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Joined: Jun 2016
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So, NC with W yesterday. After yesterday's outburst.

Worked hard all day - lots to do today.

W dropped kids this morning without a glance either way. Swimming tonight I have already mentioned to the kids that I might not make swimming today. I usually go, but sometimes if busy I don't. I like to go as it is good for them and my R with W. But she stresses massively when getting them changed. It's no big deal, but she does. I don't get it. I help Her get the kids changed, they play up - in the tiniest way - being slow, laughing with friends (they are kids). I just cheerfully help. I can feel and see her wanting to spew but around all those other mums she doesn't as they would look at her incredulously. I don't think I will go tonight I don't want to be around the monster I can feel in her right now.

So talked to kids about mum this morning. When I asked 'How was mummy yesterday/this morning stuff'. The consensus was 'stressed and angry'. I said that's okay, it's just an emotion and sometimes when people are stressed we need to give them space to calm down. But we don't need to feel like that. We just let them feel how 'they' feel. We can just be like 'us'. Happy and having fun.

I hope I am giving my kids a good way of understanding and coping. I do fear for them to some degree - not in terms of anything physical my W could do at all. She is a great and loving mum. But they clearly "see" 'her' and still, of course, love her) for what she is - they might not like the bahaviour but they accept it. They see that she is 'busy' and 'stressed'. D9 rationalises it as work is just very busy for mummy. I think therefore she has a way of explaining her ways. That seems good. But I don't want her or my S6 growing up to think the normal reaction to every day stress is this behaviour. I don't want them to have similar M's when they grow up.

Yes her job (that she never 'needed' to take up - she gas lighted me that she 'had to' because of my tight fistedness) is no doubt stressful. However, I earn very well and money was never an major object as such. I think it was all about the 'exit' when she was pulling everything away. Friends, family, love, care all the LLs - finally she went totally independent and left. She often said I would be happier living in a tiny flat than having 'this'. So money was never an issue for her clearly. I have come to learn that 'this' is, most probably, her own world as such. I feel so sorry for her I wish I could flick a switch - reset her. But I know I can't.

Sorry rambling. Memories flooding back.

Time to switch off and detach from all this for a while.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273
S
Surfer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273
S
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OP Offline
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Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273
Jeep.

Thanks very much for the post.

I think they do enjoy it actually. But I also agree with your point that they don't see it to some degree. But that's because they are allowed to hide from the truth IMHO.

I think there is a psychological payoff in the game they play. A release. Try putting your hand in the fire. Zero payoff. You wouldn't do it twice. I think it gives them a release in e action (also in validating the action), it is totally unhealthy however, and it not only damages them it damages the kids and you and everyone around exposed to the behaviour. I wonder if the action and the validation provides a release (literally releasing frustration) and self empowerment (a pat on the back for being told they did a good job in spewing)?

They don't see it because they feel it is acceptable and right. They are perhaps people that have only validation in their life. Nobody steps up and says 'hey this is wrong'. Why, because those people can't afford the consequences of a dropped relationship, the toxic backlash or the fact that they won't listen anyway.

My W really struggles with apologies. MIL is similar. She is always right. This is perhaps a key thing IDK. It might just be tertiary rambling,

So does she see bad behaviour like this - yes. But she will only tell people 'I spewed' to get empathy. If she tells someone once and if they critique her - she will withdraw from that person. No payoff so no point in the relationship.

Weird. Very weird. In reality, these people will struggle to grow and change because they can't accept they have a problem.

We all have faults and problems. We all need to work on ourselves. God knows I have many. I will not stop working on them. Even if they take me a lifetime.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273
S
Surfer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273
"Enjoy" is used loosely here. I mean they get 'a payoff'!


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
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V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
For your info this is where I started on emotions and anger without much structure

origins of V anger


V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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