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Your getting a good job (with the possibility of getting an even better one) has to be feel great. I've been following your sitch since you got here as you joined this site just about the same time I did. I haven't posted too often on your threads but I've been in the background pulling for you.


M 55 W 52
MR 32 T 34+
D29
BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out
ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email)
No EA/PA
August 23 - DB used against me in every way
Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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I have learned the best way...is to simply go through it...worry of things that more often never happen is the stress that can destroy us...
Keep pushing through...

Be well my friend.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
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Last few days have been just a whirlwind. I spent a lot of time over the weekend unpacking. On Sunday I spent the day with my kids for the first time in a long time. We were all really happy to see each other. I took them to a friends birthday party and then later ok I took them back to my new apartment. We ordered food and spent the rest of the night talking, snuggling in bed and playing video games. I'm really glad l live close to them now.

Still mildly depressed about the divorce, I'm still doing a lot better than I have been, but I still have some freak outs throughout the day over unexpected things that happen. For instance today, the guy who is buying our old house was complaining because there was a warp in the floorboards, now we get less money back in equity because they want money back for the floors. I feel like this was my fault because when I left the house I called com ed and turned off the power. The freezer defrosted and I guess started leaking. Probably my ex wife is blaming me for this f*** up. I've been beating myself up about it all day.

On the other hand I got not one but two job offers and spent the day on the phone with recruiters in kind of a bidding war. The bidding war is actually still going on but worse comes to worse, I basically just got myself a promotion and a $40000 raise. That's insane to me. I would have been satisfied with my old job making far less if I wasn't pushed by circumstance into this position.

I'm sitting here right now at a sandwich shop, and it occurs to me I just accomplished most of my major career ambitions. I tried calling my brother and a friend, no one answered. For some reason I want to call my ex wife and say something crazy like

Please don't leave I just got a job making multiple six figures.

I won't do that, they're just crazy thoughts rushing through my head. No one to talk to. Im thinking tomorrow we have our final mediation and a court date on Wed. Im still pushing through. Trying to appreciate the massive blessing that are appearing in my life and be positive. I just accomplished basically all the admittedly modest career ambitions I've ever had. I have thought about this day ever since I graduated from college, I never thought I'd spend it alone with no one to talk to.


Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs
D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs
BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16

Joined: Nov 2016
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This resonates with me - as things went downhill with SO, everything else went up. I also reconnected with kids, advanced in my career, got a $15k raise, friends reached out to me, girls flirted with me.

This should tell you something, my friend. You are doing exactly what you need to be doing; even if W is completely unaware of her own ridiculous behavior. I'm sorry, but when everything in your life is going right, and the only thing "wrong" is the WAS, then guess where the "wrong" is?

You should be proud of you! Why are you reducing your success based on who looks at it?


“You only lose what you cling to.” – Buddha
Joined: Jun 2016
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qt4x11 Offline OP
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I guess was 'reducing my success'. I didn't mean to. I am very grateful to have some terrific opportunities thrown my way. I think a year ago I would have kissed the ground with joy. I think it's just tougher for me to appreciate things right now with all the stuff going on in my life, I feel like all of the bs of the divorce [censored] away or distracts from any good things that happen, which are already few and far between. Like today, I hit some career milestones. In the back of my mind I am thinking: oh man, I have court ordered mediation tomorrow. Damn. We just got screwed on our equity with the house sale. Oh damn, we have a court date on Wed.

I just want this to be over. At this point I don't know how we'd ever reconcile given everything that's happened. I don't think my ex wife gives a damn about me other than to collect as much child support as she can. And I don't know how I could ever get back together with my wife given she's put me through the ringer for the past 8 months.

At this point I would just be satisfied with a decent amount of time with my kids, a fair amount of child support and alimony that I know I have to pay. I'd be happy to never speak to her again aside from on TalkingParents about the kids. I just want to go to work, exercise, eat right, take care of myself. Start building my finances up again. Fix up my apartment the way I want it. Make it a comfortable place where I can learn how to live on my own, get some work done, and stabilize my life again. Have my kids over half the time, do homework with them, play games with them, take them out to eat.

I don't want to worry about lawyers or court dates or legal bills. I just want some peace and to be left alone.


Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs
D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs
BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16

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I don't want to worry about lawyers or court dates or legal bills. I just want some peace and to be left alone.

You can choose not to worry.
You can work towards inner peace.
Being left alone is also a choice.

I know of the thoughts that there is no control...but with a focused effort, you can put in the work and have that which you desire.

The choice is yours.
What do you have to lose by making the choice and taking the actions?

Be well today my friend.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
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Thank you for sharing your story. I am reading your thread and feel so many of the same things, particularly al of the negative thoughts crowding out whatever good there is. You are a few months further along than I am and feel I am following your footsteps.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Jun 2016
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You don't want to follow in my footsteps.


Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs
D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs
BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16

Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
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qt4x11 Offline OP
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I haven’t written in a long time. I’ve moved to a new apartment and started a new job. I also started exercising at the gym. The holidays came and went, actually Christmas was not so bad. The kids were with me, I think if they weren’t with me I would have been a wreck. Everything is strange and new, right down to where I sleep at night and my relationship with my kids. I will write about this stuff in more detail soon probably. I’m actually trying to write less, think about depressing stuff like this less, and try to focus on positive things most of the time. Doing good at work, focusing on my kids when I’m with them. Being nice to people, doing things that are good for me like working out.

I had a dream last night about my wife. I dreamt I called her and asked her to talk in person - but she was surrounded by people who were telling her 'not to talk to that [censored]’. So I asked her on the phone - how you could blow up our lives like this, without even giving us the chance to work on our problems. Even if she felt she needed to do it, at least talk to me about it. As it is right now, I’m still without closure, and I think that’s why I dream about asking for some type of closure in my dreams. In my dream I think she hangs up or someone pulls her away, or the dream ends abruptly. I don’t get closure even in my dreams.

In my real life, if I ask my ex wife why she did this crap without even talking to me about it first - I would get the same non answers. Maybe she doesn’t even know why she was compelled to push this thing through at the time. Maybe she was just so angry she didn’t even want to talk to me, or wanted to punish me for things I did. Now it’s too late to go back even if we wanted to. Too much has happened.

The latest in the case is that my wife is trying to take my kids away from me basically. I only see them 10 days a month. Since I sold my house and moved to be closer to them I was expecting to increase the amount of time I have with the kids. She sent over a settlement offer that would cut my time with the kids to less than 5 days a month. That’s like a slap in the face. What would our relationship be like if I see them even less than I do now, which is already heartbreaking as it is? I worry about my kids a lot, how they will grow up through all of this. Her position is basically ridiculous - she thinks the kids should have a ‘consistent place to sleep at night’, despite I live 5 minutes away and have as much right to have them sleep over at my house as she does. I don’t know how she could think that a consistent place to sleep at night is more important than meaningful time with a father who loves them and wants to be in their lives.

I know why my wife is doing this. It’s basically for money. The less I see my kids, the more I have to pay her in child support. So she is willing to hurt her own kids in order to angle for more child support money. This is a woman who portrays herself as a great mom on social media. And yet here she is, hurting her own kids, blowing up her family without so much even a word to try to work things out. Turning her back on a guy who has worked his a** off for 10 years and sacrificed his personal life and friends to take care of her with an extremely stressful job. She doesn’t care - without a father figure in their lives, kids are more at risk for teen pregnancy, not graduating from college, lower than average salaries, etc. It’s the single biggest handicap a kid could have growing up, not having a father figure in their lives. And it’s all unnecessary because I’m right here and I love those kids. She doesn’t care. Everything is to set herself up to go live ‘the single life’.

I’m not as bad off as I was, I’m not back in the hospital again with severe depression. I’m coping. But this stuff still scares the hell out of me. I can fight it in court - but that would mean tens of thousands more in legal fees, dragging out the case, bringing in even more lawyers and psychologists. I just want this to end. What can I do though, I have to fight this. These are my kids, what else is there to fight for if not being able to be in my own kids lives?


Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs
D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs
BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16

Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 638
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Tell her you'll go into bankruptcy before you'll settle for less than 50% custody.


Me: 46
W: 44
Married: 17
Together 21
D13; S10
BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you)
Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage
Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
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