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Hi MLeigh, glad to read an update from you and pleased that you are doing well. I loved your list of 4 years after BD - so many positive things. And it sounds as though your H is making some progress too..

I understand what you write about forgiveness & I struggle with this too. I accept what has happened, but I do find it hard to fully let things go, and I would still like to see some regret (or at least acknowledgement that it was an awful thing to do) from XH.

Glad you are thriving though - cope, survive, thrive...good for you.

Xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi Job! The verdict about H and his toy was that he was NOT thinking. He has a very juvenile mentality these days. I do believe he felt really bad and told me he was grateful I had sunglasses on because yes, he could have hurt me, or worse, could have hurt S. Really stupid move on his part.

S is doing great. Still straight A's. Still loves his long shoulder length wispy bangs hair. Still a sweetheart. He continues to get closer with H so the back and forth seems to be easier on him.

Fur babies are great too! My dog and cat bring us so much comfort and laughs.

I hope all is well with you Job.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Hi Cali, my fellow rock! No mention of D from other side. Still not sure what holds him back. For me, it's just more convenient this way. Might be the same for him? My guess is that will all change when one of us get someone special in our lives. In fact I think that will change ALOT of things.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2014
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Hey Sotto, always good to hear from you. Acceptance is definitely different than forgiveness, but it sure has set me free quite a bit and certainly helps with detachment.

My H seems to be very pleased with himself and his choices. He jokes around a lot and is very chipper. Sometimes I find it really annoying, and sometimes it stings. Then I feel bad that I don't want him to be happy....it's a weird thing. I may feel different if he at least showed some sort of remorse....but who knows. All I know is that I would not want to be his face in the mirror. Our S is the 1 and only reason I put it all aside.

Take care Sotto
xxoo


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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missed you round these parts M!!! So glad for an update.

Re: the pellet gun, ???? what a bonehead move. Glad you were relatively unscathed.

I am so happy to read how well you're doing. Pls pop in when you can - I miss you! xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Glad you are okay from the pellet gun. Talk about bad decision making skills. Geez.

So great to hear an update from you!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I am here to catch up on some threads and wanted to give a quick post for myself.

H came over on Thanksgiving. He spent an hour making mashed potatoes while I made the Prime Rib, salad, spaghetti and garlic bread. I also shopped for and bought everything, then was left to clean it all up. Needless to say, I was feeling a bit angered and taken advantage of the days after.

My anger has been bubbling, not just Thanksgiving but all of it. I was able to release it by writing it all down and burning the letter. I also had a nice talk with a friend. I was able to express everything, and after, she asked me, why do you do this to yourself M? You don't have to do the holidays together. I told her I do it for S. It's either this or miss out on holidays with him being shuffled around, and that is worse to me.

So we chatted and she suggested that if I keep doing this, I can change it in that we all pitch in for the whole process, shopping, cooking, cleaning, all together so it's not all on me. That way everyone would also feel good to pitch in. We can come together for that day, as a family, so S can have the experience and memories that I want him to have.

I brought it up with H today at drop off. First I questioned if he wanted the same as me for holidays and he said yes. Then I suggested, with the upcoming ones coming, that we all pitch in and contribute to the day together, to at least show S what a family should be. I guess the way I said it made him a bit defensive. He felt I was blaming him for how things are. So I asked him, is this what you want? He said of course not, but he doesn't know what else to do.

He said he could move back but that wouldn't fix things. I agreed. He took us back to the lovely past of our failed relationship, and how he was ignored and how unhappy he was....I validated and asked him, why do you think I was so withdrawn and distant? He said he didn't know. I said exactly, you never bothered to find out, up to this day, what was going on with me. It's all you, you, you and still is H. I told him in a healthy relationship there would have been more communication and support, but unfortunately we did not do that. Instead I shut down and he bailed.

Well, that set him off again. That I always say it's all his fault. I answered I don't think that, but I do feel he took it to a whole other level that changed a fixable relationship into one I don't imagine having a happy ending. So it's not that I blame him, it's that I am angry at the hurtful choices he made and still have not ever gotten an apology for when I, on the other hand, have owned up to my mistakes and have apologised several times. I told him, H, I do hope someday we can hash this all out instead of sweeping it under the rug so that we can both be able to fully move on with our lives.

He said so where does that leave us, what should we do, do we file for divorce? I told him, that's his choice to make and not something I will do unless I absolutely have to because this wasn't my choice...divorce was never my choice. He got upset and said why is this up to me? You think I wanted this? It just happened to turn out this way. So I asked him, what holds you back from filing? Why haven't you?

He says he doesn't file because of S. That he knows he will be screwed in this situation and will lose a ton of money. He added that it seems to work ok the way things are. He then added that I am smart in not filing because the longer this goes the better off I will be, and that he has people warning him all the time the longer he waits the worse it will be. But He said for him, it's not about the money, it's about keeping things calm for S.

I said yes, it works for now, but you know that will all change, right? Once we sit down at a table and start splitting things, once we have new partners in our life and start blending that in, everything will change.

He freaked, started asking should he get a lawyer? He was shouting Oh my god all the money wasted for that, why wouldn't I want to keep things calm for S?. He was panicking, taking his hat on and off, pulling at his shirt...so I went to him, took his hand and said whoa H, calm down, I am not out to get you. I have no intention of trying to hurt you. I told him you are my son's dad, I will always have your back and I will always be here for you. We have a bond upstairs (S) that no one will ever break or replace. We, in a sense, will always be family. I am just saying that I don't believe it will always be so friendly, that things will change.

He calmed down and said he feels the same for me. I told him, look H, I only wanted to talk about the holidays and suggest a way to make them better. I told him the holidays are hard for me, a grim reminder of where we are. He said him too. I said it's not easy for me to open my home to him, but I do it for S and am willing to put my feelings aside so that we can all enjoy our get togethers. He just looked down at the ground.

I picked a weed, we were sitting on the front steps, and I walked it over to the trash. I turned around and he had followed me. He opened up his arms and hugged me, I hugged back and we both held it there. He said he was sorry for his part in this and things done. I squeezed him and said thank you for that.

So, several times through out the conversation, he said he doesn't know what else to do. How annoying is that!? How about you should have fought for your marriage? Made an effort instead of running?? I just told him, that's for you to figure out H. And that I hope you are able to figure it out. I told him I don't have your answers and other times I just stayed quiet.

I also brought up that he mentioned moving back a few times and asked him, is that what you want? He said, well I don't want to throw $2500 a month away, I don't want to be away from my son, I don't want to be living my life this way, but I don't know what else to do. He said you have this beautiful house, you have son more than me, you live a block away from work and his school, you have it made and seem happier than ever. I said H, you didn't answer my question. He hesitated and said he never wanted things to end up this way, but they did and he doesn't think moving back would fix things. And again, he doesn't know what else to do.


Another reminder to us all, they are not living the high life they may portray. I saw a lot of pain, guilt and unhappiness in my H during this talk. A big difference from his normal chipper self.

And although the talk doesn't really change anything, it felt good to ask some questions, to express myself, and to finally get an apology. As you all know, I have really needed that.

Thanks for reading and wishing you all well.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2014
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Want to add, I do wish I had clarified to H that I don't blame him for what happened to us but I do blame him for giving up on us because I was still willing to fight for us. That would be the blame and disappointment he hears in my remarks to him. That is something I will just need to work through.

Oh well, not sure it would make any difference but maybe I will get that out there to him too.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Wow ... quite the Holidaze there. Your MLCr has always been an odd duck in regards to the norm. Low energy which also equates to little/no movement luckily you are a very down to earth kinda gal and you have not pushed him till he needs a bit of a nudge just like you did here.

This time of year is tough, I know for me it bugs seeing the MLCrs all chipper and bouncing around given all the destruction ... but as you noticed underneath all that is a massive amount of guilt and remorse I am thankful I do not have hanging over my head and with the holidays its a silent reminder for all those involved ... this time of year has a way of getting a few of those emotions to bubble up to the top not only for us but for the MLCr as well.

Reading along it does jump out how he seems to be gravitating about the moving back thing ... the roadblock he has is that it would not fix anything. I would personally remind him nothing can be fixed by ignoring it and sweeping it under the rug which he historically has been very good at ... but MLCrs also are very timid especially when its being called out/judged and I would suspect they know how much hurt they have caused but have no idea how to fix it nor if they even want to go through all that, so he has a bit of baking still to do but he does seem to be feeling the tug of the family unit which leads me to my next question.

M ... what do YOU want? Either way its going to be hard and alot of work involved. I am at a point even if the MLCr dropped all and said all the right things I am not so sure I would be open to it anymore, partly just because I would not believe it but also partly because I have been solo for so long and being married and living as a family at this point would just feel so weird ... I worry that being alone for so long I have come to accept nothing else. Food for thought and I am interested in how/where you are at with all this.

You rock, I think you have handled this so well ... just prooding you for your perspective.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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mleigh4 Offline OP
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So I did end up letting H know that I do blame him for giving up. He let me know that he fought for us while I was withdrawn and distant. He says he fought as well as he could and stuck it out for several years. By the time I started waking up and realizing it was time to shape up, it was too late and he just didnt have any fight left. So basically, we stood for our marriages at different times and unfortunately while we were in different places.

I can't argue with that, he is right. It actually brings me some peace to know and remind me that there was a time that he really did care.

Which brings me to think.... you have two people who are in love. Unfortunately, as circumstances change, they change and grow apart. No longer in love, no attraction, no relationship. All they see in each other is a person who hurt them deeply.

If you take these same two people, and they start to treat each other with kindness, respect, attention and make the other their priority...can they begin to see each other differently? Can feelings and attraction grow back? Is love a choice?

Which brings me to you Cali, I still am not sure what I want in regards to H. I would love for things to work out, but he would need to be less selfish, accept me for me, let me be the mom I love to be, and be totally honest and open. All things I really don't see happening.

Then I try to picture him back home and I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I too have grown to love my space, although I don't want it forever, I am not ready to have H in it.

What I know for sure is I want to be happy, which I have grown to be.

Always love to hear from you Cali, thank you for checking in.

M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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