So just a brief update since H and I last "talked" S had a great birthday party. He ran around and had a blast with his buddies. You know it's good when they are all sweaty at the end! Lol. FIL and MIL showed up too. The entire time, H and FIL were glued to their cell phones. MIL and I played with the boys. We even had races down the giant slides! It was a good time, but I do admit, H withdrawal from the special day annoyed the h#ll out of me. It was a 2 hour party! He couldn't give S that?
Afterwards, S, his BFF and H came back to my place to open presents. H again went to phone, to look up how to use one of the gifts, while S was still opening more presents. I said straight up, H, you are missing the moment. He said, I am fully aware of what's happening around me. I said you are aware, but not a part of it.....He put phone away.
Since the party, we have been NC except for anything S related. I no longer see H as an R prospect in my life. I feel no attraction, although I still think he is very handsome, but no one I would even consider dating. I just feel empty.
Which brings me to deciding I am ready to dip my toe in the dating pool. Yep. This last weekend I did the spring passport weekend with friends, which is 2 days of wine tasting, food and music at all the local wineries. We hit 9 wineries in 2 days! It was a blast. Several men showed interest in me,including one little hottie who was only 29 years old! Everyone says I don't look my age but come on!
Anyway, I would love to have some good conversation with someone. I went on to an online dating source and put in some info. I got spooked, and am not public, but I am getting matches sent to me each day. There have been a few I would love to reach out to, talk to, and see what happens. I am TERRIFIED at the thought of going on a date, but I think if someone feels comfortable, I could give it a go. I will go public in 2 weeks, after H goes on his business trip without talking about our sitch, which I know will happen. If you remember, he promised to talk before, when work drama settles down. Let's be real, not gonna happen.
So I have a question for you guys. A few of my friends think I should let H know so he doesn't possibly hear from someone else. Short and sweet, something like H, I have always hoped we could work this out, but it's not going anywhere, so out of respect, I am letting you know I am going to start dating.....
IDK, part of me agrees, and part of me doesn't want to share my private life with him......
Any thoughts on that?
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Hi M, Aw Sweetie I really wish you guys were in a different place! I'm such a romantic that I hope every single person here gets their spouse back and a stronger relationship post MLC but that's sadly not reality for most of us.
So darling you're ready to move forward. I think there would be something wrong if you weren't terrified. I have to ask these questions because I want you to be ruthless in your answers so you will have no regrets moving forward: are you saying this from a place of despair because you think nothing will ever change with H? Why do you think you do not want him to know about your private life? Is it being protective or something else?
The lack of attraction and empty feeling are why I'm asking these questions.
M darling you've done such a super job of standing. You have been a rock through this entire mess called MLC. I'm so proud of you! You've always inspired me throughout my journey here.
I think if you are ready to date, yes, you should say something to H to give him a head's up. Think how hurtful it would be for him to find out another way and also remember that you will be co-parenting with this man for some years to come, so anything that keeps your relationship cordial gets my vote.
I guess the final question is this: if H was planning to start dating, would you want him to give you a head's up? How would you want him to treat you in this situation if the roles were reversed?
You always epitomize kindness in your dealings with him. Keep doing that doll!
xoxoxoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
You sound in a good place and hey why not try the dating scene, its all trial and error, you may find someone you really get along with or you may find you are not quite ready for it, I feel go in with an open mind and remember you are in control at all times.
As for your question - I differ from bttrfly (sorry bttrfly honey, no offence intended), your h gave up the right to know what you are doing when he walked out and set up his own single life down the road. At this point you are only exploring and so go enjoy the experience, if and when you meet someone and you feel it moving forwards romantically enough for your s to be introduced to new guy, then I would speak to your h prior to that happening so he is aware.
I have not told my h of my "friendship" with another man, its none of his business and I as I don't know where its going myself it may be an empty story. I also dont want him to start being interested in me and my life so I give this new whateveritis up, just because he does not want me to be with anyone else, when he does not actually want to be with me either.
My h could well be seeing someone else already, he did not tell me about his first ow for weeks and he introduced my boys to her before telling me. If your h met someone else, I would not be surprised if he kept her quiet for quite some time, he would be enjoying his high, part of that is you not knowing about her.
Go, explore this and if it becomes something you really want or you meet someone you really like, then let your h know.
This is only my personal opinion, does not mean its right!!
You are truly amazing M, I really admire you, you inspire me to get out there and experience what life has to offer.
I tend to agree w/Lou. What you do w/your personal life at the moment is your business. There's no need to advise your h since he's not living under the same roof and hasn't for some time. Trust me, he's not telling you everything he is doing.
Now, if you meet someone and you really like them and want to continue on w/the relationship, then I would mention it to your h. There's no need to even let your son know until you've met someone that you truly care about as well.
For now, keep your personal business to yourself. If it gets out to him, then tell him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My feeling is that if we were separated, spend family time together etc. and I suddenly found out that h was dating ... from other sources ... I would feel a lot of things, not the least would be betrayed. This is my opinion only.
It's not clear to me where you two have left things in regards to your relationship, but he has said on several occasions that he's trying or things of that nature.
If you've had a shift, that might be viewed by your h as a significant change in what he believes to be the status quo, perhaps it's kinder to communicate that openly.
Lou, I love you and I would do exactly what you are doing in your situation, but I feel that M's situation is a bit different. Because they've spent family vacations together etc and he has on more than one occasion claimed to be trying to work on things but that M is being off-putting, or how ever he's put it .. I just don't feel that a shift of this significance should be kept quiet.
The thing is, how do you bring something like that up. Do you say something like, I think it's time for me to explore what life has to offer me? Do you say I want to try something different?
I don't know what you say, M but you asked and I can only tell you my opinion. Be kind. Treat h as you would want him to treat you. If you would want to know that he's dating, then tell him. If not, then take a different approach.
Me - I hate surprises so the last thing I would want is to go out to dinner with friends and bump into my spouse with another woman.
That's just me.
xoxoxoxoxo Whatever you decide, if you do it as you've done everything else, with integrity and honesty to yourself it will be the right decision for you xoxoxoxo
much love as always
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I do understand where you are coming from, just as I understand where Lou is coming from. So, with that in mind, here's what I am thinking.
The door will open in one of her conversations w/him and she can then tell him what she is thinking about. If she decides to tell him that she is considering exploring the dating arena, maybe she could say something like this: "h, I've been giving it considerable thought and I am ready to start dating." I wouldn't go into a long explanation, but leave it short and sweet. It will give him something to think about.
It will be interesting to see how he would respond/react to this news. Then again, it may be like water on a duck's back and just slide right off.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi MLeigh, as you know, I chose not to date whilst still married. But my XH did file relatively quickly, so I haven't been in that situation of being long-time separated.
The way I see it, at this point you are choosing to reach out to guys and see if you enjoy spending time with a particular one. That may mean you are meeting up for a coffee with one guy and a drink for another - very much on a casual/friendly basis - socialising with a member of the opposite sex. I don't see any particular need to tell your H about that.
However, if you do meet a particular guy and want to become exclusive with him. Maybe you want to introduce him to your S, or meet his kids if he have them. Or maybe have him stay over?
At that point, I think it would be a good plan to let your H know. 'I'm seeing someone, I plan for him to meet S etc.' Because I think at that point, it could well change the parameters for your interactions with H and it seems fair to let him know.
But until or unless, I would socialise with some new guy friends and enjoy yourself xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hello. Bttrfly, Lou, Job, Sotto, big hugs and thank you. You all have given me some great advice, I knew I could count on you for that. I truly appreciate all of the thoughts and opinions.
Bttrfly, I want to answer your questions as I have given them a lot of thought. Yes, I do not think things will change with H. It's been 3 1/2 years, he is still stuck and has not done the work. He can not apologize or face what he has done, he continues to twist my words and actions into this all being my choice. He is a very manipulative passive aggressive man, and I don't see that changing. My feelings don't come from despair though, I would say they come from acceptance.
To answer the second question, I don't want to share my private life with him because I have no idea what he does in his spare time, he doesn't share a single thing with me. I don't see signs of OW these days, but in the beginning during his heavy replay, there were definite signs that H may have been spending some time with someone.
I know H is not himself, and there is no doubt he is going through something, and yes I love him and always will.....I just think it is time, like you said, to explore what life has to offer me. I feel guilty in feeling this way while still married, but again, he left me. H has never said he is trying, he says he doesn't know what the right thing is to do, that he is handling this best as he can, that he is confused and scared....
Lou said it well, this is just exploring, testing the waters. I wouldn't say I am happy or excited about meeting new people, I don't want to be here, I never wanted this. But, I have been feeling, on my nights alone, out with friends, I have been missing having a special someone to share those times with. Who knows, I may realize I am still not ready or comfortable. Right now, I just want to have conversation with someone I am attracted to and share interests with. Whether I am ready to go on an actual date with someone is still unknown.
So, I do not plan on bringing this up with H. For one, I do not want him to think this is just a tantrum, trying to get a reaction from him. For another, I don't want him to react by sucking me in with false promises, just so I can continue to stay put while he continues to do his own thing. I am not looking to hurt him or cause any further stress in his world, so I see no reason to say anything unless needed.
If a conversation comes up, I will let him know I am opening myself up to explore some new things. If he asks more questions, I will be honest. I will keep my values and won't lie or mislead him. In our last recent conversation, I did tell him we should either start talking some things out to help us decide what to do, or live separate lives. In fact, I have told him that several times. And he has always told me that he doesn't want to hold me back from moving on....
If I was to find out H was dating or had a special someone, of course it would hurt, but I would not be surprised. I also would never bring someone around S unless he was very very special, and not before I would let H know.
Thank you again for helping me work through this new little side stop on my path! All of your compliments and positive energy help me so much! I hope to meet some new friends and will keep you updated.
Still NC with H, but my life flows in a Zen like state. I am eating healthy and exercising, I feel great. I am taking better care of myself than I ever have. Work is good, most likely only 1 more month of unpaid random days off. My budgeting has kept everything in line, so I am enjoying these free days! I am a better momma than ever and S and I continue our journey into his pre teen self. It's crazy how quickly he is growing and I treasure all my time with him. Living in the moment and appreciating it has changed my life, I am a very happy M!
My girlfriend that works with H mentioned to me that there is talk around the company that H can not handle his job. Well, I have been asking myself how he is doing it from day 1, it sounds like it is catching up to him. This is a man who gets easily overwhelmed, can't handle people getting upset or showing angry emotions, has terrible communication skills, and he is managing 100 guys!?!? I guess the cracks are starting to show.
Another thing that I have been feeling lately that I will share about H: He is very good at twisting things to make it seem as if I am the one who wants things the way they are today. He has even gotten me second guessing myself a few times by twisting around my words. I am not sure if he is really believing it to justify his choices, or if it's all manipulative B.S. For example, saying I don't want to spend family time together, saying I said we can divorce, saying I don't think it would be a smart choice to live together....all taken out of context. This used to bother me so much. I would lose sleep thinking of how I can make my intentions clear, how I can do whatever possible to show him how much I want things to work out. I have stopped sweating it because everyone around me knows the truth, I know the truth, I am even confident that my S knows the truth. He can make me out to be the bad guy all he wants, but everyone who matters knows my true self and true intentions. That long time fear has diminished, which may be why I feel ready to explore.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
xx