By the grace of God

[Sotto]

Hi MLeigh, good to read an update from you and pleased to hear how well you are doing. Really, I expected no less as you have always been grounded, graceful and compassionate...

I think it is good that you have managed to spend this kind of time together and also it's nice for your S. It sounds as though your H is rumbling along very much in the same groove and yes as Job says I wonder what will change that? Not that I'm suggesting you do something different - that's up to you of course.

It sounds as though you are happy enough in yourself for now - and I guess at some point you may think about next steps - but all in good time and who knows how things may unfold.

Xx

[mleigh4]

Hi Altair, Job, Sotto. I have a lot of issues dealing with guilt on how I treat people. It stems with my dysfunctional relationship with my mom. Unfortunately, I tend to be taken advantage of because of it, which may be why I struggle to pull away from H. I say I will over and over again, and here I am.

H is very comfortable, and I am aware I am part of that. Although, I am pretty comfortable too. We are both using each other in a sense. The sad reality for me is, I yearn to hear him say he wants to come home, that he messed up and is sorry. But I swear I do not want him living back in this house. What kind of crazy is that? I try and try to figure it out.

I don't remember the last time he asked me anything about myself. It's all about him. The latest drama being about our mutual friend he works with being fired. He is on a rant, angry as spit at H, even calling customers and badmouthing H. H just texted saying that friend is "making up stories", telling people H recently got divorced and it's messing with his job. Lovely. I hope this guy doesn't call me. He is who H was real close with at BD and I almost feel like H is building up his case before I might hear anything....

H apologized for venting to me tonight on text but said there is no one else who knows the true story. I want to say it's not right to come to me to vent all the time. I want to just not reply! But I just don't have the heart you guys. I simply replied, "yes, someone else from your company also told me we were divorced. (True) He is mad, it will pass, just let it go"

Short and sweet. So yes, my good friend works at same company as H. I met up with her and another co-worker one night for dinner and co worker heard H and I were divorced, not separated. I corrected her and changed the subject real quick. No H talk.

So anyway, I will work on my soft back bone here. I do hear what you guys are saying. A lot of this contact has been for S, but he is getting older now, and he has adapted so well to everything, so I will keep that in mind and work on me. My feelings need to start coming before H feelings.

[mleigh4]

So I took a step in being open and honest tonight. H is in a spin about a mystery co-worker addressing me as his ex wife. He started to get a little testy about it, like this person is watching him and reporting to me. He assured me that he has never referred to me as his ex wife and in fact told his boss about his trip to Tahoe with his son and wife.

I corrected him by telling him the story about the co worker. He then complained about working with a bunch of guys who act like teenage girls. I pointed out to him that it doesn't surprise me that co workers would think that being that it was his work buddies he was spending all those nights out with, right? (At least that is what he told me) May be bad DB'ing to bring up the past but for Pete's sake, he needs to own up to his own behavior!

So he said fine, he will not bother me with this and just keep things business since that is what I want.

I replied, "all I have ever wanted was an apology. Not for your feelings, those are always valid, just an honest apology for the way you handled those feelings. I hope someday you can because that's how I heal and our friendship would be much better. I very much want to be there for you during difficult times like this. It's hard for me not to, but it's really not fair to me. I do hope this all blows over for you."

I figure it's a start.

[job]

I think you handled your talk w/your h very well. He's very sensitive about how your situation appears to others and he's paranoid. Typical of the MLCer.

Sounds like he's not happy working w/the bunch of guys. His comment about them acting like teenage girls, make me think that this is the way his friends acted when he was growing up. Growing up must have been really tough for him.

I am hoping and praying that what you said will give him something to think about. Sometimes we have to be honest w/them. Sometimes what we say to them hurts their pride, but some of them actually do hear what we are saying and mull it over and come to realize that what we have said is true. Others, listen and then ignore our comments. Time will tell if your h actually "heard" what you said.

Hugs to you, your son and your fur babies.

[mleigh4]

Hi Job, I am glad to hear you think I handled H well. I also think you are right about his growing up years being tough. He had a police officer dad who wasn't home much, two older sisters who I hear were a real handful, and friends that he did drugs with and who all haven't gone very far, some still at home! I am proud of H, with his accomplishments, but his emotions are a mess.

It seems he did listen and opened up an R talk, to my surprise. It was very long so I will keep it short.

He said he IS sorry but knows he needs to say it when I am not asking for it. He explained how hard this has been for all of us and continues to cause a lot of stress and sleepless nights for him. He described his emotions as sad, scared, confused, angry, upset, regretful, hopeful and hurt all mixed up together most of the time over this. He said he doesn't know the answer or how to fix this. He said it would be easy to say we should live together again, or we should just end the marriage and move on, but how would we know if either was a mistake? He apologized again for handling certain things the way he did, nothing was done on purpose to hurt me, that he is far from perfect. He pointed out he is not to blame for all of this, we both played our parts in it. He said despite our differences in opinion on parenting, he thinks I am a great mother and S is lucky to have me. Again, he was sorry, he just couldn't keep feeling the way he did. He understands I am angry and hopes this didn't make me angrier.

I thanked him for opening up. I told him his described emotions are spot on to mine, but because we never talk about anything, they will lead us to failure. I told him we don't need to figure this out alone, that we can do it together. I said nothing is magically going to just happen, that unless lessons have been learned and changes have been made, nothing would be different, and that is my biggest fear, which I pointed out may be his too. I said our bond and connection is deep through our son, but without a deeper connection of being open and honest, and being able to talk to each other, I don't see how it could ever work. I told him his silence has hurt as much as everything else has and the pain from this hasn't stopped. I asked him to just be real with me. I said there is the option to divorce, I don't see living together as a smart option, I had suggested dating but that never happened. I told him there was a time I would have done anything to keep my family together, I just feel I have tried everything and don't know what to do anymore except to just live my life. I said I am not angry, I just don't know what you want from me?

I asked him to do me a big favor when he had a few minutes of quiet time. I do this exercise often and think it would be good for all of us trying to decide which path to take.

I asked him to think about 2 different scenarios. With each one, he needs to really feel it and be in the moment.

Scenario 1..... We are on a cruise ship, a new big one with all the bells and whistles. We are walking through, dressed and ready to go have a nice dinner followed by a comedy show. We are planning our next day in port, time on the beach followed by exploring a new island. Just be there and feel that for a few minutes.

Scenario 2..... picture a commercial building We are in a conference room, just me, you and a man in a suit. We are sitting across from each other at a big table with papers all around. We are splitting up assets, deciding who gets what, and finalizing the terms for S. We both have pens and are getting ready to sign the petition for divorce. We know when we leave, everything will be different. New lives, not spending time together, New partners, a new start ahead. Feel that and be there for a few minutes.

I said, now, think deep. Which one feels right for you? Not which one you wish could happen or hope for. Which one brings a feeling of peace and content? One should feel more right than the other, that is the direction you should move towards.

Soooooooooo we will see if any of that sinks in or just flies off with the wind. Funny thing though, if he does try my exercise, he may not feel anything towards either, which is exactly where we are at and have been for 3 years! Lol! so they may be a waste of time for him. But for me, that is the trick to helping me realize, I am not ready to be the one to put us at that table. I can be there and am ready to deal with it, but I am not ready to initiate it.

I am off work today. Since the market has slowed down a bit, normal for this time of year, instead of lay offs, my company offered a voluntary unpaid day off each pay period. I am not thrilled about it but I can make it work. Me and my office agreed we would rather do this than see any of us let go. So I have some free time on my hands! S is excited for me to pick him up after school, going to make it a nice day.

Thanks for listening and being a part of my journey. I will update if anything further happens.

M

[HaWho]

Mleigh - it's so nice to hear an update as I think of you often. You sound like you're doing so well!

I would be curious to know why exactly it bothered your h so much that these people thought you two were divorced. And if I were you, I might even ask him in a casual sort of way to better understand his line of thinking. Maybe in a "hey, how come that bothered you so much?" sort of way.

In all honesty, he does live like a divorced guy. And so does my h who lives in the SAME house as me. And obviously during hardcore replay days they lived like they'd never even been married. If any of those people saw that behavior, well, of course they would assume he was divorced.

I certainly am not condoning people gossiping. But is that what bothered him most about all this? Does he not realize that for the most part he DOES live like a divorcee?

Anyway, it's great to hear from you. I wish you continued strength and happiness.

[mleigh4]

You know HW, I am glad you ask that question because it has been eating at me. First of all, he refers to me as his wife with his boss??? Does he forget he hasn't treated me like a wife since he fired me over 3 years ago, who is he kidding? And the term he used...."We could walk away from the marriage". Again, he did that over 3 years ago! It's like he really doesn't realize the scope of what he has done and what's happening.

And yes, I will take part of the blame for that because I have been WAY too available.

[mleigh4]

HW, I did end up reaching out to H with some questions and wanted to share his responses.

I asked him why it bothers him that people are saying we are divorced. His answer: He wasn't making a point of it bothering him that people say that, he didn't even know they were, he was just giving an example of the strange things ex friend was running around saying about him. He also wanted to make sure I know he has never referred to me as his ex wife to anyone, because I'm NOT. Whether I care or want to think of myself as his ex wife is my choice.

He pointed out that he does not have the answers on what to do, but I am the one who is saying that living together would not be a smart choice, and I brought up the option to divorce, SO, he asked, what do you want from me?

Ahhh, you gotta love his expertise at turning it back to me. He IS very good at that! From what I read from that, he is bothered by how he looks to others, doesn't want to be the bad guy, it will be my choice to end the marriage, at least he will make sure that is his story.

So I answered like an adult and said I want a resolution to this, I want us to decide what we are going to do.

S birthday was the next day, H had him in the morning, dropped him off at school, I had him in the evening. H texted saying it seems I don't want to do things together anymore, but he really would like to see S that evening.

I replied that I would never keep him from seeing his son on his birthday. I said our conversations have not been clear so I will try again. My emotions have all kind of come out of nowhere, so I decided to let him know this was coming from spending time on our last vacation, and the mixed feelings it brought up in me. I couldn't help but wonder what I was doing, what we were doing, and what it meant. I told him I also wondered if it was really good for us to be doing that without knowing those answers. I said we have both fallen into this comfort zone of family sometimes, single the rest, that I have been happy with it, life is good, but I just have a chitty marriage. But I am starting to feel the example for S may not be good and at this point it feels we are just wasting our time. I gave him what I think our options are.....commit to some meetups so we can talk face to face about the issues and see where that takes us. Or, we can live our lives separately until one of us can pull that trigger.

He said he wants to have some talks and we would start scheduling those. He came over for S birthday and helped with cooking and making cupcakes. He offered to help in anyway for S party the next day, even picking up kids for me if I needed. We chatted about different things from during this week and had a pleasant evening.

Hopefully the talks will start happening, in the meantime, I am trying to be strong and assertive with myself, no more buddy buddy hang out friends time! I pulled out my passive aggressive book to re-read, because he is a poster child for that.

Looking forward to S party tonight! Then I have a hike planned with a friend in the morning. Some fresh air will do me good, it's been an emotional week.

Hope you all have a nice weekend, take care.
M

[job]

Happy Birthday to your son! I hope everything goes well this evening.

[mleigh4]

Thank you Job, S had a great birthday party!