By the grace of God

[mleigh4]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695028#Post2695028

Link to old thread if I did it right! Heard this song today, by the grace of God, and it gave me chills. Perfect start to a new thread.

I am still reading my new book, How can I Forgive you, and I really like it. I am all about the holidays right now, I feel very upbeat and positive. I baked goodies today, shopping is done, I am ready! S is pretty excited too.

Things are staying smooth on the H front. I feel something, some kind of energy coming from him, not sure what it is. S told me he didn't get a Christmas tree for his place. Like I've said, it appears the excitement of his place has worn off. He isn't keeping it up like he used to.

I remain pulled back and quiet, but happy and positive.

Bttrfly, I can't get a post on your thread....I am thinking of you and sending big hugs and warm thoughts.

[bttrfly]

Merry Christmas M xoxoxo

[Irish M]

Merry Christmas Mleigh xoxo

[job]

Merry Christmas to you and your family. I'll be thinking of you today. I hope everything goes smoothly and all of you can enjoy yourselves.

[mleigh4]

Bttrfly, Irish, Job Merry Christmas to you and everyone else! I hope your day was peaceful and loving.

Well, the holiday went very well. I had been on a holiday high all week, so I was ready for good times.

Saturday S and I started with a visit to my mom. This was a first in years, I usually avoid her like the plague. Since our blowout this year, when I cut her out of my life, then us working on things, and mostly, finally getting her heartfelt apology for the way she has treated me, things have been better between us. The visit went well and I was glad we went.

Afterwards, S and I stopped off for a quick visit to one of my girlfriends, I was looking forward to seeing her kids home from college.

After, we met up with H at MIL. Big step for me!! I haven't been in 3 years. One SIL was there, so it was nice to see her. The other SIL is still MIA, but hopefully safe (has drug issues) Everyone voiced they were really happy to see me, it was strangely comfortable, not awkward.

S and I headed back home. H was going to meet us there later to stay the night. He showed up with his unwrapped gifts and wrapped them in the other room. His annual wrap on Christmas Eve event! He was done after S and I went to bed, he decided to sleep in S bed with him. Lol, I might bite, right!? Actually, Sleeping arrangements were never brought up, I figured just let it play out, didn't matter to me.

I woke up to H and S talking and went in to all snuggle together, then up for presents. H had them all displayed nicely, he even remembered to fill my stocking this time! (Last year he didn't, try explaining that one to S! We had to sneak candy in it) We made a big breakfast and hung out for the day. It was very comfortable and very normal. FIL came over later that evening and wrapped up the night. When H left to go home, S exclaimed, you're leaving?? So, it's back to reality.

H opened up to me about having to fire our friend he works with after the holidays. It surprised me that he did, since I had accused H of not treating him very well. I listened and validated, even asked him how he felt about that, then comforted his dread of the upcoming termination and loss of a friend.

I find the time spent together nice, you all know that, but it is confusing. I wonder to myself, how did we get here?? How can we enjoy each other so much, it's so obvious, yet be in this place?

I finished my book on forgiveness and am just letting it all sink in. I am just going to go with the flow, let the holidays play out, enjoy it for what it is, and do my best to not let it get too deep. I had a good cry release in the shower today, just grieving still for our loss, for all of us. But very grateful we are able to continue positive memories during such a difficult time.

Wishing you all a very Happy New Year. I am thinking of goals for myself and have some good ones in mind.

Xxoo

[BrightFuture]

Mleigh, thanks for stopping by at my thread. Happy belated Christmas to you!

I’m glad to you had a peaceful time with you Mom! I'm also happy to read about your visit with your MIL and H's family. Sounds like it all went well! It seems like you had a great Christmas with your son and H, in spite of the sleeping arrangements and that your H had to leave at the end to go to his place...

I find the time spent together nice, you all know that, but it is confusing. I wonder to myself, how did we get here?? How can we enjoy each other so much, it's so obvious, yet be in this place?

This resonated with me so much! I could have written it myself... The two days in H's company... seemingly enjoying the conversations, etc... and going back to our own places at the end...

Mleigh, it is still difficult... even after all this time... I hope that the good memories will make up for any hurt and tears... I haven't cried yet... but, I'm still to process what the h#ll happened this past weekend. I'm wishing you a very happy New Year! Please share your goals! I'm always reading your posts, I think you have so much to offer and you have so much insight into things. Do I need to mention a tremendous patience you have... I'm sure there are some great things waiting for you in the New Year! Mleigh, you deserve it!

[CaliGuy]

M

Thank you for the Christmas wish ... and I am very happy to see that you had a good holiday given all the circumstances that have culminated over the past few years.

Hope 2017 brings you all you deserve and more.

[bttrfly]

Hi M,
Glad you had a good Christmas. Now is the time to set your intentions and release that which no longer serves ... 2016 is a "9" year - end of a cycle. 2017 is a "1" year- beginning of a new cycle. Really important to let all go that we don't want to take into the new cycle. I think even if we can't forgive yet, the intention is what's important! Make any sense? xoxoxo

[Sotto]

Hi MLeigh, I'm glad you guys had a nice time. As you say, it is confusing - but it is good that you can spend some quality time together - particularly for your S.

The main thing is that - whilst confused - you are also grounded and wise...xx

Have a happy new year my friend

[mleigh4]

Happy New Year everyone! I love the beginning of the new year, it always brings me a feeling of new beginnings and starting fresh. Part of that comes from putting all my Christmas stuff away and getting my home back in order!

I was able to take some time off here and there over the past 2 weeks while son was off school and that has been wonderful! We love our down time together, although we both tend to be quite the homebodies! I feel we needed the rest though, I am feeling recharged.

Bright, thank you for stopping by! Our H are still our friends, which makes the whole thing a bit tougher....but I think it's because of a special bond we have. My resolutions include anger management, my last blow up at H left me feeling emotionally drained, I want this venom out of me. I also want to direct more attention on me, with healing, by reading more, yoga, nature hikes. Additionally, I want to teach S that I am more than just mommy. I want him to see my other sides, a co-worker, a friend, and a woman with hobbies. This will mean dragging him out from time to time, but something tells me it's not good for me to spend all my time with him just doting on him. I want him to see there is more to me, and with him turning 10 soon, I think it's time.

Hey Cali, you are sounding good on your thread. I hope this year brings you good things.

Hi Bttrfly, funny you talk about releasing what no longer serves me. This continues to be my anger and resentments towards H. After Christmas, I started journaling my thoughts and feelings. It wasn't pretty at first, I listed all the things he did that hurt me so much, asking how he could be so cold?? It then turned into journaling the pain, the long term effects I continue to feel from it all. It helped to get it out, I am hoping it was a form of release, the pages will be burned in my fireplace soon. It all comes down to needing to see he is sorry for the pain he caused me. I need to hear it, in words. His actions seem to show it at times, but I need more. If that never comes, we will remain friends on a superficial level, for our son.

Hi Sotto, spending time together is definitely good for my son and it's nice to hear your support. I recall an attorney, a therapist and friends telling me it's no good. It's fake family time, not good for my son, but I beg to differ. We spend time together laughing, playing, with a genuine love and caring surrounding us. That's pretty real to me. I see a different side of my son when H is here....he interacts more, he wrestles and plays, his goofy side comes out more, and he seems so happy. It's hard for me sometimes, but something I can deal with for S. I know he doesn't see H and I being affectionate, but I believe he does see a deeper love that is there, a result of 17 years in each other's lives, and a shared bond with him.

It's weird for me, the anger and resentments I only feel when H is not around. When together, it washes away, unless a trigger comes up, but overall you would never know those dormant feelings were there.

I planned a nice mellow New Years for S and I. Plans to make a yummy dinner and just hang out. I wanted to invite H, but couldn't bring myself to. If he answered saying he had plans, I would have felt weird, so I figured I would wait to hear from him. Friday night, he texted asking if he could spend New Years Eve with S and I. So he came over, brought dessert, and we had a wonderful dinner. We watched the New Years shows together and just talked and joked around. Son decided to go to bed at 11:00 and wanted us all to lay with him, so we all, dog included, piled into S full size bed and immediately fell asleep! I eventually went to bed, but I woke up to H and dog still there with S in the morning. H complained of a horrible sleep. Unless you want to be smacked in the face by S while he sleeps, he is not a good bed mate. I told H, you should just go into the big bed (mine) next time. He agreed.

We all got up and had breakfast. S winter break is coming up in February and I want to take us to the snow to Lake Tahoe, with dog in a pet friendly vacation home. H wants to come so we started looking at vacation rentals. We hung out for half the day, then H went home.

We are supposed to go on a hike all together today. I also joined a meet up group for the state park I enjoy, so I can go on group hikes and meet some new people.

Overall, I had a very nice holiday and am looking forward to a new year. I am excited to continue the work on me, and to see where it takes me.

Wishing you all the best in the new year. Xxoo