Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
C
Chris73 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
Frankly, the plan if we divorce is to sell the house and find separate accommodations that are less expensive for both of us.

Wouldn't really be "living" with my mother. More like just sleeping there. I'd be out of her house by 5am every day. Stopping home after work 3-4 times/week to see the kids for dinner and bedtime and then eventually heading back just to sleep.

My mother is 75 and lives alone in a big house. I think that being there a little bit more to help her with things might help my GAL efforts. Plus most of my friends live in her town.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
Originally Posted By: Chris73
I know this is mostly a selfish point of view but I've been thinking more and more about moving out. My W has told me emphatically several times that she will NEVER leave her kids. I certainly don't want to leave either, but I think continuing to live in the same house will only keep me from making progress with detaching. I wish there was some sort of middle ground. We really don't have the $ to rent a place so the other option is for me to move back in with my mother or maybe even just staying there a couple nights a week (which of course means telling her about our sitch). I could easily tell the kids that my mom needs more help and that's why I'm staying there. I feel like this decision is might be helpful but goes against some of the advice on this board. It's just that until W agrees to start repairing, being here just makes me resentful.


Have you discussed this with a lawyer?
Be VERY careful with moving out as theres some chance you could get a significantly reduced custody arrangement.

Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
C
Chris73 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
Right, I've thought of that. Which is maybe why the temporary living arrangement at my mom's might help our sitch without having to be so drastic. Legally, I still own and live in my home, but I will be staying with my elderly mother a few nights a week because she needs assistance.

idk, I'm just throwing ideas out there. The idea of forcing my wife out of the house without a fight is pretty much impossible. I'm not looking to create drama in my family. But again, living here and having to hold my tongue and force a smile on my face every time I see her is wearing me down. And my behavior last night is proof of that...


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
Originally Posted By: Chris73
Which is maybe why the temporary living arrangement at my mom's might help our sitch without having to be so drastic. Legally, I still own and live in my home, but I will be staying with my elderly mother a few nights a week because she needs assistance.


Im suggesting that even the temporary living arrangement could be used as leverage against you to lose some of your custody rights. Have you spoken with a lawyer? If not, I think you should. Just because is what you and W agree on now, when shes faced with divorce prospects she doesnt like, her story of the events can change....and then it becomes a 'he said, she said' thing you dont want to be involved in.

As for the bolded stuff, you dont need to give the story to us. She might, and she might appreciate it. But if you were in a normal marriage relationship, would you be moving there several nights a week for assistance...? I dont think so.

Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 250
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 250
Originally Posted By: Chris73
Ugh! I'm so stupid. Picked a fight with the W tonight. Totally unnecessary. I was acting like a child. Likely undid any progress I might have made in the past couple of weeks. I feel like sh*t frown


Hey Chris, one thing my IC has me do is take a situation that I wish I would have handled differently and play it back in my mind (or even out loud if needed) in the way I wish I would have handled it and do it over and over to practice for next time. I haven't had many opportunities to try this out since I'm physically separated from my W, but I think the ideology behind it is right on. You might give it a try.


Me: 35 W: 32
MR: 2y T: 3.5y
SS11
BD: 11/3/16
EA: 10/26/16
PA: 11/11/16
W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16
Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL
I filed for D: 12/14/16
D-day: 3/10/17
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 40
N
ngs Offline
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 40
Originally Posted By: darknes
Originally Posted By: Chris73
I know this is mostly a selfish point of view but I've been thinking more and more about moving out. My W has told me emphatically several times that she will NEVER leave her kids. I certainly don't want to leave either, but I think continuing to live in the same house will only keep me from making progress with detaching. I wish there was some sort of middle ground. We really don't have the $ to rent a place so the other option is for me to move back in with my mother or maybe even just staying there a couple nights a week (which of course means telling her about our sitch). I could easily tell the kids that my mom needs more help and that's why I'm staying there. I feel like this decision is might be helpful but goes against some of the advice on this board. It's just that until W agrees to start repairing, being here just makes me resentful.


Have you discussed this with a lawyer?
Be VERY careful with moving out as theres some chance you could get a significantly reduced custody arrangement.


Definitely agree with darknes...I would not advise moving out(or staying with your mother a few nights a week) but if you decide to talk to a lawyer first. Those kind of things can be held against you when it comes to custody. You need to find out the risk you might be taking if you do that. I know how bad it is, I'm in the situation where she is angry, bad attitude most of the time and I'm constantly reminded that she is going through with the divorce she filed for 2 months ago.


H:44 W:43
M:17
S:15 S:14 S:12
W mentions divorce 8/2015
W files divorce 10/2016
D will be final 4/2017
Living together & will for a while
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
C
Chris73 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
Yeah, I'm going to mull over the idea of moving out a little longer for sure. And thanks for the advice of talking to a lawyer. I would definitely do that in preparation for any move out of the family home.

Fightin, I really did try to take control of my emotions last night. I was repeating my mantra about the lighthouse and how my ego should play no part in my behavior toward my wife, but eventually my emotions took over and I lost control. I have to work on that more.

Today we celebrated my daughter's 5th birthday. Obviously it was bittersweet. Instead of thinking about how proud and lucky we are to have brought this wonderful kid into the world 5 years ago, my thoughts were dominated by last night's argument and the threat of divorce that moves closer with each passing day. But I kept my head up and kept smiling for my daughter's sake and she had a nice birthday.

