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^^^^ so much YES here on both posts! Poor pup, left in that heat! Since early days I've been told that if I can't take son, exh will make other arrangements - with either the pill popping friend or ex-mil, though to be fair, now that exh is out of denial about PPF (pill popping friend), I bet he won't send son PPF's way. I learned very early on that nothing will stop my exh from doing exactly what he wants when he wants. With exh it's always work, or so I'm led to believe. I have no reason to think he's lying, and if he is, that's on him. I always think it's a terrible lesson to make son feel that work is more important.

I'm so glad your job is open to you taking care of son when you need to, The point is you should't have to, but sadly, it is what it is. I've had to learn to do what you did- stand up for myself and point out what's not acceptable. Good for you! What he does or doesn't do in response is all on him. I'm so proud of you for the way you handled both him and his mother. Well done!! xoxoxo

As for the date - ugh. Well, I've only had that coffee date last year, but I so relate to what you said about being opposite the date and wishing for your pre-MLC H, then realizing that's not who H is anymore. Been there, bought the t-shirt!

Don't react on emotions is SUCH a hard, yet valuable lesson. You are doing so well! Big {{{{{ hugs }}}}} to you !!! xoxoxoxo so nice to have an update!


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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job Offline
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I am so sorry that your pup was left out in the heat. I hope that your pup and kitty are doing okay.

Your h is still trying to control you by stating other options if you can't or won't do the things he wants on his own time frame. He knows that if he suggests other options you won't like them and will continue to pick up the slack on his responsibilities. He doesn't like the fact that you are out enjoying yourself and he's not happy w/the life he has chosen.

You've handled your situation w/grace and a whole lot of patience.

As for the date, it will get easier and be more fun as you continue your journey. We all have been right where you and yes, I even use to think about my old xh and wishing he was that way again...but alas...he's not the same at all.

I agree w/bttrfly...you are doing so well. Enjoy your vacation.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hope your dog is ok! It has been so hot lately.

Sorry the date did not work out. I am sure there will be triggers in that area for some time. Can you imagine if your date starts talking about getting old, wanting to fly drones, or shows up in bedazzled jeans, etc. You'll be ducking out the bathroom window.

So nice to hear from you!! You rock.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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So good to hear an update from you. I see H is still in his delusional state and I do hope he figures out a way to get through the tunnel but it does seem he has yet to hit that point.

I did have a chuckle about the dating, I have always been curious when you would reach that point and guessed it would go as it did. I seem to be there as well ... you hit a point where you wold like that company but after so long with one person it just seems to feel off. Don't worry .. I too bounce between my safety bubble and putting myself out there .... that is a cycle and all a part of this.

Sounds like you are doing very well and handling things perfectly


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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I don't know your whole sitch, but how come you don't want his mom to help? Why go out of your way when he could have help he gets on his time?

Do you have a bad relationship with her?

My ExSIL helps out on ex's time and sometimes mine. No shame in taking help when someone is willing to give it.

Took me a loooooooong time to learn that, but I let go control and if OWW can help, I let her too, although as a last resort.

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Hey Bttrfly! Thanks for the pat on the back. It has taken a long time but yes, I have learned how to have constructive conversations with H. I get emotional, he gets defensive, that is the normal pattern. But if I keep my emotions in check, he listens.

Hi Job! I love to hear from you, thank you for stopping by and hope all is going well for you. My fur babies are great. I put up special screens for them so they can go in and out as they want. I forgot to think about the gifts cat brings me! The other night it was a mouse! It was chaos chasing that thing around the house but with cats help we got it in the garage. My cat and dog continue to bring me so much love and laughter, they have been a true blessing.

Hi HW! The sad thing is, I find myself attracted to men who look like H! Bald with a goatee. It's starting to annoy me, not sure if this is related to unresolved issues with H or if its just my type.....

Hi Cali! I'm glad to hear I am not the only one who got spooked with my date. It set off so many triggers for me! I will take your advice and consider it a part of the cycle. I have been beating myself up thinking, come on M!! It's been 4 years! I guess we all move at our own pace and I am going to allow myself to do just that.

Hi Ginger! Thank you for stopping by. That's a good question....I am not a fan of MIL. She crossed the line with me too many times and fueled the fire with H causing problems for us. He mainly sides with her on parenting issues and I felt very ganged up on with them. H chose mom over wife on many things she should have not muddled in. Aside from that, I feel H chose to be a single dad , he left, and he should have to live those choices. I do agree that family should be allowed to help out, I am just not there yet in my situation. I don't have those options with my own family and manage to figure it out, I guess I figure H should too. I will also add that I am very stubborn! S and MIL do spend 1 day a week together, it's called Grammy day, and it does help out both H and I. I put my own feelings towards her aside so S and her can have their own relationship.


I had quite a week! Work is a little crazy. In my business there is a lot of recruiting and our sister office took the bait and left to a competitor. They are after us too, but we decided to choose our success and happiness over money and stay. H has gotten wind of all this, his friends girlfriend worked for my company and also left for more money. H sent me a ranting text last night encouraging me to make sure I am being paid for my worth. I'm not, but I choose happiness over money. Not sure he understands that, but nice he cares.

My toilet clogged up. I mentioned it to H and he offered to come and fix it, but it was a work night and his night with S, so I told him I would take care of it. I couldn't bring myself to snake it myself, I have my limits! So I called a plumber. The toilet is old and I need a new one, so I may give in and ask H for help on that, maybe, or will just pay to have it done.

At drop off one morning, H noticed a black widow in front. They are everywhere, we are infested with spiders. He used to keep the house perimeter sprayed, but after 4 years now, it's gotten bad. He told me, just spray! Again, I have my limits and have a bug guy coming out this week.

Our smoke alarm went off one morning at 5 am. I was terrified and my first thought was grab S and dog and get out. As I ran down the hall, I realized no smoke, no fire, it was the alarm telling me it's time to change it. I went through the house and replaced them all myself, and added a carbon monoxide alarm. I put them up all by myself! I was so proud! Again refused H help.

Not sure what is going on with me but I just can't bring myself to let H help! I think part of it is to show him I can do it myself, that good old stubbornness. Also, his love language is acts of service, why let him leave here feeling like some kind of hero? I'm horrible, I know, not good DB'ING. I continue to break away any possible tie with him I can, to live my life without him in every way possible. If it wasn't for S....

All in all I am good. It's hot here this weekend so feeling a bit cooped up, but staying busy and getting much needed rest. So many stirred up emotions here lately! Take care everyone.

Xxoo
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Stirred up emotions as in, mad H wasn't my date, mad he is not here to help me with all these house issues, mad he wasn't here for those few seconds I thought the house was on fire. Yes I am mad and don't want his help. He is free to go live his dream life I held him back from. I have always managed to take care of myself and continue to do so.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2014
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Hi all! I hope everyone is doing well. I am on vacation for a week!! Woohoo!! I plan on catching up with friends here. It really continues to comfort me that we here "get it" when many of my friends really don't.

So, busy days for me! Last weekend I went to a concert, a meet and greet, with one of my favorite Socal reggae bands. Me and two girlfriends went and had a blast! I was tongue tied and starstruck, but got some very good pics. The show was a total of 4 bands and I was sore for days after dancing for 5 hours straight! The whole experience was one of the funniest things I have ever done smile

My S knew how excited I was about this. I sent some pics to H since he had S, and all H could reply was making fun of my excitement. I have a huge passion for music, my friend with me commented he is just jealous as he has no passion for anything. My thought, H has no passion, period. It's that whole lack of emotions thing.

When I got S back, I showed him pics and video, and he gave me a big hug. My 10 year olds way of saying he was happy for me. My sweet kid, so not like his dad.

My S and I went toilet shopping. We cracked up when we saw the long row of toilets to choose from, a little overwhelming! I decided to ask H for help getting it from the store to home. He did, and came out of the bathroom saying he was going to put it in, but thought the old toilet was already taken out, and he didn't want to deal with that. I was so confused, did he think I was capable of removing a toilet by myself? What goes on in that head? I told him I will have it installed, and in all honesty, I was fine with that to make sure it's done right.....but also so disappointed that installing a new toilet in his son's bathroom, a chance to be around S, wasn't something he was willing to do.

It is very very clear, this house is my responsibility. However, I will continue to request 1/2 the cost of these upgrades as he still owns 1/2 equity. He never has shown any problem with that so I guess I am lucky.

My birthday is coming up on Tuesday. Big 48! I rented a beach house for S, dog and I. I can't wait! I can sit on the deck and stare at the ocean for hours, I even got myself some binoculars since it seems H took them all when he looted the house. I mentioned to H, out of respect of knowing where his S will be, that S and I will be away for a couple of days, but that it will not interfere with his schedule. S told him we were going to a beach house. I did NOT add, as I always have in the past, you are welcome to join us. As far as I'm concerned, he has worked so hard to get and stay away from me, so be it. And for the first time, I don't expect him to ask to come. I think he knows I don't want him there, and I don't think he wants to be.

It's going to be my birthday and I will be spending the day surrounded by unconditional love, and the sea to sooth my soul. No negativity, no physical reminder of a person who used to be someone else, no regrets.

I am so looking forward to the time away. There is a pool there, so even S is excited to be going.

My office celebrated my birthday on Friday since I will be away, and what an amazing job they did! I got balloons, roses, brunch, wine and sangria, even personal pics that were printed and hung up! Very cute. They then posted it on Facebook and I got tons of birthday wishes from friends, clients, co-workers and family. What a huge happy boost it was! I feel like I really needed that.

School is around the corner, so looking forward to getting back into that routine. H never did take any days off to spend with S this summer. I don't know guys, he seems to be slipping deeper into his fog.....but S has 100% of me and he knows that. I am getting to know a new friend, but just don't feel I really have time for dating in my life right now. At the same time, I would love to have a positive male influence around S. It's a weird place to be. Baby steps.

I just read Irish's post to Bttrfly about dating and it makes sense to me. Eventually it will feel right. I will just continue on until it does.

Thanks for reading and hope to catch up with you all this week. Take care of yourselves.
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Oh wow......wish I was going with you, have a wonderful time!

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I am going to wish you a Happy Birthday a few days early!

I think you are better off having the toilet installed. At least you will know it's done properly at a certain time of the day.

Enjoy your time away. You and your son have earned it!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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