Focus on Me and the Boys 10

[J5K]

Helo all!

I have been very busy with work, the boys, and the move and cleaning up the final remnants of the D.

Here is the short version.

Boys behavior has gone downhill! The 3 in school are not completing work, bothering others, and acting out.
Tried to discuss with XW and tentatively scheduled an appointment with a child psychologist. XW denied the appointment and argued I did not consult with her. She kept saying give them to me for 6 months and the boys will be fine.

So after multiple conversations with XW and L, our Ls had a conference call with friend of the court. FOC said boys absolutely need therapy and it was not the parent's decision if the boys need to be on medication. XW was stating she does not want the boys on meds, they need to be with her.
FOC asked why we are having a hard time working together, my L stated that XW said to me that she was waiting for the boys behavior and academics to degrade and that would be enough proof for her to obtain custody of the boys. FOC person was livid when she heard that. FOC stated that we as parents should put our needs last and the boys needs first. I fully support that but XW seems to have a different perspective.

XW will still not budge on how she feels. I offered 50/50 custody with the move, she kept spinning things and held firm on her keeping the boys 2/3rds of the time. So we are at a stand still on the move again. She thinks I am doing it to get her back. I am sparing everyone the drama and push pull that XW and I talk about. My L still thinks that there is risk in moving. I stated that my offer of 50/50 would only stand if we filed the custody agreement in Ontario also. Other than XW and my verbal conversation, we have not moved forward at all on this issue.

On a brighter note, I did find a live in nanny if I stay in Michigan. I am dual pathing, looked at rentals in TO and Michigan.

It has been a nice break this weekend, I drove the boys up to have their visit with XW. They are staying in a hotel again. She says FIL is not well. I think FIL does not want the boys in his house anymore.

Went out with friends last night. It was very refreshing. Forgot how it was to have some adult time in a vibrant setting.
I realized there are lots of fish in the sea and that I will be OK and can enjoy life without XW although my heart feels different. Still lots to do from a healing standpoint. I am GALing and I get these waves of feelings and emotions that come over me and wish things could be different. A few weeks ago I would tear up and cry when this would happen, now it is impacting me far less and I do realize that over time (a long time) I will be OK.

[Ginger1]

jIM,

Do you think your kids need to medicated? They are having some major events happen in their lives which I am sure is affecting their performance and behavior in school. I don't think medication will make that any better. Consistency and stability might do the trick.

Have you open-endly asked the boys what's going on? How they are feeling? If there is anything that upsets them or makes them happy? Maybe just talking to their dad would be helpful. Maybe you and the boys can come up together with an action plan for their school work?

Hopefully once there is a consistent homebase and a consisten schedule, things will start to fall backtogether for everyone.

[J5K]

Hello Ginger,

No I do not think the boys need to be medicated. As the FOC person said, it is not my or XW's decision. That is up to the psychologist that sees the boys.

We go through our routing daily and the boys seem to be fine. I do ask them if they want to talk every few days and they typically say nothing is bothering them. I ask them if they want to express their feelings and they say no. I do get lots of hugs from them, they tend to be longer as time goes by.

Today S8 said he cried at school because a boy was teasing him and for some reason he thought of mom and missed her and started crying. I told him that was normal since he just saw her this past weekend and that things will be ok.

We are all going a bit stir crazy is this little apartment but we are managing somehow.

I worked from home today because of S6's suspension from school and will have to tomorrow and Wednesday also. And of course wouldn't you know it, S7 threatened to hurt another classmate today and now he has detention this Friday!

It never ends.

I have a consultation with a Canadian attorney tomorrow to know my rights if I continue this move.

I just want to thank everyone for the continued support and will probably move from newcomers to surviving the D once I hit 100 posts on this thread.

[DonH]

"No I do not think the boys need to be medicated. As the FOC person said, it is not my or XW's decision. That is up to the psychologist that sees the boys"

I just cannot let this go without putting in another view. Coming from yet another government hack, I have no doubt this is what she believes. It's what all the blasted nanny state government types believe! They think that we are all too stupid to manage our own lives. And we somehow need government to make all of our decisions because we just could never run our own lives, make our own choices, etc, we need government to ban large quantity soft drinks, force us to recycle, keep us safe with helmets and a round about where intercections used to be.

The real truth is, the doctor should evaluate the boys and then make his or her recommendation. It is then the parents job to decide what they feel is best for THEIR KIDS. By all means the doctors suggestion should be highly considered but some docs think all kids need to be on meds. How did you and I ever grow up without bike helmets, safe playgrounds and medications?