My W said some things to me during our argument last night that I really took to heart. And it reinforced the fact that we're both responsible for getting our M to this point. For the past few weeks I've been bitter and headstrong, blaming her for everything. I don't think I've made much progress detaching.

I think we've come up with a good schedule for remaining in the house while separated.

Mondays and Fridays are my GAL days during the week. I will not come home for dinner. I do plan to come home in time to put our kids to bed, but there might be some nights when I have plans and I stay out late.

Tuesdays and Thursdays are the exact opposite. I will get home early, make dinner for the kids and put them to bed. Once they're asleep I will retire to my lair in the basement (I have all the cool stuff down here!). My W may come home immediately after work, or choose to stay out later. Still plenty of GAL opportunities even though I can't leave the house.

Wednesday is mid-week family dinner night.

Saturday is an every-other week schedule. On the weeks when my W works late, I'll spend the evening with the kids. On the weeks when she gets done early, I'll make plans to go out.

Sunday is Church (I've taken the kids 4 weeks in a row now, W has still not come with us) and eventually family dinner. What we do in the middle of the day will likely be spontaneous.

Exceptions to this schedule will no doubt crop up, especially at this time of the year. And we are still moving ahead with the trip to Disney in January. We're going with another family so the pressure will be off and I'll be damned if I'm going to give up being with my kids on their first ever trip to disney!

All of this S U C K S!!!!

...but it's workable. At least for now. We agreed to check in with each other after 2 or 3 weeks to fine tune if necessary.

Until then I need to keep practicing detachment and try to be the lighthouse.

Goodnight all. Thanks for all the advice and kind words.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
C
Chris73 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
Just wondering...

Does anyone familiar with my sitch think that there may be some elements of a MLC in my W's behavior?

Here are the main points for those who don't want to read through all the threads.

W loses her mom to cancer 3 years ago. Their relationship was dysfunctional (alcoholism, abandonment)

Once the greaving process ended my W started to question her place in life, her unrealized goals, and whether or not she's really been true to herself all these years.

This led to the start of her EA (primarily as an escape from facing these issues).

The EA evolved into a PA after a couple months.

By the end of the 6th month she decided to end the A, seek IC and try to decide how much (if any) of the A to tell me about. Meanwhile I found out about the A on my own, so she had to come clean.

For the next 3 months we seemed to be reconnecting, but then she pulled back again, claiming that the reconnecting was not genuine for her. That she felt herself going back to her "old ways" of always putting herself 2nd and never being true to herself.

Things got worse from there. Sex stopped abruptly. She started going out with girlfriends friends a lot more (most of them single/separated/divorced). Usually to bars or parties. At home she's always on her phone and keeps it hidden from me. Swears she ended the original A and also swears that there's not a new A happening. I don't fully trust her on this and also suspect that if she decided to have meaningless one-night-stand sex that she would keep that to herself as well.

We started MC in November. She admitted that more often than not she feels numb going through the day-to-day. She's a good mom and loves our children, but secretly resents them for keeping her from pursuing some of her dreams. This causes a lot of guilt for her.

She started letting some things go. Not caring as much about the upkeep of the house. Hasn't exercised in months, but buying new clothes and shoes in an attempt to feel good about herself. Drinks alcohol regularly (though not every day), and to excess when she goes out with friends.

As for me, she "just doesn't think we're good together". Says nothing has changed in the 9 years that we've been married. I still have the same negative traits she overlooked when we first got together and now she can't live with them anymore. Never really felt attraction for me. Not in love with me and never was. Needs space. Doesn't want to be married anymore but doesn't want a divorce. Asked for a trial separation. Swears she will never leave the house without her kids. Believes that we can live separated in the same house indefinitely until the kids are self-sufficient.

Whew!

Frankly, I think I wrote all this down just to get it out of my head and look at it as a whole. It doesn't seem to me that the DB tactics for an MLC W are any different than for a WW: Detach, GAL, LRT and eventually Go Dark if necessary. But I'm very appreciative of anyone who could comment further on this.

Thanks!


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 149
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 149
Hey Chris,

I'm glad you are still posting. I have been following you sitch since the beginning. I feel like our Ws are very much alike in this. I don't know if it's MLC WW or WAW, but I do know it [censored]. I'm not really sure it's really necessary to put a label on it. Sure it may seem comforting to say, it's a MLC she is going through, because it sounds like there is some explanation for their wayward behavior. The truth is the label doesn't change a thing. What you are right about is that we have to GAL, act "as if" and let them go. Let them go and concentrate on making ourselves happy. If they come back great. If they don't we have bettered ourselves and figured out what makes us happy outside of our MR.


Me:42 W:37
M:18 T:23
3S: 4,7,10
EA 6/16
ILYBNILWY 7/16
9/16 separate BR
10/16 Discernment Counseling
She's moving out 1/17
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
C
Chris73 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
Thanks BillyHo. Can you give me some insight on the Discernment Counseling? I've read about it as a good alternative to MC to determine if the marriage is worth saving. Also, with your wife moving out next month how does that change your family dynamic? Are you two moving purposefully towards divorce or just creating more space between you?


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Page 5 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard