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Hey 2T, there is lot of things you posted resonate with me… Your H kind of “closing” the door, because he thinks that there is too much damage… and thinking about you and how he would not want to hurt you again… and not trusting himself… I can see my H in all of these… And, ironically, the life that his friends promote, when not being officially divorced, but living it like single people, free to be in any R with any OW… It think that my H thinks that is not right, but he it is probably way too comfortable for him right now, or/and he is too chicken to do anything…

Back to your H… I don’t think he closed the door on your H. He would not be inviting you to the trip if he’s done that. I agree with you that he might not get what he is looking for, if that is that infamous spark, LOL. But, at least he is trying… You just never know what comes out of it. I’m glad that you agreed to this trip. I have all the confidence in you, that you will have no expectations and will be able to handle everything just fine. Treat it like an adventure, like an experiment, if you will… Be yourself and enjoy yourself!

I got a chuckle about him sharing the info with you on his first dates with OWs, LOL. These MLCer have no clue… really… You are right, he sabotages his R with potential OWs before they can even start. I tells me that he still has a very tight connection to you. I’m sure his “gut” tells him that you are the best that he can find ever… But… he is in MLC… and tells it all…

2T, can’t wait for your adventure story! Hugs…


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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2Times ... been a month. Where are you, girl? Miss you and a bit concerned that you are ok????

xoxoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Oct 2013
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I know I've been MIA for quite a while but I'm still alive and breathing.

My sister's health took a sudden turn for the worst and BIL and I had to make the decision to turn off the machines a couple of weeks before Christmas. It was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. She was my only sibling and I miss her terribly. She was only 60.

She wanted to be cremated, so we did that and postponed her service until after the holidays. It was so bizarre at the cemetery. I was standing there looking at my mom and dad's graves, as well as my grandparent's, and the only thought that kept going through my mind was, "They're all gone. I'm the only one left." I was a mess for a long time.

H wasn't here at the time, but did offer to fly back. He was due to come back a few days later anyway, so I told him to stick to his schedule.

We took the Christmas trip anyway as it was prepaid and non-refundable. He did a good job of distracting me and it turned out okay under the circumstances. I enjoyed it and it was a good distraction.

H left after the holidays and was back a few weeks later. He was very good to me. I saw glimpses of the compassion and empathy I had seen in him in the past so I was grateful that he was able to pull it together long enough to "take care of me" and give me a chance to work through my grief without all this other stuff hanging over my head. Unfortunately, that was temporary.

Since then I've been slowly pulling my life back together. I bought a new car and have booked two cruises ... one in late summer and another next spring. (Had to space them out so I could pay for them. LOL)

My two oldest granddaughters were here a couple of weekends ago and we had a great time shopping, visiting the nail salon, eating out and watching movies until the wee hours.

I've been working on a rather big project ... scanning all our photos into the computer. I had a digital photo frame that got damaged. It was mostly images of the grandkids. I decided I wanted to put some photos on it of places I've been, my kids in their younger years, etc, so I purchased an inexpensive scanner and went to work. It actually turned out to be very therapeutic. So glad I did it!

I stopped seeing my IC. She was very good in helping weather the crisis storm, but she began to push too hard for me to "do" something. Get a D, sell the house, move to another state. That may very well be my future, but I'm not there yet and I'm not the kind to make hasty decisions and I want to take my time to figure out the right path for me. I haven't figured that out yet ... not completely. She just seemed to want to rush that and I felt it was time to part ways.

As for H ... as I said, he was very good for two trips after Sis died. I actually thought that maybe somehow my sister's death would bring us closer ... maybe something good would come from that loss. But, I was wrong.

The next trip home (a couple of weeks ago), he was back to distant H ... to the point I felt like he was deliberately ignoring me. I've quite obviously changed my hairstyle and he didn't mention it. I figure even if he didn't like it, he could at least say, "You've changed you hair." At least acknowledge it. I've seen that H before and that H is usually involved with an OW.

He had asked that I make him a copy of all the photos I was scanning. I did and included a bunch of his family as well as pics he'd sent me of trips he'd taken (without me) since he moved overseas. I was quite proud of my organization and the images he wouldn't expect to see.

So I put his flash drive in a box, wrapped it and included a note that I hoped he enjoyed the digital album as much as I enjoyed creating it. He didn't look at it!

We took a trip to a casino in the next state (about a three hour drive) and I made sure I was attractively dressed. I noticed him looking me up and down a couple of times but did a compliment come out? No.

But I had vowed before he came back that I would be as nice to him as I was to the checkout girl at the grocery store and I stuck to it. I suppose my thinking was that he put forth effort to be kind to me and I should return the gesture.

I was bubbly and happy ... cracking jokes while driving, gambling, etc., listening to the music on the radio that he now "likes" and biting my tongue ... a lot. I was very, very nice, which was difficult because he was behaving like an a$$.

He did seem to melt a little and told me a couple of times that he really enjoyed the weekend.

Then once he left ... well, I would say he's gone dark or at least very dim. Don't know what is going on, but it's a 180 from the previous couple of months.

I strongly suspect OW3. He told me he was getting Hep A and Hep B vaccinations because it's "so prevalent over there." Uh, okay. You've been there for 3 years and now this is a priority?

He also received a package here at the house from Tiffany's. I told him that if he was expecting a package, it had arrived but didn't let on I knew where it came from. His reply? "Package? Hmmm...think I was waiting for something before I left that didn't arrive before I left. No big deal." Is this the "I want to get caught" scenario? Regardless, if it's not for me, it's a cruel thing to do to have it shipped here.

Anyway, I'm doing well and moving forward. Looking forward to a good year. There are some bucket list items I'm looking into.

If there's one thing I've learned from my sister's death it's that life goes on and to live it to the fullest while you can.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Easter.

2T


Me: 59 and holding
H: :53
Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown
M: 19
T: 23
BD: 9-23-2013
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Hi 2T, I'm so sorry to hear about your sister.

It sounds like you're doing well, especially considering everything. I thinks it's good that you are taking your time figuring out what you want instead of taking the IC's advise. No reason to rush big decisions. Keep taking care of yourself!

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I am so very sorry to read about your sister. It's always difficult to make decisions about someone's life. She struggled for quite a while and now she's at peace w/o the pain and suffering.

You sound well and grounded. Take your time figuring things out. Don't rush into doing anything when you are angry. The most important thing is to take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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2T

I am so very sorry to hear of your sister's passing. I hope you (and BIL) find comfort in your faith or whatever support system you have.

The image of the cemetery really resonates, though my mom's ashes have still not been put somewhere (b/c there are 9 children who must agree.) But the "orphans" scenario even at our age, hurts and is surreal.

And yes, life is short. So very short...we need to figure a way to live it well.

Sorry your h is not there for you. He is inconsistent and shows up at times, but at some point you'll have to ask yourself if that is enough

and when you decide it is/isn't, you'll decide to DO something.

If I had lost one of my 3 sisters (let alone my only sibling), it would be hard to act or DO for awhile.

I'd call that grief. Hope you find another T. It's a lot to cope with.

I ache for you


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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{{{{{{{2T}}}}}}}
I am so sorry about your sister. I hope you and BIL are comforted by your many memories and the knowledge that she is no longer in pain.

Sometimes the best and only thing we can do for someone else is to allow them to move forward on their journey, regardless of what that journey may be.

I think you are right to nurture yourself at this time. You have a lot to process.

thank you for the update ... we are here for you xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 444
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Thank you kyh, Job, 25 and bttrfly for your good wishes.

25, I find it interesting that your used the word "orphans" in your reply. I expressed to H after the service that I felt like an orphan. Can you believe he laughed as though I was joking?

Job, I no longer get angry. Those feelings are no longer there. I actually feel pity toward H. I've accepted that he is who he is and the only one who can change him is him. What he does in his life (on a personal level) no longer affects me unless I allow it to. I admit, there are times that it does get under my skin, but I no longer feel anger, just pity.

He's done so much damage to his life, so much damage to the people who love him and care about him and it's pretty obvious to me that he has a lot of regrets but is too cowardly to step up and make the changes he needs to make. (Ironically, I told him when I found out about his PA 3 1/2 years ago that unless he got help, all the people in his life who cared for and loved him would have nothing but bad memories of him in the end.) Instead, he deludes himself into thinking/feeling that the superficial relationships and friendships he's developed over there are bringing him happiness. He had the admiration and respect of many people in his life and now he seeks the admiration and respect of others to replace what he's lost.

Over there, no one knows who he really is. All they see are the masks he wears. He brags about how many "friends" he has, his active social life, etc. But judging from how often the names of his friends change, I would venture to guess they eventually see behind his illusion and move on.

Over here, he's ostracized nearly everyone who once cared about him. My two kids liked and respected him. My grandkids adored him and still ask about him. He hasn't seen or communicated with any of them in nearly 4 years. The only exception is my son, who has asked to speak to him on the phone a couple of times when he happened to call while H was here. My son is a good kid.

Just before BD, his Dad was telling him how proud he was of H and what he'd built (the company). He hasn't seen his parents in 9 months even though they live just a few miles from here and his Mom is in poor health.

He had it all ... a successful business (which is slowly fading) and family and friends who loved and respected him. Then he blew it all to smithereens. I suppose that is the one thing I'll never understand. Who does that?

As for me, prior to Part 1, I was totally devoted to H. I suppose I did a good job for most of those years of feeding him the admiration he needed. At some point, that apparently wasn't enough and he got involved in a EA with another woman. That totally devastated me as I never saw it coming. He fell off his pedestal big time and I've never been able to put him back back up there. I suppose if after that initial betrayal he had met me half way and really put some effort into rebuilding, I might have been able to see him through those devoted eyes again and put him back on that pedestal, but he didn't. After all that has taken place in the past 4 years, I seriously doubt that would ever happen.

Sadly, I think he realizes that. He often expresses regret about what we "used to have" and that he'll never find that kind of love again. It's as though he's decided that his transgressions were of such a magnitude that they can never be atoned for so accept the consequences and move on. It isn't me who is unwilling to try ... it's him.

So, instead, he has filled his life with people who will admire him and seek out his company, I suppose to prove to himself that in spite of all he's done, he's still a worthy individual whom others value. But they only see his mask.

So, in his mind, he can't go home. There is no one left who will see him the way they used to. The idea that he could make amends either doesn't occur to him, is too difficult or too humiliating.

So that's how I see things and it's why I just don't get angry anymore. I feel so sorry for him. I do love him and part of me always will, but until or unless he decides to stop running from himself, there's nothing for me to do except let him be and live my own life.

And I don't feel like what I'm doing now is "doing nothing." I continue to do what I do ... stay married and involved in the company ... because it's in my long term financial interest to do so. So in my eyes, I am doing something. I'm navigating the stormy waters now to insure smooth sailing ahead. My IC just didn't get that concept.


Me: 59 and holding
H: :53
Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown
M: 19
T: 23
BD: 9-23-2013
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2T - I am sorry about your sister. I hope you are able to find support and comfort as you heal.

I think of you often and am glad you came to post an update.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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