My wife and I have been married 14 years. 2 years into our marriage she had an affair with my best friend. I had a gut feeling it was happening and confronted both of them only to be convinced that I made it all up in my mind. So I apologized to both of them. We stayed friends and I never had another thought of it. Years later my wife out of the blue confessed everything. Every sordid detail. I called my friend and he admitted it too. My wife said they only had sex a couple of times but I don't know if I ever believed that because there were times where they had opportunity for 4 or 5 years. The story goes that he convinced her I was having an affair and this was how she could get back at me. After confessing we tried to move on. Went to MC. I just couldn't handle the idea that I was part of the problem. And by problem I mean neglect. So I never really let go of it. I tried to move on. There were good times and bad times. This year my wife started exhibiting weird behaviors. Like riding around late at night by herself while me and my son were asleep. One night I had that old gut feeling and checked up on her to see that she was at a man's house at midnight. I confronted her. She denied at first being there. But later said she had stopped to answer her phone and it just so happened to be this guy's house. I was frantic. I checked her phone: social media. She had contact with him through social media. I remember her talking about him a few weeks earlier. I left the house. The next day she filed. She says she filed because she wanted custody and she knew I would file that day. I never had intentions of filing. I wanted the truth before I did something that drastic. It's been 2 months. She denies any affair. I want to believe her. I just don't know. Her behavior is the same as it was when she actually had an affair. She's mean, verbally abusive, etc. Talking about how she wants passion and romance. But then she'll say she's so serially frustrated.
We're going to MC.I'm trying to work through it. She doesn't know what she wants. I've been given the IDLY, I hate you, you're pathetic in bed, I don't know what I want, I need space speech. Is frustrating.
I stayed the first time out of love. I got consumed by negativity. I'm trying to stay again.
I'm confused because she says she needs space but I've never really been there. Like I worked, came home went to bed. So how's that any different for her? She wants romance so how do I not give her flowers like I used to?
Is taken this to get me to see my faults as a husband and not putting my marriage first, like at all. Holding the affair over her head, etc.
How does this tough love help me when I've already been a butt hole so long?
My W and I have been married 14 years. A couple of years into our marriage she had an affair with my best friend. I had a gut feeling it was happening. Confronted them and ended up letting them, mainly her, convince me that I made it all up. I accepted that and moved on. We had a good marriage from that point. Around year 7 of our marriage she confessed the PA out of the blue. She said they only had sex twice but I doubt that because we were friends with the guy for 5 or 6 years. She said that he convinced her I was having an affair and this was the best way to get back at me. I stayed with her. We went to MC. But it never worked because I never wanted to think I might have drove her to do it. So I hung out over her head. It wasn't on purpose. I didn't set out to punish her. It just happened.
Fast-forward. 3 or 4 months ago my W starting riding around late at night while my son and I slept. One night, recently, i had the same gut feeling that something wasn't right with her. So I checked her whereabouts. She was at a man's house at midnight. She came home and I confronted her. She lied and said she was somewhere else. When I proved where she was she admitted being there but no affair. I asked why she lied to me. She said she stopped in this guy's driveway to check her phone and he came out to see who was there. She went on to say that they went to school together and just started reminiscening. I was mad and hurt. I discovered she had been talking to him over social media. But we own a business where she makes contacts through social Media. So idk. Then I remembered she was talking about him, his divorce and daughter a few days before. I want to believe her. I do love her. I just don't know if I'm dealing with a serial cheater. I'll admit I haven't been much of a husband. But who dues this to people over and over.
I don't know if it was an affair. Because she talks about sexual frustration. I'm just lost.
She filed two days after this event. She said she knew I was going to file and she wanted custody. We're not living together. She goes back and forth over divorce. I just don't know. She says she needs time and space but my job requires me to be at my house everyday. The things she complains about that lead to this, I can't do by giving her space. Helping at home, showing affection, etc. So how do the things suggested in the book and rebuild?
Edit - threads merged - stick to one thread until 100 posts Cadet
Last edited by Cadet; 12/06/1601:24 PM. Reason: threads merged
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Why do you say you haven't been much of a husband? Focus on this. You can't change her, but you can change you.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Well for starters I put my job first. And when things went bad at my job it caused some serious depression which in turn put stain on my marriage. Didn't care about sex, didn't care about much of anything really. So I didn't do the things I should have to help. That's what hairbrush the first time she had an affair.
Truth be told I hoped sandi2 would help me find out if my wife was a walk away or wayward. She seems like both to me. So I dunt know how to handle the situations.
You mention that you are going to MC. How is her attitude towards it? Is she just going through the motions, or is she truly vested?
Regardless of what type of spouse she is, you can GAL. You can detach. You can validate. You can be non-confrontational. You can be the husband only a fool would leave. Do that for a while, and in the meantime, let us know how these MC sessions are going
I am dealing with some of these same issues with my coach. Doing a 180 in your case may be doing the things you haven't done but want to do. If you've neglected your wife, maybe you need to start paying attention to her and really listening.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Blended, I don't think she's invested. Had to beg her there. She flip flops from wanting a divorce to being unsure. I'm trying to detach and GAL but it's difficult for me. I'm loyal to a fault. I'm trying to be non-confrontational but she always could read the look on my face.
