Hello. I am so sorry I haven't been around much. I check your posts here and there when I can, but honestly it's been a mix of staying busy and needing a bit of a break. I see so many new names on here, it breaks my heart when I see a new poster....but I remain so grateful for this board and the strength and growth I gained here. I hope to be able to pay it forward when life slows down a little.
So, like I said, I have been non stop on the go. If it's my night with S, it's dinner, homework, bath, exercise, fall asleep! Nights without S are running errands or out with friends. I also take advantage of downtime and truly enjoy it. I continue to exercise on a regular basis, eat healthy and get good sleep. Physically I feel pretty great. Although, I struggle to stay awake past 9:00! Work is still going great and business remains steady. Overall, I am happy. I have some up and down days.....
Mainly my down days are the frustration and disappointment with H. My feelings towards him remain to be an anger at him that he put us so far beyond broken that I just don't see a way to come out together. And I am ok with that....in fact...not to sound superior or better than him, but I truly feel he does not deserve me or my kindness. Ouch, right?
We continue to stay friends and spend time together. He came over for Thanksgiving, it was just the three of us. I cooked up a spread, which I love to do. He showed up 10 minutes after I said food would be ready, empty handed....real classy. We did have a good night.
He has come over several times, accepting invitations to come try out a new recipe as I have been a cooking nut. We get along well, so it's been enjoyable....but empty. All conversations are about H. He NEVER asks how I am. Spending all this time with H has been good in that I truly am able to see he is still a shell of who he used to be. This is real, he is no longer the man I knew, fell for or married. He is courteous and friendly, but like how he would be with a stranger. There is just nothing there, for me either...
We have had a few disagreements and I have been very upfront and honest with him. One recent one was my Son's best friends mom marrying her partner. H was all in to go to the wedding with S and I, even gave me money for 1/2 the gift. 3 days before, he tells me his concerns about S going to a gay wedding, his explanation being that he worried S would think that was what marriage is about. I got really upset, these are good friends who love our S like their own. I told H that and assured him OUR marriage is the example S will remember! H started in with this is why he can't talk to me, I get too mad. I reminded him that he married an Italian firecracker and to stop taking my passionate expressions so darn personal. I ended up going by myself and it was beautiful.
Friends always ask about how H is, and some have confided how hurt they are that he just dropped them. This last week H had a big blowout with his closest friend, who he works with. He told me friend told him he no longer knows who he is anymore, that he has become so mean. Boy was it hard to STFU on that one.
The latest blowup was when S told me, when it was time to go to his dad's, that he was not going because daddy was making him go to the shooting range. H loves guns and shooting targets and has tried several times to get S interested. I asked H about it and let him know S was not comfortable going. Well, that started a whole spew of how I don't care how H feels, how S needs to be forced to try things....I agreed with him about trying new things, but when it comes to guns, people have a right to their own comfort zone, and if being around people shooting off guns makes S uncomfortable, as it does me, he should not be forced! H started pushing buttons, how I run my house, my parenting, and I just lost it. I told him he has become a complete a hole and left.
The texting spews started, he typed out a long explanation that he directed at me, and complaints of how much S spends on the computer, but actually explained him and his behavior to a tee. I couldn't have written it better and I let him know I am amazed at how he can't see that he just described himself perfectly. I told him I do my best, that I spend a lot of time taking care of a house I was left to take care of alone, that S and I are both doing quite well in spite of the fact self absorbed H blew up our family and home because he wasn't getting enough attention. I also pointed out that he is the one texting instead of talking face to face, and losing friends left and right, and that he is the one with the social issues, not our S.
By the way! On a very exciting side note, S was just recognized for getting a PERFECT score in math on the state wide testing assessment. He continues to be a straight A student and continues to be close with his buddies.
So anyway, H followed up by saying that he has been thinking a lot about S, and me, and what he should do, what would be best for all of us, and using the time we have been spending together to help him with this, but I make it so difficult when I act like this.
Now, this is where I know I have reached a whole new level in this. I can actually, clearly see that H thinks this ball is still in his court, that he still has me on some string that he can control, that he still has the power to quiet me down to be a non expressive puppet because disagreeing or showing emotion is wrong.....well, I am no longer that woman. I know my worth, my strength.
It was truth dart time. I replied that I was trying to talk about the one topic, the shooting range, and that he made it into me not caring about what he thinks, as usual. I pointed out that during the difficult times we had, when he felt unloved, if he ever realised I wasn't quite myself, that maybe something bigger was going on, but instead, all he could think about was what he wasn't getting, instead of what he could be giving. I told him I have tried very hard to be his friend, although honestly he doesn't deserve my kindness, I have been patient and understanding, to let him back in my life that HE cut himself out of in one of the coldest and most uncaring ways I have ever been treated. I told him this experience has been a blessing in teaching me to be a better person and better friend, to appreciate things on a whole new level. But, I have realized I am not good at forgiveness.
I let him know I have lost so much respect for him, how he has treated me and our friends, his opinions...I asked do you really not understand a mother being uncomfortable with her 9 year old son being forced to be around guns when he doesn't want to?? I told him he is really good at pushing my buttons, and as much as I try to keep things about S only, the anger and resentments come back. No matter how he was raised, I told him he is an adult and old enough to do things different and better, as I am. I told him not to waste his time thinking about what to do, that this will remain about S only. I told him I keep hoping the H I know is somewhere in there, but I just don't see him anymore.
Whew!!! So there you have it. I cannot forgive H, I don't like who he has become, and I don't see change. He has not earned my friendship, my kindness, and it's taken me to get close to him to realize it, if that makes any sense. I am grateful I had that opportunity because I am able to see what an empty fake shell he is, and I needed to see that. Since Thanksgiving, I have felt myself pulling back and away from him. It's hard for me, I am a nurturing person, it's my nature, but I have reached a point of feeling....used....taken advantage of....way too good for this guy.....I know I put myself in that position...but I now am taking myself out of it.
Forgiveness....that is a big subject here and many discussions I have been a part of here. I suppose my stand is it is possible, if they truly show remorse and regret, which is nothing I have seen with my H. He seems to be considering if I am worthy of him still. HA!
All the advise, the comforts and encouragement from friends, telling me I am so above him, such a good person to be so nice to him, opening my home, cooking for him....I heard it all, but am just now feeling it. I feel I have outgrown him, to put it simply.
Sending good wishes and love to you all! Please stay true to yourselves. We all go through this in our own way, do what works for you, as a lesson to learn may be there.
Xxoo
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
That is so nice to read that you are getting a stronger person and that you know your worth. At times people need a few truth dart. You are doing very well.
You have grown by leaps and bounds and I'm truly glad that you hit him with a huge truth dart. Now, he has something to chew on and really think about because you aren't the only one that has truth darted him this year.
I'm so sorry it's still all about him and this may never change. Unfortunately, he doesn't realize or care that your son isn't interested in going to the firing range. He can't fathom that his son isn't into the same interests that he is. He can't get down to your son's level and communicate and do things w/him because your son is a very intelligent young man who is far more mature than his father. What a shame your h can't appreciate his son for who he is.
Congratulations to your son on the math! Your son works very hard to get those A's. You've done an excellent job being a great mom to him and he'll remember that.
Keep up the good work. It's time that the string was cut between your h and you. Yes, he still thinks you are right where he left you pre-crisis and that you would continue to hear his BS...but I'm sure he was shocked and you know what? Shame on him! He's facing the consequences of his actions. Enough is enough and it's time he heard a bit of the truth.
Take care of yourself, your son and your fur babies. You've got this!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It is so nice to hear an update from you! I've been thinking about you.
Kudos to your son on that perfect math score!! Woo hoo.
I can feel your empowerment resonating through your post. Good stuff!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Good to hear from you MLeigh and pleased to read how well you are doing. Great work from your S on the grades too - good lad!!
That's a shame about your H & S and the shooting thing. In the UK, there is far, far less of a gun thing going on and in general, we find the whole gun obsession in the US pretty worrying. It is never a great plan to try and shoehorn your kids into activities they don't want to do - far better to find common ground and things you don't enjoy.
From what you post, it doesn't sound as though your H has really become reflective or grown - compared to you I think he is a ways behind and I can see why he may not appeal to you right now. It is good that you manage to spend some pleasant time together though - that's a positive for your S I think.
Take care ML xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Friends always ask about how H is, and some have confided how hurt they are that he just dropped them. This last week H had a big blowout with his closest friend, who he works with. He told me friend told him he no longer knows who he is anymore, that he has become so mean. Boy was it hard to STFU on that one.
Good job on the STFU Smoothie!
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By the way! On a very exciting side note, S was just recognized for getting a PERFECT score in math on the state wide testing assessment. He continues to be a straight A student and continues to be close with his buddies.
That is fabulous! So proud of him! Woot !!!! Woot!!!!
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Now, this is where I know I have reached a whole new level in this. I can actually, clearly see that H thinks this ball is still in his court, that he still has me on some string that he can control, that he still has the power to quiet me down to be a non expressive puppet because disagreeing or showing emotion is wrong.....well, I am no longer that woman. I know my worth, my strength.
It really is all about control with these guys, isn't it?
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I pointed out that during the difficult times we had, when he felt unloved, if he ever realised I wasn't quite myself, that maybe something bigger was going on, but instead, all he could think about was what he wasn't getting, instead of what he could be giving. I told him I have tried very hard to be his friend, although honestly he doesn't deserve my kindness, I have been patient and understanding, to let him back in my life that HE cut himself out of in one of the coldest and most uncaring ways I have ever been treated. I told him this experience has been a blessing in teaching me to be a better person and better friend, to appreciate things on a whole new level. But, I have realized I am not good at forgiveness.
This resonated with me so very much. Are you sure we aren't married to the same man? I remember pre- BD by a few years asking stbxh why he chose to concern himself with what I wasn't doing for him instead of asking what was going on with me that was preventing that. I cannot remember his response, but I know it wasn't, "ok then honey, are you ok?"
In fact, this also made me remember something I'd forgotten in my grief: all the times STBXH would say I was doing x or y or z to "screw him" ... ? This is on those rare occasions when we would argue. It really is a weird point of view, isn't it?
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I let him know I have lost so much respect for him, how he has treated me and our friends, his opinions...I asked do you really not understand a mother being uncomfortable with her 9 year old son being forced to be around guns when he doesn't want to?? I told him he is really good at pushing my buttons, and as much as I try to keep things about S only, the anger and resentments come back. No matter how he was raised, I told him he is an adult and old enough to do things different and better, as I am. I told him not to waste his time thinking about what to do, that this will remain about S only. I told him I keep hoping the H I know is somewhere in there, but I just don't see him anymore.
You certainly gave him a lot to mull over.
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Whew!!! So there you have it. I cannot forgive H, I don't like who he has become, and I don't see change. He has not earned my friendship, my kindness, and it's taken me to get close to him to realize it, if that makes any sense. I am grateful I had that opportunity because I am able to see what an empty fake shell he is, and I needed to see that. Since Thanksgiving, I have felt myself pulling back and away from him. It's hard for me, I am a nurturing person, it's my nature, but I have reached a point of feeling....used....taken advantage of....way too good for this guy.....I know I put myself in that position...but I now am taking myself out of it.
I'm delighted that you have had these realizations. What I hope ultimately happens for you is that in time you can find forgiveness. We forgive for ourselves, not for them, as it frees us from being tied to them.
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Forgiveness....that is a big subject here and many discussions I have been a part of here. I suppose my stand is it is possible, if they truly show remorse and regret, which is nothing I have seen with my H. He seems to be considering if I am worthy of him still. HA!
There's a difference between forgiving and forgetting babe. I get it, believe me. I struggle with forgiving stbxh for what he's done to our son. I'm an adult. I chose to be married to this man. Our boy didn't have a choice here. I don't want a lack of forgiveness to keep any part of me stuck to him and that's where I'm coming from when I say this to you because I want that same freedom for you.
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I feel I have outgrown him, to put it simply.
Yes. I know what you mean.
M I'm so glad you posted as I've missed you very much and wondered what's going on with you. You are strong and vibrant and moving on. Too bad your H is stuck. It's so funny to me that they expect us to be where they left us, when in fact it is often the case that we've moved so far beyond that while they remain behind.
You are an incredible mom and friend and deserve so much more. You've been patient, kind and loving and not gotten much back. My Christmas wish for you is continued good health and happiness and success for your and your boy and that your H - the one you married, not the guy he is now - shows up, if that's what you want.
much love xoxoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Great to hear an update from you .... even if its not all daises and rainbows. You continue to get stronger as the time goes by and your H continues to amaze me.
The thing about the guns .... your son is about the same age as mine, for some time I was into the desert off-roading thing, took S once and he did not dig it at all ... as a Man/Father I think sometimes we want our sons to be mini-me's .... I am a off road/camping/fishing/softball/football kinda guy. Well S9 really only likes maybe 1/2 of those activities and I just accept that, maybe he is to young and will come around .. maybe not. I am not saying your S will soon love the gun thing ... like off-roading I do not see my son ever really taking to it so I just let it be ... as your H should but we know we are not dealing with a complete person here. My hunch .... its him trying to connect on that Father/Son level by sharing one of his passions with your son, this seems to be the trend with the dirt track, drone and all those kid-type activities he has immersed himself in.
I think its great you are standing up to him and firing off truth darts .... I hope you continue to have a wonderful Holiday Season!
^^^ M, before stbxh went off the deep end, back in the day he was very eager to have S take up fishing, which is something stbxh has loved since childhood. S had zero interest. Stbxh was so sad. Cali is right: Stbxh told me that he wanted to share that with son as it's something he and his father never did.
Fast forward and son now loves fishing, and goes with his friends.
just my $.02 ... xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
xx