I’ve been reviewing this board for a few months and I think it’s time to post for feedback. I’ve been M for almost 10 years, together for 15. We have 2 kids (4 and 6). I feel our MR has been good, but she indicates she has been unhappy for years (after BD in August) because I am controlling with how the kids are raised and finances, which looking back I can see that. I also have not made a huge effort in my appearance, friends, GAL, etc.
I felt we were getting along good, until this last summer. The summer was extremely stressful for us both. We started getting into arguments which was not really part of our MR before. Some things I heard during this time, but not all in the same day (this is August 2016)
1. ILYBNILWY (not the exact words) 2. We should co-habitat then get D when kids are 18 3. I have not been happy in years (started off months, then turned to years) 4. You made me feel like a bad mom 5. If we did not have kids I would D you 6. I have gone through emotional divorce 7. My feeling are numb
So, of course I do all the things I’m learning I should not have done in Aug/Sept. Suggesting MC, doing things around the house, taking care of kids more, asking for reconciliation. She went to MC with me for about 4 sessions to work on ‘communication’ then she stopped because she indicates we communicate just fine (then why are we in this position?) We did agree to a trial separation to determine if there was anything left. We agreed that she needed to get an apartment. We agreed (with the counselor) to ‘ground rules’ such as no dating, not telling others our business, etc. The goal was to make a decision on if we could make the MR work.
It took her until Nov. to find an apartment, which I thought that might be a good think (more time). Things were actually going well (on a general relationship level) during September and October, but again, I was going overboard trying to show her I can change (being nice guy). I felt we were getting along better than we have in a long time. We laughed a lot, talked about her work, etc.
In Nov. she signed a lease, but did not move in until December. We were sleeping in the same bed during this time, but that was about as close as we got. In late November, I looked @ phone bill (for another reason) and saw text messages (many) and phone calls from a certain number. I looked up the number and it was a male co-worker. These calls/TM’s went back to August (interesting b/c of BD timing!). I confronted and she admits she told him things she should not have, including she was not happy in her marriage (which to a guy, this is basically saying “I’m available”). I really tried to be calm about it, but I was obviously angry and told her so. She said it was never a PA, but even if not….my bet is that it was heading that way. I refuse to sit on this board and say it was not EA and/or PA, but I have no other evidence. I'll assume PA, until I find out otherwise. She indicated she told him they can’t have that kind of relationship with him any longer, but I doubt that exact statement.
After thinking for some days, I was trying to determine if I could trust her even in the small case we made the MR work. Based on emotion, I told her I was going to consult a L. I started filling out the D paperwork and determine I was doing it based on emotion, which is never good. After discussing this with W last week, we decided to do a 1 year separation and co-parent and keep the house we just bought (keep our finances together). Her check is usually more than mine, so I did not feel this was some cake eating opportunity for her. I guess I felt this option was better than D, at least for the kids. There is still a piece of me that thinks or MR can work out and filing for D reduces that chance.
I do need advice. When talking about our 1 year agreement, I indicated that we should both be allowed to date. I guess my theory is……if she is having an EA/PA then there is nothing that I can say/do to stop it. I refuse to be a safety net/Plan B. The other part of me thinks I should not have allowed that because she will have no guilt having an EA/PA or even dating in general. This is part of my 180 I suppose. Letting go of ‘the rope’, acting “as If”, letting go of controlling behavior and detachment. Her response was that she was not going to date right now, but I don’t put much stock in that statement. She also said she finally feels she can get on with her life. Maybe this is because she feels I’m giving up? I’m not really sure……
So, she finally moved all her stuff out in Dec. to her apt and I have kids. She comes by every morning and evening to help get kids ready and have dinner and put them to bed. I think my situation follows the WAW script (maybe WW). I do have the DR book and got a DB coach. Coach indicates I’m in LRT mode, which I have really been doing for me (GAL, 180). I don’t talk about myself, but will talk kindly if she engages. I’m hoping I can get further advice here……….thank you!
H (41) W (40) D(4) D(6) BD - Aug 2016 MC - Aug 2016 Separated (in house) Sept 2016 Potential EA discovered Nov 2016 Separated (W apartment) December 2016
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you. I've been studying these the last few weeks. Since August I am in the best shape of my life and I've really worked out most of my life (except this last summer). I am going out and doing things (GAL). My W will stay at 'my' house while I go out and do things at night.
Obviously I'm so confused at how I missed any signs/nagging that things were this bad. Heck, we bought a large house in June! It's baffling to me, but seems so common. My W is always telling me to "be real" and "say what you mean" when she has been acting for years. Anyway....it's in the past and I need to deal with the current situation.
As part of the separation I did tell her that she needs to step it up with the kids. I love them, but she is going to have to spend more time with them. They need us both right now.
H (41) W (40) D(4) D(6) BD - Aug 2016 MC - Aug 2016 Separated (in house) Sept 2016 Potential EA discovered Nov 2016 Separated (W apartment) December 2016
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Hi Covert, welcome to the community. Why did your W leave the kids with you? Is she going to have them 50% of the time?
I can understand her going by to help the kids in the mornings, eating dinner, and tucking them into bed at night........as a way of helping them adjust.........maybe. Will this be the routine during the year of separation?
Have the two of you discussed the holidays? Unfortunately, a lot of couples do S either right before or right after Christmas. It's tough!
Did your DB coach give you any particular advice, apart from the LRT?
I'm glad you are coming forward and joining. There are a lot of men here who are in very similar situations as you, and I think they can share what has worked and hasn't worked for them.
