Cabin in the woods

[Coly23]

Mmmm, chicken milk... Reminds me of the scene out of Meet the Fockers where Ben Stiller describes 'milking' his cat!

Sounds like your W is peeking out of the tunnel a little AP. It might be the time if the year but they've all got to start somewhere! I think I need to get another rubber band for me to use too!!

I'm happy with either cinnamon or nutmeg!

[Altair]

A.P.
I will let you know when I have dates! It'll be awhile until I can plan that properly.

[AndrewP]

I wish we could post pictures here. In Canada most things are labeled in English and French. Eggnog in French is Lait de Poule which loosely translates back as chicken milk.

Still haven't found the nutmeg but there's lots of cinnimon and eggnog (and rum) left still. Just about to pour a second glass.

I'm not sure about the tunnel peeking W - I want to believe it but I have been disappointed too many times before and I completely trust job's opinion that she's still in replay and to wait until the New Year to see what's real or not. I still do wish that we could all get together and have a "hen party" complete with chicken milk - Westo sounds like she would be a great addition to our club too. I get the feeling that unless I am screwing up rather badly that job doesn't post but I still carry her on my shoulder with her tiny 2X4 to whack me when I stray

The Christmas cards are written and mostly sent. The one for D24 and her H is waiting for me to finish wrapping their presents and parcel for mailing (one stamp that way). I have one for W that may never be delivered that I wrote about some time ago.

The junk drawer is as giving as the freezer has been. So many Christmas cards that have been purchased but never used. There was a big stack from different charities that we contribute too as well so I only bought a couple of cards this year. Going through the list was a bit of a challenge. Most of the people on the list know what's going on so I could write a nice personal note thanking them for their love and support. One other group has no clue what's going on and doesn't need to know so got a "from the AndrewP family" greeting. I took a bit of a chance and sent cards to the in-laws plus people who are W's friends with messages of joy, love and wishes for happiness and in the case of W's sister health (she just had a heart attack). I feel good about doing that. From one of the charities were a number of seals including ones with a lighthouse on them. I used them for all of the more "challenging" cards. I know what that means to me even if the meaning will be lost on the recipient. If W does choose to come back it will mean that I will need to be accepted again by her friends including the fire-starters as well as her family. A card with a warm greeting is a small price to pay to perhaps put some doubt in the minds of those people that perhaps AndrewP isn't such a bad guy after-all.

Time to get my second load of laundry out, make the bed and then get my bean and beef stew (no recipe - "Adventures in Housekeeping" land here) plus biscuits ready for my dinner. Tonight's movie is Hogfather based on the novel by my favourite author Terry Pratchett. A variation of the standard Christmas Carol movie.

Sending warm thoughts out to all my friends.

[Altair]

Chicken milk. How funny. Makes sense I've never seen it-- I've never been to Canada during Egg Nog time, I mean it's only here in the States for a bit, and quickly on sale come January. Right?

[AndrewP]

Buggerit (Calm down - nothing exciting - just feeling blue).

Just finished wrapping the gifts. We re-use bags etc from year to year. So many of the tags left on the wrapping had To A Love W in her clear, fine handwriting. A few also had extra expressions of love and affection. Each one of those was a twist of the knife. Depending on what the new year brings I may just toss all of the pre-existing wrapping and start fresh. We were so very in love - I wish that I could understand what happened. A big part of me just wants to run to her apartment, get down on my knees and beg her yet again to come home. No - I'm not going to. Another part of me wishes that she would just send me a four word text - "I want a divorce".

But - the parcel to D24 and her H is on the way - guaranteed 4 days delivery. The gifts to S22 are wrapped and under the tree and I'm nearly positive that he's going to be home to unwrap them. There's also one to me from Santa - I wonder what it is .... I'll probably get a well deserved whack for this but I also left a card for W in our mailbox. I'm pretty sure she is still checking it regularly. It's the card I mentioned earlier with the AA Milne quote on it. I did not sign it with Love but did wish her a Merry Christmas.

