Moving on to the next phase

[Pax_luv]

Thank you. Your feedback means the world to me.
If I was a spiteful person, I wouldn't give to shakes as to what he says. However, that certainly ain't me. I think he makes a good case. It actually makes me pause and question my sanity. I know better and yet I dont.

Thank you thank you. Keep the feedback coming. call me a control freak, but ive never sat back and trusted he universe, karma, etc. I've never ever ever been in a legal position before and all I want is due process. Every body says to trust that things will be ok and I'll be ok.... But I'm not ready to surrender yet.

Again, thank you for your feedback and guidance. This is so hard.

[Sotto]

Hi Pax, I agree with the posters above. Hopefully if your L bothers responding to that, it will be in the vein of - oh, I'm sorry you feel that way. My client is merely seeking a fair division of marital assets in the divorce process that you have begun.

Pay no heed - again, it sounds like a manipulative email - I know she won't want me to think she is spiteful and maybe if I suggest she is, she will drop the resistance...

Xx

[Esame]

I think the good old "believe nothing they say and only half of what they do" still applies here sweetie. Don't waste another minute of your life listening to anything he has to say for himself, he is not the person you fell in love with, he is a spiteful stranger.

If you find that strong man with a cabin and a fireplace ask him if he has any single brothers or cousins. That fantasy sounds good to me xxx

[Pax_luv]

Happy weekend to you all.

Just popping in to journal a bit.

My L has not responded to the last email from stbx. We'll just let it lie for now.

Went out to dinner last night and had to drive by my old house (it's up on a hill so I often see it)... Noticed stbx put out some holiday lights. I'm just going to be honest and share with you all that it irks me to no end! Before he met he, we was anti- holiday (probably because he's always been a bit of an eeyore) but I always Loved getting festive. This is our second holiday season apart and I still don't have it in me to get in the holiday spirit so it makes me frustrated/jealous (?) that he's getting into the holiday spirit this year. It's pointless for me to have an opinion on it, but I'm just trying to be real. On my way back from the dinner, I took a different route home.

Since I finished the 30 day bootcamp, I've been mulling over my next physical activity goal. I've been going back and forth between a few things and I just decided on doing the gym's 60 day challenge that starts mid- January. This is going to be incredibly more intense than the 30 day but my goal is to maaaaayyybbbeeee get fit enough to do a bikini/fitness competition in early spring. Ahhhhh! It's not something I've ever wanted to do mostly because I didn't think I had it in me, But now I know anything is possible and I want to try! It's going to be hard and will require discipline and I think I'm game!

Just wish I could fast forward through the d... It's so ugly and we have so much more to get through. I'll keep breathing. I'm so ready to put this behind me. I'm just done.

I still read about relationships and MLC every single night and every morning, and I'm starting to think its not serving me any more. I think by reading on MLC, it keeps me connected and makes me a little too lenient towards stbx and his behavior. I'm so done with him and his antics... Mostly because everything I've experienced is not new behavior for him. He's done it to everyone else he's had issues with. Time to drop him like a bad habit. I still want to learn and do the work, but i have to shift the focus of my reading into things that serve me.

Ok.... That's it for now. Wishing everyone a lovely weekend.

[Rouky]

What a lovely second part of your post. Like you I think that reading about MLC does educate us about, but it also prevents us from focusing on us. We can't undo the past, our H have to go on their own journey. With BD we have been forced to change but as you pointed out, your H has remained the same in his behaviour indicating that he isn't learning from his pasts mistakes. Unfortunately for him, it will carry on to happen until he learns what he has to learn.

You on the other hand have done a complete 180, you have become a better person and you are in constent discovery of who you are. Even when f at times you feel you might regret leaving H to give him time to think, look at what you have accomplished. Well done Pax_luv. I'm so proud of you and admire your strength.

[Sotto]

Hi Pax, I agree with you about the reading. It's incredibly helpful - to a point. Then it is best to let it go and focus on ourselves. You now understand that MLC may well be a feature and also that there are some traits in your STBX that you may have overlooked at the time - and may have big concerns about going forwards, if there were to be any reconciliation.

I feel the same way about XH. I do think MLC was a feature - he was mid 40s - felt he had a void within - lost a pile of weight - got really fit - resigned from his job - rescinded it - decided to start 'dating' whilst M - had an A etc...

Equally, he and I met a year after he and XW1 had S. They weren't yet D'd at that point. A few months after we had been dating, she asked him to go to counselling and he dropped that bomb on me. Then (red flag) he asked if we could carry on seeing each other whilst he tried that with her. I said absolutely not. He then contacted me nine months or so later to say they were getting D'd and wondered if I would like to meet up. I said yes. In hindsight, there were big concerns that I overlooked because I was so keen to be loved and accepted by someone. I would feel hugely concerned about this pattern with XH if we were ever to be together going forwards.

At the time, I put it down to him struggling in the aftermath of his first marriage breakdown. But then I layer on the behaviour in our M - and I see that his coping skills aren't great and he struggles to deal constructively and honourably with R struggles.

Don't worry about the Xmas lights - that's on him right? And good for you with the bikini challenge :-) xx

[job]

Sometimes we have to step away from all of the reading we do on MLC, depression and relationships. There's no harm or shame in taking a break from the Forum and the heavy reading. If you feel the need to step away for a bit, then by all means do so. We are always here and ready to listen.

[ciluzen]

I agree, pax. At some point, the reading and learning about MLC is done. We've achieved an understanding of what our S (or former S) is going through, and also with that an understanding that they have to go it alone for the most part. That's what I love about this forum and MWD's books...we can really only help our situation by focussing on creating the best "self" that we can, and letting them have the space to go through whatever it is they are going through; MLC or whatever.

They can be depressed, spiteful, mean, lonely, happy or sad with their new life. What does it really matter to us if they don't want us to be a part of it? If they withdraw into depression, we can be sad for them. If they lash out in anger, we can step away and L up to protect ourselves. If they are happy in their new life, its harder I think; but again, I guess we just have to look away and be happy that they found happiness. Throughout it all, that's what we should be focussing on for ourselves anyway; our own happiness without them. We should have been doing that all along, instead of thinking they could provide it all for us. Boy, that's a lot of pressure to put on someone!

Its normal to question what they're doing and why, and to try to figure them out. But at some point we realize that it won't bring the old relationship back; we've learned all about MLC and motives and its up to them to make their own way through. They may or may not want to revisit or reconnect, and that may or may not be nice depending on where we have taken ourselves, but we have really no control over that. So, we move forward and get happy. Its the best thing anyone can do for themselves.

[Sotto]

Absolutely Cil......well put! xx

[Pax_luv]

Rouky, Sotto, Job, and Cil... Thank you.

You are all so wise and I appreciate you taking the time to post on my thread.

The reading is like an addiction.... Like If I keep reading I may find the cure to all this! I think Ive accepted that this is futile and my energy should now be spent elsewhere. You can't say I didn't try!

I do think posting here is still good for me. For one, it is a 180. I'm an introvert, and I'm also kind of shy. So for me to be putting myself out there is good,as well as, investing in other people's stories. One thing I learned from this whole experience is that I want to have deeper connections with people. Up until now, a majority of my acquaintance/friends have been more superficial. I continue to change this and have much more intimate friendships as I continue on this path.

I just have to remove the MLC and marriage saving books off my kindle for now and replace them with other readings.

It's still very sad it came to this. If I was a spouse to someone who worked this hard to save a marriage, I would consider myself lucky.