1. Living in such close physical proximity means I see her, which means I desire her, which means I fantasize about things we don't do anymore. Hell, I'd kill for a hug at this point.
2. When she is in the state she gets into, where she is passively aggressively signalling her displeasure at the status quo (she has created), I let it impact how I feel and act.
3. I have largely stopped talking about our R at all with her, but I blueprint in my mind how we might reboot, what that would entail, how in my mind's eye it seems like we could both be happy, etc.
4. I spend a lot of time worried about the children and their lives post-divorce. A lot. This keeps me anchored in the I-Need-To-Save-Things mode for better or worse.
5. I think about when times were good and get fixated on those memories.
6. Just recently, I've started worrying about things like what will it be like when my kids start bonding with my replacement, and I have to share "dad" status. Torturous thoughts like that. Why?
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
6. Just recently, I've started worrying about things like what will it be like when my kids start bonding with my replacement, and I have to share "dad" status. Torturous thoughts like that. Why?
I've thought about this too, and it feels like a sledgehammer to my head.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
FG -- My wish for everyone on this site is fewer sledgehammers to the head!
I just got back from IC. I asked her about detachment and said I wanted to work through why I'm having so much trouble with it. Long story short, in terms of cause, the leader in the clubhouse is "fear".
Fear of being alone, fear of the future, fear on my kids' behalves, fear of being replaced, fear of never finding someone else, fear of never being happy (really happy) -- and lots more.
I guess I'm clinging to what I know -- even if it is totally $hitty -- because of this fear of the unknown future. I can GAL and 180 and all of the rest until the cows come home, but until I honestly have faith that things will be "ok", I'm likely going to stay (unhealthily) attached.
Lots to think about.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
bsb -- thanks for visiting my thread. If you come up with any concrete tips for tackling fear/worry, I'd love to hear them, and I'll share them when/if I figure out anything that's working.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Your counselor has never told you why you allow your W to control how you feel and act? Man your W owns you, body & soul.
I find it difficult to understand how a woman can treat a man the way she has acted with you........and he desire her so much. That doesn't make sense. It sounds as if you don't believe you deserve anything better.
Was this scenario what you watched with your parents?
Perhaps only a therapist can help you with why you struggle with these issues, and how to get control over your own thoughts.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I think you have nailed a problem that many men have (maybe women?). I'll chime in that I too have been treated very badly - like in ways I would NEVER treat anyone - but I definitely still love her and want to correct things.
Maybe there's some Still-Love-Her-Even-Though-She-Treats-Me-Like-Crap Syndrome; to go along with WAS!
I guess SLHETSTMLC syndrome doesn't have the same ring:) (sorry trying to find some humor)
JR, hey brother. I completely get what you are going through right now. You have the added difficulty of yours being a long battle and it has to be tiring and frustrating.
That said, take a look at yourself in the mirror. Do you see fear? I'd imagine if you really focused on what you've been through (your resilience, your focus on being steady for your kids, your willingness to fight an uphill battle when most others would have quit) you would see how proud you can be of yourself for persevering. It takes a strong man to go through what you've been through and still be fighting.
Recognizing that strength, I think, is key for you. With that recognition comes confidence. Not just confidence in yourself, but confidence that you are prepared for the future and what it may hold for you. It's been 6 months that I've slogged along beside you and we've both had our fair share of ups and downs, but not once have you quit. Take pride in that and know if you can survive this you are prepared to face and thrive in any less difficult situation the future tosses at you!
Easier said than done, but I know you are going to be ok brother. Do things for you and not bc of your W. Do them bc they are the right things to do for the right reasons. To steal from Mules, strength and honor. I'll also add integrity to that. Know that you have those qualities in spades and once you realize it detaching will come naturally I think. Here for you brother! Hang in there!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Do you believe that you will not be happy without her?
Do you actually feel fear?
For me -- it hurts to be heartbroken, it hurts to be left behind, and it feels like a big loss, but fear ... is not what I'm feeling. Maybe it's just semantics.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
1. Living in such close physical proximity means I see her, which means I desire her, which means I fantasize about things we don't do anymore. Hell, I'd kill for a hug at this point.
2. When she is in the state she gets into, where she is passively aggressively signalling her displeasure at the status quo (she has created), I let it impact how I feel and act.
3. I have largely stopped talking about our R at all with her, but I blueprint in my mind how we might reboot, what that would entail, how in my mind's eye it seems like we could both be happy, etc.
4. I spend a lot of time worried about the children and their lives post-divorce. A lot. This keeps me anchored in the I-Need-To-Save-Things mode for better or worse.
5. I think about when times were good and get fixated on those memories.
6. Just recently, I've started worrying about things like what will it be like when my kids start bonding with my replacement, and I have to share "dad" status. Torturous thoughts like that. Why?
These things are all in your control. These are YOUR thoughts and emotions. How can you learn to better manage these things?
For what it's worth, I agree with your counselor. You sound terrified to truly let go.
