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Hi Chippie, how are you doing hon? You and your marriage remind me so much of myself, it just breaks my heart.

Yes, divorce is scary and expensive. It's horrible. frown But sometimes we are not given a choice. What's going on with you?


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
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Chippie Offline OP
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Hi RosaLinda,
In some ways things are SO MUCH BETTER. Doing a search for short term solution focused therapy I found an amazing therapist - he had agreed to couples therapy and now he likes this therapist as much as I do. We have passed through the darkest days. I've practiced much of the 180s. We enjoy 5/7 of our time together. We're having sex. We're watching tv everyday and he's affectionate with me and telling me he loves me.

However when he's stressed he still becomes absurd. When we do work on the house together he is harsh. He's been saying that he's doing all the work and no one is helping. This isn't true. I worked at home on Friday in order to be nearby while he worked on the ladder. Then he starts dominating the day and saying he doesn't want to do all the work. Later I see him FB messaging a gal that he went camping with and lied to me about - he brought the kids. Most likely nothing happened (that was during the darkest days) but what kind of bullshit is that.

In my mind I think he's changed since that time and now he wants me but he's the one who's complaining about doing all the work while messaging girls.

I see I'm going on about him again.

But furthermore, I think that our therapist wants me to break up with him and that scares me so much. He is a proponent of staying together since we have kids but he keeps asking me pointed questions that make me panic.

Why do you stay in the marriage?

Why does he make you get up half the early mornings with the kids when you were the one to get up with the children in the middle of the night with the babies when it's clear mornings are hard for you?

When I asked him he thought I should break up with him and if he had cheated on me he said I'd need to ask him and he didn't want to get in the middle like that. Which is probably just a yes and yes.

Meanwhile, the therapist has me spend time doing art - just 15 minutes a week! To build ME up.

I stopped asking my husband on dates because he never asks me out. He puts work and children (not important aspects) everything, everyone, comes before me.

He also recently asked me again if he could date other women and said he was making the decision still - now the deadline is March.

This is so disrespectful because I've been very clear all along. He puts his libido above basic respect for me.

So much has changed, maybe more will change.

I'm trying to avoid sex with him but I get so tempted because I enjoy it and he's persistent and the attention feels so good and it fits with what I want.

But last night I locked my door to help my resolve. Then this morning he tried to bring me coffee with hearts in it and the door was locked. I unlocked it and accepted the coffee and felt my anger wane.

I need to focus on my work, myself and figure out what to do later. Try not to get angry - express myself from a place of hurt not anger.

I haven't checked here in a long time and I really appreciate your responses.

Chippie
Me 48 him 51
m 16
2 girl kids

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Chippie

It is unhealthy and harmful to your soul to continue in a relationship in which the other person wants to date other women. (Let slone the other stuff) You deserve more.

It's that simple.

Hugs

Juju.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Hi Juju,
Yes I agree that it feels bad but how many men lust after other women? Isn't it typical in 50% of the cases that they at least desire that?

I agree that I deserve more. I told him that tonight. I deserve more - everyone does. I'm not special. It's basic stuff that people deserve.

But we have two children together, 16 years and so much together. It's tough. Well no one ever said it would be easy.

I don't expect a perfect relationship. I just insist on certain minimums. And he was saying before I shared all my feelings in therapy that he thought he might chose to be with just me. I said "You can't complain about doing all the work when you're messaging women." Then he said I was spying. I said I'm not spying but you just admitted to messaging women. I said that his camping was hurtful and he's never acknowledged that that would be hurtful nor promised that he wouldn't do it again. I really laid into him in therapy and he said he felt bushwacked and that the therapist had orchestrated that whole thing and he didn't like him anymore. I said well you bushwack me every week. I can't tell you how exhausted I am. I work full time. Me or the girls make dinner at night. We are currently painting the whole house exterior by ourselves and more for home insurance reasons. I don't know how we're going to do the second floor. : (

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Hi Chippie, I'm sorry to hear about where things are at. It sounds as though your H very much has a wayward mindset just now and what he wants is for you to endorse what he'd like to do - ie: date and remain in the M.

If that's not what you want, I would be crystal clear about that boundary. For me, it was a hill I was willing to die on, and yes our M has ended, but in truth I would rather be single than live in that way again. Being with XH whilst he was secretly in touch with others was the worst thing, so I do empathise with your situation.

I guess the message from me is - he will do what he will do - that's up to him. However, you get to decide what you want to do. You have absolute control over you and what you want from your life going forwards.

Before BD, XH told me a story about a colleague of his who had multiple A's, and he and his W separated many times, before ultimately being together whilst he continued to date from time to time. XH told me this as though it was some kind of success story. Looking back, I realise he was hoping for some endorsement of an A that was ongoing at that time - ugh. Any ways, the endorsement was never forthcoming and here I am..