Sorry, I just had to put this back into perspective. Don't let some doctor or government hack parent your kids. It's your desicion and not theirs!

[Painter]

I completely agree with Don. Regardless of the motivation for saying it, the FOC person is wrong. As long as you (the parents) have custody of the children, it's up to you to decide on any medication.

Medicating children is a HUGE decision. It impacts them tremendously and can have consequences for their growth and future. Medical care in the US is a for-profit venture that rewards health care providers for treating patients with medications or tests or procedures.

The children very likely needs some form of support - a group for children of divorce, individual counseling, and ExW needs a parenting class (which both of you should take).

[RAI]

Hi JK,

Just dropping in to say hi after a long while.

Looks like your W is very unreasonable and is not putting the children's needs first. Why on earth would she object to them seeing a psychologist? Hypothetically, what would have happened if you unilaterally took them to a psychologist without her input? Don't be tentative. You know what is right.

Are you still talking to your W directly? I think she is very manipulative and you should let the Ls do the negotiating.

Most importantly, decide - as best as you can - what is best for kids, and do it. They are the victims here. No one will persecute you for doing the right thing. " Do the right thing" should be your mantra.

RAI

[J5K]

Thank all for the input. I truly do not want my boys on any meds if XW and I can help it. I do not think that is the answer. A good balance, access to her and friendship with XW are the answer. I cannot change the past, but I can make things better for the boys, regardless of her actions.

I consulted with an L in Ontario and received some very good info. The laws in Michigan are reciprocal with the laws in Ontario. Canadian L could not believe XW left for the past year and has not found a job yet. Canadian L also said there is no such thing as SAHM any longer and that income would be imputed to XW in Ontario courts also. She also stated that if XW would try and gain more than 50% custody she is fairly confident that the courts would not allow that based on my actions of moving the boys closer to build a better relationship with their mom which gives XW access to every other weekend. She thought that my moving is in the best interest of the boys.

I may have to pay some child support to her, but I am willing to do that if it goes to that extreme. It will not be enough for her to maintain the lifestyle she wants and it gives me the flexibility to work some OT when I can so I can financially provide as good or better lifestyle than we had for the boys.

I spoke to my L in Michigan and asked her to move forward with the motion. Hope I can get it submitted in time prior to the courts closing for the holidays.

After speaking with the Canadian L, I am confident I can stand my ground as the 50% parent Toronto and have good representation if required.

[Ginger1]

Dear Jim,

Youa re so set on having a friendship with someone who doesn't want to have a friendship with you. Her definition of "friendship" is getting you to do what she wants. Otherwise she has no interest.

A friendship sure, would be ideal, if that was in the cards right now and she was in a healthy place to do that, but it is more detrimental to the situation. You trying to form this "friendship" is no different than trying to reconcile with her now.

Throw the friendship out for now. Keep contact to the minimum, do the right thing for your boys that is within you reach.

[PsySara]

Jim,
You preserver in the face a huge obstacles. Your ExW is definitely doing herself no favors by being obstinate and selfish. I simply can't get over her immaturity and extreme egotistic nature, the fact that she would let her sons health diminish so she could "prove" they would be better with her is like...whoa! Meanwhile she refuses them access to therapists and doctors so they can be evaluated. This woman is toxic and I am not sure if it's possible to be a friend with someone who would throw your sons under the bus for her own personal gain.

[J5K]

Ginger,

I agree with you. Friendship is out the window at this time. I meant that portion to come across as friendship down the road on my terms.

If that is ever possible, if she will ever truly respect me as the boys father and a 50% parent, if she can ever put her ego to the side, and if she can stop holding a grudge about me filing first and let go of the past.

I get she no longer sees me as an equal and a partner since she is not getting her way. I will not be in the type of R we had in the past with her or anyone else again. Lesson learned the hard way.

I did get rejuvenated this past weekend though and found a bit of myself again. I had energy and laughed and had fun. I am gaining that back and trying to balance that with the responsibility of 5 boys. One day at a time is all I can do.

Sara,

I whole-heartedly agree with your statements. She is toxic to me and potentially to the boys. I do not want to judge her R with the boys, no longer my place unless it is harmful to them. Whatever actions she chooses with the boys will affect her R with them.

It is probably good that the boys do not know the details of what XW and I have been going through to get them help. They will know that dad did take them to therapy and that dad is doing all he can to make them comfortable.

All I know is I gained some very valuable information that has breathed new life in me again. I can be fun dad and responsible dad at the same time. I just pray I can get things organized quickly to finally settle into a home somewhere and start my vibrant life with my boys!