sometimes especially when things aren't working in her favour so she blames everything and everyone else!
Roist, I am finding it hard to keep my expectations in check your are right. I'm not doing so well with this detachment stuff either because basically I realise I don't want to detach or maybe I'm just not ready as yet. No lashing out won't help me but sometimes it gets so overwhelming I can't stop myself. That's why I don't think I am ready to detach.
SBJ, thanks for visiting my thread. It is hard to see that our WS's want a life without. However in my sitch I am slowly starting to find out that my H isn't out having lots of fun as I thought. Apparently he spent NY Eve playing Monopoly with our married friends and their 8 year old son! My 16 year old had a much more rock 'n' roll evening than he did!
So H came over on NY's day and we walked down to the local pub for lunch. He then stayed the night (again in the spare room) and we all had breakfast the next day. He was very helpful around the house.
Still not sure where I am at the moment. We are meeting up in his City for dinner on Saturday so we'll see how that goes....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hi Coly, thanks for stopping by my thread. I will catch up on yours. From what I gathered so far, you feel yourself in a state of limbo, similar to what I felt myself about 4 years ago, except you have more interactions with you H because of your D16. Hang in there… Go with the flow for the moment. You can always change your mind, you know… Sorry, I cannot provide more feedback until I read your story.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Coly23 - I was thinking about you today as I sat with a bread-stick watching the river (actually a cup of hot cocoa and snow IRL).
Others may not agree and you might not agree either but I think that you and D16 are doing absolutely fabulous. Think about it. You are a great team who have reinforced and strengthened each other. You have stood up for yourselves and found yourselves. As a result (IMO) your H has at least woken up a bit and realized what a fabulous family that he has. He's engaging with you and you are really not making not a lot of demands on him. He gets to come and go, sleeps in a separate room (I know how painful that can be) and is rediscovering you and D16 all over again.
Big thumbs up! Just don't get cocky now though. There's still a long way to go. Hopefully his IC sessions are helping him and perhaps in a few months you two (or you three) might be able to work together on rebuilding the bonds between you all.
Oh - and before job whacks ME with a 2X4 "no expectations".
((((Coly23))))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hey AP, thank you so much for your encouragement! I also realise that I may not be the greatest DB'er and I can often hear the tuts of frustration on here when the things I do go against DB principles!
However, it may not be evident but I have learned a lot since being on this forum. I've learned to let things go when in the past I have hung on to disagreements and sulked - for days! I've learned that i look for sympathy in a passive aggressive sort of way and that makes me look weak an whinny. I've learned that I was brought up with parents who are codependent and I recreated that in my own marriage. I think recognising these amongst other things I've learned about myself since BD and avoiding repeating them has helped me to get to this stage with H. I'm by no means saying that I have found the magic bullet to save my marriage but had I not found the tools on here to examine my own personality traits I would be stil making the same mistakes and would have pushed H further away.
AP you are right in saying that myself and D make a great team, the relationship between us is much stronger than it has ever been. It's also great that we can work together to be the lighthouse for H and although there have been few bumps and potholes along the way when one of us has a meltdown we always manage to regroup and carry on. To be honest with you I am surprised at how patient H has been with us!
I know I've got to stop myself sometimes from demanding too much at this stage, it's hard but sometimes I forget we are separated and those expectations creep in again!
Journaling - H suggested going to the cinema again on Saturday for the hundredth time! I know H loves the cinema but I don't think it's a good idea at this stage of the game. The last time we went we met in the car park, sat in silence in the dark for a few hours and then went our separate ways. It was very disappointing! I've suggested to go for dinner instead and he has agreed. My D said the cinema is what kids her age do when they go on a first date!
I'm hoping this cold I have will have gone by Saturday although it has been complicated by a sore ear due to the pressure caused by a short flight I took today. I feel like George Bailey from A Wonderful Life - not my sore ear!!!
Hope everyone is doing okay today!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
