In a nutshell. W agreed to end her EA/PA and break contact with OM back in June. In addition to the normal blocking of numbers and email addresses on her devices, we agreed to put a block on his number through our phone service.
Couple weeks ago I found txt msgs from the OM on her phone. She claims she unblocked him in September. This led to me agreeing to our current in-house separation.
Since late October and up until yesterday there have been a number of calls to a brand new number. Proabaly around 10-12 and most are in the 20-30 minute range in length.
My suspicion is that either 1) The original OM got a new cell number so they could talk again or 2) There's a new OM.
She has denied both of these things in MC. Claims she only txt'd the OM on his birthday and is not "seeing" him. Also denies being in a relationship with a new person. We also discussed that we would not date during our separation.
Should I confront her on this phone number? I'm trying to detach but feel like I also need to hold her accountable for her honesty since that is the thing I've asked her to work on.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
I think I answered my own question with the help of a comment by Sandi2 on another thread:
Originally Posted By: sandi2
You can dictate, discuss, and put your foot down about the guidelines in the S, but unless there is a legal agreement that covers it..........you are wasting your breath. She is going to date and sleep with OM. It makes no difference what ground rules you give, she is going to do whatever she wants.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Chris I'm sorry you are going thru all of this. I'm not sure what to tell you here. The thing is if you confront her she will most likely lie if it's OM or OM2. Even if she says it is what are you prepared to do about it. I know you are in MC but do you feel she is into it 100%? If not then you are most likely wasting your time and maybe making matters worse. She has already contacted OM at least once after saying she would cut off contact(my W did the same). You are going to have to figure out what you are willing to do if you confront her. Most likely it won't matter and she will do whatever she wants anyway. It's time to take the focus off of her and her wayward behavior and focus on your health and happiness.
This crap is hard. I know you can work through it. We can both do this together with the help of all our friends here. Please just take care of you and your kids. I hate to say it but it will probably get worse before it gets better, but it will get better no matter what if you take care of you.
Me:42 W:37 M:18 T:23 3S: 4,7,10 EA 6/16 ILYBNILWY 7/16 9/16 separate BR 10/16 Discernment Counseling She's moving out 1/17
Man that's tough, Chris73. Continuing evidence and continued lying is a tough, tough thing to go through. I know, because I waded through enough of that crap to last a lifetime.
Quote:
Should I confront her on this phone number?
There are websites where you can find the owner of the number...just saying. There is a certain "white" one that allows you to sign up for free and will give the name of the cell holder, unless it is a burner phone - which are mostly tracphones...
Try to find that first before confronting.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I hate to say it but it will probably get worse before it gets better, but it will get better no matter what if you take care of you.
Well, well said. Unfortunately, the worst hasn't even begun to make an appearance. But it will get better.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I've tried to spy dial the number. On some sites it turns up as a termite control business. On others it turns up as an number associated with the rental office of an apartment complex near us (but not the main number). At first I thought she was researching a place for one of us to move to. But she's never mentioned it and there are too many calls and they all last way too long for it to be a business discussion. So I have to assume it's a recycled cell number.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
I've tried to spy dial the number. On some sites it turns up as a termite control business. On others it turns up as an number associated with the rental office of an apartment complex near us (but not the main number). At first I thought she was researching a place for one of us to move to. But she's never mentioned it and there are too many calls and they all last way too long for it to be a business discussion. So I have to assume it's a recycled cell number.
Recycled seems right. Some may disagree with what I'm about to say, but I would call it to see. Not from your phone, of course.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
To continue - I did that to make sure the numbers I found were, in fact, his. Which they were.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Well it really seems obvious that this is a burner phone that the OM purchased so they could talk, since his regular number is blocked. I called the number from a pay phone. No answer. Generic voicemail telling me that the mailbox is full. Meanwhile my wife has called this number a few times in the past 2 days and racked up 20-40 mins per call. The only way I can confirm is to call the number from her phone. But she never puts it down and I don't know the passcode.
So I'm not sure what my next move it. Right now I'm angry and I want to confront her. But I will need to do it without anger. If she admits that the number is his and that the A is still going on, I feel like I will probably tell her that I'm done and that she should move out. And she will refuse.
My next move after that would be to consult with a lawyer.
On the other hand. I could use this opportunity to detach more and just leave the whole thing alone. But if the A really is happening even after she pledged honesty in our last MC session, I'm being made a fool of.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Well it really seems obvious that this is a burner phone that the OM purchased so they could talk, since his regular number is blocked. I called the number from a pay phone. No answer. Generic voicemail telling me that the mailbox is full. Meanwhile my wife has called this number a few times in the past 2 days and racked up 20-40 mins per call. The only way I can confirm is to call the number from her phone. But she never puts it down and I don't know the passcode
I have no doubt its his phone. When I tried the lookup on mine it just said tracphone user. Confronting her on this is difficult with solid proof because she can and will deny, and they will go further down that rabbit hole.
Solid proof is what you need. Some slip up, some don't. Mine did which allowed our child to break it open. And did it ever. The icing was the OM's wife calling me.
Some get a PI. Conversations can be recorded but are only legal and admissible if you are part of it in some form, I do believe. There was another thread on here way back when I was in the suspicion phase to where someone advised getting a voice-activated recorder and placing it in the ex's car. **I am not giving official advice and saying do it** That kind of thing cant be used, but it can give piece of mind. A friend did that to his wife and discovered a meeting place/time...to which he got there early and had a camera...instant proof. He couldn't use the recording but the pictures were all he needed.
Regardless, you need to know. Period. And you can't count on her being honest. Mine swore up and down during our MCing that she wasn't having an affair when the whole time she was screwing the OM. Don't believe a word.
Detach for yourself, but don't leave it alone. If she is, then you will need it all.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
