In the UK- PT22 - anyone for a glayvar?

[Huddy]

Hi RD

Good to hear that you're doing fine! Nice to know that a couple of the 'old guys' are still knocking about. See NDY every now and again for a beer and it's good.

Of course you haven't overstepped the mark, not one bit! Certainly don't want any kind of relationship with anyone else right now. Oh yeah, miss sex loads, but, I don't want (scratch that), need anyone else right now. My W was my 'one' and I can see that she is 'befuddled' right now. I think she is a classic MLC'er, buying her way to happiness. We'll see, but I think I miss the closeness of a woman. That probably sounds sexist, but hey, we all have needs!

I am getting on with life, as it is. Got my mate coming up in a couple of weeks time and I've got plans to take the kids to LEGOLAND in the summer. That'll burn a hole in my wallet, so I've got some overtime brewing to help out! I'm no emotional wreck anymore. I have the odd lonely day, but I have found things to get me out of the house more. As you know, in the last 14 months, I've been to Hong Kong, taken the kids away on my own for the first time, got myself out to the pictures on my own and meals and the like. In 2017, I have only had one free weekend, so, not bad.

All advice is welcome. I don't post a lot anymore as my sitch is nearly two years old. I remember coming to the board and you were here, NDY, smoothy etc. and if I'd seen people still going two years down the line, 'd have lost all hope there and then and I think I would have been in a worse state. Never be afraid to launch the 2x4's!

[Sotto]

RD!!! Did you come out of retirement?? Great to see you posting and hope all is well - sorry for the hijack Huddy :-)

BTW, I do think that is good advice from the guys - you don't have to give up on the marriage or a possible reconnection at some point. But don't put your life on hold, or watch, or wait. Make plans just for you and let her get on with her own life. Of course you can keep the door open a wee crack if that's what you want....

:-) x

[NDY]

Ok mate, lets go through this as best I can.

Remember the thread where you stated that you had dropped the rope? Ok so you told us this. One, you told her you were upset that she had been on a dating site. Know what this tells her? you are still attached. Because you were upset. Second, she mocked you about "being separated"and knowing what that means. At the moment I don't believe you do know what that means. Sure you have done some excellent GAL but really mate you are still there for her when she clicks her fingers. Take your b@lls out of her bag and take ownership of your manhood.

Hi NDY/Rd

RD - long time no see! Hope you're doing fine in the Republic.

I'm still gauging this manipulation thing. Yes, I wasn't going to take her, but she started to pull some strokes about getting somebody else to look after the kids. Whilst I know she wouldn't (deep down), I couldn't allow that to happen. I also wanted to see how she was actually coping. To answer that last question, not well. I can't imagine how much debt she is racking up. Cars, beauty salons, cosmetic surgery; it must be huge.

Manipulation? No, she's doing what she likes and she knows good old Huddy will be there to do her bidding. Where's the loss? Where's the taking responsibility for her actions? There isn't any. Not for her. She did what she liked and you comply or be damned as far as she's concerned. Can't you see the disrespect here? And you missed a trick to lay a boundary. Let me explain. Just a few weeks ago my ExW text me about how she had booked a trip abroad with S11 at Easter. I said fine, but in the future you need to agree to dates before you book. I didn't say why. Didn't need to. 2 minutes later she asked if it was ok to take S11 away in the summer for EXMIL's birthday.I said this is ok. And another text to confirm that I was ok with this. Boundary set, consequence realised.

Of course I'd have her back - hey, that's why we came here, but maybe I'm not getting it across that I have changed and it would be different. She'd have to convince me that she actually wants to come back and I don't think she's anywhere near that place.

No she's not in that place. Why would she want to come back? She's living it up right now with no real responsibilities to worry about. Acting it and actually living it are two different things. And I don't believe you are living it. You'll understand when the penny drops with you.

Yesterday, she texted me to go over and see her with the kids. I was picking SD up, so that wasn't a problem. She had applied make up, and done her hair. She told me she was upset that I hadn't replied to a text she sent me on Sunday. I didn't think it needed and urgent reply, so left it and then forgot about it.
Why? To send her a message?

Wrong message mate. Indifference isn't the same a deliberate rudeness. Think about it. Reply to her messages but in your own sweet time. Ignoring them (or 'forgetting' them. Sheesh you didn't forget) Sends the wrong message. That's not the same as being too preoccupied to answer immediately. She doesn't appear to be totally bat [self censored] like Irish's ExW.

Today is my birthday and she sent me a text wishing me happy birthday. I sent a simple reply saying thank you. I'm not pandering, or getting any expectations, but there is a change. I just don't know what.

I got the same. I didn't send her one. No expectations.

[Huddy]

Just popping by for the ritual kicking which goes with 'I told you so'.

NDY - as always, thanks. Will firm up beer date this weekend.

I did take some of your advice on and didn't contact her after the kids judo on Wednesday. Friday night I got a call from her, out of the blue. Chatting away about the kids, she told me my S had left his scarf. I said it wasn't a problem and I'd pick it up on Monday when I dropped SD off to get her clothes, as she's staying with me during this week as well. W then asked if I could come over to see her. She sounded sad and I said we'd come over at about 1pm on the Saturday.

Me and the kids had some shopping to do, so we got to W's about 10 minutes late. She'd washed her hair and painted her nails and had got dressed in a nice top (she's been wearing PJ's or joggers since the operation). She had cooked the kids some food and we stayed for a couple of hours. However, the W from the phone call had turned in to cold W again and although we talked, she couldn't look at me. I arranged to pick her up for her hospital appointment on Tuesday, as I was taking the kids for some food.

I had no word from her until Tuesday. When I got to her house, she had been out to the shops with a mysterious 'friend'. I was annoyed, because she was suppose to be house bound and I was doing all the fetching and carrying. Of course, I am stupid. I fell for the manipulation trick. I was trying to be the good man that I always have been. Maybe I was expecting a reward. What a nob.

I didn't talk at all on the way to the hospital or back. I was really pi$$ed off, with her, and myself. I took the kids, including SD, for food and when we picked her up, she was all doughy eyed about having to go to her appointment on her own next week. I said nothing, I was and still am frothing at the mouth with anger for falling for such a thing, so far down the road.

I'm typing here to get this off my chest. I'm so angry, more with myself, but also with some of my friends. I had told them I had misgivings, and they encouraged me as they all said 'she'll see just how great you are'. Arrggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!

[Sotto]

Hi Huddy, reading your post above made me think of the ...book and the whole area of covert contracts - ie: doing something for someone and expecting to get something back.

You say you helped because that's the guy you are - but you also acknowledge you had some expectations. Then you were disappointed and angry etc..

In terms of DBing - this all suggests 'attachment' - and of course we are aiming for greater detachment because so many spouses flip flop all over the place and we'll be flip flopping too if we don't find our own groove separate to theirs.

So, the place to focus on is finding your own groove. What are your goals for yourself in coming months Huddy?

(I hope I've been gentle and nudged rather than kicked my friend :))

[rd500]

Hi Huddy , firstly stop beating yourself up. You love the women and your natural instinct is to care for her and help her.

I harp on about the DB process because ive been where you are. The vets on here have seen it all and we struggle to accept that the process applies to our sitch because our WAS is different ( or so we think ). Right now your W has zero fear of losing you. She may or may not care either way in the long term but right now she has no fear because you make it clear that you are option B.

Again, i think most on here understand where your mindset is but we also understand it has to change , for any hope of an R with W BUT much more importantly for Huddy.

I still get very sad texts from.EXW but to be honest i dont really pay them much attention and never answer them. I still give her a small amount of cash most months but i do it with zero expectations and for my reasons. I dont consider how EXW views it because her view on it doesnt matter to me.

I wasnt encouraging you to date but i have and it did make me feel better about myself and i dont lack self confidence to start with !!!! Its a tricky business and ive had bunny boilers and simply incredible ladies that i thoroughly enjoyed every second with them.

For.me moving on meant deciding tbat im too good for EXW , i deserve better than who she has become and ive met ladies that do deserve me ( lol , poor them )

Again , dont beat yourself up but maybe learn that DBings favorite ' fake it until you make it ' is very true.

Just my thoughts Huddy , you are a nice guy and thats not helping you right now.

Take care mate

[roist]

No kicking or I told you so from me. In fact I say stop being so hard on yourself.

However have you thought about what you will change about this dynamic?

Best wishes.

[NDY]

However have you thought about what you will change about this dynamic?

Excellent point. What are you going to do?

[Huddy]

Hi All

As always, angry angels on my shoulders! Thanks for all the above - read in detail.

I'm at work at the minute, so I'll be quick for now.

I walked out of a conversation with her mid sentence yesterday. I'd just returned with my D from her judo club and W started to lay in to me about something and nothing. I simply scooped up the kids and left. I got the kids to say goodbye to her, but I didn't say a thing. I was fuming with her attitude.

So, what to do about the dynamic. Well, her credit points are all done. To a normal person, if somebody had cared for you and looked after you, you would want them to be by your side. For now, she's proved that isn't for her, so, I'm not for helping right now. I was half thinking about her appointment on MOnday, but I realise that it is just pure manipulation, so, I'll be off to the gym at that time. The only respect she has shown me is when she had her original follow up appointment on Tuesday, and was telling me how and when I could take the kids to school and how I could do thia and that for her, that I told her it wasn't going to happen like that and that she would have to change the appointment time. Of course, she had a hissy fit, but she did change the time.

Maybe I'm just not feeling that strong right now. It'll be two years in a months time and I'm a little down right now. Having the kids 24/7 has been great and I realise how much I miss them when they aren't here. I just want a nice family home again, but I do deserve to be treated a whole lot better.

[Sotto]

Hopefully just Angels rather than angry Angels Huddy

So, I read the above as - she was rude to me, so I left in mid sentence - she tugged on your rope and you delivered right back..reactive rather than responsive - and the difference is really important.

I think Roist's question in spot on. Her approach may not change, but yours can...and a change in you could change the dynamic..

Now, you're looking for a monetary or practical lever to make her feel the consequences of being unpleasant...I won't top up her phone or take her to an appointment?

That's how I read this anyway...

I'm sorry you're feeling low - and of course it's understandable. These situations are by no means easy. But I think a big part of the problem is that your life is still largely about her and what she is doing, not doing, may be thinking, planning etc.

I don't see that you doing a great deal to change yourself or your life following her departure, and I do think that's the place to focus rather than on her. This is something that has been posted for a while, and you do seem a little stuck in this area. I wonder why that is and how we could help?

The thing is - what we focus on, grows - have a think about that in relation to your current situation.