Esame I'm so sorry to hear this. As everyone else is saying go and see a lawyer so you know perfectly what you are entitled to. You need to put yourself and your kids first.
Thank you all for the support. It really means the world to me.
I'm still ok, making plans for days out with friends and trying to not let his crazy affect me too much. I'm obviously hurt, but there is nothing I can do to stop him. I'm dreading receiving the papers, I still cannot believe he is doing this just before Christmas.
He told me he is going away after Boxing Day. A little holiday for himself. He didn't tell me what he plans to tell the kids or his parents (who are coming to stay with us for ten days from the 21st of December to New Year's Day) and I didn't get involved. I'm trying to not talk to MIL about the latest dose of insanity, it will be easier if we discuss things face to face when she is here. My poor parents in law think that they will be able to talk sense into him and that things will turn out ok, it will be a difficult holiday seasonI think.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Your H is going away during the time his parents are staying with you? Did I understand that right?
Again best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Yep, he was is going on a skiing trip for the last few days of his parents visit. I think he will not even be here on the day of their flight, so they will have to make their own way to the airport which is an hour away. It seems that he is so lost in the vast wilderness of MLCland that he doesn't even consider the implications of his actions at all.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I am so sorry about all of this. The MLCers seem to choose holidays or special events to drop the divorce stuff on us. Their empathy chips are broken and they don't even think about how this news will impact the family (and maybe they just don't care because they are so miserable). I hope and pray that he doesn't want to continue talking about a divorce until after the holidays.
I am also not surprised that he's leaving a few days after his parents visit. He feels a lot of guilt for what he's doing and he can't face them, you or your family when the holiday season is suppose to be a joyous time of the year. His parents are going to have a lot of info to digest if they attempt to talk to him about his decisions. I feel for them to have to see their son making the choices that he is.
I do hope that you are taking care of yourself. You've got a lot on your plate right now. Please take some time out for yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't know if I'm doing enough on the GAL front, but I'm somehow happy in myself. I guess I came to realise that he is done with our family, so my new goal is to make this divorce the best divorce there is. I'm not sure how to do that, and obviously I'm probably delusional, but the way I see it, we need to work out a decent arrangement for the kids. I feel sick when I that it's over, but I also feel relieved. I don't have to be nice to a person that is (at the moment) treating me like the source of all his unhappiness and problems. Being nice to him makes him think that I want him, while GAL makes him think that I'm dating. I don't see what else there is to do but to distance myself as much as possible from his negativity and his toxic comments.
Christmas preparations are bittersweet. Some moments are amazing, like seeing D2 laugh wearing a Christmas hat, but then there is the realisation that my family as I knew it is broken. And I'm trying so hard to not be angry with him, but it is exhausting.
I decided to wait until after the holidays before I tell my mum. I'm not sure if her knowing would help me or if it will be a burden to have to know how upset she is. MIL will be here in 9 days so I will be able to tell her in person.
I'm going out with work colleagues this Friday night, and I'm making plans with friends for the festive period. I also asked H to confirm in writing the timings of his visits so that we have as little interaction as possible, and so that I can plan things for me in advance. So far he has been appalling at this. For example on Saturday I was about to go for an early morning run when S8 asked me where his dad was. I freaked out because I thought he was in his room and I was not planning on waking him up. I could have left thinking he was home, and he was not there (I was awake since 6 and I didn't hear him leave, so he must have left the night before?). He didn't even bother to apologise or tell me where he was, but I missed on my run and coffee with my friend. Then I rescheduled my coffee only to be told that he was taking the boys swimming, and was D2 ok to stay with me. Of course I didn't want the boys to miss on their swimming so I took the little one with me, but he seems to think that because he is visiting the kids here I'm also part of the furniture or something and he can use my childcare services as and when he pleases. I'm happy to help with the baby, but I need to know in advance what the plans are. I asked for this in writing before the next visit and he said yes.
Another great thing that happened is a course that I'm doing through work. It is really exciting and I'm meeting loads of interesting people
Anyway, I feel ok, strangely optimistic, but it could be the calm before the storm.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
You may not be ready to enforce some boundaries at the moment, but once the divorce is filed, I urge you to set some important boundaries w/him.
1. If he's going to be staying at your home and being a "Disney Dad" during his stay, he will need to be responsible and accountable for the children and their whereabouts while there. There should not be any more of this taking the two oldest to classes, etc., and asking you to take care of the youngest one. They are his children and he will need to take care of all of them or he can arrange for a sitter.
2. It might be advisable for him to find a place to stay when he comes to visit and not be in your "safe" space. It's not your place to provide him w/a room and board during his visits after the divorce.
3. He will definitely need to advise you of when he's coming to visit the children and he will need to notify you 24-48 hours in advance if the plans change. After all, you have a life too and there are things that you need to do for yourself. Trust me, he's certainly taking care of himself. You have the children 24/7 when he's not around and you need some time to enjoy life and do things for yourself.
I'm truly sorry that you are having to think about the word "divorce" during the holiday season. I think it's wise to hold off telling your mother until after the holiday. Will your MIL be staying w/you the entire holiday? Do you plan to tell her before or after the big "Santa" day?
You will have plenty of time to think about boundaries and how you want to deal w/visitations schedules once the divorce paperwork begins. Life as he knew it will not be the same after the ink is dry on the divorce decree. You do have some say in what is put in that decree. Boundaries can be enforced and yet, you can still be civil for the good of the children. Nothing says you have to roll over and do whatever he wants...after all, he fired you a while ago. At some point, he'll begin to face the consequences of his actions, especially when the life he thought he had w/his visitations and relying on you to be the babysitter, housekeeper, etc. no longer jump to his tune of how high.
Esame, it's time to start thinking about what you want in the near future. Sure, you want to keep things civil for the children...but that doesn't mean you have to be at his beck and call when he comes to visit. Time for Disney Dad to grow up and be a father.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Happy new year my lovely DBers! I hope 2017 brings us health, happiness, patience and love.
I had a good holiday so far, difficult in many ways but I think I generally coped well. My parents in law visited for 9 days, and today the returned home. H only spent 2.5 of those 9 days with his parents and the kids, and the day after Boxing Day he went on his ski trip. He is away for almost two weeks. I guess his priorities are very clear.
We had some difficulties with his continued lies, which forced me to send him a pretty rude message. We had better communication since, so maybe we can start rebuilding some sort of a friendship.
The highlight of my holidays was my time with the kids and my MIL, and also the surprise graduation party my friends organised for me. Just coffee and cakes at a nice shop, but they spoiled me with gifts and cards and positivity. An a gorgeous "happiness planner" which I just started using today.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I am very glad to read that you had a good holiday. I'm sorry your h didn't spend more time w/the family...but we all know that the ski trip was all he cared about and certainly didn't want to have his parents questioning him about what he's doing.
I'm glad you called him out on some of his lies. Sometimes we have to do that and then things settle down again for a while.
Congratulations on the graduation party. I'm sure you were surprised and enjoyed the time w/your friends.
Here's to 2017! May the new year bring all of us peace and happiness.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hope the new year is going okay for you. I realise it is a tough time so maybe not a perfect start to the year.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
