cheesyt 5 - now what?

[cheesyt]

Just journaling…
Got a call from my sister. Not so good news concerning the family. I’m sitting here at my desk and wondering who I can call to talk to…I’m not close to anyone. I never have. Not like I was to my W. Yes I have friends, yes I talk to my roommate and they’re great supporters with W…but family stuff…Idk it hurts cus my W just knows me and my family and it hurts. It just hurts. She let me down…the one person I trusted and loved so blindly and unconditionally just left me…and from where I’m standing she did it with such ease.
-picking up my own pieces.

[hawker]

I'm sorry to hear about your family Cheesy.....I know what you mean, my dad is having some medical issues as well...talk to your sister and your family and friends...hang in there!!

[BluWave]

(((Cheesy))) I'm so sorry. It's so hard to lose someone on top of all that you are going through. It can strip us of our own sense of security and leave us vulnerable to the world. The pain is indescribable.

When I found out that my H was having an A with somoene that I thought was one of my closest friends, it was right after my father died. It was also while my teenager was battling with mental illness (new diagnosis) and substance abuse. I literally felt like I was dying--couldn't eat, sleep, think straight--and I felt like a shell of a person. My H was the one that had always comforted me and he was now the one causing my pain.

Sometimes I wonder how I survived. I don't say any of this to suggest I know what you are feeling. I say it because I have learned that there is a resiliency within us that will get us through our darkest days. I just want you to know that there will come a day that you will look back on this and have survived a very difficult and painful time. It will not stay this way forever.

I hope and like to think it does make us stronger. I do think the biggest silver lining for me was that what I learned about myself is that I can overcome any obstacle.

So it's okay to feel terrible and grieve all of these hardships. Just please know that you are never alone in your suffering. She cannot comfort you now, but your own love is so much stronger.

Blu

[Vanilla]

Cheesyt

I echo the lovely thoughts of Blu

Loss digs at our souls and seems like an extra hurt at this time of our life

Loss upon loss, cuts deep and painfully

So so hard, and my thoughts are with you

Big hugs

V

[cheesyt]

Thank you blu and V for your kinds words of encouragement and support. I didn't lose a family member though my father is not doing well at all.
In other news, I was really missing my w these past couple of days. Earlier I was wishing and hoping she'd text me. Funny Cus she did, she asked if I had called the cable company to ask about her refund. I told her yes but they are still processing the refund of the cable boxes. W asked if there was a time frame for the $ going back on her card because it's the only $ she has for the electric bill. I told her no time frame. And then...my w texted "so what am I supposed to do"
To which I have not replied because nothing nice comes to mind. My thoughts are, put it on a credit card. Ask SOW. Figure it out. I don't know. It's not my problem. And then I remembered, when W asked me not to come home I didn't have a single dollar (other than on my credit cards) because the bills had been paid & w handled finances so by now she had moved money around away from me. So I'm thinking, she sure did not care what I did or couldn't do so why should I care now? I couldn't move Cus I couldn't afford an apartment or a deposit on one, yet W wanted me to leave. Interesting. & then my friend pointed out that as always it's all about W. Selfish. W just cares about her. Do I want to help w, of course I do! However, she's not my W right now. She's still some selfish confused woman I don't really know. Can't help but to feel guilty for not helping but I'm no ones doormat. W was on her high horse for the past 6months, it's interesting for her ask me what to do. I don't understand it. I must look out for me though.
Pretty sure I'll reply I don't know. And leave it at that.

[Coly23]

Hey Cheesey, it does seem like she still uses you to lean on a lot. I'm not sure how you should respond to her text if at all just in case anything you say sparks some angry debate.

Maybe one of the vets can chime in here...

((Cheesey))

[lt0402]

Cheesy, I'd say you sleep on it and text back in the morning. Maybe a response of "I can see how that would be hard" would be a good answer and just leave it at that. Acknowledge her difficulties but not take ownership or responsibility for them.

It's so easy to get wrapped up in the emotion and fire back responses. Less is more right now I think. You are doing well and I'm very jealous of what sounded like a good vacation for you!!!

On a side note, sorry to hear about your dad. I hope he's doing better and know that we are always here for you should you need folks to listen.

Hang in there cheesyt! You're strong and going down the right path!

[cheesyt]

Thanks coly and lt I actually didn't reply. She never texted back.
I'm exhausted, i feel physically, mentally & emotionally exhausted...I can make it a day and be ok and then night comes and I'm getting ready for bed and I'm reminded how I won't be going to bed with my W..we had different morning schedules and day schedules but night...we went to bed together every night. Perhaps that's why i struggle with it so much. There are only a few nights in the week i don't cry before drifting off to sleep. I miss her so much. Sometimes I miss her so much I feel it in my bones, like every body part hurts. How is this even possible? How can I miss someone who's caused me so much hurt and pain? I feel like a crazy person for even wanting her back. I can't help it. I just miss her. No rhyme or reason.

[Vanilla]

Cheesyt

This is part of the process, I am sad you have to walk to the pain.

Acknowledging ithe and the loss is important.

I felt like this, lost and in pain even during in house S when I was sleeping on a cot in my ironing room.

Lost sleep, tears, and emptiness.

I moved to a single bed in a different room, even after the Giggalo left. That helped, then I cleansed my space of him, new linen, pillows and covers. That also helped.

Plus new mattress, the old one whilst quite new smelled 'grubby' and I no longer wanted it.

Gradually it eased quite a bit, and finally waking up to a new day and going to bed alone are quite ok.

Not wonderful but ok.

So big hugs on this

V

[NYGal]

Cheesy, the pain is definitely part of the process and I don't know any way to shorten it except by moving on. But that's not easy as long as there is still hope for reconciliation. The ideal thing is to get to the point where you really can move on... then you feel better eventually, although the process still hurts. And I hear so often on here that when we truly do move on, that's when they sense it and come back. But there are no guarantees.

Just keep GALing.

And I'm really glad you didn't text her back. She wasn't really asking you to find a solution - I bet she was expressing anger, as though this is your fault. Which. It. Isn't!