Seasons greatings one and all! I hope you all did something yesterday that gave you some enjoyment.
Sorry long post alert again!
Journaling - Well I have had a busy week. H came over early on Tuesday morning for D's birthday with her presents and to decorate her birthday cake. He then took us out to lunch and helped me decorate the house for D's party. After that not a peep from him. We had arranged for him to come over Christmas Eve for dinner and a sleepover (spare room) and i expected him to drop me a text to confirm arrangements and also ask how D's birthday party went. As you all know D has been grounded in the past due to her parties but I got nothing!!
In the end I texted him on Friday because I wanted to let him know that my Sister's MIL sadly passed away early that miring. He knew her well and he was very sad. Then I got annoyed with him after he didn't respond to my follow up text in which I asked him to let me know what days he was free after Christmas to do family stuff. Eventually he came back and apologised for not responding sooner as he was driving. I said I was looking forward to Christmas Eve and he said he was too but can we not have any major R discussions! I have never done this except for my melt down a few weeks ago so that got my heckles up straight away!
So to cut a long story short on Christmas Eve before he came over we unfortunately had a bit of an argument over text. He said he would be over at 6.00pm when originally he said late afternoon. I was hoping to eat at 6.00pm. I accused him of treating us like friends he is just fitting around his life and that as his family he needed to treat us with a bit more respect. Apparently he said he was wrapping presents and making Christmas crackers to bring over for Christmas Eve and did I think he was just sitting in a pub enjoying himself! I told him as far as I was aware he could have just been sitting in a pub as I don't know what goes on in his new secretive life! I also very un-DBingly told him that we were doing 'all of this' like allowing him to stay over and spend Christmas Eve and morning with us to make it easier for him to come back. I expected spew but all I got from him was okay but lets just have a nice time.
Despite out little text argument we had a fantastic Christmas Eve. H brought wine and breakfast stuff and homemade crackers. We played board games before and after dinner and then watched a Christmas movie. It was very strange when H went to sleep in the spare room and we both felt a bit awkward but it was ok. The next morning I took him in a cup of tea and wished him happy Christmas with a kiss. He then came into my bedroom and stretched out on his side of the bed whilst D opened her stocking presents. After that we went into the living room and D gave out the presents from under the tree. I wasn't expecting much from H but he spent quite a lot of money on both me and D.
After present opening he made us breakfast and we then got ready to go to our respective families. Before that my Mum called to wish me and asked to speak with H as well which was really nice. I asked H if he would drop me off at my Sister's house and he was happy to. I also took the risk of asking if he had time to pop in and say hello to my sister and her family and he said he didn't think he had time but when we got there BIL was in the drive so he felt he should get our and speak to him. He then went in and wished my Sister and her four year old twins who were really happy to see there uncle. It's the first time any of my family have seen or spoken to him since May.
I did also ask if he would like to stay again and he said yes he would. I am seeing very small baby steps. We are all becoming much more comfortable with each o[/s][s][i][/i]ther and I'm not so afraid of his reactions anymore. I know I'm not good at this DB stuff so I await your 2x4s!
Oh and we are all going to the cinema tomorrow, Tuesday, and then having takeout...
Last edited by job; 12/26/1606:14 AM. Reason: Added the link to the previous thread
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hi Coly, I'm glad you guys managed to have a reasonably nice Xmas. Do remember that many MLCers do peek out over the holidays and then tend to duck away again once the holidays have passed.
No 2x4 from me - well maybe a small fluffy one. I think in your situation it is best to sit back and let him come to you. Much like sitting quietly when trying not to spook a wild animal. When you see him, you seem to want to tie him in to the next engagement. Can you sit back and let him come to you when he wishes? I think it would be a great scenario if you genuinely had plans sometimes when he wanted to see you...
It isn't a great dynamic if the MLCer can always find you right where they left you. Whilst it may feel less comfortable for you, it is actually better to be moving on independently with your life.
I hope this helps, and do remember not to have any expectations....
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
No 2X4's from me because you already know what you did and shouldn't have done. I do want to point out one thing...He told you he didn't want to talk about the relationship and that got your hackles up. You have to understand, he doesn't want to think about the relationship right now. Learn to respect his wishes when he says he doesn't want to do something. This is his journey to take and unfortunately, you weren't invited on it, nor do you want to be on it w/him. This is all about him, not you.
So, here's my advice, keep your expectations to zero. You are expecting him to be the man who lived under the same roof w/you...he's not. He's got issues that he needs to resolve and he can't do that if you are "expecting" him to be a certain way. Learn to accept him for who he is today.
Coly, your biggest enemy right now is fear. You are allowing fear to drive your emotions and you are clutching on to that rope too tightly. Drop the rope a bit. I don't see him going anywhere, but he will get tired of the "expectatios" that you are putting on him to be there as a family member.
Give him some space. How can he miss him wife, family and home if he's there all of the time? You come across as very insecure and needy. You have to find a way to become more self confident, independent and drop the fear of losing him. Just remember, the more you push, the more he'll go the other way.
Find things that you and your daughter can do together this holiday season. Make some new traditions that the two of you can share. Please, please, give your h some space.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Coly, I am glad you had a nice Christmas! I think job said it perfectly, so I will add a big DITTO to that.
H is still giving you the gift of time; take this gift and use it! Learn to grow from this, and become that strong, confident, and independent woman you want to be. Then, then you can decide if this is the M you want. .... Hmmm, I smell a New Year's Resolution for Coly :-)
Trust me, doing this work on yourself while piecing is much harder!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Glad that your x-mas was decent! Sotto, Job and Blu have given you some great advice... try and follow it. No expectations! Once you can get to that point, you are in good shape.
Sotto, thank you for making the 2x4 fluffy! Yep, I know I am being very needy, but the thing is, H is starting to losen up and relax around me so it seems the more we see each other the better it gets but I take on board what you say about him coming to me. I know it's been said to me quite a few times but I can't stop organising things! It stops me from spinning and at the moment I'm trying to avoid that as much as possible and it's working.
Job, H got my heckles up because I usually avoid having R talks with him especially face to face so I didn't feel he was justified in his request to not have R talks when he came over because I wouldn't do that. I know it's not as long as some but I did go NC for seven weeks and I don't really think I can do that again. Just writing it is making me feel sick and bringing all those emotions back.
Blu, I'm trying really hard to be independent and on the whole I'm not doing a bad job. For example H noticed that a towel rail in the bathroom had come off the wall and brought tools to fix it back on when he came over on Christmas Eve. I didn't ask him to do this but he was suprised to see that I had already attempted, although unsuccessfully, to fix it myself! He tried and couldn't do it either!
Thanks Pinn! Trying to not have expectations but not doing very well!
IDK. I don't force him to do any of these things. He is actually agreeing willingly. When he has stuff on he says no and I don't push him but if he is available he always says yes. We had also agreed to do lots of family stuff around Christmas so maybe I need to wait until after The holiday season to pull back a bit.
Thank you all. I know you are looking out for me and I appreciate it. This is just so hard....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly - while it's great that he's willing to come when invited, I guess my question is: what would he do if you did not initiate contact at all? And what would you do/how would you react?
My guess is he would stumble around in the dark and figure things out. Same as you would do. I think you may both need that.
If I may do so, you perhaps think you're growing closer but until you see what he does when not invited, you don't really know that.
Wishing you all the best in 2017!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Your h stated that he didn't want to have relationship talks w/you because he doesn't want to get your hopes up. I give the man credit for telling you in advance. Well, you may not think he was justified in stating that to you, but to him, he was giving you a heads up that it was time to spend together and enjoy the holiday...not discuss relationships.
You are going to do what you think is right for you, but right now, I would step back a bit and not invite him to do a lot of things w/you. Yes, you feel so much better when he's right there...but it's the holidays and no one knows if he'll be one of those MLCers that really step back after the holidays. It's not his job to make you happy and tamp down your insecurity at the moment. It's up to you to find ways to tamp down that insecurity and yes, dig deep within you to find that happiness.
I know you want him home and he knows it too. As long as you are accommodating, he's going to have his cake and eat it too. Why would he even consider changing anything in his life if you are going to so willing to pretzel yourself to have him along w/you. I know you both agreed to do family stuff around Christmas, but that doesn't mean a majority of the time. He needs his space, just as you need yours. You need to figure out how to become stronger and less needy.
Dbing is all about you and learning about yourself, how to deal w/what life dishes out and to know when to step back and not be pushy or demanding. It also teaches us to lower our expectations of others (sometimes our expectations are set too high).
I know that I sound harsh, but you need to find ways to deal w/that insecurity and neediness. They aren't appealing. What is appealing is a self-assured, confident, independent person who can be happy w/themselves on their own and not need someone to fill up their self confidence kibble bowl.
Coly, you give great advice to others, it's now time to step outside your comfort zone and practice some of what you've suggested to others. I know you are scared, but Coly, you can do it. I know you can! Have faith in yourself and the man upstairs. Give the wheel back to him allow him to take care and guide your h.
Coly, you give great advice to others, it's now time to step outside your comfort zone and practice some of what you've suggested to others. I know you are scared, but Coly, you can do it.
I know you can do it too Coly!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi Coly, I think you have received some good advice and hopefully food for thought.
In your situation, I think it is more important to deal with your own stuff. Why is it I spin when I don't hear from him? Why do I need that contact to soothe me? Why am I not okay alone for now? Why can I not let him be? Why do I need this?
For me, it became important to know that I had 'made it' alone. Many times I found strength in doing nothing. For in doing nothing I was okay alone. If we ultimately didn't make it, I knew I would be okay anyway. I remember thinking - I need to know that I would have been okay alone, or that fear would always be there - even if we reconciled. If that failed, I won't be okay alone, because I didn't make it. From what you post, it doesn't sound as though you feel that confidence in yourself.
He wants space and not to address R things. You pursue him primarily to soothe your own fears. It took me a while to get to a place where I could leave XH be. But what was most important was - I was (and am) okay. And yes he divorced me, but I tried my hardest, and that decision is on him.
So, my main message is - try and worry a little less about the M - and focus more on you. Dig deep and have a look at what fears his abandonment have triggered in you. Have a good think about why you 'need' his attention to manage your fears. I can't recall if you have read Codependent no more - but I found it helpful - she is pretty astute at recognising and setting out those unhealthy behaviours we can adopt...I had many for sure! And (like many of us here) I'm a work in progress...
I do notice benefits in how I rub along with others too. 'Before' I used to fear conflict or negativity and take it all on as being about me. Now I'm much more able to see that maybe someone else is just having a rough day - or dealing with their own stuff...
Best of luck with everything
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
