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In your first post I zoned in on you being done.I think that is best for you now. Just decide what that will look like. Don't let it be an angry bitter place. I don't think you are ready to have a healthy R with anyone else just yet, but yes you deserve better treatment. That day will come.

Don't worry about the reasons W is wanting to go. Maybe she has no other options. Regardless of the reason, I doubt it is to punish you. It is inconsiderate all the same. I can understand that it being far away she wants to make the most of it. Again selfish.


Did ye ever formalise a schedule for kids. If not that is a priority now. Maybe even if ye have to sit down with a lawyer or other authority figure to negotiate THIS Christmas. The vets can say if that is too hard a reaction but you have your rights too.

If you do not manage to negotiate a partition equitable this year, be clear that next year it will be the opposite I.e. 100% with you.

I am sorry you have bad associations and memories of new years.I do agree with the others that maybe you could start anew and create other memories,traditions etc .

I understand your hurt and anger. Hopefully they can serve you to drive your construction of a better life without W. 2017 will be your year and you will make it better.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Huddy I agree with you, I don't think there is any reasoning with any MLCer. You do however need to put a plan in place for holidays and celebrations. What does she want? To take turns so that the kids will spend one year with you and one with her? To split they time somehow? Could you get a mediator or is it a short notice? At the very least maybe email her so that you can have some evidence about agreements or negotiations?

Best of luck!


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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Huddy, I'm sorry you didn't get the best sleep ((((hugs)))))

I would say for today - don't focus on the longer term. You don't have to make any decisions about the longer term and the only early thing to think about is Christmas.

If you don't feel what she suggests is fair, I would go back to her on that basis and seek to renegotiate - accepting that you both may need to compromise here.

Don't worry about why she wants to make that trip. She does and that's up to her. What's up to you is how the two of you agree to split time with the kids this Christmas..

So, try not to widen this and just stick to the short term issue at hand - Xmas plans...all the other stuff - are you done - her stuff - you can think about in the new year.

Hope your day improves my friend and rather than take it out on colleagues, might you share what has happened with someone you trust? I'm sure people would want to support if they know what is happening.

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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You've been given some great advice...I know that you've stated that your wife is stubborn and won't budge on the Christmas issue, but it needs to be resolved. Is there any way that you can meet up w/her for coffee or something and talk to her about it? Point out that you are off for several weeks and would like to spend at least a portion of the holiday w/your children. Speak to her in a calm and even voice and look her in the eye when you do so. If you get emotional, then that's it...she'll pull away and tune you out completely.

If you don't have a visitation schedule in place, now is the time to have one legally drawn up. Focus on the here and now and let the future holidays unfold once a schedule is set up.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Job

I did speak to her in a normal, polite manner, but as always, I was simply met with a torrent of aggression. I think further communication on the issue is pointless. I don't feel emotion at all, but just incredibly fed up at DB'ing her and it's as if she has turned in to a cold, emotionless robot.

I will try some form of persuasion on Friday wen she drops the kids off. I had hoped no to get to a legal recourse position, as I was DB'ing, but I have taken advice, and it's 50/50 by default here.


M 45 W 52
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BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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Hi huddy,

What I'm going to tell you might not pleased you but i'd like to chip in. Every other year with H we would go back to see my parents as I'm not from the UK. When my mother in law passed away I didn't see my parents for 4 Xmas in a row (even if I don't get on particularly well with my mother, I missed her and I also felt that my kids should see their grandparents).

After that Xmas I didn't go for another 3 years in a row ( the last one was last year because I hoped i'd be back with H), so this year I'm taking the kids away for a week. It might sound harsh but I need to regroup my strength, and I can do it in a safe environment (ie with my family). I'm going for a week but it's really for 5 days as I'm losing two days travelling.

H has said that he would have the kids next year, even though it hurts me it's fair that he has them. Unfortunately now you have to think about having separate arrangements for Xmas and holidays. I'm planning to go away on holidays next year for Xmas.

Maybe your wife needs some time away, a change of scenery to think things through.

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Huddy - Just my 2 cents here as well. My W "despised" her sister - in part because of her sister's serial infidelities as well as a pretty narcissistic personality. When she started turning into an alien suddenly they became the best of friends which then allowed SIL to (I believe) agressively push W to leave. I know there were multiple texts every day plus multi-hour phone calls - all this with a woman that she would have barely given the time of day to the year before.

So - don't be surprised when people that they used to not get along with before suddenly are gathered to their bosom. This may not even have nothing to do with the Christmas.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Huddy, can you take advantage of the ridiculous length of the Christmas season to create some traditions wih your kids that aren't tied to Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?

You can either take the modern, commercial approach (and celebrate earlier in December) or take the traditional, religious approach and celebrate all the way until Epiphany (Jan 6). One of my friends has her annual holiday party on Epiphany.

Can you adjust the days you take off so that you use them when your kids are wih you?


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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Any news mate?

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
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Hi Roist

Yes, some news.

My W came to me last week and told me she was having further cosmetic surgery. Told me she was having her scar repaired, but due to her quoting the recovery time, I'd say that she's having her boobs done. She told me she wanted me to take her, have a week off to look after the kids, but I could have the car! As the kids were grappling with me, I said that February was a long way off, but I'd obviously have the kids. She took that as me saying I'd take her.

She then invited me to my D's birthday party she'd organised, on my weekend, and said she really wanted me to come. Obviously, I'm not going to say no to my D's birthday, so I agreed to that.

I met my bud, and former forum member, NDY in Glasgow for a chat. Over a few beers, he reminded me that she was probably 'cake eating' and that she was 'tugging the rope' to see if I was still attached. Of course, he talked a lot of sense, and this came to the fore last weekend. W dropped off the kids on Friday and my D was ill. So ill that she was hallucinating and slept almost the entire weekend.

On the Saturday evening, she texted me to ask about D, but asked me to do something for her (a favour) as she put it, and it really struck home that she was cake eating. She picked the kids up on Sunday morning to take them to a party and her first words to me were about the favour. I was angry and said I wasn't going to do it.

I decided that this couldn't continue. I assembled the gifts for her from the kids (they picked them, I bought and wrapped them) and tonight I let her know how much taking the kids away from me at Christmas would hurt me. I got carried away and said that it hurt me more than knowing she had been internet dating. At this point, she started spewing, asking how I knew (she'd left the tab open on S's laptop) and said 'well, it's time you moved on, because I have'. I told it I was done. She then went in to another rage (you've held all this anger back from the summer and told me now - no, it's called DB'ing, but you don't know it) and as I was kissing and saying goodbye to the kids she was still spewing as she went down the stairs.

So, I've either dropped the rope and been brave, or I've been a complete and utter tool and just lost the woman that I love, forever. But really, just how much hurt can a person take?

Anyways, feeling a bit raw right now (I wasn't at all emotional - I was really nervous before she came) and I did say to her that one day she'll wake up and realise what she's lost and she just repeated it back to me parrot fashion.

As I don't post much these days, please be gentle. Criticism or advice welcome, but please be gentle.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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