Cabin in the woods

[CT1118]

AndrewP -

My Canadian brother, a big hug for you this holiday. I do love a chicken pot pie, but I decided to begin slower - gonna try some 3/4 pork chops with asparagus and home fried potatoes.

Be cool brother.

[Altair]

AP-- have that pot pie Christmas. hugs, (as best as you can get from a star)

Altair

[AndrewP]

Thank you my friends. I wasn't going to post anything today but what the heck. As many of you are as well I am sure, I am struggling today. I feel a bit guilty about that. Life is good. I have my health, a family who loves me, good friends. Many have so much less.

S22 came home on Friday night. We had a good ride home filling much of the ride with a podcast that we both enjoy. Very little to my surprise we had to stop so that he could buy gifts for me and his mother. He had some friends come by on Friday night and I went to bed early in part so that they could hang out without the old fart. We spent Saturday evening together watching Christmas movies. It has been a good visit. Very like his usual visits pre BD. He told me that he will be spending Boxing Day and the day after with his mother and that she will be coming to pick him up. He is vague about his plans beyond that.

Our gifts for D24 and her H have not arrived. Mine because they are stuck in the mail. 4 day guaranteed delivery has turned into almost 3 weeks of no delivery. Sigh. At least I have a tracking number. S22 left things to the last minute and his parcel is stuck in his mail-room to be picked up and then forwarded to his sister. A mid/late January Christmas for them. We had D24 and her H on Skype while we opened presents. I got a new bow tie and a lamp - both thoughtful gifts. French toast made with egg-nog instead of milk for breakfast. S22 seemed to quite like it. We joked a bit last night that the menu has a very "dad" slant to it mainly being things that we both like that are simple to make.

I did text a "Merry Christmas" to W last night - no response - no surprise. I have no indication from S22/D24 if they've heard from her but then I haven't asked. None of my business.

Dinner with my family on Thursday was good. My little nephew is a cuddle-bug who loves his Uncle A. Nobody asked about W and I never mentioned anything. I just felt burned out though and left fairly early.
While I was out grocery shopping Saturday I ran into a friend of W's who asked after her. She was shocked when I mentioned that I haven't really heard from her since July so couldn't tell her how she was doing. Later in the day a neighbour made a point of checking on me to ensure that I wouldn't be alone on Christmas. That was very kind of her.

I am stressed about the transfer of S22 from here to W. I'm figuring that it will in all likelihood be a non-event. Since S22 hasn't asked where anything is I presume she's not asking him to get any of her stuff ready for her. I was tempted to get things for S22 to put into W's Christmas stocking and did ask him if he wanted anything while I was shopping. He never told me and so I didn't buy anything. I am a bit disappointed that he's not even doing that for her but am leaving him be. I think he's pretty stressed about spending time with her too. It will be a bit weird for him I think. I've made a point of not being a "Disney Dad" - I actually used that phrase when I told him that I didn't have any grand adventures planned. This being his home though he's pretty comfortable here doing his own thing. There is nasty weather forecast for Boxing day so he and his mother will probably be cooped up in her apartment.

I've decided that after the New Year I am going to go through the pictures we have around the house and slowly swap out the ones that have W in them. I have digital copies of pretty much all the pictures that I want to keep plus a bunch that I don't so have packed many of the photos into boxes for W. S22 got her a digital photo album and spent much of Saturday going through the digital photos from the last 20+ years picking ones to put on it. I have no idea what ones he picked but it would be hard for him to avoid ones that don't show us as a happy family. I'm also going to pack up our wedding albums and put those with W's boxes. She can have them if she wants them.

The next big decision that I have to make is in January when our car club membership comes due. W has a secondary membership. The plan at the moment is to just pay the bill when it comes and not ask Mme Squirrel to make a decision about it. I am just getting so very tired of this and don't want to deal with anything any more. As I told a friend of mine before though when she commented that I did't "deserve" what was happening to me, you don't get what you "deserve". You get what you get and you need to deal with it.

According to the internet I need about 2 1/2 hours to roast up the 7lb chicken. Potatoes, vegetables, biscuits, dressing are on the menu with pie for desert. I have time for a bit of a hike. S22 went back to bed after breakfast - he sleeps an awful lot - probably a side-effect of his own depression.

Take care everyone.

[Coly23]

Seasons greetings AP! I hope your Christmas Day went well?

You have been such a comfort to many of us on here so it makes me sad to know that you are struggling . This time of the year as we all know is very hard but I think you are doing a great job continuing yout traditions for S22. I love the fact that he left it right to the last minute to buy gifts!!

Also as it comes to the end of the year we start reflecting on what we have been through and potentially what we will have to go through in the coming new year. That can be very scary and I for one am scared and exhausted with everything. I am also certain this time of the year can't be a bed of roses for our WS's either especially your W not spending Christmas day with her Children. I know I wouldn't know what to do with my self if I didn't see my D on a significant day such as this.

You have come a long way AP and I can see how much you have grown as a person in the way to look after yourself and your home and continue to stay positive for your D & S. As I have said before, although you don't agree with what your W has done, I admire how much you respect your W's need for space and even though you have been tempted to contact her on several occasions you have kept that boundary.

Keep doing things that make life more bearable for you whatever that might be and whether it affects your W directly or indirectly it should be for you. Make 2017 all about AP but keep that door slightly ajar so your W can see that you have left the light on for her and keep learning and adjusting.

Wishing you and your family peace and joy. Stay strong (((AP))).

[AndrewP]

Coly23- Thank you so much for the kind words. They make me feel good.

Journaling

I am currently laughing at myself in a sad way. Here I am, nicely dressed complete with my Christmas earring on, freshly shaved with nice aftershave - alone. The house smells nice with the bones from last night's chicken bubbling away to make the stock for the chicken pot pies. All just for me. In some ways it was my "fault" as we are currently having freezing rain so I sent W a text that the driveway was a sheet of ice and that she might have trouble getting out of it if she drove down. Part of me wished that she would have been "stuck" here. I did stand in the living room watching her across the street picking up S22. W never got out of her car. I did ask S22 to wish her a Merry Christmas from me and to send her my love. I think that the next 2 days will be tough ones for her. Part of me wonders if she'll introduce him to OM or tell S22 about him but I don't expect that to happen. OM may even no longer be in the picture. I have no way of knowing but do suspect that.

I was slightly surprised that S22 didn't take W's warm coats etc. I never suggested it to him and presumably W didn't either. None of my business. Coly23 - you'll have another chuckle at this. S22 had to dash up to his room to wrap the gift he got for W this morning before he left. He and his mother are two of a kind - not very organized and always leaving things to the last minute.

One other slightly sad thing is the bit of "theatre" and "staging" I have done around the house - in large part for S22's benefit. Our wedding pictures are still prominently displayed and there are lots of family pictures up on the wall, in part replacing the art that W took. I want him to know - which I am sure he does - that I still consider W to be part of our family and that I am very attached to her. I didn't want him to think that I was trying to erase her from my life. The pictures will be changing in the New Year. There are also lots of roses around the house. I am still buying 2 each week but with the colder weather they are lasting longer than a week so I got out 2 more bud vases and now have roses on the two bedside tables as well as on my desk and dresser.

W is bringing S22 back on Tuesday evening and he'll spend Wednesday here alone and I'll take him back to his apartment on Thursday morning. I had hoped he would have stayed longer but am grateful for the time I have had with him.

Christmas dinner went well. The dressing was out of a box but was the variety that W used to make and I made it similarly to her. I did have a minor "adventure in housekeeping" foolishly thinking to warm up the pie in front of the vent from the oven which caused the crust to get damp from the steam. It all worked out though. The chicken turned out quite nicely. After dinner S22 vanished into his room as usual and I was surprised when the next door neighbour rang my bell and invited me over to play dominoes. S22 was planning on a walk and so I went over for a drink and a couple of games of dominoes and a visit. There were some polite enquiries about my situation and offers of sympathy and support which I appreciated. I didn't mention the affair at all just that W continues to not give me any indication of her future plans and that it leaves me stuck. For right or wrong one thing that will probably come out of this is a big bump up in the rumour mill with a positive slant on me. This neighbour is part of a very large and established family with ties throughout the area. Family connections are incredibly important here. It's funny - W barely tolerated these neighbours but I always got along with them fine.

Well - this is a good day to nest with a good book. Unfortunately I am working though the co-dependency self help book but I should be done that before too long. I have some egg-nog and left-overs from Christmas dinner so it should be a low stress day. I may do my ironing today or perhaps tomorrow. I do still feel blah but with the hand-off of S22 half over my stress level is down.

[job]

Even though things were quiet in your world, you still had a pleasant time of it w/your son and also visiting w/your neighbors.

I am sure your dinner was delicious and the pie was a success as well. Your son, even though he doesn't say much, appreciated your efforts. I do hope that in the new year that he'll consider some therapy. He does sound like he's a bit depressed.

Enjoy the rest of your day and try not to over think what is going on in your wife's world. It could be that they are just sitting around in her place, eating and watching TV.

Take care.

[AndrewP]

Blah! And a Bah Humbug thrown in for good measure.

Journaling

Well - I've survived thus far. I knew that these couple of weeks would be tough and yes, they are. Not quite as bad as they might have been in large part I think because I knew in advance that they would be tough. I am currently sitting here with a glass of Lait de Poule (egg nog for those not playing the home game) and the remaining treats from a generous neighbour. I not only have cinnamon but found not one, but 3 containers of nutmeg while tidying the kitchen. The roast chicken has been turned into chicken stew / potential pot pie and is pretty darned good if I do say so myself. There is about 8 servings of it in the fridge freezer for a future date. I spent a portion of Tuesday emptying the cupboards, scrubbing them and then putting stuff back in. I found a bunch of stuff that I didn't know that I had (ever), a certain amount of mouse-poop and a bunch of stuff that was thrown out as expired. It felt good to accomplish that. W always had actively resisted me doing this sort of stuff because it was "her's".

S22 was delivered home on Tuesday evening rather earlier than expected via a drive-by delivery. W just dropped him off at the street. Even though it was early I was already in bed reading so got up to say "hello". S22 was quite cheerful and appeared to have had a good visit. Little interrogating was done and I headed to bed.

Wednesday I headed off to work for an early meeting and noticed through the day that the camera in the home office had gone off. Checking the footage when I had a minute I had two scenes of S22 entering the office. The first one was just odd. He came in in his housecoat, went to my desk and then sliding his phone from one hand reached over one corner then turned and left opening the texting app. A few moments later he came back in, went again to my desk and appeared to take something out of his pocket and place it on the desk. He then turned, texting some more and left. Later in the day he returned to (it appears) reset the router which disconnected the cameras for a short while. I resisted the urge to contact or ask S22 what was up and this morning checked my desk and there appears to have been nothing moved or added. I was once asked by a friend if I trusted S22. I replied that I trusted him completely to do whatever it would take to protect his mother. No clue what happened here, possibly nothing involving W and certainly there was no risk to me. I've said all along that I have no secrets and the D papers I did up some months ago aren't stored in the office. It's sad and I'm upset with myself that I found myself not trusting my own son.

This morning I got S22 up at before the crack of dawn and drove him home and then myself to work. I do confess that I was a bit annoyed at W for leaving both ends of the transport to me. It ended up making me 2 hours late for work but on the other hand I got some more time with S22 - and the rubber hose ;-) I tried to keep the interrogating to a minimum. "What did you get for Christmas?", "How is the health of your Mother's family?" "How is she doing?" "How is the dog?" got polite responses. "Do you have any idea what her plans are" got a short negative answer. Nagging about S22 moving home was poorly received with a comment that his mother had been doing the same nagging. I did startle him a bit by mentioning that I had been thinking about asking out a lady that I knew and startled him even more when I mentioned that his Aunt (SIL1) had invited a minor celebrity who I am a fan of up (who is single, female, very attractive, of an appropriate age and completely out of my league) from Manhatten to visit this summer and that she was going to make a point of introducing us. Eventually despite the interference of the water-boarding team and some poor driving weather S22 was delivered to his apartment, I got a big hug and then went on my day. No clue if any of this will make it back to W (I doubt it), but I have no secrets. I also want to prepare both kids for the possibility that at some point dear old Dad might be dating. They've "said" that they would be OK with it but I figure it will take some time for them to get their heads around it as it will me too.

One of the reasons I'm blah today is that deep down, even though I "knew" it wouldn't happen, I had been hoping for a "Christmas miracle". Nope - no miracles here other than finding the nutmeg. I want to thank you job for keeping the message blasting at me - keep the expectations low.

This morning I had a bit of a LOL that I shared with the SIL army. I was browsing a Pintrest site that had "inspirational quotes for people going through divorce". As I was scrolling an advertisement for a variety of wine that I like popped up. Yep! They know their audience and what inspires them

I've also been doing a bunch of reading about the legal process of setting up a separation agreement here in Ontario, Canada. There is a wide variation of prices with different mediation / collaboration / court options available, each espousing that their way is the most cost effective and enforcable way. One thing that I stumbled on that I found very interesting that was not intended for someone in my situation was a comment on the one site that encouraged people to file for separation as soon as possible. It said that the longer "you" as a spouse manage on your own without needing to access the other partner's finances, the more the court would look at you as not needing it. In my case, certainly a reason to put off getting a formal separation.

The only other things of note are that I've now closed down the joint books and replaced them with ones that just reflect my own activity as of August 1st. I also collected together a variety of files between DropBox and Google Drive, consolidated them together and sent W a brief note letting her know that "her" files were there and that after she copied them to her computer to feel free to delete them because I didn't need them. No clue if she'll ever actually do this. I rather doubt it. I'm starting to make a mental list of other things that will need to be dis-entangled to make my life simpler and how I will approach them. An overwhelming list may well wake up the monster (who has never made an appearance to date) whereas a drip of regular disconnects as I think of them would perhaps just be annoying. I would like the keys to my car and the house returned though.

Well - almost to be bottom of the glass. Time to go visit some friends here and then off to bed. It's a short day tomorrow and I'm thinking of taking myself out to dinner and perhaps a movie. I still have to get through New Year's - especially without contacting W. <Snap!> goes the elastic on my wrist.

[Altair]

Is it possible S22 was just checking bars or trying to get on your internet?
I think dealing with finances and other things she let drop is a good thing. As well as getting back car and house keys. That's interesting about the separation agreement-- I never thought of it that way, that getting one pronto would result in maybe more $$. Well, none of that applies to me, but is interesting all the same.
One more AP! New years!

[AndrewP]

AHA?

I re-watched the surveillance video and from what I can tell it makes no sense. Keep in mind that this is egg-nog inspired (lots of protein and calories in that). On my desk beside my wedding photo, statue of Don Quixote and my rose is a small Christmas ornament that is new this year. It was actually one of those "free" gifts that I got at the open-house at the flower shop where I get my roses. W would never have seen this before.

As far as I can tell, that is the item that S22 removed from the office and then returned. Conspiracy theories say that W wanted to know what it was and if there was anything written on it (there isn't - it was a generic "door prize" - I could have chosen it or a scented candle).

Ah well - mystery "solved". More MLC weirdness I suppose that involved her getting a guy on "the inside".

Either that or I've gone mad myself - testicles, spectacles, marbles ...

[job]

You've not gone mad. Maybe your son saw the ornament and made a comment to his mother about it. There is the possibility that he was taking a photo of it to send to her and she then questioned him about it and he had to take it out of the room and thoroughly check it over to see if there was a name, etc. identifying where it came from.

Don't put anything past the MLCer. They use others to get their info, especially if they are very curious about something and do not want to appear that they are.

Just my two cents.