Can you tell us more about the history of your relationship?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, I advised my wife that she must do more of a joint custody type agreement because I am not going to be Mr. Mom. I have been watching kids 90% of time and every weekend for 2 years. She is working on her schedule to get every other wknd off and she will have kids.
The holidays are tough for sure. We went to her family's for thanksgiving and had a good time. For Christmas, she works so i will take them to her families party. I get along with her family very well. We talked about visiting her dad's during Xmas break also, but that was awhile ago.
I have only had 1 session with my coach so much of it was going over the situation. She suggested LRT, but being cordial with W. I have another one this week.
Our history.....we met about 15 years ago. I was very independent and went out with friends all the time. I was sooo laid back. i met her at work and we started dating. We moved in together shortly after. During that time she was really working PT and going to school. She finally graduated. Thereafter she asked me to M her. Her mom passed right b/f we got M.
We had our first D and she stayed at home with D all the time. I was doing non-stop traveling during this time for work, which was tough. I was diagnosed with cancer b/f our second daughter was born, which was tough for us to go through. After i recovered i switched jobs to something with less travel. She continued to be a stay @ home mom. We finally decided to put kids in day care. W decided to go back to school again for a new career (FT). She graduated 2.5 years later and got a night shift position 2 years ago (really her 1st career job). Night shift....I agreed to it, but wow...i did not realize how difficult it was. We were like ships passing in the night. It really started to affect me. Honestly, i think i was dependent on having her around all the time to talk and did not go out or really do much.
I do want to mention she did say she said my behavior (control) changed after the 2nd child was born. Thinking back I think the combination of my childhood and going through cancer made me realize that life is short. My mom is severe alcoholic and dad workaholic, which made me feel I did not get attention. I felt like I or W had to be doing something with kids 100% of the time, which i'm learning is not necessary. I can't change someone into how I want to parent. I try not to search too much for reasons in the past, but be solution oriented.
H (41) W (40) D(4) D(6) BD - Aug 2016 MC - Aug 2016 Separated (in house) Sept 2016 Potential EA discovered Nov 2016 Separated (W apartment) December 2016
I sound like a broken record when I say....your situation sounds so familiar. Although the little details may differ its eerie to read, again and again. Sounds like you are following the script to a tee, just as I did. I vacillated between dropping the rope completely and just separating to see what might happen. I took the first route and obtained a L and filed for D, after a 3 month in house separation. I too questioned whether I could trust her again. During our in house separation I saw no clue that she would give me a reason to trust, my sitch was a bit different because she has had multiple affairs over about 10 years. I will never get the full story from her. You said something that struck me: "I refuse to sit on this board and say it was not EA and/or PA, but I have no other evidence. I'll assume PA, until I find out otherwise." You have to accept that you may never find out. You have to realize that that woman is not who you thought she was. You have to know that cheaters are very good at one thing...and that is deceit. You have to heal on your own. I have to live with my decision to file for D now. Are there days that I feel like I should have waited to file? Yes there are. My advice to you regarding your question is to move forward "as-if". Act as if you don't care what she is doing as far as her EA/PA. It is hard I know, but once you fully detach then her actions, whatever they are, will not affect your day. She had to realize a loss due to her actions. She has to see that guy that she lost is actually a pretty darn good one. This doesn't mean that you make changes to you, looking over your shoulder to see if she notices. This means get a life, work out, volunteer, read, write, draw, play music, sing, laugh...whatever it takes to remember who you really are. At this point it is easy to focus on the sitch too much. Welcome to the roller coaster from He!!. I am sorry your here, I really am, its a total bummer.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
You have to accept that you may never find out. You have to realize that that woman is not who you thought she was. You have to know that cheaters are very good at one thing...and that is deceit
Truer words have never been spoken. Cheaters plan out everything. Everything. There was one woman that I know that has had multiple affairs and her husband never found out. And they are still married to this day. I wouldn't have known of mine if my child wouldn't have broken it open.
The sad thing is, if you have that gut feeling, then there is a lot of trouble on the way. You just can't unthink those things. No way on earth.
Quote:
My advice to you regarding your question is to move forward "as-if". Act as if you don't care what she is doing as far as her EA/PA.
Confront on EA/PA ONLY after you have evidence...doing it on suspicion will drive them even deeper down the rabbit hole. But just be ready for what you may find out if you go digging. It won't be pretty.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thanks for the advice. It does help. I'm really done digging into the EA. Like you said, it will go down a rabbit hole. I'll I have is a bunch of #'s on a phone bill and I know it's someone she works with.
I told W we should both start dating during the separation (mistake maybe?), which may allow W to feel better about it. IMHO, if it's going to happen then it won't matter what 'rules' are set up during separation. This action feels freeing in a way because I feel I am letting go of how her actions affect me, plus I have the opportunity to date (acting 'as if'). I'm am no where near ready to date anyone except myself and kids at this point. 180, detach, GAL....
I did meet with DB coach today. She indicates I have been doing good with my actions the last week and says I should continue LRT, but be friendly/respectful while she is here. I guess I'll continue to journal here. I feel a lot better just posting here. There is only 2 people that know about my total situation, so it is good to post.
H (41) W (40) D(4) D(6) BD - Aug 2016 MC - Aug 2016 Separated (in house) Sept 2016 Potential EA discovered Nov 2016 Separated (W apartment) December 2016
Confront on EA/PA ONLY after you have evidence...doing it on suspicion will drive them even deeper down the rabbit hole. But just be ready for what you may find out if you go digging. It won't be pretty. [/quote]
Also extremely important to understand, great input.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