Similarly the cards to the usual assortment of friends and relatives are all in the mail. I expect a few awkward moments when the friends and relatives who were encouraging W get a nice card from me - three firestarters in particular. I also expect some kind thoughts of me at least from MIL/FIL who have always quite liked me. I'm not sure if they are aware of OM or not - no way of telling. My thought is that if W does come back, these friends and family will be part of the package as well. W hasn't contacted me for the Christmas list - sending the cards was always something I took care of. I expect that she's not going to send any - I've been told that I'm a bit of a dinosaur for still doing that - but dinosaurs ruled the earth for millions of years and now provide me my morning omelet.

All continues quiet on the W front. She still hasn't come into the house to get her winter coats or any of the boxes that she seemed interested in when we chatted more than a week ago now. When I was out for my walk (4.75km / 1 hour in light snow) I had a vision of waking up, turning and seeing her laying there next to me again and that she had come home in the night. She still is continuing to engage with our children, neighbours and a couple of my relatives but not with her old "crowd", nor any "new crowd".

Part of what makes it tough for me here is that there are so many reminders of the life that W and I had all around me. I wish (a lot of wishing today) that I could wave this in front of W and say "Look at what we had and can have again!" - but that would be too much pressure on her. A lot of the stuff is packed up and put away but you can't erase 27 years of love and togetherness in a home without running away into a squirrel tunnel. I'm positive that she's got lots of reminders all around her in the things she took with her and in her thoughts not to mention any time she goes online.

I had an interesting chat with the lady in the bake shop yesterday. I've decided to be open about my struggles with depression and the help that I have gotten inspired by this year's Movember campaign that included that issue. Her own H struggles with depression, I recommended my IC to her and gave her the story that I knew I was broken and didn't have the skills to fix myself so I got help and that there was no shame in that. Most men in this area "tough it out". I actually suspect her H is an ideal candidate for MLC and I've seen him out of their house talking intensely on his cell phone on a few occasions. We were talking about my own depression, weight loss and I mentioned the timeline. I think I've perhaps said a bit too much and she now has more than enough to match up with the rumours and perhaps knows more about the A than I do now. She had been reaching out to W a bit and W had been quite receptive - I hope that continues but I may have jinxed it.

I also chatted today with the female half of the couple that owns the stores that W works in and lives over. I'm not sure it was a good idea or not but I did mention after she expressed sympathy about my situation that I wished that I knew what was going on. She seemed surprised that things were at least on my end up in the air - but again outside of this place what is going on is anything but normal.

Too much over-analyzing I know but it's a distraction from the buggerit mentioned above. I think that my wash is done now so it's time to get to my ironing. Beef and bean soup (again) for dinner tonight. I'm having dinner with a good friend on Tuesday and it looks like a quiet week otherwise. Time I think as well to put up the length of twine I use to hand received Christmas cards on.

[AndrewP]

SNAP - goes the elastic.

Writing this here so that I don't send it. Yes - she undoubtedly knows this already although I worry that her guilt and fear are keeping her in her tunnel. If any of the vets are around and feel like enabling me though .....

Text message to W that I probably shouldn't send. I feel the need to reach out to her to try to get the lines of communication opening. job - please swing by with your 2X4 and give me a whack. I think I need one. The elastic doesn't always do the trick.

W - Just a reminder that if you can feel free to call or text me any time of the day or night if you want to talk or are just feeling lonely

There - it's out.

As I posted on Coly23's thread I had a nice exchange with SIL2 yesterday where she expressed the opinion that she is positive that W will want to come home but that she "will probably feel like you should not want her anymore" which sort of jives with what I saw during coffee. SIL2 also believes that OM (she has a much stronger word for him) is no longer in the picture. She also let me know that lots of women of a variety of ages find grey haired men attractive

Having dinner with a good friend tonight. Still no word from S22 (he promised to tell me by the end of Monday) what his Christmas plans are. He told me they were dependent on W's plans. Neither of them are great at planning so no nagging is appropriate from me at S22. He already knows that I am flexible and that he can come home any time and stay as long as he wants. With W living the next village over they can easily arrange to get together when convenient.

More and more Christmas cards are arriving, all addressed to Mr. and Mrs. P - it hurts each time one arrives. The simple card I left for W in our mailbox on Sunday was picked up yesterday - possibly by the lady who does the mail seeing it and forwarding it on to W (small village conveniences - but a violation of the law) or by W herself - no way to know. Maybe there will be a Christmas Miracle but I think I'll just look for a white Christmas and try not to hope for anything more.

[SBJ]

AP...I understand what you are going thru as I also want to reach out to let my W know that I want her to come home. However, will it make a difference at this point? Is she fully baked? My BD was the same time as your W leaving, so I cannot say with certainty exactly how you feel right now. Mine has only been gone for 6 weeks.

At this point I want her to know that I love her...I'm sure she does. I want her to know that I want to reconcile our M...I'm sure she does. I want her to know that I want her back...I'm sure she does.

The problem is like you said...at what point are they to embarrassed or ashamed to come back and go thru the work that needs to be done? I don't have that answer.

[AndrewP]

SBJ - Thanks for the visit and input. My W is definitely not fully baked even though she's been gone for about 5 months now. Having her come home and finish baking here sounds great on the surface but I have had warnings from others who have been there before especially CaliGuy about that - still unsure on if it is a good idea or not for us. It didn't work out for him. There is (as far as I can tell) no craziness for quite some time and OM has (likely) been out of the picture for at least some weeks. I've been wrong about so very many things so very often though I tend to doubt the smell of my own farts some days. God grant me patience and grant it right now .

I agree with your "I'm sure she does" but that's in an organ that is about a foot higher up from my heart. There's a bunch of quotes that I pulled out of the readings that a lot of my thinking goes around.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2700178#Post2700178
The journey that AmyC took is to me one of the better sources for insight into the female MLC mind which from everything I can tell is rather different although similar to the male MLC

I'm reposting three of what are to me the key ones that form my thinking and my compassion.

Why do you think she is so distant? She CAN'T deal with your emotions AND her own, Jazz. Her own OVERWHELM her. That's why she's out there, man. That's why she's lost.

If you don't humble yourself at this time, if you let pride make you bitter and vengeful, she will never feel able to ask your forgiveness. And THAT ALONE IS PARAMOUNT to her coming out of MLC a better and stronger person.

it takes balls the size of Texas to look at our LBSs and admit we were wrong - all wrong- and to ask your forgiveness when it is all we can do to stand upright in the face of the realization of what we have done.

If you haven't read through that thread, I strongly encourage you to do so - there are big nuggets of gold in there. This is the "original" posting.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741&page=all

[SBJ]

I have read thru it and it was eye opening...again I am also battling with the head vs heart thing and what AmyC said about the emotion thing says it all. I just hope that one day things will all work out for us all.

[Sotto]

Hi Andrew, I don't think the 'I want you to come home' should come from you at all. Or at least not until/unless OM has been out of the picture for a good while, she has shown true remorse and a genuine willingness to do 'whatever it takes' to rebuild, you guys have taken tentative steps to date, time has passed etc...

Please believe me that anything less than that and your 'reconciliation' is unlikely to succeed. So, I don't think you even have to worry about any of that, because if she wants back in, she will let you know in uncertain terms for sure.

I wouldn't put too much store in OM being out of the picture. In my sitch, XH and OW broke up and got back together a number of times. As far as I know, they have been together now for a good while, but in truth I know very little and have had no news of him for a couple of months now.

All of this of course is focus on your W. It's needless focus, but I understand it is hard to let go of the R for now. We all share that experience. It does take time, but filling your life with other things does help to fill that void left by her departure.

Bear in mind that the true measure of success lies in whether your life feels full and complete without her in it. When we have reached that point, it likely won't matter too much whether she does choose to turn back. And if she does, you are likely to be in a strong place in terms of knowing what does and doesn't work for you and having appropriate boundaries in place.

So, do try to thought stop when you are focusing on her. Five months is a short time in this journey, so just keep moving forwards yourself and let her be.

Hope your week is going well