Moved out, working on GAL

[AndrewP]

I think you handled that quite well fightin - you took a chance and it didn't back-fire and won some breathing space.

Cadet writes this a lot - you have the gift of time. Time to work on YOURSELF. Time to figure out what YOU want. Time indeed for your W to possibly find that the grass on the other side of the fence only looks greener because it's made of weeds floating on the sewage lagoon.

[fightin]

Sorry you had a rough day, bsb. We all do I think, especially early on. Fear for sure, it is hard to let go, I mean I will if I have to, but I'm clearly not 100% ready to.

Yes, I will have some time before I reply, she just wants to send it to me first so I can make changes before she serves me, but really I can have my lawyer counter anything even after I'm served, I do believe. I will have to consult with a L and figure it all out. For now, at least until her mind changes again, I have a little bit more time.

Cheesyt, I think she's so off the wall right now, and you're right, I wouldn't believe her. I don't even believe her when she says she hopes I'm doing well. I've been doing so well with this though I hate that I just blahed my feelings today. Sigh. She said she when I'm short as she puts it (like insisting she take my things to her ex-H's house) that I'm "dang near hateful". I informed her that I'm hurt and I don't mean to be rude but I require boundaries for my own sake. She replied that she understands that, but while she didn't truly expect us to be "friends" she hoped WE would check in with each other from time to time. Why would I want to check in with her just for her to tell me how great her life is? Why would she want to check in with me? Is she hoping I'll be miserable and tell her that? Madness I tell you, pure madness.

Speaking of madness I'll post a separate post regarding my SS and the madness surrounding him. Things are in motion that might greatly delay her filing.

Andrew, thank you for all the advice and encouragement. Yes, I did get a bit more time today, at least until she changes her mind again, but I know in bones (just haven't convinced my heart) that I have all the time in the world regardless of when she files for D. I honestly am not sure why I'm resisting D other than fear. I'm not even sure if I still want her as my W, but since I'm not sure I hate to jump the gun so to speak.

[bsb]

Glad you are able to get some space and buy some time! That has to help some?
Mine gets worse everyday. No signs of regrets or change of heart

Stay strong and maybe it will work out!

[fightin]

I don't think it is going to work out; I keep finding out more and none of it says "this will work out". Last night I found out that when we told my SS about our split and she took him outside to talk to him away from me she told him this is something she regrets not doing long ago. Well I thought she meant leaving me, but apparently she meant being with the OW so I guess it has been going on much longer than I was told.

Also, when we text the other she still said she is going to file, just after Christmas when money isn't as tight. Well, she's about to get hit with a custody case that she probably won't win. She's violated their divorce decree by having the OW around her S and now she's even being openly affectionate with OW right in front of him. While that will make things even tighter and could buy me even more time, it also could leave me holding the bag for all the debt we have that she agreed to take in the D. So if I don't go ahead and file and get her to agree on paper to take the debt and we don't get D for a while then she could default on it and I'd be held responsible. So now I'm considering speeding up the process to protect myself financially.

Besides that, the more I learn about how she's treated other people the less I like her, and the more I think back on our time together the more I think this might be a blessing in disguise. I still wake up wondering how this became my life, and I still miss the woman I loved, but day by day I take a look at what I'll be missing out on and what I'm gaining by D and the positives outweigh the negatives. Maybe I was more in love with the ideal I set for us than I was in love with the person she is.

Glad you are able to get some space and buy some time! That has to help some?
Mine gets worse everyday. No signs of regrets or change of heart

Stay strong and maybe it will work out!

I'm sorry that yours just gets worse. I think it gets worse before it gets better not that that helps us feel better in the moment of despair. Same to you, bsb, stay strong and remember that no matter how our stories end, it WILL all work out. Maybe not like we had hoped for, but we will better for it in the end no matter what!

Also, keep in mind that our spouses could (and do often) change their minds at any time. While my W has rewritten our history together, and said all sorts of things about how we never should have been together and how if we get a D there is never any going back, we also had talks where she then said even if we do get a D that doesn't mean that months or years from now our paths might cross and we might fall in love all over again.

I don't believe that she knows what she really wants. I think she's just operating in the now and her fun and happy feelings she's experiencing with OW and that's all she can see right now especially since she seems either oblivious to how my her S is hurting. If this R with OW were to ever end she might suddenly be hit with new feelings of regret, but she also might not, I can't mind read and I can't know the future.

Again, even if she said tomorrow she wanted me back I'm not sure I want to go back. She has cheated (at least EAs) in every MR, and I'm her 3rd MR. I think she has a lot of growing up to do before she can be a good partner. Maybe this OW will be the one for her and she will grow up, but if not and she came back why would I want someone that can't function in a MR? This was my 2nd MR, but I had a LTR before her that was basically a MR. That R and this one ended because of an OW entered the picture.

The difference between us is that I finally learned that love is more often a choice and set of actions than it is about good feelings and I was 100% to this MR. I hope someday she learns that too even if we're never together again. I want her to not only be happy, but I know that if she doesn't learn this she will continue to leave a trail of deeply hurt people. She's always the one to leave, she's never been left. Until she figures this out I believe she will never have peace in a R and will always feel restless, but soon that will no longer be anything for me to worry about.

[Vanilla]

Fightin

Terrific insights and introspection.

I found it was a roller coaster for me, until eventually a spell break.

You have L advice?

My notes don't say whether you do or not. If not recommend you do, interview a few L.

V

[fightin]

Thanks V.

I'm looking into L's as of last night and going to set up some meetings. My D will take place in a county 2 hours away so not sure if I need to find a L there or not.

I really wanted to make her be the one to file, but again, I have to make sure I protect myself.

[hawker]

Fightin,

I am glad you are looking out for yourself. My W felt so guilty she just took her clothes and personal belongings so we didn't have to divide anything but glad you are preparing.

Yes, I have read many articles, message boards, etc about why people have affairs....they are not happy with themselves and they "love" how this new person makes them feel. Its all about getting and not giving. It seems like your W wants to feel that all the time and once the limerance stage is over she needs to go find he next fix....

I agree that love is a choice and its about giving in a healthy way and helping each other grow and be the best person one can be.

Maybe she will "wake up" when the custody case happens, or maybe not....who know really. Glad you realize you just need to take care of you.

You are doing great!

[fightin]

Hey Hawker,
Thanks for stopping by!

Yes, I have read many articles, message boards, etc about why people have affairs....they are not happy with themselves and they "love" how this new person makes them feel. Its all about getting and not giving. It seems like your W wants to feel that all the time and once the limerance stage is over she needs to go find he next fix....

This seems to describe her pattern to a T.

I agree that love is a choice and its about giving in a healthy way and helping each other grow and be the best person one can be.

I always thought we excelled at this, even my parents, friends, and some of her family said the same, they thought we were great for each other and helped one another grow. I guess if someone is fundamentally unstable in Rs though then even that being a difference in a new R wouldn't be enough to make them see their own issues.

Maybe she will "wake up" when the custody case happens, or maybe not....who know really. Glad you realize you just need to take care of you.

We verbally agreed on what she'd take which is most of the debt (also due to her guilt), but I'm worried the custody case could change that, so yeah, I'm definitely looking out for number 1 here because I can't count on her to stick to her word. Her word kind of is meaningless right now. Part of me wishes the custody case would be a wake up call, but honestly, I don't like this person she is right now and I definitely don't want that person in my life. I seriously doubt it will be a wake up call though. More likely she will blow up at everyone involved and then end up washing her hands of everyone, even her S for a while. I sure hope for his sake she doesn't react that way, but I think it is likely. She is a hot-head and tends to think she's never at fault for anything.

Also, she's most likely going to ask if I knew about it. I won't lie to her, but when she gets mad I didn't tell her about it I will remind her that she asked me for a D so it is no longer my place to be in the middle. Yes, I'm taking care of myself and it actually feels really good!

Thanks!

[hawker]

You are right, her words are meaningless right now and correct that it isn't your place to tell her anymore!! :-). Do you have any idea when she will find out about it? Has he started the process?

You are doing great!!! Hope you have great weekend!

[fightin]

I believe his L will file next week so she should get served before Christmas.

Thanks and you too!