Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 153
L
Lex23 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 153
Originally Posted By: sandi2


Has she ever told you what she needed from you to feel loved?

Do you know if your W has her profile on any type of these sites, or has communicated with some of the members?

Do you have couple friends? Do you attend church, belong to an organization, attend sporting events, art shows, school or community functions, concerts........anything for fun? I know you said you do everything together, but do you include others and interact with other families? Do your kids play with other children regularly? What type of work do you do?



Thanks again for the help. In answer to your questions.

She has never told me what she needs to be loved. But, she seems to need/respond to regular, frequent compliments and reassurances.

She does not have any dating site profiles and has not used any of these sites. Other than my one time look, I have not either. I don't have any site accounts.

We are not disconnected from others. we just do everything together. We have couples that we spend time with and mutual friends that go back years. Our children play with the neighborhood kids and we interact with their parents. Judo club provides some camaraderie to my son and I.

I am an IT professional and I am fortunate to have a very predictable schedule and lots of vacation days.

Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 153
L
Lex23 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 153
Two nights ago the wife was laying close to me and we were touching. I put her hand on me and we ended up masturbating together. I was laying on my back and was as neutral as possible. This morning she said that she felt ambushed. I tried to validate her feelings even though I did not feel like I was aggressive with her. I said that it was not my intention to make her feel that way and what could I do to prevent her from feeling that way in the future. She said that she needed more time. I asked if "given enough time" would we eventually be ok. She said yes so I renewed my promise not to talk about us or attempt to have sex with her for December. It all seemed genuine to me but of course I still have fears that I am being used. I plan to keep my promise for another month so I will wait at least that long before doing anything else. I hope that I am making a wise choice.

Last night she laid close to me again and rubbed on me and we talked about light fun things and I made her laugh several times.

I am keeping my expectations to zero as best as I can. Going to concentrate on reassurances and compliments this month.

I want to thank every poster in this thread. Having an outlet is really helping me keep my emotions together. If anyone has any further thoughts about my situation then please feel free to post.

Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 153
L
Lex23 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 153
One final thought for today. I believe I will eventually have to confront the W about her flirting with Celeb if she doesn't stop on her own. I don't think we can completely reconnect while that is going on. I will still wait until at least January to see what happens first.

Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Stop making her promises!

Quote:
One final thought for today. I believe I will eventually have to confront the W about her flirting with Celeb if she doesn't stop on her own. I don't think we can completely reconnect while that is going on.


So you confront her. Then what?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 153
L
Lex23 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 153
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Stop making her promises!

Quote:
One final thought for today. I believe I will eventually have to confront the W about her flirting with Celeb if she doesn't stop on her own. I don't think we can completely reconnect while that is going on.


So you confront her. Then what?



Honestly, I don't know. I figure my kids don't care if we are having sex or not, they just want us together. So I can't threaten to leave her. I don't want to leave her anyway.

I considered stopping bankrolling her art or ejecting her from our bedroom to the guest bedroom but those both seem pretty extreme.

I guess this is what I need to decide over the next few weeks.

Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 111
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 111
I agree with Sandi of course-- do not confront about the flirting, she can do what she wants.... people make their own choices and you can make your own boundaries. but if you confront it... sounds like an ultimatum.

Also, I could tweak your response to the sex ambush...how about "I understand..." and thats it. No follow-up, no checking on the future... etc.

I am not an expert, just sharing a couple of ideas ...


H (me) 52, W 42
M 15
D14, S12
PA June and Sept 2016
Found out Sept, confronted Oct
NC with OM since Oct, remorseful
Dating since Nov
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,387
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,387
Lex

You are Plan B. While she's infatuated with the celebrity she's not going to be really interested in you. When her infatuation with the celebrity ends, she'll likely move on to someone else. But if she can't find someone right away, she may fall back onto you. Until she finds someone else. She might even stay in the marriage long term for financial reasons, but her heart won't be in it.

You might say it worked great for 18 years, why can't we just get back to how it was? I would say it didn't work great for those 18 years, because the relationship and her feelings for you degraded during those years, til it crumbled. Actually, I would say your troubles began long before that, during your wife's emotionally traumatic childhood.

So, you could do nothing. Things will happen to you and your marriage, as your wife acts upon all that has grown in her heart all these years. Sadly, there is very little you can do to influence your wife, and trying to influence her will only make things worse. She's already accused you of rape and ambush. So, that leaves you -- you're the only person you can control.

This is how I see your situation, and much of it mirrors mine. It doesn't look good, Lex. But I don't think it will get better until you accept that something is terribly wrong in your marriage, that it hasn't been healthy for a long time, and that going back is not an answer because there isn't something healthy to go back to.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Don't misunderstand why I asked you about confronting her. If you confront her about the celebrity, and she admits to texting him, then what will you do? The worst thing is for a woman to know that her H knows what she's doing.....but the H isn't doing anything about it.

A WW may get caught, her H may present proof, and she may admit the truth. However, if the H does nothing but bring her A up in confrontation, she will continue with the activity. Her getting caught, or even admitting the truth does not fix the problem. There has to be more than simply telling her you know she's carrying on a flirtatious A with another man.

That's what I want you and other H's to understand. Confrontation, alone, does not fix the problem. You have to be ready to draw a line in the sand about what you will tolerate. And if she doesn't care, then you have to be ready to respond to her disrespect.

I am not against confrontation........if it is done correctly. My point is, however, that it usually just notifies the WW that the H is aware of her contacts. There has to be more than just notifying her. Otherwise, she will either carry the A deeper underground or continue her contacts right in her H's face.

Does any of what I've said make sense?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 153
L
Lex23 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 153
Originally Posted By: sandi2


Does any of what I've said make sense?



yes, I understand, thank you.

I have been preparing myself for confrontation for the past few months. But, as you said, I can't just confront her and then do nothing.

The things that have been holding me back from doing what I want and bringing it out in the open are.

-She will use my getting her pregnant as a battering ram to any argument. logic will not help here. I'm not sure how to respond. I am weak here because I do genuinely feel bad for what I did. I also realize that what I did does not make her flirting ok and that she started flirting before I hurt her.

-I'm not sure what line to draw. most of my thoughts here seem to extreme. I control all finance so I can make whatever I want happen. But, most of this seems just punitive and mean. I'm sure she is hurting and it might just push her harder to go away.

How do I have a velvet fist here?

Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 153
L
Lex23 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 153
Originally Posted By: ForGump

This is how I see your situation, and much of it mirrors mine. It doesn't look good, Lex. But I don't think it will get better until you accept that something is terribly wrong in your marriage, that it hasn't been healthy for a long time, and that going back is not an answer because there isn't something healthy to go back to.


I accept it. She doesn't feel loved so I have failed her. I've been reflecting on this fact for 9 months now. Plenty of emotional pain has been my teacher. I'm working on more effective loving and where to go from here.

Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard