Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 104
R
raev Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 104
To be honest, I'm not sure if I should be here or not but I figured that if I don't absolutely know I shouldn't be here, then I probably should be.

I was here years back dealing with the marriage from hell that thankfully finally ended. It was too much. I finally had to stop living in denial about the constant, intensive abuse in that relationship.

My problems have to do with my current relationship.

We've been together almost two years but don't live together. In fact, we've been doing tons of crazy driving managing a relationship that's 100 miles apart - not easy when we both have little ones. But he was finally due to move in this fall and we're so great together, we both figured it was worth the inconvenience and hassle to have to do the distance thing for a while.

A few months ago, July-ish, we were walking on air. Things were so, so good that marriage was imminent and we constantly had these sweet, mutually excited discussions about whether we'd elope or not. I teased him that we had all these talks - him even determining what he'd want to wear! - but he still hadn't proposed. He indicated he was hoping to correct that really soon. I figured he was trying to decide on a ring or something and knew he was trying to save up some money.

Well, then in August we find out we're pregnant. Not exactly the timing either of us would have preferred but, hey, we adore each other and knew we wanted a baby together so... we'll figure it all out.

Well, then he got into a car accident a month later. No savings, now all this financial setback, problems with transportation, delays to him moving him..... Ugh. But... I was determined to be patient, as much as it is no fun being pregnant on my own.

Like a lot of couples, we got in a tiff after the election. We voted for the same people and still managed to get in a tiff. But some old (married, supposedly) friend of his took it as an opportunity to try to tell him that he shouldn't stay with me. I doubt she'd give the same advice if she knew me or about the baby or anything. Best I can tell, he didn't really respond to these messages but I'm sure he read them. She's rather far away and I don't view *her* particularly as a threat (even though she's pretty and they probably have some important things in common that he and I don't), just the message and seeds she tried to plant. He did say after we'd made up that he didn't care who he had to weed out of his life to keep me - anyone who wasn't supportive of "us" and our family would have to go.

That's a rather supportive thing to say. But I sure don't *feel* supported. Even still, he insists things will be fine and he's just trying to get everything together to move in, probably by the end of the month. This doesn't seem likely to me: he's yet to find a job over here. I don't think he's even been looking.

But things are distant. Weird. I know this vibe. It's the vibe you get when a guy starts using porn or talking to girls on the internet because they become weird and sex becomes really bizarre out of nowhere. Frankly, our sex life was fantastic before - we both thought so, it was one of our strongest points. But now? Now it's weird. He's trying things I don't like without talking about it first - which he said he was doing because of things I'd said in the past that lead him to think I wanted him to do something different. But he definitely missed the mark even on trying to experiment on those things and I ended up feeling used and hollow. And he's just not *there*. One of the last couple times we had sex, I ended up crying during it and just shutting down. There was just something about him that made it so obvious that he was no longer making love to me, I was just something to f--k.

He doesn't check in with me as much or talk to me as much when he's not here, sexy messages ceased a while back, sweet messages are very rare, he's been calling less, and I'm just frustrated. When he stays over, things are fine - except for the recent weirdness with sex - but something's wrong.

I'm feeling super uncertain about things now. We were planning a big move together this coming summer back to my home state on the other side of the country. Now I don't know what will happen.

I'm also, frankly, mad and bitter. He's known for some time now that I need him to move him - my finances are way, way too tight and every little added thing causes financial chaos. But he doesn't help and doesn't even cover his share of the relationship costs - transportation, etc. And I don't see any effort from him to find a job over here so I'm not feeling very confident despite his reassurances. What he says and what he does don't quite match up.

Most of the 180s I'd turn to in a situation like this aren't options either because I'm dead, dead broke or because of the pregnancy. I had not hit my goal weight by a long shot before this pregnancy came along and I'm feeling really bad about myself which isn't normal for me. I can't afford the clothes I need or a haircut. I can't afford groceries to cook nice meals when he's over. I don't have anyone to watch my kids, no real friends here, not much to do, and fully recognize that aside from my studies, I've gotten a bit... boring.

I feel stuck and hopeless. The state of things is really getting to me. The vibe between us is so different that I just don't know what to do. I'm not feeling so hopeful about our future at all. It hurts. We were so great for each other and still would be if I could just wrap my head around the current state of things and figure out how to respond to it.

He took some time to go out to the woods this week and see if he could do some hunting and while I definitely don't like him being out of contact right now, I figured it was best to let him have his time to think and refresh. We're supposed to go in for a big, long ultrasound tomorrow and I'm hoping a good view of our little girl will put him in a better, more proactive, more supportive frame of mind. Hopeful, but not counting on it.

I'm doing my best to remain as sweet and patient as I can, neutral when I can't muster that. But I feel unsupported and invisible. I'm feeling really insecure about our future and that is not a good place to be in with a baby due in April. Is it all in my head? Any suggestions? I feel so lost.


Me: 36
Ex-H: 36
Met/friends 9/2000
Fling 5/2002-8/2002
R: 2/2005
M: 8/2/2008
Ex-H online A: 11/2009 (discovered)
Ex-H filed 8/1/2014
D final 10/2015

DS: 19 (mine)
DD: 7 (with Ex-H)
DD: 2 (mine)
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 104
R
raev Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 104
I would add also that he has problems with depression and anxiety that aren't currently being treated. He's promised to see a doctor as soon as he can - January, when his new insurance kicks in.


Me: 36
Ex-H: 36
Met/friends 9/2000
Fling 5/2002-8/2002
R: 2/2005
M: 8/2/2008
Ex-H online A: 11/2009 (discovered)
Ex-H filed 8/1/2014
D final 10/2015

DS: 19 (mine)
DD: 7 (with Ex-H)
DD: 2 (mine)
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 250
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 250
I don't have much advice at this time other than to trust your instincts. Confronting him and pressure will just push him away further, but if you're not already doing this maybe only contacting him about the baby and putting some distance between the two of you from your side would be enough for him to feel the emptiness without you. I don't know for sure, but definitely don't push or pressure.

I have depression and anxiety as well, now treated, but wasn't before I got my BD. Sometimes we retreat into a dark place and it takes a lot to get back out of that hole. He may be feeling overwhelmed by all these changes ahead (the move, the baby, etc.) even though previously he was excited about them all. Often times just a moment of feeling overwhelmed is all it takes to send someone in a downward spiral. If he's not getting it treated through meds or a therapist then it could be a while before he finds his way out of it and unfortunately there isn't anything you can do about it other than be supportive if he opens up to you about it.

My heart goes out to you. You have a major life changing event going on with your new baby and going through it alone is enough, but to go through it alone when you expected to have a partner would be extremely hard. Try to stay strong, your babies need you!


Me: 35 W: 32
MR: 2y T: 3.5y
SS11
BD: 11/3/16
EA: 10/26/16
PA: 11/11/16
W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16
Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL
I filed for D: 12/14/16
D-day: 3/10/17
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 104
R
raev Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 104
Thank you, fightin for stopping by to offer your support. I continue to hope and trust that my guy will see someone for his depression and anxiety soon.

Well, my guy is out hunting again this week. Little communication. I have to be honest, I've questioned more than once if that's really what he's up to but he came over last Wednesday evening with all his hunting gear because he'd left from the camp he'd had set up. He paid hundreds of dollars for this hunting license and then didn't get to go on a big trip so he's been out overnights and before work since he works evenings/nights. Season ends this week. Even still, so hard to separate reasonable instincts from just emotional nonsense when you're pregnant. Ugh. I don't know what to believe.

Ultrasound on Thursday was great. Baby looks really healthy, doctors said. It was a super, super in-depth, long ultrasound so that is reassuring. Dad-to-be seemed happy and loving but it was still dim somehow. Hard to describe. We had a pretty good weekend but it's all kind of a blur, honestly. Yay, mommy brain.

But then the barely any contact so far since he left Friday afternoon has been hard. Dunno. Trying to be patient. Think he'll be over tomorrow night, leave again Friday afternoon.

I did do something a little iffy today. I know that his demons have gotten to him a few times about this pregnancy, that maybe I did it on purpose - a common and not unreasonable assumption a lot of guys at least consider when an unplanned pregnancy happens. I don't think I should take much of the blame - he wanted a baby as much as I did, just not yet, and didn't use a condom like he was supposed to. Well, anyway, I found messages from the weekend our baby was conceived talking about how I'd taken the emergency contraceptive as we'd agreed and was feeling awful. So, I sent screenshots of the messages to him with the time and date stamps along with a reassuring message that I have never and would never try to keep him through deceit or tricks and that it just seems like the universe wanted this to happen now because otherwise we would have to worry about Zika after our move this summer. I told him that I completely understand why his demons whisper the things they do and that they are trying to protect him and I respect that. But that I am on his side, too, and mean to protect and honor him as well and that I look forward to watching him bond with our little girl. He's very, very wrapped up in fatherhood and is such a great dad to his son and he's amazing with my DD (4) and even my son (16) and I'm grateful for that. Anyway, we'll see how that message goes over.

I'm trying to get myself in the head space to just focus on my house. I have a lot of cleaning up and decluttering to do while I'm in between semesters so I need to get moving. He's already moved in a bunch of his stuff a few months ago but will be moving more in if he moves in in the next couple months and I need to make some room for his stuff especially in closets and the kitchen. My apartment is very small and there will be five, sometimes six, of us here, plus the two kitties. I am not a minimalist by any means but I don't mind parting with things to make room for him and to get the apartment more ready for baby.

But... no matter how hard I try to just *focus* on the things I need to do, I fail. I just want to cry. I'm so anxious about our R that I can't really function. Maybe things will look better after this weekend. The hunting season ends Thursday and maybe he'll be more focused on us after that. We'll see. He kept hoping to feel the baby kick last week when he was here and was happy to get to watch her wiggle all through the hour and a half of ultrasound. Maybe this week baby will give daddy a good kick to get his butt in gear! smile

I did try to distract myself this week by gathering items to put in a gift basket for my parents. I haven't told them about the baby yet - even though I'm almost 22 weeks - in part because I had some worries about baby's health and wanted to at least know how things looked before telling them and in part because my mom will be upset because we're not married and my sister will be very upset because she can't have children and this is my third. My dad will be concerned about finances and logistics but will otherwise be supportive and agree that the timing wouldn't actually get any better, all things considered. My folks are wonderful grandparents and I know they'll fall in love but it's just difficult to tell people things they won't initially be ecstatic about. But since I have these great ultrasound pictures now, I thought it would be cute to put together a basket of goodies that goes with our baby's name (yes, there are edibles tied to her name but it's not super weird), and put the picture in a Christmas card for them telling them they'll need another stocking for next year's family Christmas. My folks are 3,000 miles away - where we're trying to move to this coming summer - but no matter what we'll definitely have Christmas with them next year. I asked my guy to write a note to my folks reassuring them since we haven't gotten married yet (we want to have a wedding in my home state after the move), and he said he would. So we'll see how that goes.

Have tried to chat up the couple of sort of friends I have here. Going to have dinner with one early next week and hang out with another later in the week. Also keeping busy with a lot of the online groups I'm in, giving out advice and trying to help people - good practice for when I finish up my psychology degree. I know my head isn't completely rational right now but I can't really help how I feel. It's not a good time to have things up in the air at all. Trying to fill up my life with things other than anxiety about this situation and wild conjectures about what my guy is doing with all his time 100 miles away. frown Not easy.

I just keep telling myself, "Everything is going to fine, one way or another, and you don't know that the sky is falling anyway." I have to stay focused on my goals: Reassuring my guy about us and our relationship and family and future together by being calm, focused, effective, charming, and low maintenance. I want so much for us to get back to those giddy conversations about whether we should really wait for a wedding or just elope in Idaho some weekend. I want to get back those daydream talks about houses we've been looking at online. I want to flirt with each other while we make a giant batch of *our* chili together. I want him to see someone for his depression, find a job here, and finally move in. And I don't want anything fancy or at all expensive but, yes, darn it, I want a ring on my finger! Enough talk about getting married, give me an official commitment. I want him to tell his stupid, toxic "friends" (which isn't even remotely all of them, of course) that their opinions are not welcome, they don't even know me, and that they should be happy for him because he is starting a family with a great girl who treats him well and respects *who he is*. I want him to tell his ex to shut up, quit talking trash about me, and accept that their little boy is getting a little sister - my baby, our baby - and she needs to accept that and not destroy the relationship between siblings before it's even begun by being irrationally hostile toward me when I've only ever been kind to her. I want to get back invites to spend time with his family because he's just so excited to have me in his world. I want the little mini adventures we used to go on together, spontaneous trips out to the woods to enjoy the stars together. I want us to plan a teensy, little get away before the baby arrives. I want this weirdness to *go away*. I want *us* back. All of this, this is who we are as a couple and I miss it *so much*. cry

My plan right now is to be a little aloof but awesome and sweet. I plan to move forward with the things that need to happen if we are going to be living together, moving across the country, and all that. But I plan to do my best to be low pressure, low (visible to him) anxiety, not talk about the R too much, and just try to be good company - again, not easy given the emotions and hormones (this pregnancy, man, is way more emotional than the others - I cry while watching My Little Pony with my daughter!). It's pretty hard not to talk about your R and be low pressure when you're pregnant, though. Like, I don't even know... can we even go look at baby stuff together or is that too much? So hard. Oh well. Will just have to do my best. There's a reason he was on cloud nine about us just a few months ago - I'm a great partner and a pretty good catch! - and I have to remember that and build on it.


Me: 36
Ex-H: 36
Met/friends 9/2000
Fling 5/2002-8/2002
R: 2/2005
M: 8/2/2008
Ex-H online A: 11/2009 (discovered)
Ex-H filed 8/1/2014
D final 10/2015

DS: 19 (mine)
DD: 7 (with Ex-H)
DD: 2 (mine)
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 57
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 57
Hi there,

My heart goes to you. Can't imagine going through pregnancy and childbirth alone, no wonder you are so lost! You coming here asking for help had already shown so much strength. Rs are hard with children involved, but they are so worth it aren't they:)

My only advise is, if you don't know what to do, do nothing. Just carry on as usual, no pressure what so ever. He is still in the picture, that is good. Don't let your fear get the better of you. Be your awesome self, that is whom he was attracted to. I know it's hard, but you have a hard year of waking up multiple times a night to tend to your newborn to look forward to. Definitely look after yourself! Be selfish, and mirror his input. Don't give more than you get.

You've been through harder things. Don't try to control things that aren't in your control..


Me: 33 H: 32
T: 10 years M: 2
BD: Aug 2016
H moved out Aug 20, 2016
S: 17 months old

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard