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#2719135 12/05/16 03:00 AM
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Previous Thread:

WAS or what 8

Starting a new thread as previous one is full.

I read other peoples threads here and I know what I would do in their situation. Or at least I am fairly sure. No one has walked in another's shoes so maybe things are less straightforward than our snapshot sees.

For my own situation I have not got the same clarity. Sometimes I do. Other times I don't have a clue.

Maybe I am having my own mlc. Great that the two of us can get that over with simultaneously!! Maybe I am slipping back to depression. Idk. I don't feel depressed as I am focusing on a better future. When depressed I saw no future. At all!

I have a W who is willing maybe even wanting to spend time with me and at the moment I cannot stand passing time with her. I am getting angry sitting next to her on the couch. Really mad angry. I think this anger is more so at me than her.


Reflecting back I have noticed my W has recently ever so slightly changed her position on the couch and her elbow slightly blocks me being comfortable next to her. I think subconsciously I put up with couch time together because there wasa minimum level of closeness.I knew this "closeness" was fake but still felt like rejection to me, a feeling I had many times with my W. I will explore my relationship with rejection.

Rejection is not the full cause of my anger but surely contributes. Maybe it is also the downfall of one of the last few remaining threads keeping us together.
Again idk.

Maybe I am approaching LRT, though not as a technique.

At the end of my last thread FY asked some good questions. A short answer is no I am not happy or excited by the life I live, though motivated by it's potential. I am not interested in trying to be more interesting/exciting to W.


I am not done. I am not walking away. I am not happy living AS IF. It is time for change. I will get though this. I still love and want to be with my W but not like this. I will bounce back. I will be awesome. Life will be good. Regardless of the tone of everything else I wrote, this paragraph outlines what I am sure about. It will be my focus as I vamp up my actions going forward.

I am in need of guidance.

Can I ask a question of those who read my posts but don't post, why is that? I read many without posting so I am not critical, just curious.

Best wishes. I gotta go work.

Last edited by job; 12/05/16 05:46 AM. Reason: Added the link to the previous thread

R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2719138 12/05/16 03:46 AM
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Hi Roist, I read along but don't always post...I think maybe because you seem quite 'together' and reflective anyway in your postings - but I appreciate you'll also want a perspective from others.

You know, I think your kind of situation is maybe the hardest. Together, but not really together in the same home. So you are faced with the reality of the situation and need to rub along with your spouse, whilst dealing with your own feelings about them and their behaviour, and the rejection. That's not easy ((((((hugs))))))

On the flip side (unlike a sitch like mine) there are regular opportunities to interact and 'live' the changes you are making.

I think the postings from FY must be really useful as he has trodden/is treading a similar path - some differences too - but the same genre within the MLC sphere anyway.

From me, I think the main messages would be self care and independence. Try not to look closely at your W and link your moods to hers at all. I know that must be really hard, but try to release that completely, because she probably just doesn't have that to offer right now.

And finally, please don't feel trapped in a situation that you are unhappy with in the longer term. I'm never going to encourage someone to give up on their M and that's not what I'm saying. I'm only reminding you that there are two of you in this marriage and you each have an equal vote. Only you know whether and for how long you will choose to remain in the current situation and that is always up to you, and you have plenty of power to make personal choices within the constraints of the current circumstances.

I hope this helps a little Roist and take care xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2719247 12/05/16 01:20 PM
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Thank you Sotto. Yes it is good to have the views of others.Somettimes my issues seem petty compared to others so it was nice to read you acknowledging how hard it can be. Thanks. Plus I have always valued you as a poster, albeit mainly to others.

FY is awesome and I am glad to have his insights. His story scares me a little too. I have read all his threads and commend him immensely for his stamina. Our stories differ but his approach and attitude are worth emulating.

I would not have lasted as long only for I realised it is my choice to stay. I choose to stand and hence I am responsible for continuing to endure sub perfect conditions. Having to and choosing to are completely different.

Thanks job also for linking my threads.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2719252 12/05/16 01:44 PM
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Originally Posted By: roist
I have a W who is willing maybe even wanting to spend time with me and at the moment I cannot stand passing time with her. I am getting angry sitting next to her on the couch. Really mad angry. I think this anger is more so at me than her.


This sounds like resentment. Not a good thing. Probably be good for both of you if you spent less time on the couch.

Quote:
At the end of my last thread FY asked some good questions. A short answer is no I am not happy or excited by the life I live, though motivated by it's potential. I am not interested in trying to be more interesting/exciting to W.


What hobbies, sports, or projects do you enjoy? Reading? School? Work? Helping others? Hanging out at the strip club? (just kidding!) Nows the time to dive in. Keep trying different things until you find the right one. When you wake up in the morning with a passion to go, you found it. We can't wait for our spouse to make us complete, we have to do it ourselves. Remember the line in the MLC section of DR where Michele says we'll have to find our own goodies?

While we do this for ourselves, not our spouse, it does make us more attractive.

Quote:
Can I ask a question of those who read my posts but don't post, why is that? I read many without posting so I am not critical, just curious.


I know for me I find it easier to relate to situations similar to my own. When someone's situation is much different than mine, it's difficult for me to relate, (having not been there) and near impossible to offer meaningful advice. Maybe that's what you're seeing here. I do know that many wish their spouse was at home with them, with no OP in the picture. Painful as it is sometimes living with our spouse when they are not "in love" with us, we are both very fortunate.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Sotto #2719257 12/05/16 01:57 PM
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Originally Posted By: Sotto

From me, I think the main messages would be self care and independence. Try not to look closely at your W and link your moods to hers at all. I know that must be really hard, but try to release that completely, because she probably just doesn't have that to offer right now.


This advice from Sotto is golden, and I could not agree more. For every time I felt pain and/or despair, I've seen my wife going through much worse. It's true, they just don't have it in them to offer right now.

Quote:
And finally, please don't feel trapped in a situation that you are unhappy with in the longer term. I'm never going to encourage someone to give up on their M and that's not what I'm saying. I'm only reminding you that there are two of you in this marriage and you each have an equal vote. Only you know whether and for how long you will choose to remain in the current situation and that is always up to you, and you have plenty of power to make personal choices within the constraints of the current circumstances.


Yep. Knowing that I always had that "get out of M" card laugh in my back pocket to play at any time has actually given me hope and helped me to carry on.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Roist - I read along but don't post mostly because yours seems like a slow grind situation.

However, after reading one of your more recent posts where you mentioned knowing things you would try in other sitches, I decided to make a suggestion.

Perhaps it's time to try some different things. Couch time seems stale. In fact, from what you write "home time" is stagnant altogether. Why not come up with something you want to do (a movie, a hike, a museum exhibit, take a day road trip, etc.) and casually invite your w along. If she says no, go and enjoy! If she says yes, bonus. (Nothing romantic; just something that interests you).

Even as crazy as my h is, we always interact better out of the home.

Just an idea . . .


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2719271 12/05/16 03:47 PM
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Actually, something that might interest both of you is your local Christmas festivities. Why don't you check out the schedules for Christmas tree lightings, plays, caroling or just driving around to see how people have decorated their homes for the holidays and then stop for a cup of hot cider or cocoa. It's something different and it just might be fun for the both of you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2719326 12/06/16 03:11 AM
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Yesterday I hesitated between using the 100th post of my last thread to journal and then go away to think/reflect. frown I am glad I choose to start a new thread. The feedback from those who have already walked the mile is invaluable. Thank you all. smile

FY, my passion used to be sport, triathlon in particular. My energy levels seem low now so that is less passionate though I am ticking away at exercising and running, with a little mountain biking. Where possible I do so with friends.
I have checked out my low energy levels but according to the doctor I am fine, so I assume it is psychological. I am taking care of my mental health as best I can, and imagine this will improve.
I have ticked away at DIY jobs around the house. I like that and love ticking stuff off my to-do list. I would not call it a passion but is a good activity.
GOAL : I will search and find a passion.

Hawho, I appreciate you dropping by. Home time does sukc,tbh. Your post reminded me of something I read on a cbt site: if you are unhappy about something DO something about it. Maybe over time I have allowed my thinking to become stagnant too. Time to relook at my situation with fresh eyes unclouded by preconceptions.
I am lucky in that I can invite my W do stuff and often she will. Our interactions are not necessarily better out of the house, but a change of scenery is always good. Our interactions do improve in group situations (though not always). Maybe it is keeping up appearances or maybe she just relaxes. Without over doing it I create these situations.
GOAL: actively seek out and plan activities I want to do alone and with W/family

Job. Good suggestion. We do go to town each year to see the lights. I will look into what other christmasy stuff we can do.

roist #2719588 12/07/16 02:11 AM
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Journal ling:

The last week or so interactions have been poorer or rather less than usual.I let this be and instead of trying to fix it I let it slide. The poorer they got the less I wanted to break the ice. So partly not knowing how to and mostly due to being curious as to what would happen if I did nothing to change current silence. Mini experiment.

Monday W started a text conversation,which is rarenowadays. Nothing big and definitely nothing that could not have waited until evening. I was busy so after a short exchange I ended it. That evening, we both got busy.

Yesterday at lunch she phoned me, again for something that could have waited. Again rare enough these days. When I got home she accepted my offer to help prepare the dinner (usually doesn't)and chatted a lot about her day.

The ice is broken and more significantly by W. Experiment over. Results noted. Back to the grind. Also back to preparing my plans and goals for the new year. I will make it GREAT.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2719739 12/07/16 02:27 PM
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Roist thanks for hitting me up on my thread...I'm glad things seem like they are looking up for you. It seems like you are doing great.

I hope and pray things go smoothly for you!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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