Cheesyt, good for you for not texting back. I can imagine the way you're feeling about the cable situation. They treat us horribly, but because we love them and still have compassion for them our first instinct is to feel bad for them until we remember just how poorly they treated us. For me, that anger in remembering how cold my W was at and after BD is sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day and keeps me on my BD game.
Feel the pain, as other said it is part of the process and you're allowed to feel it I just don't want you to get lost in it. I think as much as you're hurting that you're doing so well with this all. Keep it up and try to remember that you're becoming a better cheesyt no matter what the outcome with your W.
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
V- thank you for your continuous support. I truly appreciate it.
Fightin’ crazy how we still manage to feel bad for them.
I fear I am getting lost in it…I feel depressed again. (Mind you I’m on anti-depressants) I don’t know, I feel weird. Off. I’m always tired. I sleep a decent amount yet I’m always tired. I also feel so lonely. Not entirely sure in what sense. I dreamt about W last night / this morning. I woke up around 3am in tears. No rhyme or reason. Then I had another dream until my alarm rang. I have so many emotions that I’m not entirely sure how to sort. I have a IC appointment next Friday. I thought I’d be ok scheduling them out further apart, boy was I wrong. I wish It was today. But now I know to schedule them closer together.
On gal, I’ve been busy this week. Not just with work (busy season) but we had our company holiday party, I mingled. Totally out of my comfort zone. Made a new friend over in a different department. She’s nice, going to get lunch with her next week. There are about 80/90 employees and we generally only know the departments we work with, for example I work in finance, so I know the people in finance, IT and Warranty. Because those are the only people I have to interact with. At any rate, It was nice to mingle and talk to people. It was a plus one even, a few know I am married, so I did have a couple “where is your w” questions. Those were difficult. Thursday was a happy hour / surprise get together for a friend. And tonight is the actual party with more people than the happy hour dinner. Saturday, I plan to sit at home and study / do nothing. And on Sunday morning we (roommate, roommate’s bf, and the girls) are going to get a Christmas tree from the woods. And just spend the day at home decorating, cooking and such.
It’s been extremely cold around here. Like single digits / barely not even over freezing. I love the cold. It makes me happy to see snow. The other morning I was ready to dig out my car and to my lovely surprise Roommate and RBF had already cleared off my car and a path to it. I felt very lucky and appreciative. It’s nice to be able to appreciate the little things. It feels good.
Cheesyt, I tend to see different from your posts. You, like the rest of us, have your struggles at times with your feelings towards your WW. But your post above has tons of indications you ARE moving forward. The office party, the plans with the new friend, the awesome relationship you have built with the roomate, her bf, and her kids, the warm feeling from your car being cleaned off and knowing others really care for you. You are building a life that can withstand the potential absence of your W and you seem to be thriving at it.
Will you have these moments alone where it's rough? Of course. We all do and you most definitely aren't alone in them. But you ARE moving forward. I just don't think you realize it. Keep being strong cheesy and know that you are doing great things!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Careful if you have attraction to a new female friend, it's tempting to cut the healing part no skip into new R.
Very tempting and creates real difficulties further on. You know not to be attracted as an OM?
From reading your posts I think you are ok, this is part of the Kubler Ross cycle of grief. The stage following denial, and I sense anxiety as much as depression.
The sleep problem is universal and sadly it can get worse before it gets better. I track my sleep using my fitbit and at one stage averaged 1 HR 50 mins per night. My tribe still order me to sleep. And I often post in the middle of the night. Generally I am Ok if fall asleep. Recently I fall asleep and have early waking.
Great news you recognise the help IC can give. Essential at this part of the process. Keep posting Cheesyt you describe your sitch beautifully and write so well.
Everything is on track for healing, and the first Xmas is the toughest.
BiG hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Got text from w "please please figure out that money with cable company i cannot stress about this. my mom is very sick and i am already stressed figuring out her stuff. PleaseCheesyt” Well….Idk what to say. I’ve already told her the $ will be credited once they receive the equipment. I can’t make them credit her $ any faster.. I’ve always been there for W with regards to MIL, family issues, school. Looking back I know I was a great support system for W. It sort of makes me glad she’s not relying on SOW to not feel so stressed. (or W could be lying in this text idk though I cannot mind read) I always did know how to help calm W. Part of me wants to ask what’s up with MIL, the other part is angry she’s “stressed”…cus then I start thinking selfishly…like what about when I was stressing out trying to find a place to live after W told me I couldn’t come home. What about when I paid bills for 2 months after she asked me not to come home and I had no money to find a place…that was stressful! What about me and everything she put me through. I know W is selfish. And in her waywardness only thinks about her. Not exactly sure what to respond. I can only assume W wants her “best friend” to reply…but that’s not me…I also don’t want to push her away…
Well I replied with “I’m sorry to hear about your mother let me know if there’s anything I can do. I will give cable company a call” W never replied. Maybe she’s no longer attached to her phone as she was 3 weeks ago. Then I checked my email. I have a dinner invitation from W. A little backstory W used to babysit a little boy, and the boy’s father was CEO at a company W worked at. So every other month or so after she left both jobs to go full time nursing school CEO, CEO’s W and CEO’s Kid would invite W & D to dinner. I was never invited as I was just the “roommate” of W. (W and I would meet up as I too was babysitting a little girl the same age, just to spend time together) Never so much bothered me I was never invited. Well this dinner invite is to the CEO’s house, and I’m invited…makes me want to mind read. Did W ask if I could come so W could see me? Again, the only reason I think this is because in the past 3+ years W has known them I’ve never been invited. Another theory, is W didn’t mean to invite me. Idk. W has not said anything and I have not accepted the invitation on my calendar. If I am in fact invited, I’m going to go, This would be a great 180 time.
I can't imagine that it was an accident that she invited you. I have no advice, but if it were me I'd want to ask why she sent the invite and I'm not sure that is a good idea either. Nope, cheesty, I got nothing for ya other than pure curiosity. Let us know what happens with that!
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
I'm struggling today... I had such a busy day. I had so much work, I was there from 7-6 no breaks just powering through all my work (co worker was out so I had to do some of his work as well) I had my music on I had a pretty good day. I accomplished everything I wanted to get done. Can't complain there...and then. Around 5pm my roommate texted me and her bf in a group message something about she didn't know when either of us would be home but that she and the girls were making dinner. About an hour later another text came though that the dinner plans fell through (grilled cheese, turns out the cheese was bad) but that she had made soup and it was ready for whenever we arrived. I don't know why this sort of broke my heart...I had a long good day and all I could think of was my wife. How I wished she'd be waiting for me with dinner. I feel so loved and sometimes i feel as though I'm not appreciating the love and care they have for me. Like all I can focus on is the lack of love my w has or shows for me. How I just miss her. I wanted to call her and tell her how awesome work has been. How I registered for my new classes for next semester. How I'm so excited for our nieces birthday this weekend. And I can't. I feel stuck. I feel so stuck. I don't know what to do. I don't like feeling this way. I'm so tired of this. I feel ok and then something as a stupid "dinner is ready" text throws me completely off. Lt I know you said from your point of view it seems as though I am moving forward, and yes I guess I can see that. However, I can't help but to feel stuck and incomplete.
How do I get past the I'm happy I'm enjoying my life but not get so ridiculously down on myself when I miss my w (which is everyday) I'd love to hear anything. I feel like a little kid, who jus cries and cries and all I want is for my W to show up hug me and tell me it'll be ok. I know I've been through a lot. I know I'm strong because well I'm still here standing tall, on my own...so I think maybe all this blah and downess is inevitable. I've been so strong for so long. I feel like I'm falling apart and idk that I can pick up my own pieces again.
It's probably a good thing the grilled cheese sandwiches fell through. I would think that cheesyt eating a grilled cheese sandwich would be similar to cannibalism. No?