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Are you able to update us?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi Everyone! Sorry to be absent in a room of many intelligent and concerned individuals. Yes, I'm being clear about my boundaries. Trying to discuss them without blame when I can muster the restraint but at the last relationship email exchange he said - in response to my question or statement that perhaps our core values no longer overlapped (mine being monogomy and honesty) and he said no I guess they don't. So I'm mentally preparing for a separation. I'm extremely depressed which is manifesting in zero energy, very tired, difficulty sleeping, total exhaustion much of the time. He's pretending that we're moving on with marriage but on his terms... he wants to go on dates, intitiates them like I had asked for a long time but refuses to commit to a monogomous lifestyle. He says he doesn't even have other relationships... but that's a deal breaker for me. He's stopped going to therapy with me, also a deal breaker. My therapist has advised getting ready for separation before telling him unequivocally. I thought that I had already told him that it's honesty and monogomy or the highway but he's pretending that I didn't mean it I guess? I'm not sure. I'm struggling with the energy. I wish I could be doing the 180 with more vigor. In many ways I am doing them. I guess I'm hoping when he realizes that we're done for good he'll see the error of his ways and wake up to the ridiculousness of this all. My biggest obstacle is me and my fear. My inertia. Thich Nat Hanh says we prefer the familiar suffering. This is true. The hardest thing is when I told him it was over, he was accepting. But I guess that he didn't believe it. I'm in such a fog I'm not even sure when I told him that. Now I'm retreating to my corner to get organized... to try to catch up on sleep, to get healthy, to understand the finances. It's all a mess. We just bought a house, purchased tickets to mexico in february... have xmas plans etc.... thanks for listening.

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You've stated a boundary. He's testing you to see if you stick to it or put up with his behavior. Not saying he'll come running back if you stick to it, but if you don't there is ZERO chance you'll get the relationship you're looking for.

My IC told me people don't fear things, they fear emotions. In other words, they aren't worried about 'losing their job', or 'being single', per se. They fear that they won't be able to cope with the emotions they'll feel in case of those events.

The biggest thing I've learned through DBing is that I can manage through my emotions. Once I learned that no matter how tough the emotions are that come, I will be ok...well, the fear all kind of went away. It may not be pleasant, but I know I can handle what comes.

What has helped me handle my emotions is a major focus on daily appreciation.

Sorry you're down right now. I wouldn't call it depression. Depression is chronic suffering with no cause. You have a cause. You are grieving. It's a big difference. You are not broken. You are hurting for a reason, and I would think you are broken if you didn't feel pain and suffering right now.

Lower your expectations of yourself, give yourself time to grieve, but then also make a priority to focus on appreciation daily and doing a few small things towards self care, GAL, and 180s. It won't change overnight but your emotions will eventually follow your actions.

Maybe one motivator- how can you expect him to act with character when he doesn't feel like it if you can't? Be strong, act the way you know you should, and set the example of being the person you know you should be even when you don't feel like it.

Keep posting and hang in.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Thanks Zues. Today he's being polite. Saying that we can sleep in separate beds at his moms on xmas. Talking about renovations on our house. Asking me if we should make a stream go under a bridge in the front yard. I said no, we should think about re-sale value of improvements. I told him I didn't care what windows he's getting for the two story studio we just put in, just grateful that I don't have to decide and he's taking care of it. He was going to take a longer trip to nyc over xmas because I can't take as much time, he would drive with the kids and I'll fly then he said he could go for the same length even though he told the girls they'd leave as soon as school is out. I don't know why. kids were bickering, I suggested we each take one child and let them have a break from each other. He said he wasn't comfortable with that. I'll try to get a list of my assets in order so I can clearly tell him next week that we need to physically separate. I can't do this roommate thing he's talking about sometimes. It really breaks my heart. Meanwhile, guys I'm not interested in are coming out of the woodwork. It's short amusement but not enough to ease the pain. DH even insisted that I take time to make art this weekend. He never does that... the 180 would be working if not for this dumb philandering thing. How do I make THAT stop? (I don't actually think there's an answer for that.) Good reminder to GAL, appreciations, etc.

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Now he wants to stay in the relationship and have online affairs or do whatever with women. Currently I don’t know if he has any online affairs and he has none in person that I know of.
If I follow the 180 and plan to leave if he doesn’t change his ways, how do I act on a day to day basis along the 180 lines – while I’m figuring out logistics. It’s complicated since we bought a house and we have children. I work 50 weeks a year and he has a professor schedule.
I’m pretty angry about his absurd wishes. Do I pretend to not be mad and tell him I want to leave in a calm and collected way?
We’re still living together, we have shared xmas plans, we have plans to go to mexico in February. Im thinking I should aim to be physically separated in three months.
I resisted his advances on Friday. I said its attached to expectations.
He’s going to LA to meet with his agent he says. In the past he would have wanted me to go with him.
Anyway, I feel like being nice is encouraging to his current behavior. How to I blend this with the 180?

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